World's first gravy shop opens in Oldham

'Gravy Status' is believed to be the first outlet in the world serving pure gravy to gravyholics.

'We are thrilled to offer our delicious, warming drinks to customers who have been dreaming of this their whole lives,' said owner, Eric Bisto. 'There is an alternate universe where there are gravy chains everywhere, because tea and coffee wasn't invented.

'But really, everyone knows deep down that gravy is superior, tastier and more satisfying. Who doesn't want to sit on a cube stool at a table not really shaped like a boat supping this fine beverage? 'Your new favourite meeting place will be your local Gafé.

'Our customers can count on our stock levels, and we offer them a very special flourish at the end. At the bottom of every bill, we give you a lovely little OXO.'

Image: WixAI

Reform plans to scrap films with subtitles

Reform UK has announced it would abolish foreign films with subtitles, especially Welsh, if the party wins the next election.

Under the plans, films would only be shown if they can easily understood by the majority English speaking community. Foreign films would need to apply for a license; would only be shown in specialist cinemas; and would have new censor rating of 'F'. Reform has also said it plans to bar any British citizens from accessing the subtitled films with a view to phasing out Welsh and other indigenous languages, as early as possible. The party claims their plans would increase Britishness and adherence to British values by over 200%.

Chancellor Rachel Reeves said the suggested measures 'might be a good or a bad idea' and the government were already looking at restricting access for Foreign films, or allowing everyone access to everything.

Image: Myke Simon (@myke_simon) | Unsplash Photo Community

Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

'Stress and depression during pregnancy can negatively impact on the foetus' said Dr Jane Jones of the New England College of Actual Medicine As Opposed To Speculative Bullshit, 'and there is no surer route to stress and depression than hearing Trump speak and realising this is one of the most powerful people in the world.'

Medical authorities later amended the advice to add that Trump should not be listened to by non-pregnant women, or by men, or indeed anyone ever. They also recommended 'relocating out of the USA to somewhere far away where you'll never hear about him, I don't know, somewhere remote like Greenland.'

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