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'Cats are over-represented in British adverts' claims Daily Mail


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British adverts contain too many cats,' claims the Daily Mail today.  'Despite cats only living in fewer than 30% of British households, they appear in over 90% of adverts.  While we would expect them to appear in cat food adverts, they appear in practically every advert selling everything from furniture to carpets to sanitary products.  About the only product cats don't seem to appear in is adverts for household insurance.  Dogs seem to have the upper paw there,' the article ranted.


'Even dog food adverts have bloody cats in,' screamed Conservative MP Robert Jenrick, pointing to his recent stay in Birmingham where the Midlands ITV channel on his Premier Inn hotel TV apparently showed adverts that only included cats.  The claim is disputed, Birmingham residents claim cats are a minority on their adverts, albeit a sizeable one.


'Cats are always shown as nice, fluffy and benign,' continued the article, 'never hissing, and crapping in your garden.  Everyone I know has cat crap in their garden,' it says.  The Daily Mail is starting a new campaign 'stop the cats'.


A Reform spokesman said the campaign doesn't go far enough.  'Cats aren't indigenous to the UK. When Reform are elected our first priority will be to deport all the cats, immediately,' he said.  Labour condemned the Daily Mail campaign and branded the Reform policy 'typical dog whistle politics'.

'Arse in a sling' to feature in Corporate edition of St John's Ambulance manual


Triangular bandages have long been the staple of first aiders trained by St John's Ambulance personnel.  Doughnuts wound out of calico sheets are used to protect items projecting from the body, disappointingly usually depicted as the chest or upper arm, rarely the anus.  A carefully tied sling around the neck tied up with a half hitch and a granny is used to support broken arms and a figure of eight wrapped around the neck, previously used to keep broken clavicles from grinding but more frequently used to intimidate first-time first-aiders in an embarrassing initiation ceremony are the main uses for the versatile fabric sheet.


Management personnel, who are unlikely to want to splint a broken arm, elevate a limb or provide CPR (Company Public Relations, apparently) have requested an abridged version of the manual to include who to shout at in an emergency and how to actually put an arse in a sling.


'It's a complicated manoeuvre,' suggested a senior first-aider today.  'We recommend the management learn the more specialised techniques such as putting a leg in a sling first, then progressing to hand to wallet techniques,' he said.  A senior manager dismissed the suggestion that the technique could prove challenging.  'I've been covering my arse for decades, that's why I'm where I am today.  That and Daddy, of course.' 




All Nobel Peace Prizes are ironic


The award will now go to anyone who has genocidal intent, a secret lair and is being operated by the CIA like a meat puppet. If anything Donald Trump is too ethical for a nomination, given that he's evil by accidental stupidity rather than conscious planning.


Previous recipients include mass murderers and the guy who dropped more bombs than a Netflix show runner. To qualify you must have henchmen, facial scarring and a faintly European accent. Maniacal laughter is optional.


Actual peace activists are now designated terrorists. And actual terrorists are called statesmen. Peace is War. Up is down. And Netanyahu is definitely not lying.




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