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Reform to start their own Estate Agency

In what is thought to be a Parliamentary first, Reform PLC has decided to branch out into estate agency work - sourcing, selling and buying properties across the UK.  Well, the pretty bits of the UK and also in Clacton.


'We've branched into selling football shirts, flags and mugs...,' said a spokesman, adding, '...mugs buy them.  And pay us £25 to join a limited company.


'It turns out we've acquired a certain amount of experience in the housing market - our glorious leader has six properties, er, well five properties, well five-ish properties and knows his way around the legal potholes in buying houses.


'He doesn't know about the potholes in Clacton, before you ask,' he added.


'He also knows how to ensure cashflow in a business, or more exactly how to flow cash.  He knows that most tax inspectors are dog-sh!t at their job.


'He doesn't know about the dog-sh!t problems in Clacton, either,' he admitted.


'If you're selling a property then he'll attend to it - unless it means attending in Parliament or his Clacton constituency surgery,' he said.



Trump eats spoon


From Our Royal Correspondent:


The President caused some embarrassment at the State Banquet by consuming most of the cutlery on display. Rather than point out his mistake, grovelling UK diplomats applauded and fed him napkins.


Mr. Trump further upset protocol by squatting over the soup tureen and taking a dump - which the King heralded as a remarkable defence of free speech. No one batted an eyelid when the President gently mounted Queen Camilla during dessert. Instead Keir Starmer said we were very lucky to have this special relationship. And that he himself would be taking a turn, once the Queen fancied a break.


Rumours circulated that due to a scheduling error, Trump was in fact supposed to attend a chimp's tea party.

In other news, the chimp secured a $1bn trade deal with the US.



Freddie Kruger defects to Friday the 13th

Nightmare on Elm Street star Freddie Kruger has become the latest character to defect to another horror franchise.


Kruger has been a symbol of fear since 1984.


"Elm Street is over," he told a press conference.

Kruger said he had been "honoured" to be asked to help scare the crap out of the British people and he hoped that Farage would be the next prime minister, because that would really do it.


He said: "There have been moments when I have been very proud to belong to people's nightmares", but added: "The world is so frightening now it is getting more and more difficult.


"Better phone coverage, disused campsites being developed into housing, damp cellars and abandoned cottages turning into AirB&Bs all make it more difficult for ordinary people to be led to the slaughter."


He added: "This is my tragic conclusion, the nightmare is over, it is just not scary any more."


Kruger said he had "great regard" for Badenoch. “The Tory party has done well to create such a toxic brand, but it could be worse. Far worse. If the British public want to sh*t themselves every time they turn on the TV there is only one choice, and that is Nigel Farage and The Reform Party”.



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