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Nationalising the railways is a Trolley Problem

The Prime Minister explained: "On one track is a well-funded service, safe and efficient. And on the other track is just $hit. A huge pile of fetid crap."


And if we pull the lever?


"What lever, there is no lever. Like I said, it's just death, greed and delays."


But what about the other track with all the nice stuff?


"Oh, that just runs parallel. It's what France and Germany get, by siphoning off all the profits from your $hit one."


He said he would be suggesting a similar Trolley Problem for the NHS, where one option is for your nan to actually have a trolley to lay on and the other has her on tarmac in the carpark.


"The important thing is for people to realise there is no lever, no option B. There is no ethical dilemma, because there are no ethics."


One voter said he couldn’t wait to pull the lever to vote for a different government. The PM chuckled: "Oh, you think there'll be a lever once I'm finished?"



US Congress to move to 2 day week

The US Congress has voted for shorter working hours.


Representatives feel that Congress is now irrelevant as the President does everything through Executive Orders, or by deploying the armed forces, or just by threatening stuff. Lawmaking is not needed any more and Congressmen and women have decided that they could use the extra time at home. Or play more golf. Or get a more productive job.


'Two days a week is fine,' said Jimmy 'The Rock' Salt (Republican, OK). 'There ain't much to do these days. Trump's doing it all from the Oval Office. Might as well be back home mowing my yard. And avoiding all the donors who got me into Congress. Cos that's embarrassing as hell. They paid all that money and I can't do squat.'


Andy Mann (Democrat, AI) agrees. 'We can't hold Trump to account. He's wrecking everything and there's nothing we can do. Hell, I'd stand as a Republican if I thought it would buy me some influence. We're in a full-on dictatorship now, worshipping the big orange god. I'm going to quit politics and start a boiler house operation to pump and dump BitCoin. It's time for me to sort out my retirement fund!'



Are Farage’s superhero duties interfering with the day job?


It’s the curse of every superhero’s life: fighting crime in secret is a full-time job. Peter Parker fell behind with his studies. Clark Kent faced the sack on a regular basis. Nigel Farage’s absences from Clacton and the House of Commons might cost him the next election. Lucky for him his job has zero penalties for goofing off.


We don’t know which crimes he’s preventing, or which damsels he’s rescuing from distress. We don’t even know what his costume looks like – presumably it’s a flag of some sort. Hammer and sickle, possibly.


What we do know is that Nigel isn’t where he’s supposed to be – which can only mean one thing. He’s fighting crime. Rescuing kittens from blazing rooftops. Fighting pitched battles with supervillains. If you need him, Nigel will be there*. Just project a silhouette of Mein Kampf into the night sky and The Incredible Sulk will be by your side.



*Offer not available in Clacton or other depressing places.



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