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Andrew relaunches career as rock star

In a move aides describe as “possibly even dafter than the Emily Maitlis interview”, the artist formerly known as Prince Andrew has decided to relaunch himself as a rock star.


‘I’ve been reading up on this - I found a book in the 15th loo at Royal Lodge - and it turns out rock stars are actually rewarded for bad behaviour,’ said Andrew. ‘People admire them for it. It’s so unfair’.


Having no talent for music, or anything else, Andrew soon realised it would have to be a covers band and has been practising Beatles songs – the Pizza Express at Woking plays them on loop and he was attracted by the lyrics of HELP, With a Little Help From My Friends and Nowhere Man.


However, his lusty rendition of “Oh she was just 17, you know what I mean” caused the rest of the band to resign, leaving him singing solo.


‘Hang on, guys’ he called after them. ‘We’ve still got to record the next song – “Thank Heaven for little girls”.’

 

Hat Tip Deskpilot



NATO celebrates victory over Russia - again

Military chiefs have completed quite the contortion by patting themselves on the back while giving themselves a reach around: "Our strategy of saying we would help but just doing the bare minimum has really paid off. Rather than actual troops or logistics, what we focused on was sending best wishes and our elite PR firms. The Russian offensive was smashed by our optimistic slogans and fantastic powerpoint display.


"All our military objectives were completed - as long as you put your fingers in your ears and shout la la la. Ukraine is victorious – which is to say v-i-c-t-o-r-i-o-u-s, or Venture Into Chaos That Offers Ruin Instead Of Unlikely Success.


"Moscow has fallen. Definitely. For sure. If you hold it up at an angle and squint a bit. We beat Russia so hard their chess grandmasters started playing checkers. We didn’t just defeat them — we rewrote the laws of thermodynamics to make freedom the only stable state of matter. We've proven you don't need superiority in troop numbers, production or tactics, you just need good photo ops. And a large amount of delusion and cocaine."



More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.


‘Is it too much to ask?’ a spokesman said. ‘All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can’t expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven’t been any crimes committed’.


Nigel Farage is understood to be ‘baffled’ by the low crime figures, given the number of ‘men of fighting age’ he has pointed at over the years. ‘What’s wrong with them?’ the spokesman added. ‘It’s almost as if they aren’t terrorists after all’.


In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter ‘oh, for f*ck’s sake’ under their breath.




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