Leicester v Spurs ‘way bigger than Olympics’, insist Sky

Leicester v Spurs is still an absolutely huge match, and definitely worthy of an hour and a half of your attention, plus 2 hours of build-up, oh, and an hour of post match analysis, Sky has insisted.

The news comes after sports fans were found to have been gorging themselves for 15 days over the summer on a festival of free-to air world-class Olympic action across 54 different sports.

‘Yes, ok, so viewers have, apparently, been able to watch sportsmen and women striving to achieve their ambitions, all embodying the Olympic motto of faster, higher, stronger and treating the great imposters of triumph and disaster the same, blah, blah, blah’, sniffed a Sky marketing executive, feigning disinterest.

‘But,really, is watching Keely Hodgkinson majestically running down the home straight and destroying the field better than sitting through The Foxes’ season-opener against a bang-average Tottenham side, all for £45 quid a month? Really?’.

‘Simone Biles may have pushed the boundaries of what is humanly possible on a beam, and Leon Marchant may have ignited the games from the La Defense Swimming arena, convincing a sceptical Paris audience of the almost transcendental nature of sport at its best, but we didn’t have the exclusive rights to any of that, did we?

‘So please, instead of this interminable post-Olympic nonsense about the world coming together once every 4 years to share in something that is bigger than each of us individually, can we please just get back to hyping up what - even at this very early stage of the season - is undoubtedly a massive test for both teams, and which will tell us much about whether their pre-season ambitions are likely…

‘….oh, who am I kidding. Compared to the BMX Freestyle, this is dull as shit’.

Image: Pixabay/Kerem_Taser

ASLEF rejects offer of moon because 'stick not fancy enough'

The trade union which represents eastern train drivers and western cingulata wranglers is not satisfied, continuing to threaten an escalation in strike action, and armadillos everywhere.

'It's not about the money,' said negotiators who had just been granted a 14% pay increase. 'It's about management receiving more money.

'Our demands are simple and clear. We want sweeties, world peace, and exclusive access to the best rides at Alton Towers. Otherwise it will be chaos, carnage, and a refusal to put on our shoes.

'And if the moon doesn't come on a stick with floaty ribbons and jingly bells, then our members will do that thing where we lie on our sides on the floor in Tesco, scream like banshees, and propel ourselves in circles with our feet.'

Image: photo-graphe - Pixabay

'Campest crime ever' as man loots bath bombs from Lush

A rioter in Hull who used the civil disorder to loot bath bombs from a branch of Lush has been accused of committing 'surely the campest crime in history'.

John Honey (yes, really) was appearing in Hull’s Crown Court when the judge made his remarks.

'We normally find that men experience a surge of testosterone during situations like this,' said Mr Justice Gobshite. 'But not you, apparently. I suspect the closest you ever come to testosterone is sniffing other men’s underpants on washing lines. Probably drinking a babycham with your little finger in the air while you do it.'

'Frankly you deserve a custodial sentence, but I doubt even a women’s prison would take you.'

Sociologists also pronounced themselves baffled by his behaviour. 'We’ve been aware of toxic masculinity for a while, but this… we don’t have a name for this.'

After summing up, the judge sentenced Honey to be beaten about the head with a handbag, while wearing last season’s colours to make it even more humiliating.

Image: Wix AI