Donald Trump ate my hamster

Sorry, not hamster, dog.

Sorry, not dog, dog whistle.

Very stable genius Donald Trump has attempted to make his claims about Haitian immigrants eating Ohio dogs appear slightly less insane. The clementine coloured crime committing conman clarified that he meant 'eating hot dogs', but forgot the 'hot' - in the heat of the moment.

Political junkie Piotr Polkowski said 'In Trump's defence... errr, I don't know.'

Trump also said immigrants were eating cats.

Polkowski noted 'Trump will grab pussy - we know that - but he cannot even imagine eating it. In fact, a second Trump term will see him try to ban women from deriving any pleasure from sex, because no woman has ever derived pleasure from having sex with him.'

'Ironically, for the other ban he'd like to enact, Trump is a one man argument in favour of abortion.'

Image: Lichtpuenktchen - Pixabay

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Promising new wonder-drug abandoned because its name was too easy to pronounce

Who's going to trust a drug called 'Cancer-gone', 'Alz-cure' or 'Stroke-fix'? These are obviously a con from some dodgy get-rich-quick pharmascam company. Especially if they're also affordable (just).

To carry any credibility, any real new wonder-drug has to be given an unpronounceable name - and of course also be utterly unaffordable.

So there are great hopes for recently-announced Fixanydiseasealmostinstantlywithnegligibleriskandabsolutely- nosideeffectsiscan, at £20M per dose, from the TitusScamedical corp., based in the Cayman Islands (entirely, of course, because the specific climate there is essential for this particular drug's production)

Image: Pexels - Pixabay

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'Don't bring me down' says artificial pillow stuffer

The fallout from a routine bedclothes replacement exercise has left several traumatised.

Husband and wife team Adam and Niamh were engaged in their weekly stripping exercise in the bedroom. The special manoeuvre did not go as hoped, and some were dismayed at how quickly things turned to sheet.

Witnesses lurking on the stairs described what they heard. Olivia, aged 9, said, 'There was quite a lot of sighing and some grunting sounds. But I don't think they were doing it right. At one point I clearly recognised the words "get inside, grab my ears, and stuff it right in the corners".'

Holly, aged 7, added, 'It was all a bit muffled in loud whispers. There was no doubt about "don't go soft on me... tuck it in properly this time". But then I thought I heard "I don't like it when you do it and I can see the dog".'

'Maybe it was tog instead of dog?' interjected Olivia.

'Oh yes, that makes more sense. We don't have a dog. They must have been doing it toggy-style.'

Olivia concluded, 'Anyway, they emerged from the bedroom flushed, with their hair in a mess, and looking rather... erm... quilty. Mummy turned to daddy and said, "I told you to cushion the blow". I suspect some sort of cover-up. And I don't think we can be expecting a baby sister any time soon, if you know what I mean.'

Hat tips to Titus and lockjaw

Image: InteriorLens - Pixabay

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