Stiff response to penis injection scandal

Comedy writers around the world have lodged a formal complaint with the International Olympic Committee comedy(IOC) over stories about hyaluronic acid allegedly being injected into ski jumpers’ penises to give them extra elevation.

“How are we meant to compete with that?” said a spokesmirthson. “That is already funny. You can’t add anything to it. It’s not fair. We’re just trying to do our job here.”

Hyaluronic acid is a common filler used in cosmetic surgery, including injections being used for penile girth enlargement surgery. Stop tittering at the back there. Before the start of the season ski jumpers are measured for their suit. A larger penis at the time of measuring would mean a fractionally larger ski suit which could potentially mean greater lift.

There are rumours that a member of the Austrian team who took double the recommended dose of the acid has still not come down. Meanwhile, it has emerged the acid was also used in the creation of the giant heads of Verdi, Rossini and Puccini at the opening ceremony.

The dose led to their lower appendages falling off backstage, killing one of hundreds of volunteers in the first known case of ‘penicide’.

image form pixabay

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Trump slams Shakespeare as 'meaningless word salad and garbage'

In a series of late night posts on the ironically named, Truth Social, President Trump, has turned his phenomenal brain power to William Shakespeare, branding The Bard of Avon as, 'A low IQ guy who wrote meaningless word salad and garbage.'

Commenting on Much Ado About Nothing, Trump wrote, 'Huh, he nailed it with the title.' In another petulant post he asks, 'Who the hell was this Henry guy? Seven plays about him when clearly one would’ve been plenty. He must have been the biggest narcissist in history.' His take on All’s Well That Ends Well was, “I thought that bunch of crap was never gonna end at all.”

However, unsurprisingly the great and the good of British acting have been flocking to Twitter all day to defend the accusations levelled at, as some argue, the world's greatest writer ever.

Paraphrasing Shakespeare, Sir Kenneth Branagh posted online: 'The mind boggles at depth of this man’s total ignorance – what’s more, me think he doth protest too much.' While Dame Judy Dench told reporters, 'I have only one word for Trump. It rhymes with banker.' 

However, whether you love the Bard or hate him - perhaps the last word should go to Shakey himself.

'Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.'

image from grok

Labour have had more resets than Windows Vista

The PM is demanding more time for the nation to decide if they really hate them. According to allies, Mr. Starmer is just one re-branding away from becoming popular—like Elon Musk's X. Hoping that public policy is just a Wi‑Fi router, Sir Keir thinks giving it a good kick and shake will save his arse.

Trying to reset humanity’s collective memory of anything he did in the last five years is unlikely, given his internet search history and his cheeky little genocide. A friend said. "I'm not sure clicking the ruby slippers together will get us back to Kansas. I fear that it will just send Keir to the Epstein Island, with P-Diddy and the Child Catcher."

image from pixabay