Starmer quickest PM to become grey haired old bastard

Usually it takes a full four years for a PM to look like a harbinger of death and Saga Holidays. However Starmer has gone full evil early on. Even John Major took a whole term to become that grey, and that was mainly caused by seeing Edwina Curry naked.

Margaret Thatcher lost body mass but gained a half metre of additional back-combed helmet. Tony Blair took decades to become an endgame Lich from Dungeons & Dragons. Johnson slowly morphed into a hairstack. Although, to be fair, Liz Truss did become a lettuce overnight.

Just because he looks 80, Starmer will not be eligible for the pensioner's winter fuel allowance. Although, ironically, no one else will either.

Image: Michellezallouaa - Pixabay

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Starmer addresses TUC conference - “Anything else I can do for you?”

Sir Keir Starmer today addressed the Trades Union Congress, asking them “Anything else I can do for you?”

He began by asking them if they’d enjoyed the recent huge pay raise for train drivers, before adding, “But don’t go thinking that’s the end of it. I’m sure we can find more money if there’s anything else you need?

“Because I’ve been looking at the benefits bill, and frankly I’m sure there’s a lot of fat we could trim there. This carers’ allowance for the visually impaired, for example - they probably wouldn’t even notice if we scrapped it! And even if they did, without a carer, how are they going to vote against us?”

He then retreated from the podium, repeatedly bowing and saying “Salaam,” taking care not to turn his back on the audience.

”Well I’m not happy,” said Dave Thugg of the Seatwarmers and Clockwatchers Union. “Not a single mention of that cheese sandwich I bought from Marks the other day that was a bit stale. Right lads, all out!”

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£22bn blackhole caused by your Nan using the big light

Alexei Sayle once said: 'Austerity is the idea that the global financial crash of 2008 was caused by there being too many libraries in Wolverhampton.' Well, in 2024, Keir Starmer believes that the UK's deficit is primarily down to nurses and teachers being paid too much. His tight fiscal restraints mean his £3bn a year to Ukraine will be paid for by all of us using thrift stores and making our own candles.

Oddly enough, tax dodging corporations and frivolous forever-wars are not a drain on the public purse, but your Nan making herself a hot water bottle, is. A Treasury aide said: 'We believe in trickle down corruption. All of those evil CEOs will eventually need to buy new socks, and the money from that can fund the NHS.'

'So please, cut back on non-essentials, like food. We could easily end the two-child benefit cap, if everyone learnt to cut their own hair and share bath water. Don't forget a Nan isn't just for Christmas, she is for all year round. Although, once we cut the winter fuel payments, she won't get to Christmas.'

Image: cattalin - Pixabay

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