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Burnum denies any leadership ambitions

Mancunius Burnum, one of the most popular members of the Roman senate, has denied that he is anything but 100% supportive of “that useless twat” Julius Starmer.


“Believe me, I have no ambitions to be leader myself,” he told reporters from the Daily Praetorian, while sharpening his knife. “And everyone on my leadership campaign team will tell you the same.”


He then proceeded up the Palatine Hill to the Forum, where he stabbed Starmer in the back, though he insisted he was merely trying to be supportive.


“I thought he was about to fall - he’s been declining for some time - so I put my hand out to help. Totally forgot I was holding the knife! How stupid do I feel?”


However, some commentators worry Starmer’s death may benefit the populist Faragus Octavian more than Burnum, as his anti-immigrant message resonates with many among the plebeian classes.


“They try to paint me as a racist just because I have reasonable concerns about the number of Vandals, Huns and Visigoths you see in Rome these days,” Faragus told his supporters at a tavern near the Circus Maximus. “But we all know who’s doing the sacking and pillaging, don’t we? I remember when you could leave your villa without locking your front door… bring back the Roman Empire, that’s what I say.”



Shock and outrage as Farage reveals secret swan meat addiction shame

Reform UK leader, Nigel Farage, today revealed that his latest tirade about migrants eating swans in Royal Parks were in fact a smokescreen for his own swan meat addiction.


"I can no longer keep it a secret", he told a hushed and visibly shocked group of reporters, "my vilification of immigrants, whilst correct in many ways, should not hide the fact that I have had a swan meat addiction for many years."


Mr Farage went on to to detail that he had started eating swan when offered it at a party by a minor Royal that he would not name. The Royal had told Farage that ingesting the swan would make him feel "more Royal and more British" and that the Queen and Prince Phillip regularly held swan meat parties that the Royal could introduce Farage to.


"I quickly found out that this was merely a ruse to get me addicted to eating swan, or 'chasing the queen's flock' as it's known amongst other addicts", said Mr Farage, "As my appetite grew, so did the demands for more and more money and favours. I wish I never met him at that Pizza Express"



Americans pray for Hurricane Imelda to hit Southern States

In a surprise move, Churches across the United States have been praying for Hurricane Imelda to make landfall and wreak destruction.


Pastor Chuck Heidelweiss Jnr of the Southern Quivering Brethren explained, "A devastating hurricane would cause evil people with guns to remain at home, rather than terrorising our shopping malls, schools and churches. The devastation of a hurricane would be a God given relief from the usually litany of mass killings".


The view was surprisingly echoed by President Trump who said the community spirit invoked by a natural disaster would wipe away the shame felt by the whole nation following their golfers' feeble attempt to win back the Ryder Cup. When asked whether he was simply looking for a distraction from his embattled position regarding the Epstein files, he answered, "I cannot hear your nasty question, because it is too windy".



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