The Greater Manchester Police travel agency

Dear happy holidaymaker,

In a first for British policing, the Greater Manchester force is offering an electrifying start to your holiday.

What would you normally be doing while waiting two hours between check-in and boarding? Drinking a cup of coffee you didn't want at Costa?

Well now, you can arrange your flight through us at Manchester's Lubyanka Airport and experience the thrill of witnessing armed police officers kicking and stamping on the heads of youths while a screeching, bossy boots WPC points a taser at your head and tells you to 'get back!'

You don't get that kind of action at Stansted or Gatwick. Well, not yet.

And Saturday nights are gala nights at Manchester Airport, with special guest Charlotte Dujardin, CBE, whipping holidaymakers repeatedly around the departure hall while shouting: 'These are sh** at hitting hard.'

Booking your holiday flight through Greater Manchester Police will make you extra happy to get the hell out of the UK - to somewhere quite nice like Sweden or Switzerland, where suspects don't get thrown to the ground by armed police and kicked repeatedly until their feet get tired.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trump sues Kamala Harris for being younger than him

Donald Trump's campaign has filed a complaint with the Federal Election Commission against Kamala Harris accusing her of being provocatively younger, blacker and with a better memory than the candidate he was expecting to battle.

'This is a thinly vailed attempt to make me look old, white and, what's that word?', said the complaint. 'What's more, she's never been pregnant. I've been pregnant so many times - everyone says so.'

Trump supporters have got behind the former president and pointed out that he is still taller than Ms Harris, although Ms Harris responded that Mr Trump was taller than her when he was lying down.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Poor children 'excited' for creation of Child Poverty Taskforce

Children in poorer areas of the UK are said to be 'buzzing' for Labour's creation of a taskforce to address child poverty.

Luke Lyle, 7, said 'I can't wait to play Taskforces in the playground with my friends. I imagine it's like Avengers assembling. I am quite hungry though because my parents can't afford lunches every day. If Labour would just abolish the Tory two child benefit cap, then I could have some lunch, rather than waiting until the Taskforce inevitably makes that recommendation anyway.'

'Please sir. Can I have some more?'

'More?!' blustered one Conservative, almost dropping his monocle into his brandy in horror. 

'Poor children should be working, cleaning the chimneys in my country retreat. Anyway, you can't just... give poor people money! What if they use it to make better lives for themselves? That would simply never do.'

Picture credit: Wix AI