Plan to award medals for going to work

After successive admirations made it impossible to educate children with innate vocational skills to get on in life, other than to join the armed forces and be shouted and shot at, the government is wondering whether a scheme to entice youngsters to get off their arses and get a medal for everyday they turn up to work, will be advantageous to the economy.

The scheme is based on observations youngsters with excellent academic abilities who did well at school, went to university and left with decent degrees, took jobs in MacDonald's, earning promotion through stars they gained; and among those who managed to survive an entire day, are now candidates to become the next BBC Director General.

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Reeves to introduce 'Culture Tax' on golf courses

The Chancellor has announced that a funding boost for British culture, such as provided by the BBC, is to come from a special tax on foreign-owned golf courses.

It is thought this tax will raise at least £1bn.

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Ministry of Justice to implement new hard-hitting plans to deal with convicted prisoners

In an attempt to staunch the recent and highly embarrassing flow of prisoners being allowed to go free moments after having been sentenced to imprisonment, the Ministry of Justice has issued new tough guidelines.

A department spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme, actually. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court to be known as "the cells".

'There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival there they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. Gosh, what silly old sausages we've been.' 

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