Man pledges tough new 'one in, one out' policy on freezer items

A Sunderland man promised tough new targets on items going in and out of his 4-shelf household Hotpoint freezer today, in a clear the air summit with his wife over the domestic division of labour.

 Steve Vickers, 36, pledged to reduce the number of individual items to 'hundreds', committed to a deep clean of the bottom tray, and aimed to implement a system of chucking fish items out after the recommended three months - only if he retained control over freezer duties in future.

'A combination of cheap pieces of cod from the Baltics, 3 for 2 offers at Asda on Ben and Jerry's, and your annual commitment in January - never followed through, I might add - to eating more Quorn have created unsustainable pressure on the shelves', argued Vickers defensively to his wife. Responding to the charge that the freezer door wouldn't shut properly, he announced that 'what is needed is a root and branch review and one of them big retro Smeg freezers, like Dave and Nicky have next door.'

'Steve has no credibility on freezers', sighed his wife Samantha. 'The main problem is all that random 'meat' in there from the raffle him and Dave won down the King's Head - why are we storing it all? 

'His record on household chores is dreadful,' added Samantha. 'He does bins, admittedly, but Jesus, does everyone know about it when he does. Mansplaining about which plastics can be recycled does not constitute a coherent plan for getting this house into shape. In the time that it takes him to deliver his classic stump speech about being 'tough on grime, tough on the causes of grime', I've cleaned the bathroom, done three loads of washing and emptied the dishwasher.'

Image credit: Wix AI

Transgender individual arrested for listening to Woman's Hour

An individual who was born male, but transgendered to become female, has been arrested after her neighbour heard them listening to Woman’s Hour and made a police complaint.

It isn’t clear at this stage if they will be charged, or under which offence, but a BBC spokesperson told Newsbiscuit 'It should be obvious from the programme’s name that anyone who isn’t legally a woman, shouldn’t be listening to Woman's Hour.'

We asked the BBC if it had plans to broadcast a programme to cater for the interests of transgender people. A BBC spokesperson, who politely declined to say which gender they identify as, explained that the BBC had to comply with the law and its own strict equality rules. It would therefore be necessary to have separate additional programmes to cater for transgender women as well transgender men; possibly even transgender hermaphrodites. They noted that a decision has still to be made about whether a 1923 proposal for a programme called Man’s Hour can go ahead, and advised us they wouldn’t hold their breath, if they were us.

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Starmer hits out at Dissolution of the Monasteries

In his hardest-hitting tweet yet, Prime Minster Keir Starmer has criticised Henry VIII for his ‘uncalled-for, and frankly quite nasty’ conduct towards Catholics.

Starmer is believed to be gradually working his way through ‘bad things that have happened’ and is on course to finally do something about the Gaza genocide – for which Britain is an official Sponsor - ‘at some point in the late 21st or early 22nd century’, according to government sources.

Palestinian amputees, gradually wasting away as a consequence of the blockading of international aid, expressed gratitude that the horrors of the Dissolution were finally being recognised.

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