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Flat earther flown into space, now claims his eyes are in on the hoax

Gary Newbold, 27, was the first flat earther sent into space, in a bid by the government to combat conspiracy theorists by exposing them to undeniable visual evidence.


The Government's plan backfired spectacularly after Gary returned to Earth adamant that the Earth was flat, and therefore his eyes must be in on the hoax. Mr Newbold said ‘I was taught to never trust your eyes. I mean - where do they go at night, have you ever thought about that?’


Gary rubbished claims that he is a conspiracy theorist, asserting, ‘I just learned to always question things from Joe Rogan, I mean why would you just believe the experts, what do they know?’


After noticing his eyes were globe shaped just like in the fake round Earth theory, Gary removed both of his eyes with a spork, declaring that the evidence irrefutably showed his eyes were inside agents.


He claims he can now see better than ever, thanks to Joe Rogan awakening his 3rd eye. Despite his 3rd eye Gary remains house bound after dismissing his guide dog, upon learning it had been trained.



New feminist play “I f*cking hate men, they’re so misogynist” opens

A new play by feminist firebrand Boudicca Screech opened last night at The Reclaimed Industrial Space in fashionable east London.


Ambiguously entitled “I f*cking hate men, they’re so misogynist”, the play tells the story of how men are and have always been complete and irredeemable bastards. And what’s worse, they’re sometimes guilty of misogyny.


In a fawning interview in the Guardian, Screech said she was inspired to write the play by listening to a podcast by a male influencer in which he spoke slightingly about women, seeming to view them only as sexual objects rather than full human beings. “And I realised I had to counter this hate by calling for all men to be murdered.”


The play ends with a scene in which the heroine Gloriana, thought to be a thinly disguised portrait of Screech herself, manages to rid the world of men, only to starve to death because she can’t get the lid off a jar.



Mermaids ‘a massive disappointment’ says marine biologist

Andrew Scott PhD has been fascinated by marine biology since seeing Daryl Hannah play a mermaid in Splash.


‘I never had much luck with girls. None of the science kids did. Daryl Hannah was significantly more attractive than any girl I could feasibly pull, but casting her as a mermaid made her seem . . . attainable, I suppose. Like a refugee or a single mum. Needy.


‘I immediately applied to study marine biology. Wish I’d gone for refugee studies now. Is that a thing? If they’d just advertised a degree in Meeting Women I could have gone for that and been happy, but instead I spent the next 20 years getting seasick and watching out for mermaids.


‘Anyway, long story short – they’re pretty, but if you’re hoping to lose your . . . how can I put this . . . upper half excellent, lower – no, that makes me sound shallow. They don’t have all the bits. Plus they smell of fish. I could cope with the aroma, but . . . oh god, there’s no good way to say this, is there? There’s nowhere to put your wingwang.'


We tried to verify Dr Scott’s account with other marine biologists, but most have transferred to Refugee Studies and declined to comment.



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