Reform UK demand vampire ban to ensure British Halloween

Nigel Farage today called for the banning of all vampire and Dracula based imagery and costumes due to the characters Romanian roots.

'We have perfectly fine Great British ghosts, ghouls and witches,' he told journalists, 'why should we be celebrating a foreign character with a history of easily evading customs as a bat as well as creating significant numbers of further vampires demanding British blood.'

Mr Farage also went on to forge links with the Romanian Traveler community and vampiric tradition stating that there may even be encampments of vampires on "our beautiful British village greens" by November 1st.

'There's nothing wrong with a white sheet with eye holes, and I say white without fear of reprimand,' he went on, 'or a good old fashion witch primed and ready for dunking in a local river. Great days.'

We have approached Reform's Head Office for guidance on Zombies, Demons, Mummies and Axe Murderers. Guidance was issued that 'sexy' costumes would remain under close scrutiny.

Photo by Loren Cutler on Unsplash

Dinosaur footprints lead to discovery of giant quarry

A giant quarry possibly as much as 30 years old has been discovered in Oxfordshire on the site of some dinosaur footprints.  The quarry has been left intact and seems to have been used by trucks, diggers and tippers to remove limestone.  "Once we level the dinosaur footprints we'll have a clearer view of just what we have found," said Emma Nichols from Oxford University's Museum of Natural Quarries.  "It's certainly the biggest find of its kind in Europe."

Story by: rogt

Photo by Fausto García-Menéndez on Unsplash

Channel 4 launch new 'Naked Hotel Shower Controls' gameshow

Channel 4 has announced a new gameshow where members of the public choose a shower cubicle that contains a shower unit modelled on one of the thousands of shower variants used in British hotels, disrobes, enters the cubicle and works out how to start the shower and set the temperature while being filmed by upwards of twenty cameras.

'British hotel shower controls are notoriously difficult to operate and extremely variable in terms of the way they work - is it a push, pull or twist, if the latter, which way?' said a commissioning editor at Channel 4.  'Obviously the participants will be naked for as long as it takes he or she to soap all over, rinse off and wash their hair, including conditioner,' he added.

The show is open to men and women of all ages, 'but we prefer women, of course,' he added.  The show isn't about gratuitous nudity, the channel argues, but is a fun vehicle to educate the viewers on the myriad ways showers in British hotels operate, 'with a little bit of fun stress thrown in,' said the editor.

The Palace refused to comment on rumours that Prince Andrew has offered to host a junior version of the show.

Photo by kevin Baquerizo on Unsplash