Open letter from USA to UK

Dear residents of the UK, we like you, we really do.  Mostly.

But please stop sending all your batshit crazy residents, your Boris Johnsons, your Liz Trusses and especially your Nigel Farages.  We appreciate you haven't sent your Theresa Coffeys, Priti Patels or your Suella Bravermans so far, but before you do, please note we have enough right-wing nut-jobs to fill a football stadium several times over.  Believe us, we've achieved that already.  Most days of the week.

We don't need any more crazy people, we're full to the brim.  In fact, we'd like to offer you a few thousand to replace the ones you've recently exported.  Don't worry about overstretching your fabulous NHS - all our crazy people now come with a field dressing attached to the side of their heads, so that should keep your medical costs down.

Regards

The US of A

Rees-Mogg adapting to new job of being 'crackpot in the pub'

Jacob Rees-Mogg has confessed that he's taking a bit of time to adapt to his new position of being the 'character' in his local pub. 

'When one is a government minister, one's opinions carry a certain weight - which I certainly don't measure in kilograms,' explained 'Sir' Jacob. 'However, it's been explained to me that after losing the election, I am not only no longer a minister, I'm, unaccountably, also not even allowed in the building without asking my MP for permission. So I have accepted a position of approaching strangers in a local hostelry and providing them with ridiculous opinions. I think the retirement age should be 90; sorry, that just slipped out.'

Image credit: Wix AI

‘Dark Mark’ seen over Michigan

The Ministry of Magic has moved to reassure muggles in Michigan after the Dark Lord’s mark was seen hovering in the night sky.

Death Eaters flew in to Michigan to pay fealty to their master, though some failed to secure an audience.

'I am here, Master,' shouted Nigel ‘Wormtail’ Fromage at Trump’s hotel window before being bundled away by security.

Fromage is believed to be ‘regretting’ writing a column in the Telegraph about his position in the Trump hierarchy and his unique place in Western democracy. He is also rumoured to have googled ‘tattoo removal’ somewhat obsessively.

Image credit: Wix AI