Vance rails at lack of banjo playing in Europe

Following his recent speech at the Munich Security Conference, when Vice President JD Vance heavily criticised Europe for stifling free speech, it's come to light that at a much less reported event he also railed at Europe's lack of banjo playing.

Addressing a meeting of the Euro Cowpoke Brethren, he slammed political leaders for silencing banjo playing in Europe, saying, 'What I want to say to our European allies is, I am deeply concerned about European governments and their attack on freedom of banjo playing.'

He went on, 'When I was growing up in my hometown, we would listen to it for hours before going out to hunt tourists. In Europe, government crackdowns on banjo playing, with an insistence on Johann Sebastian Bach instead, is like a Soviet-era mind-virus. Furthermore, deliberate mass immigration into Europe means the banjo is under threat from all kinds of ethnic drumming and chanting, like rap music. Point is, there is a new President in the Whitehouse now and he loves the banjo bigly.'

Labour to impose a supertax on bingo

Government sources have confirmed that the government is running out of ways to scar the poor, penalise the old and disenfranchise the disabled.  Despite all their best efforts they have raped, pillaged and censored the weak and the worthy alike.  Their last, best hope is to raise the taxes on bingo halls, targeting the lower paid and most easily distracted elements in society.

'It is well known that the lower paid, the under-educated and those who seek inexpensive light relief from caring duties like to spend time in bingo halls.  They are our target victims - er - audience, so we will make their miserable lives more miserable.  It's the least we can do, and the least is definitely what we want to do,' said a government spokesman today.

Photo by Bruno Guerrero on Unsplash

Existence of Ukraine main obstacle to peace, says Russia’s former Defense Minister

The existence of Ukraine’s Constitution will prevent Kyiv from initiating peace talks with Russia and ending the war, said Russia’s former Defense Minister and current Security Council Secretary, earlier today.

'The main difficulty is their constitution prohibits negotiations on changing territorial integrity, whereas the Russian Constitution allows changing the borders, but only if they move further away from Moscow.

The remarks were made to Russian state-run media TASS, and appeared to express surprise Ukraine wants to retain control of its borders.

The former official demanded that before there could be a cease-fire, Ukraine's constitution should be amended to make it more similar to the Russian Constitution, and allow border changes in the direction further away from Moscow.

'Except for the frontline in Southern Ukraine, where for geographical reasons that would would give territory back to Ukraine. Which of course is absurd.'

Photo by Eugene on Unsplash