Two billion on Tommy Robinson march - numbers swelled by migrants

Official auditors for the Tommy Robinson march on Saturday, accountants Yaxley, Lennon and McCartney have confirmed the numbers and claim the higher than expected turnout is due to immigrants, particularly those arriving on small boats.

Border Control confirms the increase in irregular migrants arriving in the past week.  'They've been making a bee-line for London, claiming they're here just for Tommeh.  They're no trouble, just enjoying the vibe,' said a spokesman.  'I expect they'll be leaving later in the week with their London souvenirs and St George flags.  They like to take them back to Syria as George was a local, wasn't he?' he added.

hat tip to TechGuy 

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Record low crime Saturday (except London)

Police forces across the UK were reporting the quietest Saturday afternoon in recent years today. Football matches passed off without any incidents, and violence and road rage was at an all time low.

"It's a mystery" said DI Dixon of Lutonshire Constabulary. "Normally we have our hands full of drunken yobs on Saturday afternoon, but today, nada. It's lovely."

However, we cannot be sure this was the story across the entire UK, as the London Metropolitan police did not answer our calls, with a recorded message describing them as "exceptionally busy right now".

Harry in Ukraine: step one of the rehabilitation plan

Charles has set Harry a target of 10,000 charitable works to secure his rehabilitation to royal life.

Every journey begins with the first step. In this case, it's Harry's visit to Ukraine. Charles said that Harry's donation to Children in Need does not count, as rehabilitation must be earned and cannot be bought. And nor should rehabilitation be filmed for Netflix or written about in trashy books.

After a long period of abstinence from the media a modest BBC documentary on BBC Four might be acceptable.

Harry is reported to be very pleased, as he now feels that he has a purpose in life, beyond transferring popcorn from big bags into little bags. He has worked out that, at the rate of two visits a day, he should be restored to the King's good books by 2039. As long as nothing else goes wrong before then...

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