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Galloway irritated that he was collaborating with Russia before it was popular

George Galloway, detained by the UK authorities earlier this weekend, has released a statement noting that he was collaborating with the Russian before it was trendy,


“I was going back and forth to Moscow when it was Chernenko in the seat”, opined a visibly irritated Galloway to assembled Journalists, “All the Johnny-come-lately’s like Orban, Trump, Melloni make me a little sick. Where were you when the wall come down? Rocking out to Hasselhoff, no doubt.


He went to savage Nigel Farage, and in general the Reform party, of cosying up to Putin and Moscow now that Nationalism and Authoritarianism are trendy.


“Even one of Farage’s lot has actually got charged with Russian collusion to be the big man in front of his mates”, said Galloway with a tear in his eye, “at least I’ve be an ‘out’ stooge for years, you lot are listening to greatest hits, you’ve no idea of the deep cuts. I had a show on Russia Today for fuck sakes!”


He went on to snarkily advise his new colleagues to be very wary about being near windows in high rises if they know what's good for them.



Digital ID to include Clubcard points

The government has added more information to the proposed mandatory Digital ID that will include the name, address, phone number, and NI Number for each citizen and will be necessary for starting a new job and being fired from an existing one, whilst replacing the Driving License, Passport and library ticket at the same time.  Citizens will be able to pay their Council Tax, Income Tax, Car Tax, Water Rates, utility bills and library fines using the card, which will be linked to all their bank accounts, investments, Premium Bonds, Lottery account and anything hidden under the mattress.


'We're in talks with Tesco and other supermarkets to include Clubcard point, Asda Rewards, Boots Advantage points and M&S gold plated vouchers.  Waitrose are expected to launch their own Digital ID just for their own customers.  Lidl will not feature on the new ID unless and until the UK re-joins the EU, obviously,' said a government spokesman today.  'You'll even be able to pay speeding fines using your Nectar points, using the card,' he added.


The government insists that the new Digital ID will only be needed for being employed and the other 'bits and pieces' are 'just in case', but added 'good luck with surviving without one.'



Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'


Now that Arron Banks has taken back control of our money, Elon Musk has taken back control of our laws, and Russia has taken back control of our borders, it is time for Britain to do the most important things it will ever do.


Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs. As well as being swarmed by sea, someone in the Party has noticed that Britain is also being invaded through the air. The only way to prevent this is to change airport signs to say 'Our-rivals and Deportures".


These policies will come into effect from next Tuesday, despite Reform not being in government and only having a Jacuzzi-full of MPs.


Oh, and all litter bins everywhere across the land will have plaques on them saying 'Keep Britain Tiny'.


Reform communications officer, the BBC, said, 'We don't know why we are doing this. Everyone knows Reform voters can't spell.'


Image: WixAI

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