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Office workers ascend tower in Taipei


Some 200 office workers ascended one of the world’s tallest skyscrapers yesterday, just as they have done every weekday for the last 10 years of so. They made the ascent without ropes or the use of supplementary oxygen, and took the difficult interior route using a combination of stairs and elevators to make it to the 1,667ft summit of Taipei 101, one of the tallest buildings in Asia. Observers say they looked for the most part relaxed, almost disinterested.


The group faced a number of challenges along the way, among them a nasty paper jam on one of the printers on floor 16 and a leaking watercooler outside the meeting room on floor 50. Some of the party were also distracted by a tee-shirted figure climbing the outside of the building in what was presumed to be some sort of promotional stunt.


One of the first to arrive at his desk was Wei Liang who told reporters: ‘To be honest the main fear we faced was boredom. It’s a hurdle we face every day. I’ve worked in the tower for 15 years and it doesn’t get any easier. I’m in insurance. Need I say more?’


Meanwhile, when the t-shirted guy reached the summit he was met by security who gave him a damp cloth and said: ‘You missed some bird shit on the 48th floor. Back you go.’




Official Russian death toll in Ukraine rises to three


The Russian defence ministry has dismissed 'outrageous claims' from the Centre for Strategic Studies that the Russian army has lost 1.2 million troops in the special military operation in Ukraine.


A spokesman confirmed, 'Only three Russian soldiers have died, and in each case it was their own fault.  One other soldier has injured his leg after slipping in some mud, in a trap set up by saboteurs.  Beyond that, everything continues to go very well indeed. As you Yankees say, we're having a blast.'



Man in shock after his conservatory defects to Reform


“I can’t believe it,” said Terry Marsden, a 44-year-old wellness plasterer from Dagenham. “I came downstairs this morning and made myself the first cuppa of the day in the kitchen. I opened up the bifolds to the conservatory, sat down with the paper, and realised there was no roof. Worse than that, it was tanking down with rain. I looked up and realised the conservatory had completely gone — and I mean completely. All 4.0 x 5.5 m of it, including the responsibly sourced timber and 28 mm double glazing.


All I found was a note saying it had defected to Reform. If you ask me, it’s gone mental and I’m well rid of it.”



A Reform UK spokesfuhrer denied the conservatory was a waste of space. "Several lavatories have already defected and we welcome a senior conservatory to the ranks. This is exactly the kind of experience we need, together with fully insulated sandwich panels, if we are going to run the country."



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