Phew, a small boat sinking that we can care about!

News editors and racists everywhere are readjusting to caring about a small boat that sank – the difference with this one is that it had white people on it – and as an added bonus, rich white people.

One newsman said 'When migrants or refugees drown, we can just shrug, because they're not really people, are they? They don't have names, they're just statistics and something for Nigel Farage to hate-wank about. But the sinking of this small boat is different. The British press haven't been this aroused by yacht deaths since Robert Maxwell.'

On the yacht was Mike Lynch. Lynch and Stephen Chamberlain were acquitted of fraud in June 2024, after selling their software company to Hewlett Packard. Later, HP had to write off $8.8 billion on the deal and their attempt to recover their losses by simply printing $8.8 billion of their own was foiled by a paper jam.

Lynch (on the yacht) and Chamberlain (in a road accident) have now both been killed. The timing of the deaths is definitely not suspicious at all. Hey, why is that HP printer ticking... I'm sure it's nothing to worry ab....

The HP printer printed out a picture of a bomb, before displaying a message that it had run out of magenta ink, but it could use the blood of its enemies in the meantime. Then it detonated.

Image: Pixabay/Tama66

"I'm having that" says King Charles after huge diamond discovered

King Charles has caused a diplomatic upset by asking the Botswana Government to send him a recently discovered 2500 carot diamond.

A spokesman for His Majesty has explained that in the past, when a gigantic precious stone was found, it would be presented to the British monarch as a matter of course.

"Where do you think the Koh-i-Noor or Cullinan II diamonds came from? Wolverhampton? If we only had stuff from Britain, the Crown Jewels would be made from cardboard wrapped in tin foil with opal fruits stuck on them. So, there's a clear historical precedent that valuable stuff found abroad makes its way to Britain."

Image: Pixabay/MECO

New Netflix show - “Tarty Women Fighting”

Netflix today announced the launch of a new scripted reality show, “Tarty Women Fighting”.

”In the past, we’ve generally packaged these shows in terms of prime real estate - Selling Sunset, Buying London etc,” said a Netflix executive.

”However, audience research has shown that the ‘selling big houses’ aspect of the shows was the part viewers were least interested in. If anything, they wanted to see more overly made-up women hating on each other, without the distraction of hearing about amazing views of the Hollywood Hills.”

Asked whether the tarty women would still fall out if they weren’t competing with each other in the cutthroat world of prime real estate, the executive said “To be honest, we’re not worried about that at all - something tells me just the sight of each other will do the trick. I mean, look at Made in Chelsea, The Only Way is Essex, or any of the Real Housewives shows. Those women do nothing all day but get their hair and nails done, but they still manage to fall out over something.”

Sadly, it seems the show now won’t be made, as the tarty woman who came up with the idea has fallen out with the one who’s just been made Head of Commissioning. 

Image: Pixabay/yousafbhutta