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'Moyder' tops charts of favourite words to try saying out loud this Christmas


Has the conversation gone stilton at the Christmas dinner table? As dry as that turkey? Just go round trying to say these words out loud while you all get totally smashed. It's as contagious as herpes and more addictive than gambling-cocaine.


moyder


- If you're thinking Max from Hart to Hart, then you're too old for this shit. Nope. Not a New Yok accent. Not Bwoston ether either. It's north Nuw Jorsey.


poyfect


- Is it Rosemary, the telephone operator? From Hong Kong Phooey?


foyst


- Taxi. Any of 'em, really.


cwoffee


- Janice from Friends. Finally, a character we've actually heard of. And for aficionados, Janice Litman-Goralnik (née Hosenstein). Thank you, Wikipedia.


Or the secretary from Ghostbusters who shouts out 'We got one!'


poyjoymers


- Trickier. Only give this one a whirl if you're feeling you're better at this than anyone who ever lived. And you want to sound hard in a reindeer onesie.


strip soych


- Any charming ICE agent you happen to encounter.


Happy Christmas. To your mother.



Trump's Christmas message


Greetings, earthlings. It's a great Christmas with prices lower than they were in 1925. If you got two dolls for Christmas that's plenty. No-one needs more than two dolls, except Sleepy Joe Biden and Crooked Hilary, Randy Andy and Dozy Don.


I have brought peace on earth. I've ended wars in Gaza, Crimea, Greenland, Venezuela, Brazil, LA, Chicago and Kyiv. I'm taking Greenland because we own it, just like Vlad owns the Donbas. Donbas was named after me, you know. I've named other stuff after myself, as well, to commemorate my achievements - Trump Wall, TrumpForce One, the Trump Takeaway chain, Mount TrumpMore, and Trump Steak.


Truth Social has more than fifty billion subscribers, lots more than X which only has one hundred. X is Latin for one hundred, by the way.


I've sacked or demoted thousands of Sleepy Joe's sleeper agents - judges, diplomats, air traffic controllers and military folk. I've released the Epstein files which prove my innocence . I don't know what's under those black rectangles either. I'm cleaning the stables. I'm like Shake'n'Vac - I put the freshness back.


I've deported thousands of unAmerican so-called Americans. I've created billions of jobs, mostly in the legal profession. I've issued thousands of proclamations, sorry, Executive Orders. All to give you the best Christmas ever.


My health remains untarnished, apart from one hand. My mentalness remains tippy-tip-tip-top, and my doctors say I have the heart of a 79-year old. I'm good to go. But I'm not going to go, I'm going to stay. Donald 2028. Huzzah! Merry Christmas, losers.



A Christmas Carol – Abridged version


Scrooge shook his quill, then slipped a bony finger into the ink pot, confirming that it was dry.


‘Cratchit!’ he shouted, causing young Bob to snap his head up, fear in his eyes. He realised that the ink pot was dry and Scrooge was angry.


‘I’ve been thinking,’ growled Scrooge, fixing young Bob’s stare. ‘You’re right. Let’s close up, scoot to Spoons, get shit-faced and we can pick up a turkey from Tesco on the way home for Mrs Cratchit,’ he said.


Bob relaxed. ‘And tomorrow – Christmas Day?’ he asked.


‘Don’t push it Cratchit. First round’s on you,’ answered Scrooge.



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