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Shock and outrage as Farage reveals secret swan meat addiction shame

Reform UK leader, Nigel Farage, today revealed that his latest tirade about migrants eating swans in Royal Parks were in fact a smokescreen for his own swan meat addiction.


"I can no longer keep it a secret", he told a hushed and visibly shocked group of reporters, "my vilification of immigrants, whilst correct in many ways, should not hide the fact that I have had a swan meat addiction for many years."


Mr Farage went on to to detail that he had started eating swan when offered it at a party by a minor Royal that he would not name. The Royal had told Farage that ingesting the swan would make him feel "more Royal and more British" and that the Queen and Prince Phillip regularly held swan meat parties that the Royal could introduce Farage to.


"I quickly found out that this was merely a ruse to get me addicted to eating swan, or 'chasing the queen's flock' as it's known amongst other addicts", said Mr Farage, "As my appetite grew, so did the demands for more and more money and favours. I wish I never met him at that Pizza Express"



Americans pray for Hurricane Imelda to hit Southern States

In a surprise move, Churches across the United States have been praying for Hurricane Imelda to make landfall and wreak destruction.


Pastor Chuck Heidelweiss Jnr of the Southern Quivering Brethren explained, "A devastating hurricane would cause evil people with guns to remain at home, rather than terrorising our shopping malls, schools and churches. The devastation of a hurricane would be a God given relief from the usually litany of mass killings".


The view was surprisingly echoed by President Trump who said the community spirit invoked by a natural disaster would wipe away the shame felt by the whole nation following their golfers' feeble attempt to win back the Ryder Cup. When asked whether he was simply looking for a distraction from his embattled position regarding the Epstein files, he answered, "I cannot hear your nasty question, because it is too windy".



Man actually looking forward to Starmer’s speech

It was revealed today that a man is genuinely looking forward to Sir Keir Starmer’s party conference speech this afternoon.


Colin Sawdust of Oswestry already has a blank tape in his VHS (he doesn’t hold with these modern DVD players) to record the speech, which he expects to find very moving.


“I just love the way he combines a sober, realistic and wide-ranging analysis of the problems Britain faces in the medium term, with a reasonable and measured series of proposals designed to address those problems. Ooh, I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it...


“I especially like when he pauses after what he thinks is a brilliant rhetorical flourish, and there’s an awkward silence followed by polite golf applause when people realise they were meant to clap.”


Sawdust, who is Deputy Head of Acquisitions at Oswestry’s Museum of Gravel, says that boring people like himself are often underestimated.


”For example, I suspect I got this job mostly because the people who interviewed me felt bad about falling asleep while I was talking.”



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