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Police to be given powers to make up emergency laws on the fly


The UK Government have confirmed that Police are to be given new powers to make up emergency laws on fly should situations require them.


“Too long have UK Law Enforcement had to suffer the indignity of constant scrutiny and retrospective analysis”, said Chief Constable Wonchingthorpe, head of the Police Union, “with these new powers we hope to set aside this culture of blame against our boys and girls in blue and enter a new era of trust and no further questioning.”


It is unclear the extent of these new powers but this could extend to many areas of life. For example, the Police can know stop and detain you for possessing, with intent to wear, bad trainers; distributing out of date memes; looking a bit rioty; tutting in a built up area; and unnecessary inflationary pricing of baked goods (sweet and savoury).


The powers are far reaching as our reporter found out by being arrested for having a sarcastic, moany tone of voice.




Confused journalists wake up in abandoned Conservative Conference


A confused scene this morning, at the Conservative Conference, as a group of 25 or so journalists woke up to find the venue had been largely abandoned and they were the only ones left.


"It was weird", said Peter Bryant, a staffer for the Telegraph, "I was catching 40 winks during a Mel Stride thing and then I wake up to find everyone gone. It was like 28 days later. Only with old racists instead of zombies"


A decision was made on the Tuesday morning, due to the fact that no-one was really listening and most people were either hungover or asleep, that the conference might as well shut up shop and knock off early. Robert Jenrick summed it up, "Blah blah blah not enough white faces blah blah blah scrap the ECHR blah blah blah immigration is coming for your swans and conservatories. OK? Everyone get that? Great, see you next year, hopefully somewhere down south." He walked off stage to one person applauding which woke the press corp.


The confused journalists reverted to their survival instincts and made their way to the bar to find Kemi Badenoch talking sternly to a waiter who had asked her why she was in town.




Nation's faithful weep for joy over appointment of new Archbishop


"It had been nearly a year that the Church of England was without an Archbishop of Canterbury and I thought that if the position were to be left vacant for a single more day, our dear nation would crumble into the sea," said 525-year-old Moira Bonkers of Fading Light nursing home in Broadstairs, shedding tears of pure joy onto her hymnal.


"But now God has wrought His wonders and we have a new incumbent on the Throne of St Augustine to lead all our souls to heaven," continued Bonkers, as church bells pealed inside her head.


"And I do so respect the Right Reverend Thomas Cranmer as a great moral and spiritual leader for our age," she added.


On being told the new Archbishop is not Cranmer but a former NHS bureaucrat who constantly wears a plastic laminated ID tag around her neck saying that her name is Mullally or something, Bonkers said: "Yeah, right. Like that's who God wanted  - Sarah from Personnel."




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