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Trump's Christmas message


Greetings, earthlings. It's a great Christmas with prices lower than they were in 1925. If you got two dolls for Christmas that's plenty. No-one needs more than two dolls, except Sleepy Joe Biden and Crooked Hilary, Randy Andy and Dozy Don.


I have brought peace on earth. I've ended wars in Gaza, Crimea, Greenland, Venezuela, Brazil, LA, Chicago and Kyiv. I'm taking Greenland because we own it, just like Vlad owns the Donbas. Donbas was named after me, you know. I've named other stuff after myself, as well, to commemorate my achievements - Trump Wall, TrumpForce One, the Trump Takeaway chain, Mount TrumpMore, and Trump Steak.


Truth Social has more than fifty billion subscribers, lots more than X which only has one hundred. X is Latin for one hundred, by the way.


I've sacked or demoted thousands of Sleepy Joe's sleeper agents - judges, diplomats, air traffic controllers and military folk. I've released the Epstein files which prove my innocence . I don't know what's under those black rectangles either. I'm cleaning the stables. I'm like Shake'n'Vac - I put the freshness back.


I've deported thousands of unAmerican so-called Americans. I've created billions of jobs, mostly in the legal profession. I've issued thousands of proclamations, sorry, Executive Orders. All to give you the best Christmas ever.


My health remains untarnished, apart from one hand. My mentalness remains tippy-tip-tip-top, and my doctors say I have the heart of a 79-year old. I'm good to go. But I'm not going to go, I'm going to stay. Donald 2028. Huzzah! Merry Christmas, losers.



A Christmas Carol – Abridged version


Scrooge shook his quill, then slipped a bony finger into the ink pot, confirming that it was dry.


‘Cratchit!’ he shouted, causing young Bob to snap his head up, fear in his eyes. He realised that the ink pot was dry and Scrooge was angry.


‘I’ve been thinking,’ growled Scrooge, fixing young Bob’s stare. ‘You’re right. Let’s close up, scoot to Spoons, get shit-faced and we can pick up a turkey from Tesco on the way home for Mrs Cratchit,’ he said.


Bob relaxed. ‘And tomorrow – Christmas Day?’ he asked.


‘Don’t push it Cratchit. First round’s on you,’ answered Scrooge.



Govt. to crack down on tax-evading Christmas freebies


The government has decided that this year, tax inspectors will follow Santa Claus and assess the value each present delivered before imposing appropriate VAT and import duty on it.  The inspectors will also measure the distance covered by Santa's sleigh and calculate the mileage charge payable.


This is before visiting Santa's workshop and checking the elves' timesheets and wage slips before imposing the correct employer's NI and pension contributions.  Officials will also check the working conditions (including working hours, workplace temperatures, hygiene conditions and health-and-safety situation), imposing appropriate fines and other financial penalties where there are any deficiencies.


Amazon are reported to be considering making a bid for the takeover of the entire Santa Claus enterprise, after the CEO, Mr Claus, was overheard saying 'Oh, bollosck to all this.  I may as well not exist!'


(A merry Christmas to all our readers.  Ho ho flippin' ho.)




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