Bribe replacement service to replace gravy train over Christmas shutdown

Due to essential maintenance payments needed over the festive season, British politicians are going to be unable to catch the gravy train.  Luckily the government has arranged for a bribe replacement service to be implemented so that the grift keeps on coming.

The replacement service is available to local and national level politicians of all political parties.  A government spokesman insisted that all bribes are eligible for Grift Aid, meaning that the taxpayer will chip in 25% extra to any bribes, subject to the briber paying enough tax in the first place, which come to think of it probably means the taxpayer is off the hook on that one.

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Farage to be given advance notice of atrocities

Nigel Farage has demanded that terror organisations give him some notice before major atrocities so he can arrange to be near a camera. The Pound Shop Messiah has had a difficult few months, with an unexplained £900k house and an only-too-well-explained 10 year sentence for his top man in Wales.

‘We can’t have nosy journalists asking Nigel about his colleague working for Russia or a potentially dodgy house deal’, a spokesman explained. ‘So he’s been staying away lately. We’re down to councillors representing Reform on TV now. It was either that or Lee Anderson, and we had to reimburse the Beeb for all the crayons he ate last time’.

Reform strategists would like to keep Nigel Farage out of view until they can find a distraction, so the Bondi Beach attack was particularly poor timing.

‘Of course Nigel made a statement’, the spokesman said. ‘He loves a good terror attack. Bit of a shame that the hero of the hour was called Ahmed – we were hoping for somebody a bit . . . whiter - but still – them bloody Muslims, eh?’

Australian police are investigating all angles, including an unconfirmed rumour that the terrorists might have developed antisemitic feelings at Dulwich College, which reportedly educated a notorious antisemite in the 1970s.

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Spaceship approaching Earth is probably a comet, say aliens

Aliens who have been hiding in plain sight for millennia and controlling every aspect of human endeavour have broken cover to deny the spaceship named 3I/ATLAS is a spacecraft and is really just a comet. 

Unzipping his human exoskeleton to reveal his lizard body the leader of Reform stated clearly that any similarities between the comet and a spacecraft are coincidental and there is nothing to worry about, other than it being on a crash vector certain to wipe out all civilised life in about three month's time.

He also added that impact would absolutely confirm that Reform would be elected to lead the next government.

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