Military chiefs have completed quite the contortion by patting themselves on the back while giving themselves a reach around: "Our strategy of saying we would help but just doing the bare minimum has really paid off. Rather than actual troops or logistics, what we focused on was sending best wishes and our elite PR firms. The Russian offensive was smashed by our optimistic slogans and fantastic powerpoint display.
"All our military objectives were completed - as long as you put your fingers in your ears and shout la la la. Ukraine is victorious – which is to say v-i-c-t-o-r-i-o-u-s, or Venture Into Chaos That Offers Ruin Instead Of Unlikely Success.
"Moscow has fallen. Definitely. For sure. If you hold it up at an angle and squint a bit. We beat Russia so hard their chess grandmasters started playing checkers. We didn’t just defeat them — we rewrote the laws of thermodynamics to make freedom the only stable state of matter. We've proven you don't need superiority in troop numbers, production or tactics, you just need good photo ops. And a large amount of delusion and cocaine."
