The Continuing Adventures of Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor

Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor printed out a statement from his shiny metal ass:

Greetings fleshy humans. I am Robert Jenrick: Robot Janitor and I'm going to need your clothes, your boots and your far right partiy leaderships. I'm taking out the trash, the trash being the Conservative Party.

I'm what happens if you take a pasty generic white man and exponentially increase both the whiteness and the pastyness. Is my face slightly too moist? I'll never tell.

In my lust for glory, I will be painting over Nigel Farage. Yes, I'm making plans, I'm only making plans for Nigel. Let's just say that I might sweep the floor so clean it's dangerously slippery, but I forget to put out a 'Danger' sign up. That's the kind of killer instinct of the man who lost a leadership contest to Kemi 'Charisma' Badenoch.

Reform the Tories? Reform are the Tories

Scouts told they should have read the small print, before they signed up

The government is to announce new powers making it easier to mobilise tens of thousands of paramilitary personnel to prepare for war.

Under the terms of being accepted as a Scout, recruits had to swear they would follow the Scout’s duty before anything else, even though he gives up pleasuring himself, or comfort, or safety to do it.

Legally, a spoken agreement has the same value in law, as a written contract.

Whilst it isn’t expected at this stage that Scouts will be given weapons, or get to drive tanks, it’s thought they could take pressure off front-line troops by polishing their boots and topping up the officers’ glasses in the mess.

They will be told that so long as they behave themselves, a career in teaching awaits them at the end of their military service, where they can use the skills they were taught, i.e. how to shout and bully people smaller than them, as happened when ex-conscripts became teachers in the 60s.

Jenrick just missed his besties

While many are accusing Robert Jenrick of blatant opportunism, a trait almost unheard of (outside of the Tories), the truth is that he is missing his besties.  Politics is a lonely profession, especially when the politician is a c@nt, but Jenrick being Jenrick it seems he has issues with forming bonds outside of planning permission scams, allegedly.

He misses Mad Nad dearly, obviously, and who wouldn't want to meet up with Johnathan Gullis and Andrea Jenkins?  Don't be shy.  OK, consider that rhetorical.  And while you're at the bar, don't forget to buy 30p Lee a pint while he explains how anyone not on expenses can survive on a pound a week. Danny Kruger will bring the cakes, obviously, and then, with luck Liz Truss will complete the party by bringing salad components.  Hopefully they will last longer this time.

Don't berate Honest Bob, treat him with sympathy, he's been lonely on the benches.  Unloved and unwanted.  Hopefully good practise for the next few years then.