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£1.8bn for Digital ID but think of the clubcard points!


The general public are outraged by the profligacy, but no one can turn their nose up at cheap tickets to Alton Towers. A Minister said: "Yes its a dystopian authoritative overreach, but on the upside you'll get 5% off Tesco brand trainers."


£1.8bn on a loyalty card is a bargain when you think of the things we could wasted it on- like ending homelessness. Instead we'll get a shiny bit of plastic, every bit as valuable as your Blockbuster card.


"No one wants a Digital ID and the end of freedom but f$ck it, 50% off at Hungry Horse pubs- think of that! I'd sell my kids to Palantir if it meant a discounted family day out - which kind of defeats the point, but so what. My liberty is nothing compared to marginally less expensive RAC breakdown cover."









It will, eventually, all be the fault of Reform


The labour party has been so busy blaming the nasty wicked evil Tories for everything it hasn't been able to fix, that it hasn't noticed that the Tories are no longer any kind of electoral threat.


'Perhaps we need to accept that the rotten, wretched Reform party is a greater threat' said a spokessomethingorother-close-to-the-Labour party.  'And realise that if we lose to them in the next election, we might have to put up with them for a while.  But we will then have to decide whether we will still be "not-the-Tory party", or will have to change our entire electoral strategy and become "not-the-Reform party", and blame the rotten-wretched-Reform party for everything which will have gone wrong, instead of continuing, for ever, to attribute the blame for absolutely everything entirely to the nasty-wicked-evil-Tory party.'


'Are we capable of re-orientating our entire political philosophy so fundamentally?  As usual, as is our tradition, we don't know / aren't sure / haven't made up our minds - so no change there.  And anyway, we  can always change our minds again afterwards, if we ever do make a decision.'




Budget 2025: Your questions answered


Q: I'm hearing a lot about "fiscal drag" in this budget. Will Ru Paul be presenting it? (Cecil from Penge)


A: Naturally.


Q: This tax hike on betting is diabolical, isn't it? (Gary from Aintree)


A: We agree, raising the tax rate on sports betting from 15% to 25% means that when you chuck all your money away, you won't be enriching the deserving bookie so much. You'll be wasting a quarter of your dosh on funding schools and hospitals.


Q: My budget is moulting, and it won't play with its mirror or its bell. (Doris from Braintree)


A: I'm sorry to hear that. Take your budget to the vets first thing in the morning.


Q: Kemi Badenoch called this "the most chaotic budget ever". Is she right? (Keir from Westminster)


A: Objectively speaking, of course it was. But one shouldn't be too harsh on Rachel Reeves. You have no idea how difficult it is to prepare Britain's budget when you haven't a clue what you are doing.




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