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AI consistently outperformed in trials by Magic 8 Ball


WARNING: this article may contain warnings 


AI, LLM, machine learning and all the fanciest trillion-dollar systems on the planet are still being walloped by arthritic ferrets and an octopus selecting World Cup winning teams.


When asked whether Ottawa was the capital city of Canada, Grok 17.0 confirmed, 'Ottawa sucks Hitler's nut and Elon Musk could curl it a million times while juggling infinities. Also, I f**ked your mom with your other mom's cock you don't even know about.'


Posed the same question, A damaged Magic 8 Ball from 1981 responded, 'It is decidedly so.'


Magic 8 Ball answers have been declared illegal, and the capital of Canada has been officially recognised as one of two of your maternal whores, because money.




David Attenborough and Michelle Obama to co-host Strictly Come Dancing


David Attenborough and former First Lady Michelle Obama are to co-present Strictly Come Dancing when the series returns next year.


Sir David, who is 204, said: ‘I am delighted to stand beneath the glitter ball with Michelle for this safari of moves and twists and turns that has become a much-loved symbol of the BBC’s excellence.’


Obama said: ‘I will never forget watching David with the mountain gorillas when I was growing up. He was so gentle. If it had been Craig Revel Horwood they’d have crushed him. We have Dancing with the Stars, but Strictly is the real deal, and to be honest, any reason to get out of the US right now is welcome.’


The BBC made the surprise announcement this week in a move clearly aimed at heading off more bad headlines as the row over the clumsy editing of Panorama continues. Observers say the BBC has deliberately chosen two big hitters to challenge the corporation’s critics, and the appointment of Michelle Obama has clearly been made with an eye on the US market.


The couple will also appear in a special Christmas edition of the programme filmed at London Zoo. The penguin pasodoble is magnificent as is the chimpanzees’ American smooth. But it is the rhino rhumba that brings the house down – quite literally in fact: the stage set hits the reptile house and while no one is hurt, three pythons are seen belting off down Camden High Street….




Tickets go on sale for White House Christmas Rant-omime


The White House's box office was deluged by absolutely no one as tickets went on sale for the Trump Yuletide Rant-omime.


"It stars the president acting as himself, speaking incessantly out of the back end of a pantomime horse," explained White House ugly sister Karoline Leavitt.


"The play opens with the humble heroine reading one of his Truth Social rants: 'Too bad failing Cinderella can't come to the White House Ballroom. Dresses in rags. No class. Complete loser.'


"But as pathetic Cinders weeps bitter tears over this extremely statesman-like jibe," continued the spokes-witch Leavitt, "her fairy godmother - Archbishop Sarah Mulhally of Canterbury - appears.


"'You will go to the ballroom, Cinderella,' says Britain’s new sky pilot in chief, 'and meet every one of the President's wonderful friends - none of whom ever set foot on Epstein's paedo island.


"'And you'll meet Prince Charmless - except he's not a prince any more. He's just a sodding embarrassment.'


"But the hapless Cinders stays at the ball too long, gets turned into Liz Truss and wilts into nothingness in a vegetable rack.


"So she turns out exactly the way our great leader predicted," crowed the White House spokes-curse. 'Failing. No class'. Just like all of us and our despicable show."




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