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“We are not a cult” says Tesla Shareholder and True Believer

“Stop saying that, why would you even think that? Being too scared that our glorious leader will leave us so we have to promise him $1,000,000,000,000 is perfectly normal and not weird at all. He is the only one who can rescue us and our money, he will save us and protect us from the woke mind virus and an insanely overpriced company collapsing if he leaves. This is all perfectly un-weird, he will take us to Mars, no comets involved as of yet, but I am willing to die on that comet if there is one. Does this sound like a cult to you? No, you’re weird.”


The disciple paused to check the Tesla share price and then continued.


“Promising ten million dollars an hour to keep him is not weird. That is an ok thing to do and totally rational. I did my own research, and all my fellow mission-driven associates say it is not weird at all. He has targets, we’re not crazy. One of them is for Tesla to produce 1 million robots a year by 2030. Nothing can go wrong with that. Our Supreme God King said that Asimov is a nerd, and his laws of robotics are lame and Lord Elon's own laws about allowing robots to injure humans whilst making a fart noise are well sick.”


He muttered something about “so called experts”, did a quick double “Roman salute" and left, staring at his share tracker.




Nation’s migratory birds increasingly considering just not coming back, study shows

A survey published today shows that over 72% of the Nation’s migratory birds have either considered just not coming back or have enacted plans to remain abroad.


“We spoke to over 3000 birds over the last 2 years”, Dr Gerald Brearly told us, “both here in the UK and abroad in their migratory destinations. We were quite taken aback by the sheer number of British birds that have either settled or already decided to stay in Southern Africa and South America.” Newsbiscuit travelled down to Lesotho to interview a Swallow called Jonathan and his wife Karen.


“Look, I love the good old UK, I really do”, said Jonathan, “but it’s so grey and you really can't rely on the weather.”


“Yeah, and the grubs and insects are so much better here”, said Karen, “not to mention how capacious the nesting is. There’s just so much twigs and stuff to build something better in stead of fag butts, crisp bags and disposable vapes”


“Great for the kids too”, interjected Jonathan, his wife nodding next to him, “loads of berries just hanging about. Little Wayne hasn’t eaten a wotsit or kebab meat for months!”


It was a pattern that most birds told us they thought about, some even going as far as setting up permanent nests abroad.


“I’ll always be a British Migratory Swallow”, Jonathan told us, “but sometimes you just have to make a change”.



Mortgages added to give curriculum a fantasy setting

Ministers are recommending that students now study things they will never have, like jobs, affordable health care and the abstract concept of hope. Originally mortgage management was to be part of the maths curriculum, but it now sits in English Literature alongside other works of fiction.


For those who are more serious about mortgages there is an extra history module, where owning your own house is traced back to the fall of the Roman Empire. There will also be courses to learn how to spot AI, delivered by AI and where every piece of work submitted will be by an AI.


Those graduating will be qualified to rent a property of their own choice, provided it is one room for £2000 p/m. They will then have the option to study a PhD in "how I'm paying my landlord's mortgage, while I eat gruel".



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