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US Military prepared for 'lush, verdant fields' of Greenland


US Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth today assured Americans that the military was ready and equipped to capture the rolling green hills of Greenland.


'Our proud fighting men have been supplied with the latest in mobile attack units, perfect for dealing with all the tall grass and small patches of mud that Greenland’s terrain can throw at us.' a spokesman in sandals and aa Hawaiian shirt told gathering reporters.


'We have made sure troops will be able to deal with any hay fever or small cuts caused by the lush verdant hills by issuing plasters and antihistamines as standard.' He added.


Hegseth went on to describe the army’s standard issue cargo shorts and sunglasses for combating the beating sun on Greenland’s idyllic ranges.


When asked if there would be any considerations of protecting the invading force from extreme cold in the depth of winter, the spokesman replied, 'No, you’re thinking of Iceland. Clue's in the name.'


Wind farm owners told to try harder


The vast offshore Seagreen wind farm wasted 77% of the energy produced last year, because the electricity grid can't cope.


'This is a familiar story of good intentions undermined by incompetence, poor planning and poor execution,' said a government spokesbody. 'We have spoken to all those currently involved - put the wind up them, if you like - and made it clear that 77% is not good enough. We are fed up of going round and round in circles on this.


'If the operator cannot improve on 77%, then we will act swiftly to set up a commission with wide ranging powers to look at options and report back. I can confirm that there will be subcommittees and that difficult decisions will be taken. That'll learn 'em.


'In the meantime, we've set the operator an interim target to get to 85% this year, and to reach 95% wastage by 2030.


'That'll take the wind out of their sails' said one blowhard.


Trump finds Fentanyl in Greenland


Much to the concern of Denmark, the US is set to designate Greenland as a rogue terrorist state, which is one threat level below 'country that has oil'. Accusing Greenland of drug production is usually a precursor to invading or 'freedomizing' as the CIA call it.


Greenland will become the 53rd state, after Venezuela and Jeffrey Epstein's sex island. The indigenous people will be preserved in the same way native Americans were - so probably in pickle.


Greenland is very lucky that democracy is coming to them, despite already being a democracy, but this type of democracy comes with no universal health care. Said one General: 'If we don't find Fentanyl, our Big Pharma will bring its own.'


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