Satan to give up his titles over Epstein connections

The Prince of Darkness is giving up his titles, including the Mammon Demon of Greed, following 'discussion with the King.'

In a statement, The Former Angel of the Abyss said that the 'continued accusations about me distract from the work of stealing, killing and destroying.'

Beelzebub will remain a prince, but will cease to be The Lord of the Flies, as well as giving up membership of a group of demons known as Legion, the oldest and most senior order of the underworld.

Lucifer has been under growing pressure over his links with the late sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, who was quite frankly even more evil and therefore more deserving of the titles.

In the statement, the Serpent said: 'I vigorously deny the accusations that I have done anything right. I am just as bad as him, and haven't ever done anything good with my life.'

Image credit: perchance.org

Prince Andrew to stand back, again

I have decided to stand back from using certain titles, so henceforth I and the press won't be using 'Randy Andy' anymore. 'His former Royal Highness Randy Andy' is included.

I am also ditching my remaining Royal patronages including Pizza Express. My Royal endorsement for Sure deodorant will remain as a necessity as I have, thankfully,learned how to sweat again.

I will renounce my attendance at Christmas lunch with the King and will be tucking in at the Hungry Horse in Windsor this year, as long as the sponsorship contract arrives.

Aston Villa has the right to defend itself?

Controversy surrounds the banning of Maccabi Tel Aviv fans, who had provoked outrage by demanding VAR goal line technology extend from the river to the sea.

Villa justified their actions saying Birmingham was their ancestral home and that God had promised them a European Cup 3,000 years ago. Villa further claimed Maccabi fans were a terrorist threat and had previously rejected 2-2 solution.

'What next?' complained one Maccabi hooligan. 'Our full surrender, the destruction of our stadium and Tony Blair becoming our new Manager?'