Aston Villa has the right to defend itself?

Controversy surrounds the banning of Maccabi Tel Aviv fans, who had provoked outrage by demanding VAR goal line technology extend from the river to the sea.

Villa justified their actions saying Birmingham was their ancestral home and that God had promised them a European Cup 3,000 years ago. Villa further claimed Maccabi fans were a terrorist threat and had previously rejected 2-2 solution.

'What next?' complained one Maccabi hooligan. 'Our full surrender, the destruction of our stadium and Tony Blair becoming our new Manager?'

Cage fighting comes to Royal Albert Hall

Following the success of the Grand Sumo Tournament at the Royal Hall – apart from overnight repairs to the floor and the re-bolting of seven toilets to the wall – the historic venue has announced some further surprises in its autumn season.

The first week of November sees International Cage Fighting, culminating in an aerial bout between Lord Melvyn Bragg and David Olusoga, just to prove that the venue is not completely ignoring its core Radio Four audience.

Later in the month there will be Axe Throwing, a compelling spectacle unless you’re sitting in the first three rows. Then there is the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra on skateboards, sponsored by Red Bull, and followed by the XL Bully Dog Show…on Ice!

Lastly, the Christmas season will be ushered in by our Japanese friends again with Sumo Enchanted Evening, an evening of show favourites accompanied by the live crushing of a double bass just by lying down on it.

Story by rogt

New Bond movie to feature abandoned Chinese spy case

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'Our next blockbuster will be based on a real-life drama,' said a spokes-clapper board for the Bond franchise. It will have 007 travelling across five continents, jumping out of helicopters and dodging laser beams by millimetres, to capture two people alleged to have spied against Britain for China.'

'There's a fascinating plot twist when it turns out he may as well not have bothered, because they get let off.'

The ending is, indeed, the dampest squib ever to have been inflicted on the film-going public, as a chinless wonder from the Foreign Office persuades the Crown Prosecution Service to abandon the case.

'It would have meant the government saying in open court that China is our enemy, M tells Bond. 'But we can't have that. Otherwise, the Chinese might get upset and treat even more horribly than they do now.

'But thank you ever so much for risking your life yet again in the defence of Britain, 007.'

'What's the point?" Bond replies, ripping up his licence to kill. "Whatever is the sodding point any more?'

The new Bond movie, "On Her Majesty's Spineless Service", won't be opening at a Crown Court near you.