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ITV unveils "Reform Island" as hot new reality show


"Our plan is to round up every Reform MP and local councillor, plus every other turncoat, defector and political has-been who has crawled into their ranks," said an ITV spokes-cathode tube, "and maroon them on an island to live in their natural environment. 


"Here, there'll no political policy considered too despicable, or any act of treachery considered too vile. Journalists will be frog-marched into a never-ending press conference with Nigel Farage and the first one to stop taking notes will be shot where he sits.


"Rule One on Reform Island is that Nigel never, ever stops getting attention.  


"Unlike Love Island, it won't be set on a lovely tropical island with palm trees and beaches," said the spokes-Kalashnikov. "but on one of those really grim, sodden outcrops in the Thames Estuary. 


"So why do we think this show will get top ratings? Simply because, like Love Island, everyone will be watching to see who amongst these treacherous cads gets to screw who."




The Continuing Adventures of Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor


Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor printed out a statement from his shiny metal ass:


Greetings fleshy humans. I am Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor and I'm going to need your clothes, your boots and your far right partiy leaderships. I'm taking out the trash, the trash being the Conservative Party.


I'm what happens if you take a pasty generic white man and exponentially increase both the whiteness and the pastyness. Is my face slightly too moist? I'll never tell.


In my lust for glory, I will be painting over Nigel Farage. Yes, I'm making plans, I'm only making plans for Nigel. Let's just say that I might sweep the floor so clean it's dangerously slippery, but I forget to put out a 'Danger' sign up. That's the kind of killer instinct of the man who lost a leadership contest to Kemi 'Charisma' Badenoch.


Reform the Tories? Reform are the Tories

Scouts told they should have read the small print, before they signed up


The government is to announce new powers making it easier to mobilise tens of thousands of paramilitary personnel to prepare for war.


Under the terms of being accepted as a Scout, recruits had to swear they would follow the Scout’s duty before anything else, even though he gives up pleasuring himself, or comfort, or safety to do it.


Legally, a spoken agreement has the same value in law, as a written contract.


Whilst it isn’t expected at this stage that Scouts will be given weapons, or get to drive tanks, it’s thought they could take pressure off front-line troops by polishing their boots and topping up the officers’ glasses in the mess.


They will be told that so long as they behave themselves, a career in teaching awaits them at the end of their military service, where they can use the skills they were taught, i.e. how to shout and bully people smaller than them, as happened when ex-conscripts became teachers in the 60s.

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