Thieves target lorry full of wigs for comedic value

A lorry full of high quality wigs has been stolen, with police claiming a connection with the recent thefts of 22 tonnes of cheddar and 2,500 pies.

‘The thieves are stealing to order,’ commented the detective in charge of a unit set-up to tackle these crimes. ‘It’s a win-win for them. Wigs, cheese and pies all have a monetary value on the black market in themselves, but the value to any aspiring comedy writer is inestimable. We receive more puns than we do tip-offs.’

The detective confirmed they were receiving a number of reports concerning stolen Christmas trees. And requested any victims reporting such crimes, to please refrain from enquiring if it has the police stumped.

Photo by Taha on Unsplash

BREAKING: Boris Johnson rumoured to be about to make a speech that will not benefit him personally

As yet unsubstantiated reports are circulating that feckless self-serving buffoon, arch chancer and former Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, may be about to deliver a speech before Christmas that will see him stand to gain absolutely nothing from it personally.

One senior parliamentary correspondent, commented, 'We'll see, but I'd advise the public not to get too excited, here. It's never happened before and in my view still remains highly unlikely.'

This extraordinary story is currently breaking and we will keep you updated as and when we have any further information

Ford surprised to be joint winner of Turner Prize

Executives from the Ford Motor Company pronounced themselves surprised to have won the Turner Prize this morning.

Jasleen Kaur‘s installation “Sociomobile”, consisting of an early 1980s Ford Escort with a big doily on it, was announced as the winner during a ceremony at Tate Britain last night. 

'I don’t think any of us knew we’d entered this competition,' said Ford’s Head of PR Mark Nylon. 'But it’s hard to dispute that more work went into designing and building the car than making a big doily, or putting the doily on top of the car. So I guess this is mostly down to us.'

Kaur described the work as “exploring themes of memory, identity and subjectivity”, to which Nylon added “Er… sure. What she said.”

Meanwhile Elon Musk has complained that Tesla’s Cybertruck was surely more of a work of art than a Ford Escort, and should have won the prize.

“A Ford Escort was fundamentally useful. It represented the pinnacle of car design in its time, and millions of people used them to get to work every day. The Cybertruck would look ridiculous in any era, and spends more time being recalled by Tesla than being driven by anyone. If you want to actually get anywhere, you’ve got more chance with a banana taped to the wall.

“Surely it must be a work of art, since it’s bloody useless as anything else?”

Photo by Luca Hooijer on Unsplash