Talcum Powder to be rebranded as 'Best Ass Dust'

Following the recent lawsuits in USA & UK, a well-known brand of talcum powder has been withdrawn from chemists' shelves by teams in white overalls and breathing apparatus, following revelations that the product contains asbestos.

A spokesman for the un-named company didn’t want to Talc about it, but read out a carefully powdered down statement saying that it had been mis-prescribed as 'Babies Johnson Powder'and that it was meant to be sold exclusively for Boots only.

Image credit: perchance.org

Claudia Winkleman's fringe to be listed

Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is to be listed and is to go on tour next year after Winkleman and her co-host Tess Daly leave Strictly Come Dancing.

English Heritage confirmed that Winkleman’s fringe is being given Grade II listed status in honour of its “cultural status”. A spokesperson said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is seen by millions of people every year. Granting it Grade II listed status saves it for the nation.’

The show’s producers said: ‘Claudia Winkleman’s fringe is a national treasure. The tour will allow members of the public a chance to get close to an important part of television’s best-loved presenters.’

The tour will take in cities, towns and villages across the UK, much like the Olympic torch tour in 2012.

The operation, called a ‘fringeoctomy’, involves two small incisions being made in the scalp under local anaesthetic, and then a gentle peeling back and lifting of the fringe. A skin graft from the back is then applied to the affected area and a new fringe grows within weeks.

Observers say Winkleman’s fringe needed cutting anyway. ‘If you look at episodes of the show from ten years ago, you can clearly see her eyebrows’, said one member of Strictly fan club, Telford Tango. ‘Now her eyes are barely visible.’

Winkleman, who has presented the show since 1951, said: “I’m nervous about the operation obviously, but excited too. As long as Craig Revel Horwood is not the surgeon….”

image from grok

Reality show contestant completes task without panic

A contestant has completed a reality TV show challenge in good time with no last minute panic. Stunned viewers watched open-mouthed as Caroline Frodsham, a project manager from Stoke, completed the redecoration of a cake shop with an hour to spare and under budget.

'I simply worked back from the deadline and planned out the tasks to fit the budget,' said Ms Frodsham. 'The client initially wanted a very ambitious design, but we had a sensible and open discussion on what was realistic - your know, like adults - and they were happy with the end result.'

'She was polite, competent and efficient,' said series producer Josh Wyndham, 'the bastard. Who wants to watch that? No tears, no breakdowns, no bitching about her fellow contestants... She embarrassed us all in front of the nation. Mark my words, she'll never work in reality TV again.' Despite this threat, Ms Frodsham appeared unconcerned, apparently quite happy to continue working in actual reality instead.

Image credit: perchance.org