Man weirdly insistent on people knowing he won’t be watching the Olympics

As coverage of the Paris Olympics ramps up, one man has also ramped up his social media presence to inform and educate the population at large that he definitely won’t be tuning in. Taking a delightfully contrarian twist, it turns out Mick Phillips won’t be watching the Olympics and has previously expressed distaste at other popular and well ingrained cultural phenomenon.

‘I’ve effortlessly pivoted from constant updates about how I won’t be watching the Euro24 tournament to broadcasting my complete lack of interest of the Olympics.’ Phillips announced.

‘The Euro 24 stuff was actually quite engaging, I made an observation about how it’s just 11 men chasing a ball; I think there was some social commentary as well when I referenced how much they get paid compared to nurses.’

When questioned on the obvious fuck-up in his maths, Phillips responded ‘There’s 22 players in total? Well... Just goes to show I definitely wasn’t watching.’

‘I’m not embarrassed by that.’ he repeated to himself, several times.

Although Williams was unsure what the overall endgame of his posts would be, that hasn’t discouraged him from posting his lack on interest in numerous online sporting forums and news sites.

When asked if they had a response to Williams’ disinterest in the event, one sports enthusiast responded ‘Mike Phillips won’t be watching? That’s fine, that was always allowed.’

At press time, Phillips was seen posting “Who?” in several articles about a ubiquitous, internationally recognised singer.

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I can't wait for the Olympics closing ceremony, says Kabul housewife

"Goodness, four hours watching that Olympic opening ceremony just flew by!" Umm Said, an elderly housewife from Kabul, told Western journalists.

"And they way they put drag acts into almost every scene and insulted the religion of billions of people was just so enlightened and diverse.

"I must admit that when I saw a naked, blue, fat man rise up from the table at the Prophet Isa's Last Supper and start singing, I thought I was having a fatal stroke and asked my husband to call the doctor and the imam.

"But he explained that all the queering and blasphemy involved were merely attempts by the organisers to make people all over the world feel totally comfortable and included in this Olympic experience. How thoughtful of them!

"Now that I am no longer terrified or offended by these Olympics ceremonies, I cannot wait for the closing one to come around so I can get to watch another four hours solid of gender-bending and mockery of people's beliefs.

"These displays are all so meaningful to people like me."

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List of projects Reeves will axe to plug budget black hole announced

The chancellor is set to announce immediate cuts worth billions of pounds, aimed at plugging a £20bn black hole in the finances, when she addresses Parliament on Monday. These include:

1. The Eton Mess Memorial Museum, set up by the Conservatives to celebrate the country's favourite dessert.

2. The Tunnel under Boris Johnson, planned to relieve pressure on the National Monument, is one of the infrastructure projects that could be halted to save money.

3. The Rwanda Migration scheme could be adapted to send Tory MPs who lost their seats for a few weeks break on Michelle Mone's Mediterranean yacht before they have to find new jobs.

4. Rishi Sunak's swimming pool will be turned into a new reservoir to provide clean drinking water to the whole country.

The Conservative Party said the state of the public finances was clear before the election. This is at least one thing on which everyone agrees.

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