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Trump eats spoon


From Our Royal Correspondent:


The President caused some embarrassment at the State Banquet by consuming most of the cutlery on display. Rather than point out his mistake, grovelling UK diplomats applauded and fed him napkins.


Mr. Trump further upset protocol by squatting over the soup tureen and taking a dump - which the King heralded as a remarkable defence of free speech. No one batted an eyelid when the President gently mounted Queen Camilla during dessert. Instead Keir Starmer said we were very lucky to have this special relationship. And that he himself would be taking a turn, once the Queen fancied a break.


Rumours circulated that due to a scheduling error, Trump was in fact supposed to attend a chimp's tea party.

In other news, the chimp secured a $1bn trade deal with the US.



Freddie Kruger defects to Friday the 13th

Nightmare on Elm Street star Freddie Kruger has become the latest character to defect to another horror franchise.


Kruger has been a symbol of fear since 1984.


"Elm Street is over," he told a press conference.

Kruger said he had been "honoured" to be asked to help scare the crap out of the British people and he hoped that Farage would be the next prime minister, because that would really do it.


He said: "There have been moments when I have been very proud to belong to people's nightmares", but added: "The world is so frightening now it is getting more and more difficult.


"Better phone coverage, disused campsites being developed into housing, damp cellars and abandoned cottages turning into AirB&Bs all make it more difficult for ordinary people to be led to the slaughter."


He added: "This is my tragic conclusion, the nightmare is over, it is just not scary any more."


Kruger said he had "great regard" for Badenoch. “The Tory party has done well to create such a toxic brand, but it could be worse. Far worse. If the British public want to sh*t themselves every time they turn on the TV there is only one choice, and that is Nigel Farage and The Reform Party”.



Elon Musk agrees British Constitution 'isn't like Twitter'

The CEO of Twitter, also known as X by as many as three people, has admitted that the British electoral system is more than a Twitter poll. 


'Apparently you can only vote once, you have to use your real name and if the party with the most MPs wants to, they can hold off calling another poll, sorry election, for up to five years,' he posted on Twitter.  He also ran another poll which suggested he should be crowned King of England, but apparently, constitutionally, that is also a little flaky.  Even Grok agrees.





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