Trump secures deal of Bone Saws to Saudi Arabia worth $300

With fly-bys, gun salutes and massive corruption, the so called US administration welcomed Mohammed bin Salman into the Oval Sales Office.

The full range of bone cutting equipment was laid out on the Resolute Desk on cheap gold plinths. The Saudi officials were particularly interested in the compact, fold away travel version with torch attachment, ideal for working in darkened back rooms of consulates.

His Majesty felt obliged to show interest in the powered reciprocating saws. These had toughened blades that oscillate at 12,000 strokes per minute. More than Trump in beauty pageant changing room.

Trump was very happy to talk in length about the best deal, the most best deal ever on surgical equipment, the likes of which no one had ever seen before, before he started to insult the press.

When one tried to ask about human rights, the prince was heard to mutter “You chop up one journalist...”

MP angry at spy offering bribe, not the actual bribe

The House of Commons has rebuked China for offering them pretend sex and money instead of legitimate sex and money. Said one Minister. 'If I'm going to be embroiled in a scandal, I don't want it be a fake sex trafficked teenager, I want the real thing.'

MI5 warned that politicians could be coerced into giving away the nation's secrets, instead of selling them off to the first lobbyist they see. 'China has muddied the waters, by corrupting our already corrupt MPs, meaning our politicians might actually get into trouble.'

A Minister said. 'These bribes are outrageous. And so small!'

Spectacular Irony fail as resale sites fume over clampdown on their grossly inflated ticket prices

The irony that concert ticket resale sites claim a plan to force them to sell at face value will drive fans to buy from unscrupulous sources at inflated prices, has stunned almost no one.

Eric Spivly, spokesman for the some say exploitative and seedy industry association said: 'It's crazy. If this is passed it means soon we'll be no longer able to fleece the public legally. The days of striping gullible mugs £6,000 for Adele, Swifty or other big acts' shows will be gone. How are our directors going to maintain millionaire lifestyles then? Penthouses and boats in Monte Carlo don't pay for themselves you know. 

'It's the public I feel sorry for,' added Spivly, with not even a hint of sanctimony. 'If they can't buy tickets off us at eyewatering prices after our bots have hoovered them all up minutes after release, it will see the true fans having to go to independent operators outside the venues just like the bad old days. Sometimes these unlicenced chancers have been known to charge up to £250.'

When reporters asked Spivly if he'd ever heard the word "irony" before, he replied, 'Stop changing the subject. I know nothing about scrap metal.'

Photo by pippen on Unsplash