top of page
Search

Trump tantrum as Kiribati celebrates New Year first

'Everyone knows it's America first! We must deport 2025. Where are the Keanu Reeves Islands anyway?' read a White House statement - after it had been moved out of all caps.


'Tonga? Samoa? Blow them all up and order the extra judicial killing of any survivors left clinging to any boats. New Zealand is where Hobbits live, it isn't a real country! You can't fool The Donald, who will celebrate winning New Year in Washington DC, 3 hours before the loser Governor of California Gavin Newsom.'


'The 'J' in Donald J Trump stands for Jesus H Christ and he has taken a totally normal number of cognitive tests to prove it.'


'Only The Donald must see the New Year first, not some Diddy island. I mean, not some Epstein Island. Maybe redact this bit. Different time zones also mean that all the girls on Epstein Island were definitely 18.'



It will snow or go dark in the New Year

The Independent Meteorological Service, AKA Dave's dad, has forecast swathes of snow to cross all the important parts of the UK in the early part of January.  The parts regarded as important almost certainly include parts you might be interested in, or possibly near to parts you might be interested in.


'The snow will be ten units deep,' he said, declining to say if the units are inches or centimetres. It could be Smurfs.  It will travel south from the north, and west from the east although there is some potential variability in these directions - travel north from the south is a possibility.


Temperatures will drop to minus ten degrees, or 474 degrees Rankine for any scientists still working in old absolute money.  Unless the minus ten refers to Fahrenheit, in which case all bets are off and it probably won't even snow.


Snow is the most excitable temperature related weather item known to climate change deniers, with a ten minute snowfall in York being cited as evidence against the argument for Climate Change whereas entire ice masses in the artic melting before our eyes is 'just one of them things', said Dave's dad, urging everyone to ignore the warnings, buy a snow shovel (links below) and to buy Dave a beer next time you see him.


Dave's dad is a journalist (sic) working for the Daily Mail.



Labour celebrates bringing total w**ker back to Britain

"We've achieved the sum of sweet f*ck-all since we came into office," admitted a spokes-hieroglyph for the Labour government.


"But we have used the little that remains of Britain's diplomatic heft to ensure the return of a total w*nker called Abd al Fattah.


"This is a person who the Egyptians had kept locked up as a public service, who tweets hate speech against Jews and democracy.


"Strangely, the Prime Minister was actually proud to have secured his release.


"That's presumably because al Fattah will be living in Smethwick when he returns - or somewhere similar, a long way away from Downing Street.


"It's sort of sad," mused the spokes-scarab, "that the only power we have left in the world is persuading the Egyptians to hand over a total wanker they would have been only too pleased to part with."



bottom of page