More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing 'increasingly concerned' about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

'Is it too much to ask?' a spokesman said. 'All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can't expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven't been any crimes committed'.

Nigel Farage is understood to be 'baffled' by the low crime figures, given the number of 'men of fighting age' he has pointed at over the years. 'What's wrong with them?' the spokesman added. 'It's almost as if they aren't terrorists after all'.

In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter 'oh, for f*ck's sake' under their breath.

Image: Wix AI

'Scientists' create an equation for the effectiveness of fake equations

News based media loves a good equation to look scientific and hide the fact it is just promotional material for a holiday company or skincare product. Our brave boffins have come up with a suitably vague equation to summarise and monetise this very situation.

Where:

x = Content Provided (in clicks/second)

y = Desperation for grant money (£ per second)

a = Willingness for scientists to be referred to as boffins (Lack-of-Shame per £)

b = Public gullibility (Gaslighting per person)

c = Slow news compensation factor (decreases exponentially after each major event)

This is classed as a Pseudo-numerical Supposition and instead of showing working, it’s show me the money.

Image: sjajolika - Pixabay

UK Gammon Index rising faster than Global Warming

UK researchers into rage hate, commonly referred to as the UK Gammon Index (UKGI), have reported it is rising faster than Global Warming, which in itself is a common driver of the UKGI whenever mentioned. 'We might be in a spiralling feedback loop,' said one researcher, adding, 'no, I don't know what that means either'.

With Poppy Rage currently overtaking the traditional rage about fireworks being set off early for Bonfire night, with the concurrent rage over whether it should be named Guy Fawkes' night adding to the mix. Christmas Rage, a relatively recent rage made worse by reference to 'the Holiday Season' is bending the UKGI gauge to breaking point.

'Monitoring UK rage just makes me mad,' said the researcher, turning bright red, banging his fist on the table and filling in an application to join Reform in crayon. Which, of course, he ate in a fit of rage.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive