Starmer joins hand over of the sausages

Months on from his infamous speech, Sir Keir is adamant that he did not misspeak and that Oct 7th was all about bangers- and not the bomb kind. While Hamas have agreed to release Israeli hostages, Starmer is insistent that the sausages be released first. A spokeswoman for No.10 said: 'Sir Keir has been clear from the start. No sausages. No deal. And yes, he would like some chips with it.'

'It is inconceivable to suggest he said sausages by accident, because he was cynically exploiting a massacre while thinking about breakfast. The PM has always backed the bratwurst. He condemns Hamas, who are probably all vegan anyway.'

'He remembers clearly a string of sausages and being chased by a crocodile. The audience were shouting at him. His wife, Mrs Judy, hit him with a stick and-hold on...yup...yup...it was a dream. Sorry, as you were.'

Tories set out their new pollicies

The Tories got a lot of media attention for their misspelled chocolate bars with 'Britian' written on them at last week's party conference..

Keen to cappitalize on this, and to secure more meeja attention, the Tories are publicising their misdirected policies with misspelled press releases.

The top pollicies are:

Abbolishing stamp duty on houses, to help the ritch

Stopping asilum seakers

Abbolishing the sentencing council, and the spelling counsel

Leaving CHER

Raising standards in educayshun

A spokeswonk denied that the party was deliberately misspelling things in order to attract Reform voters.

photo by https://unsplash.com/@sandym10

Disney greenlights new film - Lady and the Trump

Disney announced today it had given the go-ahead to a new film, Lady and the Trump.

The film tells the story of a nice, well brought up young lady from Slovenia, in what was then Yugoslavia, who moves to New York and falls in with some rougher types.

Chief among these is a scruffy, streetwise urchin known as “the Trump”, who gets by on nothing but his own wits and the billions his dad left him.

Soon, she needs a Green Card… sorry, I mean they fall in love, and she accepts his proposal of marriage. This leads to some excruciating photo ops in which she seems to have nothing but indifference and contempt for him.

A famous scene shows them both eating the same strand of spaghetti, only for her to find he’s no longer at the other end because he’s off banging a porn star.

Still, at least his money makes it easier to silence journalists who would otherwise write about how the model agency she once worked for was known for “lending” its models to rich clients for the weekend.