Tories set out their new pollicies

The Tories got a lot of media attention for their misspelled chocolate bars with 'Britian' written on them at last week's party conference..

Keen to cappitalize on this, and to secure more meeja attention, the Tories are publicising their misdirected policies with misspelled press releases.

The top pollicies are:

Abbolishing stamp duty on houses, to help the ritch

Stopping asilum seakers

Abbolishing the sentencing council, and the spelling counsel

Leaving CHER

Raising standards in educayshun

A spokeswonk denied that the party was deliberately misspelling things in order to attract Reform voters.

photo by https://unsplash.com/@sandym10

Disney greenlights new film - Lady and the Trump

Disney announced today it had given the go-ahead to a new film, Lady and the Trump.

The film tells the story of a nice, well brought up young lady from Slovenia, in what was then Yugoslavia, who moves to New York and falls in with some rougher types.

Chief among these is a scruffy, streetwise urchin known as “the Trump”, who gets by on nothing but his own wits and the billions his dad left him.

Soon, she needs a Green Card… sorry, I mean they fall in love, and she accepts his proposal of marriage. This leads to some excruciating photo ops in which she seems to have nothing but indifference and contempt for him.

A famous scene shows them both eating the same strand of spaghetti, only for her to find he’s no longer at the other end because he’s off banging a porn star.

Still, at least his money makes it easier to silence journalists who would otherwise write about how the model agency she once worked for was known for “lending” its models to rich clients for the weekend.

'Cats are over-represented in British adverts' claims Daily Mail

'

British adverts contain too many cats,' claims the Daily Mail today.  'Despite cats only living in fewer than 30% of British households, they appear in over 90% of adverts.  While we would expect them to appear in cat food adverts, they appear in practically every advert selling everything from furniture to carpets to sanitary products.  About the only product cats don't seem to appear in is adverts for household insurance.  Dogs seem to have the upper paw there,' the article ranted.

'Even dog food adverts have bloody cats in,' screamed Conservative MP Robert Jenrick, pointing to his recent stay in Birmingham where the Midlands ITV channel on his Premier Inn hotel TV apparently showed adverts that only included cats.  The claim is disputed, Birmingham residents claim cats are a minority on their adverts, albeit a sizeable one.

'Cats are always shown as nice, fluffy and benign,' continued the article, 'never hissing, and crapping in your garden.  Everyone I know has cat crap in their garden,' it says.  The Daily Mail is starting a new campaign 'stop the cats'.

A Reform spokesman said the campaign doesn't go far enough.  'Cats aren't indigenous to the UK. When Reform are elected our first priority will be to deport all the cats, immediately,' he said.  Labour condemned the Daily Mail campaign and branded the Reform policy 'typical dog whistle politics'.