Jeremy Corbyn splits in half

Firebrand left-winger Jeremy Corbyn, having run out of other people to split from, has now split himself in half.

Having split from Zarah Sultana, co-leader of the People’s Front of Islington, a party they both formed when they split from Labour, Corbyn said he noticed a strange tremor passing through his body. Once it had passed, he saw that he was now two people, who were of course bitterly opposed to each other.

In a scene many have described as reminiscent of Gollum in Lord of the Rings, he then proceeded to argue with himself.

“It’s alright, I’ll found a new party with my friends.'

'You don’t have any friends! Except Hamas, of course.'

'Maybe I’ll go and dig the allotment and think things over.'

'Oh that’s right, just walk away from the mess you’ve made, as usual…'

He then mumbled something about needing to get back “the precious', by which he is thought to mean the means of production, distribution and exchange.

His alter-ego then taunted him he’d even split from Diane Abbott, to which he replied that he was never going to regret that.

He finally made a public statement admitting that rather than 'Your Party' it had turned out to be just his party, since he’s the only remaining member.

Image: moiranazzari - Pixabay

Dedicated Family Man Sauron Assassinated

Middle-earth was left reeling this week after dedicated family man and industrious tycoon Sauron was reportedly assassinated in a two-pronged attack. The assailants included a cross-dressing soldier and two Hobbits, rumoured to be members of the LGBTQ+ community.

'He was a hero, a defender of free speech and Mordor’s values,” said a grieving spokesperson for his orc constituency. “He may have held some controversial opinions, but that doesn’t condone violence of any kind. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.'

Witnesses describe a chaotic scene outside Barad-dûr, where the attackers reportedly scaled the Dark Tower’s walls using what one observer described as 'suspiciously glittery climbing gear.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

British couple freed after months in Taliban prison: 'We were totally spying!'

A British couple who were imprisoned by the Taliban in Afghanistan for nearly eight months have been released but admit, with a small amount of giggling, 'We were totally spying'.

Peter Reynolds, 80, and his wife Barbie, 76, have lived in the country for nearly two decades but had decided to come home in February. They were stopped and imprisoned whilst on their way to the airport on vague charges such as 'educating women'.

'I remember saying to Barbie at the time', said Peter laughing to himself, 'I hope this isn't about the shit ton of spying we've been doing!'

Barbie smiled warmly, 'Oh yes! I remember that! I had only been doing a bit of spying the day before and I think you had just come back from a whole weekend of spying!'

The couple were freed and are flying to Qatar for medical checks before travelling on to the UK, it is unclear whether they will continue their work as amateur spies.

Image: WixAI