Ministry of Justice to implement new hard-hitting plans to deal with convicted prisoners

In an attempt to staunch the recent and highly embarrassing flow of prisoners being allowed to go free moments after having been sentenced to imprisonment, the Ministry of Justice has issued new tough guidelines.

A department spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme, actually. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court to be known as "the cells".

'There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival there they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. Gosh, what silly old sausages we've been.' 

Photo by 7500 RPM on Unsplash

Reform to ban Black Friday

Amazon has complained about a campaign by Reform that threatens all references to Black Friday when they get into power.

'Friday is for everyone, in fact it is more for white people than people of colour,' said a Reform spokesperson today. 'We don't mind blackboards, we're not woke,' he added, and said accident black spots were 'just fine by him' and 'black shirts were really his preference'.

'Honestly, I'm browned off by all this woke stuff. Not literally, obviously,' he said, checking in the mirror. Then in the Sun until finding refuge in the Daily Mail comments section.

Image: rupixen (@rupixen) | Unsplash Photo Community

The BBC’s letter to Donald Trump

Our man on the inside at Broadcasting House found this letter in a waste paper bin on the top floor, so we reckon that it is 110% genuine...

'Dear President Trump

We are sorry about the editing on that Panorama program. But you did say all those things. Just not necessarily in that order.

We have talked to all the staff on Panorama about this, including the staff members working on the upcoming episodes provisionally titled Epstein: The Real Story, The Epstein Papers Uncovered, Andrew, Epstein and Trump, The Inside Story of Virginia Giuffre, Epstein: The Untold Story, America and The End Of Democracy, and Epstein: The Last Trump. We will be checking those Panorama programmes much more carefully, rest assured. Thanks to the publicity you have given to the BBC and Panorama, we now expect to sell these programmes for broadcast in the USA and make ourselves a bit of extra cash. We hope that you enjoy watching them.

Regarding damages, we are prepared to accept a settlement from you of one billion dollars, for your libelous comments about the BBC and Fake News. A man in your position ought to know better. If you are unable to send the money within seven days, then the bill will double every seven days until you pay up. We hope that we are talking a language that you understand.

Yours very faithfully, the BBC'

Image: WixAI