Reform receive enough bricks in the post to build a new HQ

The limited company masquerading as a political party, Reform UK, have announced an interesting side effect of their latest marketing campaign; enough bricks sent back via their freepost envelope to build an entirely new headquarters.

At a press conference, head of recruitment Jack Boots elaborated on the plan, telling reporters, 'It's been a great success. We expected to get people's personal information so that we could sell it on for profit to supportive media like the Daily Telegraph, or to any flag manufacturers. However, what's actually happened is people sending us building materials like bricks, gravel, and concrete. Once we'd sorted those from the glitter and potential anthrax, we found we've got enough for an office near Tufton Street, saving on journeys to receive our orders, I mean requests from ordinary hard-working alarm-clock Britons. We've had clearance to build on a brownfield site, and already had a surge of volunteers eager to help. To be fair, some had got confused over what brownfield meant, and we did have to refer a few of the people who misunderstood to the Police.'

Showing attendees plans for the new edifice, Boots explained the goal behind the aesthetic. 'It's harking back to classic London,' he remarked, 'but with modern provisions. We've added a direct tunnel to the Savoy to avoid embarrassing moments where Nigel's been caught walking to restaurants for an oyster lunch rather than being in Westminster to do mundane things like work or vote on behalf of his constituents. Also, while we've tried to keep a Georgian look, the building is made with modern regulations in mind. We were struggling with insulation, but we're able to fill the cavity wall with wattle and daub because as well as the bricks, we've received enough excrement in the post to make that possible.'

Image credit: Stable Diffusion

Is it a cold, superflu, or Covid?

Covid, flu and colds share many of the same symptoms, so telling them apart can be difficult. Here is our handy guide to what you’ve got:

• You need a day off for Christmas shopping – it’s a cold

• You need a week off for a break in the sun – it’s flu (unless you’ve already used that excuse, in which case it’s Covid)

• You need to get out of drinks with the awful people up the street – it’s a cold (although if you tell them it’s herpes, then you might get out of next year's event as well)

• You are Lando Norris – it’s all three, but you won the F1 championship anyway

• You are the PM – it’s Covid, and it’s all the fault of the previous Tory government

• You are Rachel Reeves – it’s none of these trivial illnesses. It’s probably the Black Death or psittacosis

• You are Michael Jackson – it’s monkeypox

• You are waiting in A&E – it’s all three, plus a bonus Hospital Acquired Infection

• You are an England cricketer – it’s none of the above, unfortunately. Maybe do some more practice?

Image credit: deep dream generator

Ukraine plot twist - it was all a dream

Keir Starmer and President Zelensky have agreed to use the Pam Ewing peace plan. With this plan, Russia withdraws to its borders, the last 50 years never happened, and Bobby Ewing becomes head of NATO.

Continuity-wise, this means erasing the Putin storyline, but Zelenskyy said he has no problem with that. The entire misstep of the provoking the Russians will be put down too much cheese the night before. The fever dream will allow the show to run for another season-at least until winter kicks in.

Critics have said that the Pam Dream Plan is not plausible, but supporters point out that neither was a Ukraine victory. Some say it is not canon, but Zelenskyy is not very keen on any kind of canon. Meanwhile, the Trump Peace Plan will be repurposed for the EastEnders Xmas special, where everyone dies.

Image credit: Stable Diffusion