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Don't Let's Be Beastly To War Criminals


Senior politicians have lambasted peace protestors for being terribly rude. Pointing out that someone is a genocidal maniac is not the done thing, and such gauche behaviour is bound to ruin the garden party and upset the vicar.


Their "un-British" antics are the equivalent of passing the cucumber sandwiches in the wrong direction, while taking a shit on the Magna Carta. Said one Minister: 'It's almost like these people were trying to draw attention to their cause.'


'How dare they suggest that Tony Blair is a murderer or that killing babies is wrong. That's just the sort of tactless behaviour I would expect from someone from a local comprehensive. Is it too much to ask that people show good table manners and ignore any International Arrest Warrants?"




Tories offer to get young people on Rwandan Housing Ladder


Speaking to a room of seats at the Conservative Party Conference, the shadow chancellor announced a merger of classic policies to create a new incentive; young people can buy a house by renting for a period, then having this count towards a discount on the property in the suburbs of Kigali.


'This generation dream of home ownership, but find all the properties in their budget have already been bought by landlords paying cash,' said the chancellor. 'Obviously, we don't want to upset those landlords as they're likely party members, and we gave so much money to the Rwandan government when we were in power that we figured this was a good way to maximise the return on the investment.'


Speaking to the press after the announcement, a party official elaborated on the idea, telling us, 'The young will love Kigali: the weather is good, the internet is fast, and the whole country has been genocide-free for at least five years. And if they get tired of life in paradise, then they can trek across the Sahara and Mediterranean, traverse their way across Europe, and pay a people trafficker to bring them back to the UK on a small boat.'




Farage to be nominated for volunteering award

‘Volunteering is when you do something for free’, a spokesman explained. ‘For example, if I’m paid by the Council to pick up litter but you supplement this by doing some unpaid litterpicks – that’s volunteering.


‘We noticed that Nigel had heroically made speeches on behalf of Russia without being paid for them – most notably on 24th March 2014, 16th September 2014 and 12th November 2015. These were completely free of charge and definitely not treason or bribery or anything like that.


‘What a contrast with his friend and colleague Nathan Gill who took bribes for very similar speeches. Right there you have the reason why Nigel Farage is a true gent – helping out an impoverished neighbour (Russia) with no thought for his personal gain’.




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