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Trump to cap the price of eggs


The US President is finally spending some time on domestic issues, aiming to placate his MAGA base, who are concerned about living costs.


After shocking bankers by capping credit card interest, the President has moved on to other cost of living issues.


The latest initiative is to cap prices on things that MAGA supporters regard as essentials.  This includes eggs, which Trump voters prefer scrambled.  The price of eggs will be capped at five dollars a dozen, which will make egg production in the US uneconomic.  Importing eggs is not an option as they are subject to tariffs of10%4%22%50%200%33% at the time of writing.  However, if you can actually find any to buy, then they will be a bargain.


Donald Trump is also expected to sign Executive Orders to cap the prices of Big Macs, bullets, rifles, baseball caps (excepting those with political slogans), bumper stickers, all clothes larger than 2XL, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce, Jello, golf clubs, peanut butter, fake tan, Cheetos, American flags, American (but not Mexican) beers, after-sun cream (soothes red necks), blueberry muffins, Dr. Pepper, jogging pants, pretzels, pop-tarts, cable TV, pick-up trucks, Twinkies, microwaveable cheese, weight-loss drugs, lottery tickets, and barbed wire.


Economists are shaking their heads sadly, but are also looking forward to tucking in to some cheap chow. They predict that these price controls could reduce US inflation to around 1%, although the collateral damage could be the closure of thousands of American businesses and the loss of up to a million jobs.  Donald Trump has welcomed these predictions, describing them as ‘a price worth paying.'




World relaxes now they realise Trump wants Iceland


Despite confusion at Davos during Trump's speech, where people thought he had lost his mind and confused Greenland with Iceland due to the amount of frozen snow in Greenland, analysts now understand that the President was pitching for the US to buy out a major frozen food chain instead.


'It's true the President is prepared to send troops into Iceland HQ in Deeside, north Wales if necessary, but in reality he just wants to buy the chain and launch it in the US,' said White House spokesperson Caroline Leavitalone.  'And he's coming for Timpsons next,' she said.  A Timpsons spokesman said, 'cobblers'.




Cheating increases during Wacky Races


Cheating has soared rise by 100 percent on the famous driving competition as competitors turn to giant boulders and ACME bombs to gain an advantage.


According to freedom of information data from Hanna-Barbera Productions, many cases involve Dick Dastardly and Muttley.  Sometimes he disguises himself as the Abominable Snowman or a gorilla, uses giant elastic bands, illusionary rivers or anvils.  


Professor Pat Pending, of The Flintstone University, warned of the dangers of these actions, "It means that there will be more accidents, collisions, damage to the cars,  damage to human beings and, in some cases, bears" .


Industry leaders blamed the increase on Dastardly and Muttley's desperation to win, while the DVSA blamed the apparent general rise in cheating on improved detection due to the fact that "every attempt to cheat was witnessed by thousands of children all over the country" (Source BARB).


Dastardly's usual race strategy revolves around using his car's great speed to get ahead of the other racers, and then setting a trap to stop them. If he just concentrated on driving he would win every race.




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