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Americans pray for Hurricane Imelda to hit Southern States

In a surprise move, Churches across the United States have been praying for Hurricane Imelda to make landfall and wreak destruction.


Pastor Chuck Heidelweiss Jnr of the Southern Quivering Brethren explained, "A devastating hurricane would cause evil people with guns to remain at home, rather than terrorising our shopping malls, schools and churches. The devastation of a hurricane would be a God given relief from the usually litany of mass killings".


The view was surprisingly echoed by President Trump who said the community spirit invoked by a natural disaster would wipe away the shame felt by the whole nation following their golfers' feeble attempt to win back the Ryder Cup. When asked whether he was simply looking for a distraction from his embattled position regarding the Epstein files, he answered, "I cannot hear your nasty question, because it is too windy".



Man actually looking forward to Starmer’s speech

It was revealed today that a man is genuinely looking forward to Sir Keir Starmer’s party conference speech this afternoon.


Colin Sawdust of Oswestry already has a blank tape in his VHS (he doesn’t hold with these modern DVD players) to record the speech, which he expects to find very moving.


“I just love the way he combines a sober, realistic and wide-ranging analysis of the problems Britain faces in the medium term, with a reasonable and measured series of proposals designed to address those problems. Ooh, I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it...


“I especially like when he pauses after what he thinks is a brilliant rhetorical flourish, and there’s an awkward silence followed by polite golf applause when people realise they were meant to clap.”


Sawdust, who is Deputy Head of Acquisitions at Oswestry’s Museum of Gravel, says that boring people like himself are often underestimated.


”For example, I suspect I got this job mostly because the people who interviewed me felt bad about falling asleep while I was talking.”



Trump jails both US and European Ryder Cup teams

"I have issued an official legal order imprisoning everyone who played in last weekend's Ryder Cup for un-American activities," Trump told reporters while adding his signature to some words scrawled on the back of an envelope.


"The European team are guilty of being un-American by beating our great golfing heroes at what I've decreed is our national sport.


"Lots of people are saying nowadays that golf was invented by a fat, rich, lazy American who wanted to play a game in which he could ride round in a buggy all day. That sounds a lot like me, your favourite president.


"And I'm locking up the US players for being un-American and losing to a bunch of very nasty, yoghurt-eating European liberals.


"That's despite the thousands of robot spectators we packed onto the course to chant 'USA! USA' and boo Rory McIlroy whenever he was playing a shot.


"I sentence these traitors to hard labour," ranted Trump, suppressing the urge to make a Nazi salute. "I'll make them build the White House's new Jeffrey Epstein Memorial Ballroom and serve drinks in it to Prince Andrew and all the other guests.


"Besides, they ignored my presidential orders to win the Ryder Cup by cheating," said Trump.


"How do you expect to win if you don't cheat?"



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