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Retired Colonel hides erection with copy of Daily Telegraph as Nigella joins Bake Off


A BBC spokes-cake said 'Prue Leith has defected, presumably to join Reform, so set your oven to gas mark phwoar, we've got Nigella Lawson as her replacement. We wanted another woman with impeccably Tory-adjacent credentials to judge what is essentially a village fete gone rogue. Nigella's contract says she must pronounce the word microwave differently in every episode. More tea, vicar?'


One retired Colonel coughed awkwardly and made a noise like an uneasy horse before braying 'Will Nigella be covering herself in lashings of butter cream every week? Whipping her meringues into stiff peaks? She makes my gingerbread snap... to attention that is. Ohhhh - nurse, it's happened again - a soggy bottom.'


He continued 'Mind you, if it came to it, I'd probably give Paul Hollywood a firm... err... handshake.'



The Tory Party rebrands as a leper colony


Following a spate of high-level defections to Reform, a senior Conservative frontbencher has said that desperate times call for desperate measures.


“At this rate, we’ll have no one left. We're not exactly falling apart but everyone hates us, and we’ve become a complete irrelevance in the political landscape.”


He confirmed the bold rebrand from political party to leper colony after external polling showed that 76% of voters were not crossing the road fast enough whenever they saw a Conservative Party member approaching.


“We’ve now issued all backbenchers with bells as a sort of early-warning system, so the electorate has full transparency about where that vile, unexplained smell is coming from and it will speed up the entire crossing the road process."


Nigel Farage welcomed the news, saying it was time the Tories “came clean about being unclean."


Regulars at one Oxford JD Weatherspoon demand early breakfasts are banned



An Oxfordshire JD Weatherspoons is coming under pressure from its early morning customers to ban cooked breakfasts. They say the smell is interfering with their appreciation of fine wines on the drinks list.


Ron Miller, a regular customer of The Disingenuous Proprietor, said, 'We have an informal wine appreciation society here and meet at opening time seven days a week to sample the delights of the wines on offer. But in recent months we've noticed the bouquet of what we've tried is being corrupted by the nasty niff of sausages, bacon and eggs.


'So we've spoken to the sommelier, aka Big Nev the barman, and asked if he'd take our complaint up with chain owner, Tim Martin. I mean, we've yet to see one breakfast being eaten. Yet the stench of burnt oil is awful. Just last week Nev had a case of Buckfast 2009 in and we were full of anticipation to sample it, but the smell of fried grub ruined what should have been a highlight for us.


'If our plea falls on deaf ears we might have to resort to what we did before this place opened,' Ron said. When asked what that was he explained, 'Reconvene on the benches at the duckpond in the park.'



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