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The government must do more to promote integration and look away from problems caused by Conservative rhetoric out of a fear of the “small minded bigots” researchers have reported today. 


Researchers warned that Conservative ideals all across England were far too high, adding that "if people listen to them too much, we’ll have a turbo charged Thatcher on our hands”.


In a week when Conservatives warned of a “fragmented society” and “seeing too many non-white faces”, it easy to see how Conservative levels can quickly get out of hand.


The researchers went on: “One day they’re talking about wanting to live in a country where people are properly integrated and the next they want immigrants shot for thinking about littering. There are whole swathes of society which are effectively no go areas due to twitching curtains, excessive Daily Mail panic and an almost fanatical obsession with housing prices and inheritance tax. These people just won’t integrate!”


The Conservative leader, Kemi Badenoch, has dismissed the research and said the UK is “doooooommmmeeedddd, doomed I tells you!”





After two weeks since UKIP MEP, Brexit Party MEP and the former Reform Ltd Welsh Leader was convicted of working for the Russians, taking bribes to push the Russian narrative in the European Parliament, Reform UK leadership have broken their silence, to the disappointment of the British viewing public who were starting to enjoy watching the BBC political programming without having Reform pushed down their throats.


A Reform spokesman denied that Nigel Farage, Richard Tice and Llyr Roberts, who was Nathan Gill's right-hand man in Brussels, were running shy of being questioned about the traitor within the senior levels of UKIP, Brexit Party and Reform.  'Far from it,' said the spokesman, 'they have been carrying out an in-depth investigation to find out why the Russians singled Nathan out to say the things they were readily saying, but paying him, not them.  


'Nigel for one is furious.  He's never knowingly worked for free,' said the spokesman.





The UK Government have confirmed that Police are to be given new powers to make up emergency laws on fly should situations require them.


“Too long have UK Law Enforcement had to suffer the indignity of constant scrutiny and retrospective analysis”, said Chief Constable Wonchingthorpe, head of the Police Union, “with these new powers we hope to set aside this culture of blame against our boys and girls in blue and enter a new era of trust and no further questioning.”


It is unclear the extent of these new powers but this could extend to many areas of life. For example, the Police can know stop and detain you for possessing, with intent to wear, bad trainers; distributing out of date memes; looking a bit rioty; tutting in a built up area; and unnecessary inflationary pricing of baked goods (sweet and savoury).


The powers are far reaching as our reporter found out by being arrested for having a sarcastic, moany tone of voice.




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