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Nation's faithful weep for joy over appointment of new Archbishop


"It had been nearly a year that the Church of England was without an Archbishop of Canterbury and I thought that if the position were to be left vacant for a single more day, our dear nation would crumble into the sea," said 525-year-old Moira Bonkers of Fading Light nursing home in Broadstairs, shedding tears of pure joy onto her hymnal.


"But now God has wrought His wonders and we have a new incumbent on the Throne of St Augustine to lead all our souls to heaven," continued Bonkers, as church bells pealed inside her head.


"And I do so respect the Right Reverend Thomas Cranmer as a great moral and spiritual leader for our age," she added.


On being told the new Archbishop is not Cranmer but a former NHS bureaucrat who constantly wears a plastic laminated ID tag around her neck saying that her name is Mullally or something, Bonkers said: "Yeah, right. Like that's who God wanted  - Sarah from Personnel."




Don't Let's Be Beastly To War Criminals


Senior politicians have lambasted peace protestors for being terribly rude. Pointing out that someone is a genocidal maniac is not the done thing, and such gauche behaviour is bound to ruin the garden party and upset the vicar.


Their "un-British" antics are the equivalent of passing the cucumber sandwiches in the wrong direction, while taking a shit on the Magna Carta. Said one Minister: 'It's almost like these people were trying to draw attention to their cause.'


'How dare they suggest that Tony Blair is a murderer or that killing babies is wrong. That's just the sort of tactless behaviour I would expect from someone from a local comprehensive. Is it too much to ask that people show good table manners and ignore any International Arrest Warrants?"




Tories offer to get young people on Rwandan Housing Ladder


Speaking to a room of seats at the Conservative Party Conference, the shadow chancellor announced a merger of classic policies to create a new incentive; young people can buy a house by renting for a period, then having this count towards a discount on the property in the suburbs of Kigali.


'This generation dream of home ownership, but find all the properties in their budget have already been bought by landlords paying cash,' said the chancellor. 'Obviously, we don't want to upset those landlords as they're likely party members, and we gave so much money to the Rwandan government when we were in power that we figured this was a good way to maximise the return on the investment.'


Speaking to the press after the announcement, a party official elaborated on the idea, telling us, 'The young will love Kigali: the weather is good, the internet is fast, and the whole country has been genocide-free for at least five years. And if they get tired of life in paradise, then they can trek across the Sahara and Mediterranean, traverse their way across Europe, and pay a people trafficker to bring them back to the UK on a small boat.'




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