Bond comes out of retirement to warn Rachel Reeves

A smartly dressed man ordered a martini for Rachel Reeves, asking it to be not stirred, but very shaken.

‘The name’s Bonds. Government Bonds.

‘Your polishies are a dishaster.  You’ve borrowed too much.  You’re shpending too much. I’m Government Bonds, and I’ve come out of retirement to warn you to turn back.  My interest levels in your activities are very high – the highest they’ve been since 1998. They’re heading towards 007 per cent.

‘Don’t try and laugh that off. That period since 1998 includes the Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng debacle, Brexit, and the whole Boris Johnson evil supervillain thing.

People are shkared. They are saving all their money, and they're worried about a tax bombshell.  Government spending is up, living costs are up, taxes are up, the games up. Turn back now, or everything will blow up.

And why are you stroking a fluffy white cat?

Image credit: perchance.org

Aunty Angela's Stamp Payment Error

Noah Thomkinson, now aged six years and four days, was in tears yesterday when an eagerly-anticipated sixth birthday card from his Aunty Angela failed to arrive until he was already three days into his sixth year.  He is now demanding that Angela resign from her position as his Aunt, on the grounds that she has no right to remain in the post if she was unable or unwilling to face up to the responsibilities of this position.

When he examined the envelope in which his card arrived, Noah noted that it only bore a second-class stamp, not a first class stamp, which probably accounts for its late delivery.  When Noah's parents questioned Angela about this, she explained that she had sought advice from the post office clerk before she posted the card, had been assured that a second-class stamp was all that was required, and that the payment of a substantial additional amount of money for a first-class stamp was not necessary.

Angela subsequently realised that she may well have been incorrectly advised, and that the correct payment should perhaps have been for a first-class stamp.  A final, definitive and authoritative verdict on this is currently being sought from Royal Mail, although for reasons of 'family confidentiality' they might not be able to fully reveal all of their findings to the public. 

Angela has also written to Noah and apologised for any error she may have made, and it is not clear at this stage how Noah will respond.  This is being watched carefully and with bated breath by all the rest of Noah's family, by all of his young friends, the family next door, the rest of the street, other customers in the post office and (as usual, because they are - as ever - desperately short of things to report on) the local press. 

Meanwhile, Noah's parents have praised Angela and expressed their 'full confidence' in her as an aunt to Noah.

Trump declares war on death

In a statement live from the White House, President Trump has declared war on his own mortality.

The declaration came as a surprise to officials, as the announcement was supposed to be a major pivot from Make America Great Again to Made America Great Again. But due to wayward deviations and a previously unsurpassed display of meaningless rambling, a declaration of war became the key takeaway.

All Americans over six years of age are to be conscripted to fight this great war, which must be won, and won quickly. It is unclear what the strategy will be, or what weapons will be deployed, but it will be the largest military undertaking since Operation Spearhead to locate his favourite hat.

American intelligence agencies have been tasked with finding out precisely what it is that can be used to kill death. Senior Generals have been placed on high alert, although there has been confusion as to what they should be alert for.

'Maybe some sort of intense Situation Room scenario?' offered Major General Randy Manner. 'And if it's anything like last time, orders from the Commander in Chief to bomb death with everything we've got.'

Image credit: perchance.org