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Dedicated Family Man Sauron Assassinated


Middle-earth was left reeling this week after dedicated family man and industrious tycoon Sauron was reportedly assassinated in a two-pronged attack. The assailants included a cross-dressing soldier and two Hobbits, rumoured to be members of the LGBTQ+ community.


'He was a hero, a defender of free speech and Mordor’s values,” said a grieving spokesperson for his orc constituency. “He may have held some controversial opinions, but that doesn’t condone violence of any kind. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.'


Witnesses describe a chaotic scene outside Barad-dûr, where the attackers reportedly scaled the Dark Tower’s walls using what one observer described as 'suspiciously glittery climbing gear.'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

British couple freed after months in Taliban prison: 'We were totally spying!'


A British couple who were imprisoned by the Taliban in Afghanistan for nearly eight months have been released but admit, with a small amount of giggling, 'We were totally spying'.


Peter Reynolds, 80, and his wife Barbie, 76, have lived in the country for nearly two decades but had decided to come home in February. They were stopped and imprisoned whilst on their way to the airport on vague charges such as 'educating women'.


'I remember saying to Barbie at the time', said Peter laughing to himself, 'I hope this isn't about the shit ton of spying we've been doing!'


Barbie smiled warmly, 'Oh yes! I remember that! I had only been doing a bit of spying the day before and I think you had just come back from a whole weekend of spying!'


The couple were freed and are flying to Qatar for medical checks before travelling on to the UK, it is unclear whether they will continue their work as amateur spies.


Image: WixAI

Flat earther flown into space, now claims his eyes are in on the hoax

Gary Newbold, 27, was the first flat earther sent into space, in a bid by the government to combat conspiracy theorists by exposing them to undeniable visual evidence.


The Government's plan backfired spectacularly after Gary returned to Earth adamant that the Earth was flat, and therefore his eyes must be in on the hoax. Mr Newbold said ‘I was taught to never trust your eyes. I mean - where do they go at night, have you ever thought about that?’


Gary rubbished claims that he is a conspiracy theorist, asserting, ‘I just learned to always question things from Joe Rogan, I mean why would you just believe the experts, what do they know?’


After noticing his eyes were globe shaped just like in the fake round Earth theory, Gary removed both of his eyes with a spork, declaring that the evidence irrefutably showed his eyes were inside agents.


He claims he can now see better than ever, thanks to Joe Rogan awakening his 3rd eye. Despite his 3rd eye Gary remains house bound after dismissing his guide dog, upon learning it had been trained.



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