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Elon Musk agrees British Constitution 'isn't like Twitter'

The CEO of Twitter, also known as X by as many as three people, has admitted that the British electoral system is more than a Twitter poll. 


'Apparently you can only vote once, you have to use your real name and if the party with the most MPs wants to, they can hold off calling another poll, sorry election, for up to five years,' he posted on Twitter.  He also ran another poll which suggested he should be crowned King of England, but apparently, constitutionally, that is also a little flaky.  Even Grok agrees.





Starmer runs out of rakes to step on

The King of Self-Inflicted Wounds has declared a national shortage of rakes and not enough zippers to trap his peni$ in. The PM's commitment to slapstick has meant that he has run out of low beams to collide with, puddles to fall in and genocides to embrace.


Sir Keir's commitment to destroying himself is so strong, he cannot change his socks without crashing the economy. He has the Midas touch - if everything Midas touched turned to something a bit racist.


If there is an unforced error to be made, Starmer is the man with a plan and whoopee cushion. He makes the Chuckle Brothers look like rocket scientists. Said an aide: 'I've seen Keir trip over his own feet and fall head first into a sausage machine. Which is ironic, as Peter Mandleson had to resign because of a sausage machine.'



Robber planning penultimate heist to evade justice


Serial bank robber Danny ‘Fingers’ MacGregor is to carry out his penultimate bank job, a move described by police as “unsporting”.


‘As a police officer I live for final jobs’, DI Watkins told us. ‘Well, final jobs and doughnuts. With a blagger as careful as Fingers you only get one chance to nail him – his last job. The one he can retire on. Always make a mistake, see? Usually it’s a last-minute substitution because the wheelman has a dodgy tummy, sometimes they try to double cross Mr Big – doesn’t matter what it is, the gods are watching, and they know.


‘However, by planning his final two jobs but only carrying out the first, Fingers will miss all that bad luck. I had hoped to see him go down before I retired but this is my final week in the job. Hope it’s reasonably uneventful. For some reason the boss has partnered me with a psychopathic weirdo with a death wish, but I’m sure all will be well’.


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