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World relaxes now they realise Trump wants Iceland


Despite confusion at Davos during Trump's speech, where people thought he had lost his mind and confused Greenland with Iceland due to the amount of frozen snow in Greenland, analysts now understand that the President was pitching for the US to buy out a major frozen food chain instead.


'It's true the President is prepared to send troops into Iceland HQ in Deeside, north Wales if necessary, but in reality he just wants to buy the chain and launch it in the US,' said White House spokesperson Caroline Leavitalone.  'And he's coming for Timpsons next,' she said.  A Timpsons spokesman said, 'cobblers'.




Cheating increases during Wacky Races


Cheating has soared rise by 100 percent on the famous driving competition as competitors turn to giant boulders and ACME bombs to gain an advantage.


According to freedom of information data from Hanna-Barbera Productions, many cases involve Dick Dastardly and Muttley.  Sometimes he disguises himself as the Abominable Snowman or a gorilla, uses giant elastic bands, illusionary rivers or anvils.  


Professor Pat Pending, of The Flintstone University, warned of the dangers of these actions, "It means that there will be more accidents, collisions, damage to the cars,  damage to human beings and, in some cases, bears" .


Industry leaders blamed the increase on Dastardly and Muttley's desperation to win, while the DVSA blamed the apparent general rise in cheating on improved detection due to the fact that "every attempt to cheat was witnessed by thousands of children all over the country" (Source BARB).


Dastardly's usual race strategy revolves around using his car's great speed to get ahead of the other racers, and then setting a trap to stop them. If he just concentrated on driving he would win every race.




"But you're already king of Greenland," Denmark tells Trump


"You don't need to put any tariffs on us or our neighbours," Danish foreign minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen told President Trump at a ceremony in the Oval Office, "because we've all made you Lord High King of Greenland."


With a smirk on his face, he formally handed the president a paper crown and a plastic badge with the words "Bigly Greenland Boss" on it, while half a dozen other European politicians applauded, sniggering, in the background.


"I'm really a king?" asked Trump, his eyes wide in ecstasy. "And I can tax my vassals?"


"Sure you are," replied Rasmussen, shoving a toilet brush into hands.


"Here's your Majesty's sceptre. And here's a year's tribute from your loving Greenland subjects," he added, handing Trump a wad of Monopoly money.


"Now I want to nuke Mexico," demanded the president, turning to a line of generals. "Can I do that?"


"Sure you can," replied one of them, nudging a colleague and giving him a wink. "Just press that red, plasticine button on your desk. There, you see? It's done."


"I'm the first ever US president to be Greenland king and I've just zapped 100 million Mexicans!" gloated Trump, climbing up onto his high chair throne. "People will remember me for ever for that!"


"Oh, you'll be remembered, all right," everyone in the room exclaimed in unison.




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