Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

'Stress and depression during pregnancy can negatively impact on the foetus' said Dr Jane Jones of the New England College of Actual Medicine As Opposed To Speculative Bullshit, 'and there is no surer route to stress and depression than hearing Trump speak and realising this is one of the most powerful people in the world.'

Medical authorities later amended the advice to add that Trump should not be listened to by non-pregnant women, or by men, or indeed anyone ever. They also recommended 'relocating out of the USA to somewhere far away where you'll never hear about him, I don't know, somewhere remote like Greenland.'

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Epstein estate try to distance themselves form Sarah Ferguson

The Duchess of York has learned that the estate of Jeffrey Epstein has distanced themselves from her and announced that they had been mere acquaintances that occasionally crossed paths at parties. This has been announced in the wake of an email emerging in which Ferguson called the deceased sex offender her 'supreme friend'.

'I don't really know where she's getting 'supreme friend' from, ' said Ferguson's spokesperson, 'Mr Epstein had met her a number of times but viewed that as a huge error of judgement. The estate and the memory of Jeffery Epstein would be forever tarnished if any other description of the relationship was accepted'.

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Don’t mention the Taliban: I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it

Reform leaders are breathing normally again after Richard Tice’s recent intervieworial train crash revealed that the party plans to send millions of pounds to fund the Taliban in exchange for them taking some slightly brown people off our hands.

'Brown is brown', a spokesman might have said. 'Every little helps. We’ll never get back to one of the really good Dulux shades, but every tone lighter is worth a good hundred million'.

The obvious problem with sending millions to the Taliban is that it’s likely to be spent on terrorist training camps, which some observers have suggested might be a Bad Thing. Reform’s solution? Operation Don’t Mention The Taliban – a smorgasbord of nonsense policies to deflect attention from plans to directly fund terrorists from UK taxes. Possibly the silliest such policy is redefining the word 'indefinite' to mean 'until I say so', which has proven popular among lamppost & casual racism afficionados.

The other benefit of Operation Don’t Mention The Taliban is that it deflects attention from Nigel’s £900k house, which was apparently bought – quite normally - with cash his girlfriend saved up from waitressing tips.

Image: WixAI