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Disney greenlights new film - Lady and the Trump


Disney announced today it had given the go-ahead to a new film, Lady and the Trump.


The film tells the story of a nice, well brought up young lady from Slovenia, in what was then Yugoslavia, who moves to New York and falls in with some rougher types.


Chief among these is a scruffy, streetwise urchin known as “the Trump”, who gets by on nothing but his own wits and the billions his dad left him.


Soon, she needs a Green Card… sorry, I mean they fall in love, and she accepts his proposal of marriage. This leads to some excruciating photo ops in which she seems to have nothing but indifference and contempt for him.


A famous scene shows them both eating the same strand of spaghetti, only for her to find he’s no longer at the other end because he’s off banging a porn star.


Still, at least his money makes it easier to silence journalists who would otherwise write about how the model agency she once worked for was known for “lending” its models to rich clients for the weekend.

'Cats are over-represented in British adverts' claims Daily Mail


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British adverts contain too many cats,' claims the Daily Mail today.  'Despite cats only living in fewer than 30% of British households, they appear in over 90% of adverts.  While we would expect them to appear in cat food adverts, they appear in practically every advert selling everything from furniture to carpets to sanitary products.  About the only product cats don't seem to appear in is adverts for household insurance.  Dogs seem to have the upper paw there,' the article ranted.


'Even dog food adverts have bloody cats in,' screamed Conservative MP Robert Jenrick, pointing to his recent stay in Birmingham where the Midlands ITV channel on his Premier Inn hotel TV apparently showed adverts that only included cats.  The claim is disputed, Birmingham residents claim cats are a minority on their adverts, albeit a sizeable one.


'Cats are always shown as nice, fluffy and benign,' continued the article, 'never hissing, and crapping in your garden.  Everyone I know has cat crap in their garden,' it says.  The Daily Mail is starting a new campaign 'stop the cats'.


A Reform spokesman said the campaign doesn't go far enough.  'Cats aren't indigenous to the UK. When Reform are elected our first priority will be to deport all the cats, immediately,' he said.  Labour condemned the Daily Mail campaign and branded the Reform policy 'typical dog whistle politics'.

'Arse in a sling' to feature in Corporate edition of St John's Ambulance manual


Triangular bandages have long been the staple of first aiders trained by St John's Ambulance personnel.  Doughnuts wound out of calico sheets are used to protect items projecting from the body, disappointingly usually depicted as the chest or upper arm, rarely the anus.  A carefully tied sling around the neck tied up with a half hitch and a granny is used to support broken arms and a figure of eight wrapped around the neck, previously used to keep broken clavicles from grinding but more frequently used to intimidate first-time first-aiders in an embarrassing initiation ceremony are the main uses for the versatile fabric sheet.


Management personnel, who are unlikely to want to splint a broken arm, elevate a limb or provide CPR (Company Public Relations, apparently) have requested an abridged version of the manual to include who to shout at in an emergency and how to actually put an arse in a sling.


'It's a complicated manoeuvre,' suggested a senior first-aider today.  'We recommend the management learn the more specialised techniques such as putting a leg in a sling first, then progressing to hand to wallet techniques,' he said.  A senior manager dismissed the suggestion that the technique could prove challenging.  'I've been covering my arse for decades, that's why I'm where I am today.  That and Daddy, of course.' 




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