top of page
Search

French and British forces seize snake oil tanker Board of Peace


French armed forces, aided by the Royal Navy, have captured the snake oil tanker Board of Peace while it was sinking in the mid-Atlantic.


"The Board of Peace had been sailing under a false flag," explained Jacques Croissant, captain of the frigate Grenouille

"It had been registered by the US president as an organisation to rebuild Gaza but was secretly designed to replace the United Nations.


"Monsieur Trump had managed to sign up the leaders of the world's most vile dictatorships, like Russia and Belarus. They didn't give a damn about Gaza, but clearly hated the UN just as much as Trump does and wanted it gone. The Board of Peace started to founder when other nations saw through the plot."


"I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for you pesky Frogs," snarled the demented skipper of the Board of Peace, Donald Trump.


"And if you weren't such a bunch of snowflake liberals, you'd hang him from the yard arm," squawked a parrot on Trump's shoulder called JD Vance.


It is thought the SS Board of Peace had been returning to its home port of Mar-a-Lago from Davos, where Captain Trump had just delivered a speech to the World Economic Forum containing 50,000 tons of high-octane snake oil and bilge.




Trump thwarted in his attempt to end a ninth war


Another day and another mind bogglingly extraordinary claim as Donald Trump tells the world he was snubbed at yesterdays leaders' meeting in Switzerland.


Speaking to reporters he said, 'I travelled all the way from the US to meet this Davros guy. I wanted do a deal with him to end the longstanding war between the Dalek Empire and Earth as my ninth great success. You know, I've ended eight wars already. They said, Mister Trump. No, no. no. It can't be done. But I did it. All eight of them. TRUE.


'And you know what?  The goddamn schmuck didn't even have the nerve to show up. Wow, that Davros is a bad guy. Not a nice guy... not nice at all.'




Trump to cap the price of eggs


The US President is finally spending some time on domestic issues, aiming to placate his MAGA base, who are concerned about living costs.


After shocking bankers by capping credit card interest, the President has moved on to other cost of living issues.


The latest initiative is to cap prices on things that MAGA supporters regard as essentials.  This includes eggs, which Trump voters prefer scrambled.  The price of eggs will be capped at five dollars a dozen, which will make egg production in the US uneconomic.  Importing eggs is not an option as they are subject to tariffs of10%4%22%50%200%33% at the time of writing.  However, if you can actually find any to buy, then they will be a bargain.


Donald Trump is also expected to sign Executive Orders to cap the prices of Big Macs, bullets, rifles, baseball caps (excepting those with political slogans), bumper stickers, all clothes larger than 2XL, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, Jello, golf clubs, peanut butter, fake tan, Cheetos, American flags, American (but not Mexican) beers, after-sun cream (soothes red necks), blueberry muffins, Dr. Pepper, jogging pants, pretzels, pop-tarts, cable TV, pick-up trucks, Twinkies, microwaveable cheese, weight-loss drugs, lottery tickets, and barbed wire.


Economists are shaking their heads sadly, but are also looking forward to tucking in to some cheap chow. They predict that these price controls could reduce US inflation to around 1%, although the collateral damage could be the closure of thousands of American businesses and the loss of up to a million jobs.  Donald Trump has welcomed these predictions, describing them as ‘a price worth paying.'




bottom of page