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"But you're already king of Greenland," Denmark tells Trump


"You don't need to put any tariffs on us or our neighbours," Danish foreign minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen told President Trump at a ceremony in the Oval Office, "because we've all made you Lord High King of Greenland."


With a smirk on his face, he formally handed the president a paper crown and a plastic badge with the words "Bigly Greenland Boss" on it, while half a dozen other European politicians applauded, sniggering, in the background.


"I'm really a king?" asked Trump, his eyes wide in ecstasy. "And I can tax my vassals?"


"Sure you are," replied Rasmussen, shoving a toilet brush into hands.


"Here's your Majesty's sceptre. And here's a year's tribute from your loving Greenland subjects," he added, handing Trump a wad of Monopoly money.


"Now I want to nuke Mexico," demanded the president, turning to a line of generals. "Can I do that?"


"Sure you can," replied one of them, nudging a colleague and giving him a wink. "Just press that red, plasticine button on your desk. There, you see? It's done."


"I'm the first ever US president to be Greenland king and I've just zapped 100 million Mexicans!" gloated Trump, climbing up onto his high chair throne. "People will remember me for ever for that!"


"Oh, you'll be remembered, all right," everyone in the room exclaimed in unison.




Trump to embark on nationwide tour of book depositories and grassy knolls


In an attempt to bolster falling popularity in the opinion polls, and possibly to deflect from the failure to release the Epstein files, the President is planning on a US-wide tour to raise his profile.


'I'm touring this great country bigly and I've been given a solid gold convertible car to drive through the major cities so adoring crowds can fete me,' said the President today, unfurling a large map showing his route from Washington Dead Centre to Dallas High Street, taking in every book depository and grassy knoll en-route, 'as that French loser Macron might say,' added the President.


'Apparently book depositories are great for vantage views for viewing Great Presidents,' he said, adding, 'and grassy knolls are pure confeve for watching from,' he said, noting that his red MAGA hat would make him 'easy to spot'.


Early reports are that every vantage spot is being occupied by citizens from seventy nations already.




No internet horror-sounds alright


Iran has cut off the internet to its people, prompting wide scale outrage online-which fortunately they don't have to read. Influencers and chat rooms have been furious, while most Iranians read a good book.


This clampdown on CIA sponsored unrest, has meant no spam mail, no clickbait and no toxic posts by Donald Trump. Said one Iranian. 'I know I should miss all that online "democracy", but I now have an extra six hours a day with my friends and family. "


One US General said 'Iranians can't appreciate freedom, unless they are on their cell phones 24/7, in debt to Amazon and monitored by Palantir. How they going to know that America is the greatest if they can't hear Mr Beast?"




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