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The ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses


Can't think up a good excuse for missing work a second day running? Or for rolling home drunk on your anniversary without a gift for your wife and with lipstick on your collar?


You need to sign up at the ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses.


This is the woman who stunned the world by saying that Minnesota mum Renee Good, who was shot by ICE agents while driving away in her car, was a domestic terrorist trying to run them over.


ICE Barbie, aka Kristi Noem, then went one better by saying that ICU nurse Alex Pretti, who was shot several times on the ground by Border Patrol agents, was on the verge of killing them all with his phone and a gun still in its holster. And, naturally, she called the slain man a domestic terrorist.


"Our policy with domestic terrorists," Barbie told the press, "is to shoot first and think up vile excuses after."


"The greatest excuse of all," gushed a current student at the ICE Barbie School, "was her excuse for making all these outrageous excuses. She said Trump and his henchman Stephen Miller had told her to say them.


"Barbie's like a cockroach," the student continued to gush. "She is utterly incompetent and thick but her ability to tell jaw-dropping lies to keep herself out of trouble makes her indestructible."


The student in question, one Kemi Badenoch from London, had enrolled at the ICE Barbie School to learn how to explain away the defection of 23 current and former Conservative MPs to Reform UK.



No one brave enough to admit they’ll miss Pornhub


Despite 12 million UK users, the infamous website was unable to find a single person who could recall using it. Explained a doctor. 'Amnesia can be caused by repeatedly beating the meat. Unrestricted bludgeoning of the beefsteak will create holes in your memory but, sadly, not in your internet search history.'


Too afraid to raise a hand in protest, particularly as their palms are hairy, the British public will have to focus on cold showers. Said one user, who wished to remain anonymous, but we’ll call Meter Pandleson: 'I’ve a friend who had to resort to this service, since their favourite island shut down. Losing Pornhub will be another blow, and it’s bad enough that they can no longer call themselves the Duke of York.'


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Retired Colonel hides erection with copy of Daily Telegraph as Nigella joins Bake Off


A BBC spokes-cake said 'Prue Leith has defected, presumably to join Reform, so set your oven to gas mark phwoar, we've got Nigella Lawson as her replacement. We wanted another woman with impeccably Tory-adjacent credentials to judge what is essentially a village fete gone rogue. Nigella's contract says she must pronounce the word microwave differently in every episode. More tea, vicar?'


One retired Colonel coughed awkwardly and made a noise like an uneasy horse before braying 'Will Nigella be covering herself in lashings of butter cream every week? Whipping her meringues into stiff peaks? She makes my gingerbread snap... to attention that is. Ohhhh - nurse, it's happened again - a soggy bottom.'


He continued 'Mind you, if it came to it, I'd probably give Paul Hollywood a firm... err... handshake.'



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