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EA Games bought by Saudi Investment Group.....it'll be fine


Electronic Arts make some of the most popular video games, what are some of the expected new features now Mohammed bin Salman is definitely not involved.

  • The Sims – You can now dismember your Sims with a bonesaw!

  • Battlefield – Chose the new Saudi Special Forces character – Special weapon, yep, a bonesaw!

  • Star Wars Battlefront – You can now play as a hero Sith character with a unique Light-bonesaw weapon – just imagine that glowing red serrated edge dismembering rebel journalist scum!

  • Dead Space – This is now a simulated room in the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, no reason.

  • FIFA – You now get to dismember the losing team with a bonesaw! Don’t ask why, you know what happens if you questions…



Pinching and punching show healthy growth, no returns largely ignored


As the first day of the month hits the UK, early reports show that the "pinch, punch, first day of the month" ritual has seen a steady rise on last year. Playful pinches and punches still make up 86% of all interactions, which is flat versus 2024. The "slightly too hard, maybe there was something behind that" strikes have seen a slight decline. Proper punches and pinches that show intention to bruise or cause dead arms have doubled to 4% on 2024 showing an alarming rise in the malevolent intentions versus the tradition's innocent origins. The rise is, of course, coming from the secondary schoolboy demographic whose violent interactions have added a new dimension to the somewhat playful intent.


What has alarmed government observers is the erosion of the "no returns" rule which is seeing flouting on over 90% of interactions. Some ignoring of "no returns" rules sometime turn into year long feuds and running battles. Nigel Farage has put this erosion of tradition values down to immigrants and those that do not uphold the British way of life and has petitioned the Government to scrap adherence to the European Convention of Human Rights where "pinch punch" rules are enshrined but not enforced.



Nation's serial killers announce dismemberment outsourcing deal

The National Union of Serial Killers today announced a ground-breaking dismemberment outsourcing deal allowing them to focus on core competencies.


“We’ve discussed the messy, time-consuming and dangerous business of dismemberment and disposal and decided that this can’t go on, “ said Barrat Conch, a prolific serial killer from Norfolk, “I mean, I love the profiling, the choosing of victims, the pursuit etc. But the aftermath is always a bit meh. I always am on a massive come down after killing so the last thing I want to do is think about acid baths and weighted bin bags.”


It thought that the organisation to win the contract is Capita, the government contractor, who has said that they have already mobilised a fleet of blacked out transit vans emblazoned with the services' slogan, “we’ll take it from here”.


“The British Serial killer is behind the times,” said Melissa Leckwith, head of Dismemberment Operations, “so we are proud to allow them to concentrate on the thing that they’re good at. And for the rest…”, she winked, “we’ll take it from here”.


Although details of the deal are sparse, it is thought that most “waste” will be either transported to Myanmar for disposal or made available for cattle feed.


H/T Titus



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