Government to offer pensioners ‘winter pants'

The Government has accepted that withdrawing the winter fuel allowance will affect many pensioners.  Although it is adamant that the policy change cannot be reversed, it has, in a conciliatory move, announced transitional measures to help the worst affected.

‘Obviously,’ said a spokesman, ‘we would ideally help pensioners to insulate their draughty homes.  But this would not be affordable.  Our new policy approach, therefore, is to insulate the pensioners rather than the homes.

‘We will offer all pensioners two pairs of high-performance thermal under-drawers to keep them warm this winter, and for the next five years.  These garments are favoured by polar explorers and are colloquially known as ‘winter pants’.  We are providing two pairs so that pensioners can wear one pair while the other pair is in the wash.   If winter temperatures remain below zero for five successive days then this will trigger the issue of a third pair (requires internet access, opt-in, newsletter sign-up and Labour votes in local elections).

‘I’m expecting some dim-witted headlines about the policy being pants. My only comment is the failed Tory opposition had a portfolio of policies which were all pants.’

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Counting votes is so old fashioned, we just go on vibes

Self-declared winner of the Venezuelan Presidential elections Nicolas Maduro has allegedly declared counting votes as 'old fashioned', 'too complicated' and 'booooring', adding that he had won the vote 'mainly on vibes', and noting that there’s no point stacking Venezuela’s National Electoral Council with close allies unless you can get the result you prefer.

A spokesperson added 'President Maduro has been practising his surprised face for when the result is whatever we need it to be. We look forward to definitely not imprisoning more of his political opponents. And definitely not fiddling the election receipts so it eventually looks legit when we finally allow people access.'

Addressing American criticism of the obvious fraud, the spokesperson responded by saying, 'Oh yeah, how’s it going having Donald Trump as a viable candidate in 2024, despite, you know, everything.'

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Rachel Reeves says Wicked Witch had to make 'tough decisions'

The Chancellor said that the Witch was much maligned, and was working within specific financial constraints when she tried to kill Dorothy. Her spokeswoman explained: 'The fact is, the Wizard of Oz left significant debts, having insisted in making his city out of Emerald rather than bricks'.

Cutting off winter fuel payments to the citizens of Oz and privatizing the yellow brick road, were prudent decisions, Reeves insisted. Yes, she could have chosen to tax the ruling billionaire witch-class but they are wealth creators, unlike the gullible munchkins who voted them in. No, it was much fairer for her to wear the ruby slippers, rather than sell them off to lift the two-child cap.

Waving her broomstick Reeves cast a spell of Austerity over the land and threatened to send her winged monkeys after any protestors. Asked if she also planned to freeze disability payments, specifically for the blind. 'I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!'

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