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Avatar is a 4-hour opportunity to get to third-base

The vast numbers of people going to a movie that no one asked for has been attributed to horny couples looking for discreet canoodling. Said one flustered teenager: "Normally I only get a couple of kisses an hour, but this film is so long I managed to impregnate the whole front row."


A billion-pound franchise with no discernible qualities, Avatar has been responsible for more unwelcome pregnancies than Boris Johnson at Guide Camp. Outside, as one moviegoer put on her bra, we asked her what she thought the film was about. "Smurfs in FernGully? The Blue Man Group meets Pocahontas? Whatever it was, it had loads of sex in it."


Asked if he wanted a fourth Avatar movie, one man said: "No. As much as I love the films, I just can't afford the child maintenance payments."



Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."


While sitting at the Christmas table urgent orchestral music kicked in, informing Jordan that his destiny was elsewhere. The turkey started glitch‑nagging, saying “You should really get back to the main road.” All these portents were complemented by an email entitled – "Main Quest: Still waiting for you. Anytime. No rush. It’s only the fate of the world."


Jordan was philosophical – "Bit of a coincidence,” he muttered, turning around to go do the thing the developers wanted him to do all along. He just couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he wasn’t the hero of the quests, he was just an NPC.



Medics concerned that Trump is becoming more sane

Medics, homeopaths, alternative health practitioners and witches are concerned about the President's mental health.


One quack doctor told us, 'I monitor what the President says and does very closely, for my podcast. It is very clear that the flow of lies, untruths, half-truths and utter nonsense is changing. The volume of nonsense is diminishing. And markedly. He doesn't spout total guff with the same volume or frequency or enthusiasm as before. The contributions aren't as batshit crazy as they were.


'It seems clear that something is going on inside the Presidential bonce. As the direction of travel seems positive, veering back towards established knowledge, truths and behaviours, we are increasingly worried that Donald J Trump is going sane.


'Fortunately, in the USA, the treatment for sanity is exactly the same as the treatment for insanity, so there won't be any need to change Donald's meds.'


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