‘Dark Mark’ seen over Michigan

The Ministry of Magic has moved to reassure muggles in Michigan after the Dark Lord’s mark was seen hovering in the night sky.

Death Eaters flew in to Michigan to pay fealty to their master, though some failed to secure an audience.

'I am here, Master,' shouted Nigel ‘Wormtail’ Fromage at Trump’s hotel window before being bundled away by security.

Fromage is believed to be ‘regretting’ writing a column in the Telegraph about his position in the Trump hierarchy and his unique place in Western democracy. He is also rumoured to have googled ‘tattoo removal’ somewhat obsessively.

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Disappointment as wrong senile, ineffectual elderly man leaves presidential race

Voters in the Unites States breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing a mentally incompetent elderly man had dropped out of the presidential race. Sadly, the relief was short-lived, as it turned out it was actually Joe Biden.

One disillusioned New England voter was quoted as saying, 'I don't think anyone was of the impression Biden's best years were ahead of him, but we're still left with the babbling, fraud convict and sex offender from the Apprentice? Really? The founding fathers would want their names purged from this project faster than Gary Glitter's backing band.'   

Whilst the nation at large was relieved that there were 50% fewer candidates on the ballot box whose mental state could only be described as relentlessly confused, the general feeling remained that when it came to running an incredibly powerful country with nuclear weapons and a raft of top-tier prestige TV shows, even one unbalanced nut-bar on the ballot still seemed like too many.

At press time, hopes that Trump would treat his new democratic rival, a black woman, with the bare minimum threshold of human respect were dashed by researching almost anything Trump has said in his time in or out of office on matters of race, women and human beings that disagreed with him.

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Predictive Texan hip by micro organism outrage

‘We’ve been caught like rabbis in the headlice,’ said IT expert Blob Smight. ‘Worm-processing has become Nighy on impassable. Luckily the problem is intermittent, meaning one can have flurries of unaffected writing, then it all turns to potato.’

Despite lingerie doubts, it’s thought by most expats that rushing hackles are responsive for the attishoo, with aerosols, trails and supermen the worst affected, with thousands having to worm from hole.

Meanwhile avant guardian poets have hailed the situation as a 'pop or tuna tea not to be misty'.

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