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Govt. to crack down on tax-evading Christmas freebies


The government has decided that this year, tax inspectors will follow Santa Claus and assess the value each present delivered before imposing appropriate VAT and import duty on it.  The inspectors will also measure the distance covered by Santa's sleigh and calculate the mileage charge payable.


This is before visiting Santa's workshop and checking the elves' timesheets and wage slips before imposing the correct employer's NI and pension contributions.  Officials will also check the working conditions (including working hours, workplace temperatures, hygiene conditions and health-and-safety situation), imposing appropriate fines and other financial penalties where there are any deficiencies.


Amazon are reported to be considering making a bid for the takeover of the entire Santa Claus enterprise, after the CEO, Mr Claus, was overheard saying 'Oh, bollosck to all this.  I may as well not exist!'


(A merry Christmas to all our readers.  Ho ho flippin' ho.)




How did England cricketers get drunk on awful Aussie lager?


After reports of failing to hold their weak, tasteless so-called beer during the current Ashes tour, an investigation has been launched into the appalling drinking performance of the English cricket team.


Apparently, England have been totally outclassed by their hosts so far on this tour. Batters were battered and bowlers got hammered despite the lack of alcohol in the nation’s beverages, much to the amusement of the locals.


Critics point to the lack of preparation, saying that there should have been more acclimatisation of the players to the impotence of a gallon of Fosters. However, it has been pointed out that they didn’t waste too much time playing cricket before the First Test, so they should have been adequately prepared.


The investigation will look at the tactics employed by the Aussies, including the possibility that they over-pitchered their deliveries. However, it is considered that the England players should have been able to handle any volume of the watery amber liquid.


The report that Freddie Flintoff is to join the squad has not been confirmed.



Liz Truss to fight Anthony Joshua



Jake Paul, the influencer and amateur boxer, did not do well in his boxing match with Anthony Joshua. But canny political operator Liz Truss has noticed how much publicity the match attracted, and is now keen to fight Anthony Joshua herself.


Although Liz Truss has no boxing experience at all, she still fancies her chances. 'It's an all British match,' she shrieked with unaccountable gusto, 'It'll be EPIC,' she yelled, lapsing into upper case, just like her hero, Donald Trump.


Liz will need to secure financial backing for the fight. Some Tory donors are apparently quite keen. 'It would be well worth the money,' said one through gritted teeth.


Liz expects to make over a million from the fight, and could make more than twenty million by betting on herself to win. And the fight will get her a huge amount of free publicity. GB News leads the race for the TV rights. 'I can't use the BBC,' she said, 'I need this to be broadcast in America, too.'


'When I win,' said Liz, with a steely glint in her eyes, 'I will immediately challenge Nigel Farage to a fight. Then we'll see who's the Daddy.'



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