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'POTUS 48 will be David Hasselhoff' confirms Russia

The People's Democratic Republic of Putin has announced that the next president of America will be Michael Knight during the week and Mitch Buchannon on Saturdays.


'This will be a government for the people, by the people, Hoff the people,' declared White House press secretary Pamela Anderson. 'And the Vice President will be a talking car.


'This is what the people of China want. There is nothing more politically intoxicating than hotties in red swimsuits with red cans standing in lifeguard towers casting sultry thousand yard stares to dramatic drumbeat soundtracks. It's the only time man-nipples work.


'Anybody who gets into trouble on a jet-ski at the weekend will be saved in slow motion by Mitch and myself personally.


'Monday to Friday, President Knight will be a lone crusader who operates above the law. And our Turbo Boost Button policies are so popular already, there is no need for anyone to vote on anything.'



UK’s whimsy reserves at a record low

A report in to the UK’s whimsey levels show that reserves are at their lowest level since the end of World War 2.


“It’s somewhat of a crisis”, said Sir Brian Peckworth, the UK’s Lead Whimsey Auditor, “I’ve never known anything like this in all my whimsical career. Over 65s whimsey is still quite strong but 17 and under are in the worst state it’s ever been. And all this for a nation that used to pride it self on its whimsey. It’s saddens me greatly.”


He noted that non-event perfume application was high in the seniors brackets but functional application of brands such as Lynx was high with youth but lacked any notable whimsey. Odd sock wearing; novelty soap and butter dishes; traditional hat wearing; everyday lapel flowers; and blowing bubbles for the over 35s have all seen a huge dip in the last 20 years sending the whimsey levels spiralling.


Mr Peckworth implored Britons to embrace their eccentricities and whimsey by buying and wearing novelty brooches and badges; sporting a diamond tipped cane; using words such as ‘forsooth’ and ‘egads!’ on an everyday basis; and generally accepting fanciful ideas into their lives such as magic, surrealism and Brexit.



Prime numbers accuse mathematicians of discrimination

Prime numbers from around the world are supporting a claim from the number 17 for the right to self-identify as an even number.  'For far too many years, we prime numbers have had to endure the stigma of being categorised as "odd"' said the number 23, spokesnumber for the World Union of Prime Numbers.  'We are Proud to be Prime, but that doesn't mean we should have to be banned from being even if we feel that that is our true identity.'


'We don't know how many other prime numbers feel the same way, but we suspect that the quantity of them could be infinite.  It may be a long, hard struggle, but we are determined to succeed.  Negative numbers, imaginary numbers - and even old-fashioned square numbers - don't necessarily need to be odd, so why should we?  We are un-divided in our determination to overturn this irrational  discrimination.'


When it was suggested that there may be a number of factors involved, the spokesnumber said 'No, not for us, there aren't.'


'We have made a start by calling for the no-platforming of reactionary, backward-thinking old-guard mathematicians who are reluctant to accept modern ways of thinking, and who persist in claiming that all prime numbers are odd.  The fascist bastards.'


In other news, the number 2 has filed to sue the World Union of Prime Numbers.



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