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Gaza interim leader Blair calls Gordon Brown in for "one last job"

The potential new Gaza authority interim leader, Tony Blair, is looking to bring in former Deputy and PM Gordon Brown for "one last job". An exclusive transcript of the call has reached us here at Newsbiscuit HQ. We publish it in full today.


<ringing>


Gordon Brown (GB): Good morning, this is former Prime Minister Gordon Brown.


Tony Blair (TB): Hi Gordon. It's Tony.


GB: <muffled harumph> You've got some nerve calling me, Blair.


TB: It's good to hear your voice, Gordon.


GB: Don't try that shit with me, Blair, I'm not Rupert Murdoch.


TB: Gordon, it's water under the Bridge. It's 30 years ago!


GB: 30 years! <heavy sigh> Some cuts run deep, Tony.


TB: I know. And I'm sorry.


GB: Sometimes sorry isn't enough!


TB: I handed you the top job, Gordon.


GB: A year too late!


TB: OK, OK. Look, we need to talk.


GB: Woah, woah, woah. I know that tone. I'm retired.


TB: They want me in Gaza, to sort it all out.


GB:……don't you dare…..


TB: I need you Gordon…


GB: You are unbelievable, the nerve!


TB: Milburn is in. Beckett is in.


GB: (pause) Alan and Maggie are in?


TB: You know she hates you calling her that.


GB: <chuckles> Yes, she always did. What about Jack?


TB: Jack is in if you're in. You're the final piece of the puzzle.


GB: I'm not sure. I need time.


TB: The military industrial complex doesn't have time, Gordon. Sales targets are coming up.


GB: Those poor guys.


TB: You can help, Gordon, we can turn this around….


GB: SHUT UP! Let me think………….You son of a bitch, I'm in. Tell Jack to get that bottle of single malt ready.


TB: Thank you Gordon, you won't regret it.


GB: When do we start?


TB: The car is outside your house.


GB: <looks through window> (laughs) YOU MOTHERF…….<click>



'Uggi' Blair to reprise historic president's poodle act

"I am so very excited about the President's wonderful transitional peace plan for Gaza," gushed four-legged Tony Blair, lolling out his tongue and rolling over.


"It will allow me to capture the world's attention, as I did 25 years ago, by following a US president like a poodle around the Middle East.


"And as Trump's top stooge for his impossibly wise and far-sighted peace plan, I will have the onerous duty of travelling around the world's capitals, staying in agreeable hotels and attending state banquets - all in exchange for my usual daily rates, and the assurance that they will rename Gaza City Blairsburg-in-the-Sands.


"Why do they call it the transition plan, you ask," said Blair, responding to a reporter's reluctant question with his customary grin and tail wag.


"Because hopefully, it will end up with Trump getting transitioned into a Nobel Peace Prize winner, and the Pope transitioning me into becoming the world's first living saint."



Burnum denies any leadership ambitions

Mancunius Burnum, one of the most popular members of the Roman senate, has denied that he is anything but 100% supportive of “that useless twat” Julius Starmer.


“Believe me, I have no ambitions to be leader myself,” he told reporters from the Daily Praetorian, while sharpening his knife. “And everyone on my leadership campaign team will tell you the same.”


He then proceeded up the Palatine Hill to the Forum, where he stabbed Starmer in the back, though he insisted he was merely trying to be supportive.


“I thought he was about to fall - he’s been declining for some time - so I put my hand out to help. Totally forgot I was holding the knife! How stupid do I feel?”


However, some commentators worry Starmer’s death may benefit the populist Faragus Octavian more than Burnum, as his anti-immigrant message resonates with many among the plebeian classes.


“They try to paint me as a racist just because I have reasonable concerns about the number of Vandals, Huns and Visigoths you see in Rome these days,” Faragus told his supporters at a tavern near the Circus Maximus. “But we all know who’s doing the sacking and pillaging, don’t we? I remember when you could leave your villa without locking your front door… bring back the Roman Empire, that’s what I say.”



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