Met Police hold victory parade after capturing Kebatu

"We managed to find a wrongly released prisoner who was hanging around in plain sight without shooting him, or stamping on his head and then covering it up by fabricating witness statements," boasted a spokes-Taser for the Met Police.

"That's why we're organising a victory parade for ourselves from Chelmsford to Finsbury Park, handing out the Hadush Kebatu Victory Medal to everyone involved in the complex task of tracking him down when he had told us where he was.

"We can be truly proud that we managed to apprehend someone within two days who wasn't actually trying to hide from us and managing not to arrest someone else instead, like Mr Ed the Talking Horse, and beating them senseless in the Charing Cross station cells."

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GB News to live stream small boat crossings

So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel.

Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but we liked the irony of using their money to help the asylum seekers.'

GB News is excited by its new channel. 'Our viewers will be able to get angry whenever they want. Round the clock coverage of small boats arriving will be like manna from heaven. This should see off Fox News and the other weirdo channels.'

Border Force are less pleased. 'Our staff will be on telly, doing their jobs, but without an artists contract. No make up. No intimacy coordinator. No chow truck. No pay. Worst of all - not even a sniff at an Equity card.

To add insult to injury, another TV company plans to film a documentary about the live streaming. 'It'll be mayhem,' said our source. 'We are considering making our own documentary about them, to set the record straight and counterbalance any less than impartial journalism.'

'Then we can get ourselves Equity cards and ensure that we get a fair share of broadcast fees. And we're planning to have a TV tie in book out for Christmas too.

'Ker-ching!'

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New series of Hunted to feature escaped criminals

With 262 prisoners released in error, the government has begged C4 to find them again. The new series will show understaffed prison guards leaving doors unlocked, while elite bounty hunters catch the criminals with large butterfly nets.

There has been a 50% increase in accidental releases, which means no need for cakes baked with files in them. In fact, there are more criminals now living in the wild than beavers.

Said one hunter: 'In theory these molestors and crooks could be anywhere, but in practise most are in the Labour cabinet.'

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