Hanging chads and an ear miss

The Milky Way

Vega Edition

Sunday, 8th August 2027

still only V$35,000

We lament the passing of our near neighbours of Earth. It is by fine margins that civilisations fall and worlds collapse. Not so much a democratic planet, as one ruled in part by a leader of their 'free' world, yet elected by only one nation of many.

In the Earth Year 2000, a vote recount in the State of Florida saw great debate over whether hanging, fat, and pregnant 'chads' should be counted on punched ballot cards. Dubious inconsistency in that thinking, coupled with dubious inconsistency in what amounts to a 'popular vote', allowed a candidate by the name of Bush to slip past another called Gore into the Presidency of America by the narrowest of margins. The outcome was that a 'drill it 'n pump it' mentality to their planetary rock prevailed, rather than a 'let's look after our only home' attitude.

24 Earth Years later, a bullet grazed the ear of a reckless destroyer and the fate of humans was sealed. Indeed, the disappearance of all life turned the once blue-green globe to the orange-brown ball of fire we gaze upon this night with great pity.

Such beauty lost to such ugly mismanagement. RIP, dear Earth.

Picture credit: The Milky Way, Vega Editon. And Wix AI.

Are you Olympics ready?

It’s nearly here. There’s hardly any time left to prepare – so act fast!   You can almost taste the excitement and the indifference...

If you love the Olympics, then...

    • Learn a few useful French phrases – merde, paf, ouf, for example

    • Buy a bigger telly. Or maybe buy another telly so you can watch two things at once

    • Impress friends by learning all the different cycling events

    • Add lots of snacks and fizzy drinks to your online shopping order

    • Order doughnuts, so you can make your own high-calorie tribute to the Olympic rings

 • Get loads of booze in

    • Draft those ‘dicky tummy’ emails so you’re ready to tell work you’re sick

If you hate the Olympics, then...

    • Start a swear box for anyone attempting to speak in French

    • Hide the telly. Download lots of audiobooks, or get your LP collection out of the loft

    • Start drafting complaints to the BBC about how much sports presenters are paid

    • Add lots of snacks and fizzy drinks to your online shopping order

• Get loads of booze in

    • Draft those ‘dicky tummy’ emails so you’re ready to tell work you’re sick

Picture credit: Wix AI

The Greater Manchester Police travel agency

Dear happy holidaymaker,

In a first for British policing, the Greater Manchester force is offering an electrifying start to your holiday.

What would you normally be doing while waiting two hours between check-in and boarding? Drinking a cup of coffee you didn't want at Costa?

Well now, you can arrange your flight through us at Manchester's Lubyanka Airport and experience the thrill of witnessing armed police officers kicking and stamping on the heads of youths while a screeching, bossy boots WPC points a taser at your head and tells you to 'get back!'

You don't get that kind of action at Stansted or Gatwick. Well, not yet.

And Saturday nights are gala nights at Manchester Airport, with special guest Charlotte Dujardin, CBE, whipping holidaymakers repeatedly around the departure hall while shouting: 'These are sh** at hitting hard.'

Booking your holiday flight through Greater Manchester Police will make you extra happy to get the hell out of the UK - to somewhere quite nice like Sweden or Switzerland, where suspects don't get thrown to the ground by armed police and kicked repeatedly until their feet get tired.

Picture credit: Wix AI