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Harry the Bastard to join Trump in class action libel case against BBC


In an unexpected legal move, Harry the Bastard has become a co-litigant in the libel case brought by President Trump against the BBC.


'I was libelled good and proper on the Young Ones sitcom in the eighties,' said Harry today.  'The BBC insinuated that I was an employee of Rumbelows and I've always disputed that*.  It never turned a profit and disappeared under Thatcher's watch.  Nothing to do with me.  I've never disputed being a right bastard, but working at a low-end electrical retailer, that's akin to suggesting I incited an insurrection at the White House.


'Which is why I've joined forces with President Trump, who was also misrepresented by the BBC.  They find for Trump, he wins, so I win.  They find for me, I win, so he wins.  I'm happy to split the $5Bn fifty-fifty, or whatever the Donald thinks is appropriate, but a squillionth of $5Bn is still a lot, isn't it?' he asked.


*Harry the Bastard was under manager of the Watford branch of Rumbelows until the company folded in February 1995.  He's currently employed as a vetting agent for Reform Ltd.




Net migration number of 204,000 was the same man


The government has admitted that the net migration figures are due to the same man arriving, leaving and returning, usually by small boat, sometimes on a trawler, occasionally on a barge, never by P & O as they only use third world labour at slave rates and although an illegal migrant he has his principles.


Apparently the furore earlier this year regarding a migrant deported who turned back up again twenty-four hours later wasn't an isolated case.  It was the same guy U-turning in the Channel more frequently than Rachel Reeves' budget.


To complicate matters, the man in question is from Barnsley and has been attempting to get in the Guinness Book of Records.  So far he's only achieved an entry in Ripleys Believe It Or Not annual, as nobody can believe anyone wants to come here that bad, even if they are a UK citizen.




Heathrow third runway is part of M25


Heathrow’s much discussed third runway has been given the green light and will see it sharing space with the M25. Long haul flights to the far East will now merge with motorway traffic to Hounslow and Feltham. Airplanes will have to keep two chevrons apart and the hard shoulder will be used to indicate the position of the wing tips.


The plans, passed by a narrow majority in a free vote in the House of Commons this week, have been variously described as ‘insane’ and ‘inspired’. Put together by a consortium that includes Heathrow’s owners Heathrow Airport Holdings Limited; Moto Services; and the AA and RAC, the plans include specially adapted service stations with a Fly-Thru facility and air pressure machines with extra-long cables to reach the high access points on 747s and 380s


Controversially, the consortium has also been working with Google on a fleet of pilotless airplanes, dubbed UnEasyJet.


A spokesman for the Heathrow consortium said: “We are delighted that our proposal has been accepted. This is the way forward for the airport as it comes to grips with the needs of 21st century travel. Now, at this time, we ask you to please make sure your seatbelt is securely fastened, your seat is in the upright position, and your tray table is stowed. Thank you for choosing Heathrow expansion and we wish you a pleasant flight.”






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