Trump thanks Israeli Knesset for electing him President

During the conclusion of US President Donald Trump's address to the Israeli Knesset, he raised the eyebrows of more than a few by thanking them for electing him President of Israel.

'It's so nice of you all to be here today,' he told the assembled representatives, 'it was a pretty difficult campaign but I think we deserved it. Some are saying no-one has ever been president of two different countries before but we did it. I did it."

Benjamin Netanyahu seemed shell-shocked but managed to just stare ahead with a fixed grin as Mr Trump thanked him for a good fight during a difficult time.

"With all the war stuff going on, perhaps Benny was distracted a little but I would have won anyway. The Israeli people love me. And I'm not even Jewish! They said it couldn't be done but I did it."

Mr Trump then went on to make Mr Netanyahu his deputy and told the room that he would pop in in a couple of months to see how everyone was getting along but would be catching up with 'Benny' a couple of times a week, golf rounds notwithstanding.

Starmer joins hand over of the sausages

Months on from his infamous speech, Sir Keir is adamant that he did not misspeak and that Oct 7th was all about bangers- and not the bomb kind. While Hamas have agreed to release Israeli hostages, Starmer is insistent that the sausages be released first. A spokeswoman for No.10 said: 'Sir Keir has been clear from the start. No sausages. No deal. And yes, he would like some chips with it.'

'It is inconceivable to suggest he said sausages by accident, because he was cynically exploiting a massacre while thinking about breakfast. The PM has always backed the bratwurst. He condemns Hamas, who are probably all vegan anyway.'

'He remembers clearly a string of sausages and being chased by a crocodile. The audience were shouting at him. His wife, Mrs Judy, hit him with a stick and-hold on...yup...yup...it was a dream. Sorry, as you were.'

Tories set out their new pollicies

The Tories got a lot of media attention for their misspelled chocolate bars with 'Britian' written on them at last week's party conference..

Keen to cappitalize on this, and to secure more meeja attention, the Tories are publicising their misdirected policies with misspelled press releases.

The top pollicies are:

Abbolishing stamp duty on houses, to help the ritch

Stopping asilum seakers

Abbolishing the sentencing council, and the spelling counsel

Leaving CHER

Raising standards in educayshun

A spokeswonk denied that the party was deliberately misspelling things in order to attract Reform voters.

photo by https://unsplash.com/@sandym10