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Writer's pictureNicka
Nov 8

104 year old man breaks athletic record that didn’t exist before



Sidney Breakin completed the Wimbledon Common Ultra 50km trail run in 9 hours, 28 minutes, beating the previous record for a centenarian by nearly nine and a half hours. The 104 year old, who only took up running thirty five years ago, was not just the first centenarian to beat the 10 hour bar, but also the first to register, participate, and run in the event


“I knew,” he said, “that if I showed up, there was a chance I would emerge the record holder for my age group.”


There was a slight delay in confirmation of the record as organizers scrambled to realize that no one over 90 had ever run the Wimbledon Common Ultra, which started this year, before.


Organizers were delighted that new best times were set in every age group. “This was the first event, so we were startled but delighted that records were seen across the board. It’s a real achievement and not in any way designed as a promotional gimmick to attract sponsor investment,” confirmed event founder Liz Barhmie, dressed in a rainbow design Uncle Bulgaria outfit.





eppursimuove
Nov 8

Liberal US celebs compete to be most upset at Trump victory



A number of liberal celebrities from both coasts of the US have taken to social media to outdo each other in how upset they are about Trump’s victory in the presidential election.


“I spent this morning holding Frasquita, my Latinx maid from Puerto Mexico, and reassuring her she’s gonna get through this,” said one well known teen pop star. “Though only from behind, so she could carry on cleaning the bathtub.”


“I just don’t understand it,” said a famous actor. “How many times have I posted on social media that people who vote for Trump are just, like, total douchebags? And it still didn’t win them over.”


Another celeb, who is presumably an influencer since she doesn’t seem to do anything else, said that until she watched the election night coverage, she hadn’t even realised how many other states there are between LA and New York.


”Though I guess it does explain why it takes so long to fly over them.”


All the celebs then issued routine threats to leave the country they “no longer recognise at the America we love”. A well known bookmaker quoted the odds of them actually doing this as slightly longer than the presidents’ faces on Mount Rushmore being transformed by wind erosion into the four main characters from Gossip Girl.



Writer's pictureDoctor Chutney
Nov 7

Channel 4 goes to its room and refuses to come out



In a fit of pique, Channel 4 has stomped off to its room and is refusing to come out for the next four years. Distraught at the US Election result the channel has refused to listen to any and all appeals for it to come back and play.


“It’s not fair. It’s just not fair!” could be heard as it rejected all entreaties. BBC1 admitted it did its best, but feeling pretty low itself gave up and headed for the nearest wine bar.


A spokesperson reassured fans of the channel that it would be back. “I’m sure we can entice it out if we promise to change our daytime favourite show to Countdown To Doomsday.”



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