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Maybe Greenlanders were the friends we made along the way


In a heart warming end to NATO, the US revealed it had grown emotionally-but also territorially. Trump said. 'The true reward of a quest—is not the achievement itself, but the large mineral deposits in your soul.'


He admitted that the Greenlanders had melted his heart and coincidentally melted their tundra to reveal prime real estate. You can not put a price on friendship he said, but you can put a price on acreage.


He told the Greenlanders they always had the power to return home, it just so happens that home is Kansas. 'Friends are just people who haven't got to know you yet.'




Oh My Godthåb: Greenland renamed the Golf of America


Godthåb is the former name of Greenland's capital, which has not had this much publicity since Kristen Wiig sang Space Oddity to an empty pub as Walter Mitty dived into a chopper with a plastered pilot.


As the increasingly sane, decent and rational President Trump plans to invade it because penguins manufacture oil out of polar bears, Senators considered whether passing a law clarifying that America cannot occupy a NATO territory would make any difference.


No. No it did not. A press statement from the White House briefing ballroom made it perfectly clear: 'Arctic foxes from Greenland are smuggling fentanyl inside their rectums, swimming over to our great country and killing Americans. So we're gonna do something about that. From tomorrow, we will start kicking fox ass with bunker busters.


'Get ready to put another star on our flag. The 51st State will be Greenland, a place which clearly lends itself so well to putting, we will rename it The Golf of America.


'At this time, we ask that no one say out loud what they now call their capital. Nuuk is triggering for the President, and... f**ing sh*tf**k, I just said it, didn't I?'




ITV unveils "Reform Island" as hot new reality show


"Our plan is to round up every Reform MP and local councillor, plus every other turncoat, defector and political has-been who has crawled into their ranks," said an ITV spokes-cathode tube, "and maroon them on an island to live in their natural environment. 


"Here, there'll no political policy considered too despicable, or any act of treachery considered too vile. Journalists will be frog-marched into a never-ending press conference with Nigel Farage and the first one to stop taking notes will be shot where he sits.


"Rule One on Reform Island is that Nigel never, ever stops getting attention.  


"Unlike Love Island, it won't be set on a lovely tropical island with palm trees and beaches," said the spokes-Kalashnikov. "but on one of those really grim, sodden outcrops in the Thames Estuary. 


"So why do we think this show will get top ratings? Simply because, like Love Island, everyone will be watching to see who amongst these treacherous cads gets to screw who."




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