Rioter inconsolable after different rioter steals all his bath-bombs

Nigel Evans, 32 from Hull, woke up on Sunday morning, excited for the day ahead.

‘I’d never done a riot before’ He explains ‘so I was buzzing all day. Really excited, you know? So anyway, fast forward to the event. I’d joined in with the guys, setting fire to a few bins, threw stuff at the police – I wasn’t completely comfortable with that bit. The others were throwing bricks, bottles – anything they could find. I still had a Ginster’s pasty from a petrol station we raided so I threw that. I felt terrible because it was still hot. Like lava those things are.’

As the day wore on, shops were ransacked, and libraries burnt to the ground. Then around three hours into the riot, it all went wrong for Mr Evans.

‘I can’t believe it. Everything was going great. We’d stopped off at Greggs for an all-you-can-eat buffet and then stopped off at Lush. I thought "Fantastic – I need some more bath-bombs.” So I got stocked up. I had to grab a bag to carry them all in but I left my 10p for that. Because of the environment tax, you know? Got to save the planet.

‘Anyway, further down the road this guy – Ken his name was – noticed I hadn’t set fire to any bins myself. So he offered to hold onto my bag of bath-bombs while I lit a bin-fire. When I turned around, he’d gone. I was gutted – I was really looking forward to a lovely hot bath and lovely soft skin.’

Mr Evans reported the crime to the police, and was immediately arrested.

‘I’m the victim here. I just wanted a lovely bath. It’s not the same in prison – they only have showers and that soap is impossible to hang on to’

Visiting hours for Mr Evans are to be announced soon.

Image: Pixabay/gefrorene_wand

Top 10 urinal whistling tunes revealed

Ever since mankind started to gather together to pass water, ritual whistling has always accompanied the activity. Traditionally characterized by inattention to melody and mindless repetition, the whistling is regarded by experts as a discreet male bonding process, and a way of soothing anxieties for those who find the practice stressful. But would-be whistlers have always been faced by a dilemma. What melody should they select?

Now a major plumbing company has commissioned top musical researchers to discover the most popular tunes whistled by male public convenience users. Using hidden microphones and music recognition software, the top 10 urinator-whistled tunes have been identified.  They are:

1: Moon River. This gentle melody sooths as it flows.

2: My Way. Sinatra-adjacent sophistication makes this the perfect personal choice.

3: Born Free. Another simple understated melody, perfect for the freestyle lone outdoorsman, too.

4: Michelle. Who says romance is dead?

5: The Monty Python theme: Gently humorous and nostalgic.

6: Wichita Lineman. Those repeated notes are so easy to whistle!

7: Handel’s water music. Playfully allusive.

8: Sailing. Another watery one.

9: Dock of the Bay. Channel your inner Otis!

10: Shake it all over: Surprise contender to end with.

Image: Pixabay/lhennen

Team GB excelling in sedentary sports

The early surge in medals for team GB has been delighting audiences during the first stages of the games when sitting down sports dominate. The UK has traditionally done well in sports where standing up is not required, such as sailing, cycling, rowing, and riding horses. Although recently we become better and won medals in leaning on a post shooting at things, falling into swimming pools and bouncing, so it’s not all bad news.

The medal count is expected to slow dramatically as traditional field sports dominate the timetable.

A spokesman for Team GB explained that, while we are quite good at relatively sedentary sports, when it comes to running forwards and throwing things other than bricks we fall behind other nations.

Image: Pixabay/Werni