Day five & the Olympic Opening Ceremony is still going

Paris 2024 treated the world to a spectacle of light, sound and mind-numbing boredom - with all the obligatory mime artists you could want. Not content with talking in French - everyone's worst second language - the Olympic hosts decided to showcase the million and one reasons why French art is so dull.

The torrential rain did alleviate some of the tension by soaking Olympic Officials and a bedraggled choir. While the highlight was seeing the competitors forced onto barges and hit by a water canon of excrement, from the River Seine.

The key to all French culture is to do it at a snail's pace, but with a face like a slapped arse. There seemed to be an awful lot of cosplay characters on skateboards and hula-hoopers in fetish underwear - but that is standard for any French day out. It was the glacial pace that did for may of the viewers, said one: 'I need a medal just for having watched it.'

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How they persuaded Joe Biden to step down

Did they say...?

'If you stand down now, you can run for Pope as soon as Francis pegs out.'

'Wow, I can't believe it's 2028 already, those two terms sure went by like a flash.'

'What America needs right now is a woman of colour to end the Civil War and free the slaves.'

'If Kamala is president, then you can be Defense Secretary. Remember how you always said you'd like to kick the nuclear football round the White House lawn?'

'Sorry Joe, the job is now hereditary - you know, like the way the Brits do it. Time to make way for President Hunter Biden.'

'Damn, they've raised the minimum age for the presidency to 90. Just make sure you keep in shape for 2032, OK?'

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Greg Clark & Vince Cable unaware of Post Office prosecutions

Former Ministers Greg Clark and Vince Cable have said that they were unaware that the Post Office was prosecuting sub-postmasters.

Both denied seeing news stories in Computer Weekly, Accountancy Age and Private Eye. Both denied that any of these were real publications. They also denied reading the Post Office Annual Reports or Business Plans, even though they had signed them off.

Both said that none of their staff were aware of these news stories and that no-one in the Conservative Party was aware of them either, not even their all-seeing special advisors and not even any of the think tanks. What would they know?

They added that none of their families, friends, acquaintances or constituents knew about the news stories, because none of them worked in computing, or worked as accountants or read Private Eye, and because they didn't know anyone who did either.

The chair of the Post Office Inquiry thanked both men for clarifying that they were extremely, enthusiastically and emphatically not involved and not to blame.

Picture credit: Wix AI