New Bond movie to feature abandoned Chinese spy case

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'Our next blockbuster will be based on a real-life drama,' said a spokes-clapper board for the Bond franchise. It will have 007 travelling across five continents, jumping out of helicopters and dodging laser beams by millimetres, to capture two people alleged to have spied against Britain for China.'

'There's a fascinating plot twist when it turns out he may as well not have bothered, because they get let off.'

The ending is, indeed, the dampest squib ever to have been inflicted on the film-going public, as a chinless wonder from the Foreign Office persuades the Crown Prosecution Service to abandon the case.

'It would have meant the government saying in open court that China is our enemy, M tells Bond. 'But we can't have that. Otherwise, the Chinese might get upset and treat even more horribly than they do now.

'But thank you ever so much for risking your life yet again in the defence of Britain, 007.'

'What's the point?" Bond replies, ripping up his licence to kill. "Whatever is the sodding point any more?'

The new Bond movie, "On Her Majesty's Spineless Service", won't be opening at a Crown Court near you.

Cyber attack contingency plans should be put on paper.

People should plan for potential cyber-attacks by going back to pen and paper, according to the latest advice.

The government has written to chief executives across the country strongly recommending that they should have physical copies of their plans at the ready as a precaution.

In associated developments the government has reached out to the ursine community pointing out that visitors to the woods should ensure they take sufficient toilet paper to address the likely outputs / outcomes.

Chancellor astonishes country after saying Brexit has harmed economy

There have been cries of "get away?", "Goodness me, that's a surprise" and "well I never." from commentators up and down the nation after Rachel Reeves has said that Brexit has harmed the economy.

One economist tried to explain. "It turns out there's a link between losing £500M a week and the economy going down the crapper. Who'd have thought it?"

In unrelated news, it has been announced that the British people are the most sarcastic in Europe.