Australian kids forced to use Skippy the Bush Kangaroo to communicate

Australia's ban on social media means that kids will need to use a unique clicking system to communicate. Phones will be rendered useless, and the only friend they'll need will be the Head Ranger of Waratah National Park. 

The platform, called Bouncy-Bouncy, means kids have to carry a fully grown marsupial in their pockets. Two kangaroos can connect together, but it must be distances of less than 10-yards to hear the 'tchkk tchk tchk.'

The Australian government insisted that the kangaroo system will protect kids from harmful content – unless of course Sonny is trapped down a well. Kids will be heard saying, 'What's that Skippy? Billy's updated his dating status?'

Image credit: Stable Diffusion

Debt collectors now calling randomly

Debt collectors, whose work has been publicised by television, admit targeting non-debtors.

A debt collector working for one debt recovery company told us, 'We don't bother trying to get the address right. It's always wrong on the paperwork anyway. So we just pick any old address in the area and turn up on spec.

'Usually people open the front door and I put me foot in, and they can't close it. Then I ask them if they've had any emails or messages asking for payments. That makes them think a bit. They aren't surprised to see us, because most people have had some scam emails, messages or letters demanding payment of debts for all sorts of fake things.

'Thing is, everyone's in debt these days aren't they?

'In the rare case where we do end up taking stuff from people who aren't in debt, they can always take us to court to get the money back. They will need a court order. Then they will need to go to a debt collection agency. It sometimes comes to me as a job, isn't that a laugh? Obviously I don't do our own place, I just get the address a bit wrong and do some plebs who probably have debts too. The client gets their money, so what's the problem?

'But, taking us to court will take ages and be very expensive, so they're better off just forgetting about it. Best just get more stuff on Amazon on the never-never, and carry on. Happy days!'

Image credit: stable diffusion

Reform receive enough bricks in the post to build a new HQ

The limited company masquerading as a political party, Reform UK, have announced an interesting side effect of their latest marketing campaign; enough bricks sent back via their freepost envelope to build an entirely new headquarters.

At a press conference, head of recruitment Jack Boots elaborated on the plan, telling reporters, 'It's been a great success. We expected to get people's personal information so that we could sell it on for profit to supportive media like the Daily Telegraph, or to any flag manufacturers. However, what's actually happened is people sending us building materials like bricks, gravel, and concrete. Once we'd sorted those from the glitter and potential anthrax, we found we've got enough for an office near Tufton Street, saving on journeys to receive our orders, I mean requests from ordinary hard-working alarm-clock Britons. We've had clearance to build on a brownfield site, and already had a surge of volunteers eager to help. To be fair, some had got confused over what brownfield meant, and we did have to refer a few of the people who misunderstood to the Police.'

Showing attendees plans for the new edifice, Boots explained the goal behind the aesthetic. 'It's harking back to classic London,' he remarked, 'but with modern provisions. We've added a direct tunnel to the Savoy to avoid embarrassing moments where Nigel's been caught walking to restaurants for an oyster lunch rather than being in Westminster to do mundane things like work or vote on behalf of his constituents. Also, while we've tried to keep a Georgian look, the building is made with modern regulations in mind. We were struggling with insulation, but we're able to fill the cavity wall with wattle and daub because as well as the bricks, we've received enough excrement in the post to make that possible.'

Image credit: Stable Diffusion