Samaritans calls for an end to EastEnders

Samaritans crisis counselling service has made an urgent plea to EastEnders producers begging them to stop making the long-running soap.

A spokesman for the charity commented, ‘Recently we have been overrun with calls during transmission of the show and it’s just becoming all too much for our phone counsellors to handle.’

One call centre worker who asked for his identity not to be disclosed said: 'On sixty-three separate occasion I requested emergency services go to Beachy Head to talk down ‘jumpers’ following last Christmas Day's episode.'

So far, the BBC has yet to respond to the request.

Man bases entire personality on coffee habits

A Suffolk man has based his entire work-persona and all office social interactions on his coffee preferences, it can be revealed.

Philip Deering from Scole is either "basically unconscious until I get me morning coffee!' or 'bouncing of the freakin' walls, mate!' according to his unilaterally-imposed and relentless statements to coworkers, as well as any passing cleaning or delivery staff who will listen, which is none.

Other unsolicited and vapid bean-based announcements include "Tea's not strong enough for me!', 'Need my coffee hit!," and '"ought myself a new cafetiere with a handcrafted oak plunger!" according to weary colleagues.

'Phil's mundane and ostensibly self-depreciating "addiction" updates are actually nothing more than thinly disguised and bizarrely pitched caffeine brags, though quite whom he is trying to impress is difficult to ascertain,' laments Jenny from Accounts, fresh from her fifteen minute ordeal at the copier.

This morning I was forced to listen to a review of his latest "artisan'"baboon-picked, vanilla guano beans. Its was quite frankly the most boring and faux-middle-class thing I've ever heard - and also meant I couldn't get a word in about my new wild yoga business or our wonderful new gardener, James. Oh you must meet him, a wizard with the orchids!'

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

New Prince Philip Statue Offends From Every Angle

Unveiling his remodelling of St James's Park and tributes to Queen Elizabeth II's reign, Lord Foster also showed initial designs for a monument to the Duke of Edinburgh that, like him, promises to offend after a few minutes in its presence.

'I'm very proud of my team's efforts in designing this testament,' the three-time Stirling Prize said yesterday at the announcement. "We dug deeply into the wit and wisdom of Her Majesty's Consort and feel we've captured the essence of his spirit in the outcome.

'While there's warmth and intelligence there; as you view it in the round, there will be parts that make you cringe and others that leave you visibly upset or infuriated. That, we feel, gets to the very centre of the man and his legend. It also means when you get further into the park, you really do appreciate the wonder that was our former monarch."