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Nightmare on Elm Street star Freddie Kruger has become the latest character to defect to another horror franchise.


Kruger has been a symbol of fear since 1984.


"Elm Street is over," he told a press conference.

Kruger said he had been "honoured" to be asked to help scare the crap out of the British people and he hoped that Farage would be the next prime minister, because that would really do it.


He said: "There have been moments when I have been very proud to belong to people's nightmares", but added: "The world is so frightening now it is getting more and more difficult.


"Better phone coverage, disused campsites being developed into housing, damp cellars and abandoned cottages turning into AirB&Bs all make it more difficult for ordinary people to be led to the slaughter."


He added: "This is my tragic conclusion, the nightmare is over, it is just not scary any more."


Kruger said he had "great regard" for Badenoch. “The Tory party has done well to create such a toxic brand, but it could be worse. Far worse. If the British public want to sh*t themselves every time they turn on the TV there is only one choice, and that is Nigel Farage and The Reform Party”.



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The CEO of Twitter, also known as X by as many as three people, has admitted that the British electoral system is more than a Twitter poll. 


'Apparently you can only vote once, you have to use your real name and if the party with the most MPs wants to, they can hold off calling another poll, sorry election, for up to five years,' he posted on Twitter.  He also ran another poll which suggested he should be crowned King of England, but apparently, constitutionally, that is also a little flaky.  Even Grok agrees.





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The King of Self-Inflicted Wounds has declared a national shortage of rakes and not enough zippers to trap his peni$ in. The PM's commitment to slapstick has meant that he has run out of low beams to collide with, puddles to fall in and genocides to embrace.


Sir Keir's commitment to destroying himself is so strong, he cannot change his socks without crashing the economy. He has the Midas touch - if everything Midas touched turned to something a bit racist.


If there is an unforced error to be made, Starmer is the man with a plan and whoopee cushion. He makes the Chuckle Brothers look like rocket scientists. Said an aide: 'I've seen Keir trip over his own feet and fall head first into a sausage machine. Which is ironic, as Peter Mandleson had to resign because of a sausage machine.'



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