Calculating bin day to be a post graduate qualification

With councils across the country making cuts to refuse collections across the board, it's making working out when the black bin is due to be put out difficult to anyone without a working knowledge of combinatorial mathematics.  Probability theory and Riemann diagrams help, especially when factoring in the green waste, which is on a different periodicity to the black bin, and glass, which alternates with paper, which occurs every other plastics collection.

Universities are running post graduate courses to their maths degrees, with the PGBB (Post Graduate studies in Black Bins) being the most popular, with the ABGVR (Advanced Black Green and Various Recycling) course in Council Refuse studies being a popular undergraduate option.

'Really, anyone who can work out what stuff to put in which bins correctly, to identify the various acceptable recyclable plastics and reject or set aside the specialist recycling should be able to ace either of these courses,' said Professor Jenkins of the Maths and Recycling department of York University.  'Plus, most councils now issue a four dimensional table clearly showing when to put the bins out anyway,' he added.

Concern as White House orders a world map, a blindfold and darts from Temu

'It's the geopolitical equivalent of pin the tail on the donkey' bemoaned one US general, over the high pitched sound of Donald Trump's giggling. The General sighed and gave the President a lollipop for not soiling himself

The world map - a flat Earth - was of dubious quality, with many countries known by their MAGA names and New Zealand omitted altogether. 

Russia is known as 'Our Good Friend Putin's Russia'. So is Ukraine, Belarus and everything in between Moscow and Berlin. Canada is called North USA. Mexico is South USA, Spain is Old Mexico, Venezuela is Oil USA. Greenland is green, whilst Epstein Island is redacted. Togo is how the President likes his McDonald's order and the UK is called Airstrip One.

A statement from the New Zealand government said 'He doesn't know we exist. Sssssshh.'

Photo by Nikhilesh Boppana on Unsplash

Iran asks Boris Johnson to intervene

With the Iranian regime at an inflection point, the Ayatollah has reached out to former British Prime Minister Boris Johnson for help.

'We are concerned that the insurgency will succeed, so we need to destabilise it before it is too late,' said a spokesman for the regime.  'The last time Boris intervened he resulted in the arrest of a British subject who was on the cusp of being allowed home.  That's the kind of incompetence we require.  We are begging Mr Johnson to interfere with the insurgents, advise them what to say and do and hopefully this will be over in a couple of days with thousands of insurgents safely in jail, just how we like it,' he added.

A spokesman for Mr Johnson said the request was an abomination and a terrible idea.  'Did they mention how much?' he asked.