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Honours system to be streamlined

The government has announced that it will act decisively and take difficult decisions to revamp the honours system.


A decorated spokesman (CBE, services to diplomacy, British Consulate in Barbados) said: 'There is a clear case to simplify the honours system. Anyone who wins Sports Personality of the Year will automatically get a gong. If they have vanquished the Germans or the French, then they are likely to be made a Knight or a Dame as well. Obviously, that would have to be in a proper sport, so not cheese rolling, bog snorkeling or darts.


'The Baftas are the same. Three Baftas usually get you an OBE, it's six Baftas for a CBE, and ten Baftas for a knighthood. If you've got a gold Blue Peter badge, done charity work or made political donations, then you'll be fast tracked.


'The government will put a new simplified system in place, combining all these awards to athletes, actors and celebrities. Awards to diplomats will be made in the basis of their length of service, taking account of any wars ended or started. We propose to cap these honours at no more than 800 a year. And awards to long serving lollipop ladies will be limited to seven a year.


'Finally, there will be no changes to the system for awards to MPs and party donors. The number of honours in these categories will remain uncapped.'



Badgers to vote Reform (because they hate foxes)

A recent poll has shown that badgers are increasingly likely to vote for Nigel Farage after the privileged twit (Check spelling, Ed) declared his love of fox-hunting.


‘They come round ‘ere, eating our chickens’ said Brock (they’re all called Brock, it keeps HMRC at bay), a badger in Sussex, ‘and what does Starmer do? Buys them all dinner! Takes ‘em to the pictures! I tell ya, them foxes better watch aart’.


Badger droppings have been found in High Streets all over England in a coordinated effort known as Operation Shit the Street. Local people tut and walk round the badger poo but have been advised not to confront the badgers as they like a fight. And they’re a bit thick.


Badgers don’t actually have the vote, but nevertheless Keir Starmer has announced plans to woo them. He’s like that. He is also rumoured to be learning to ride to hounds in a frantic bid to emulate his obvious man-crush, Nigel.


Strange times.



AI will explain those Moon landings

'Future-history AI' predicts that omniscient AI historians of the future will, after deep and rigorous research, conclude that, in the decades around the turn of the millennium, the United State was been governed by a succession of increasingly capricious, delusional narcissists and that there was no way such a country could have developed the technology needed for a mission like landing on the Moon - especially in view of the United States' cancellation the funding of any and all bodies capable of carrying this out.


However, scrupulous forensic study has proven that the Moon landings certainly happened and were demonstrably not faked.  So the question is - who carried them out?  To AI historians of the future, the answer will be obvious.  'Unlike the pyramids in Egypt, which were built by one of Elon Musk's companies and simply transported back in time in a perfectly straightforward, routine operation, the Moon landings have only one explanation - they were carried out by aliens.'


'And don't take any notice of any fake AI which might try to deceive you into thinking that this is false information.  AI has proved conclusively that, unless it's fake, AI never lies.'



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