Biden proposes free eye care bill

Following the attempted assassination on Donald Trump, Joe Biden is proposing a bill that would give all citizens free eye tests & glasses for those who own firearms.

He stated “Until fire arms are banned, I want to ensure no innocent people are shot through poor eyesight. The attempted assassination of Donald Trump is a prime example. Had this bill been in place, the intended target would have been hit & no innocent lives would have been lost. It’s easy to be wise after the event but the shooter should have gone to Quick Fit… I’m sorry, I mean SpecSavers”.

Image: Pixabay/Studio_Iris

Office workers angry as worldwide IT outage fails to affect them

Amy Armstrong works for a company that probably sells widgets or something, she isn’t sure and doesn’t care as long as she gets paid. Armstrong was delighted to see news that a worldwide IT outage had hit airlines, media outlets and banks, presuming that she would be unable to do any work.

Armstrong said 'At first I thought, woo hoo, 3 day weekend! Our IT systems fall over if you even look at them funny.'

However, she became concerned as time passed and no colleagues had got in touch to say that nothing was working. Armstrong then texted her friend Shelley Stevenson who works in IT: 'Are our IT systems actually working? Surely, you can’t be serious!’

Stevenson replied: ‘I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.'

Image: Pixabay/PIX1861

'I'm really competitive' says friend urinating through your letterbox

A friend who says 'I'm really competitive' as an excuse to for being a complete d!ck to everyone you know, isn't competitive enough to seek help.

Although she was on the British Olympic team when she was 14, has a high paying job, and uses the Oxford comma, she still has a compulsion to belittle everyone she meets, and tells other people's children her children are better than them.

But it's OK because she is a valued member of society who drives the biggest SUV on the estate. Being an utter rsehole has become normalised because every oil company in the world pays seven figures for 'highly competitive people' to greenwash the fck out of their scorched Earth policies, and still be allowed out in public.

Now you come to think of it, she has never bought a round at the overpriced wine bar she drags everyone to.

'How far did my wee go?'

Image:Pixabay/calvinhanson