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Mermaids ‘a massive disappointment’ says marine biologist

Andrew Scott PhD has been fascinated by marine biology since seeing Daryl Hannah play a mermaid in Splash.


‘I never had much luck with girls. None of the science kids did. Daryl Hannah was significantly more attractive than any girl I could feasibly pull, but casting her as a mermaid made her seem . . . attainable, I suppose. Like a refugee or a single mum. Needy.


‘I immediately applied to study marine biology. Wish I’d gone for refugee studies now. Is that a thing? If they’d just advertised a degree in Meeting Women I could have gone for that and been happy, but instead I spent the next 20 years getting seasick and watching out for mermaids.


‘Anyway, long story short – they’re pretty, but if you’re hoping to lose your . . . how can I put this . . . upper half excellent, lower – no, that makes me sound shallow. They don’t have all the bits. Plus they smell of fish. I could cope with the aroma, but . . . oh god, there’s no good way to say this, is there? There’s nowhere to put your wingwang.'


We tried to verify Dr Scott’s account with other marine biologists, but most have transferred to Refugee Studies and declined to comment.



Asylum-seekers To Be Made to Eat Stringy Bits From Bananas

In their latest attempt to appear tough on immigration, the government has announced that all detained asylum seekers above the age of twelve will be fed on a diet consisting entirely of the stringy strips of banana skin that people fastidiously peel off from the fruit before discarding.


These fibrous strips, or, 'fluffy runners' to give them their biological name, contain small amounts of starch and potassium and very little else.


A Home Office spokesperson told NewsBiscuit: 'During the Second World War we Brits didn't have any bananas at all, much less nutritious fluffy runners.


'A choice of preparations will be available, including fried runners, boiled runners and runners en croute with a light acorn gruel crust.'


Asylum-seekers under twelve years of age will be given runners that have been dried and then ground into a fine powder mixed with lukewarm tap water to provide a wholesome porridge, but woe betide any who ask for more'.


Human rights groups have hit out at the move, calling it 'inhumane' and 'shameful'.


Amnesty went even further:'Forcing these unfortunate people to exist on a diet of fluffy runners is barbaric in our view and must be prevented at all costs'


However, addressing recent rumours that all failed asylum claimants will be deported on Ryanair flights, the government moved quickly to deny the speculation, with a Department of Immigration spokesperson telling reporters: 'We're a civilised nation. We are not animals'.





Reform to start their own Estate Agency

In what is thought to be a Parliamentary first, Reform PLC has decided to branch out into estate agency work - sourcing, selling and buying properties across the UK.  Well, the pretty bits of the UK and also in Clacton.


'We've branched into selling football shirts, flags and mugs...,' said a spokesman, adding, '...mugs buy them.  And pay us £25 to join a limited company.


'It turns out we've acquired a certain amount of experience in the housing market - our glorious leader has six properties, er, well five properties, well five-ish properties and knows his way around the legal potholes in buying houses.


'He doesn't know about the potholes in Clacton, before you ask,' he added.


'He also knows how to ensure cashflow in a business, or more exactly how to flow cash.  He knows that most tax inspectors are dog-sh!t at their job.


'He doesn't know about the dog-sh!t problems in Clacton, either,' he admitted.


'If you're selling a property then he'll attend to it - unless it means attending in Parliament or his Clacton constituency surgery,' he said.



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