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Digital ID or trial by jury - you can't have both


In a Sophie's Choice between one beloved child and Kevin from Home Alone, the British public have to pick between 1000 years of unbroken civil rights or making Tony Blair filthy rich. Said one voter: "It's a tough one. Lose a corner stone of justice or make it easier to shop at Primark."


Removing jury trials would save an astronomical £31 million, whereas ID's only cost a mere £600million a year - that's fantastic news, as it gives us a saving of minus £569 million. "Yes, we could of irradicated child hunger from the UK for the cost of digital ID, but those kids can now get a full meal when they get wrongly imprisoned.


"Anyway, Magna Carta? What has she done for us recently?"



Compulsive Tory fibbers demand inquiry to learn what "the truth" is


"The government needs to set an inquiry immediately so that we Conservatives can discover what 'the truth' is," said a party spokes-Pinocchio.


"Sure, we'd like the truth about what was leaked before the Budget. That would be a good start.


"But more broadly, we'd be really grateful if a panel of vaguely honest people could explain to us what in the world these words 'the truth' are meant to mean.


"Years of serving in a party led by Boris Johnson, helping to explain away his daily torrent of fibs, has meant we've forgotten what it's like to hear an honest word when it's spoken."


"We wish we could help," said a spokes-forked tongued viper for Labour. "But we had even the vaguest understanding of the concepts of 'honesty', 'truthfulness' or 'integrity' crushed out of us by a decade and a half of being led by Tony Blair."



Voyager One ‘probably not coming back’, admits NASA


After reaching the milestone of one light-day in distance away from Earth, NASA has reluctantly admitted it thinks its ancient spacecraft might not return.


At a press conference a sullen and emotional Controller, Todd Verniczek, explained: ‘We at the Voyager Program are ready to accept what we previously could not; that V, Voyager One, is probably not… coming back.


‘We’ve been checking the telemetry every two minutes since 2012 when V entered interstellar space for deviations in course, but shoot, nothing. We send occasional touchy-feely kind of messages out there, like: ‘Hey! What’s up, big guy?’, ‘No pressure, Buddy. Just wondering if you wanna grab a beer back here?’ But nothing, nada.


‘We didn’t give V specific instructions to return, we just thought it would have a neat cruise around the solar system, buzz around the emptiness of space for a while, then drift back when low on gas. It would be full of stories, showing photos, we were going to make a night of it.


‘It makes me wanna puke when I see Musk and Bezos whoop-di-wooing because their la-di-da spacecrafts return to the same spot from where they were launched. Jeez, talk about rubbing salt in the wound.


‘We used to tie yellow ribbons around the platform after every launch, that was exhausting, but we always had hope. Now we’ve reached the point where V is one light day away, so we reluctantly baked a cake and sang ‘24 light-hours from Tulsa’. That was the hardest…


‘They say, ‘If you love them set them free,’ and they come back. We did, and V hasn’t. What a dumbass phrase. Our last message was, ‘There’s a seat at the dinner table waiting for you V. It’s no biggie, we just thought… you know… come home.’’


When asked by a journalist, “Isn’t Voyager Two on a similar trajectory?’. Verniczek replied, ‘Wait… what?’



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