Nation scrambles to surround itself with moistened bread

Following the revelation that Kemi Badenoch "won't touch moist bread", bakers and garden centres have reported a surge in demand for a) bread and b) water sprays.

Ron Jenkins** of Clacton, speaking from behind a wall of Warburtons with a sprinkler system rigged over it, voiced the country's concerns. "If I'd known it was this simple to keep her away, I'd have done this years ago. I'm getting a few dozen loaves delivered each day now so I rarely have to risk going out. Unfortunately, I do have to visit the doctors after suggesting to Mrs Jenkins that I gave her baps a rub down with a damp flannel."

**Mr Jenkins is from 1976.

New social network “Bubble” launched

The launch was announced today of a new social networking site named “Bubble”.

'We’re aware that many people have been leaving Twitter/X since Elon Musk took over,” said Bubble’s CEO Jimmy Schmaltz, “citing the number of opinions they were seeing they didn’t agree with.

'Clearly there’s a gap in the market for a social network where people only encounter others with the same political views. And what better name than Bubble?'

Asked whether this didn’t limit the number of potential members, Schmaltz replied, 'Not at all - we envisage not one Bubble but many, along the lines of subreddits. For example, there might be a west coast Bubble, an east coast Bubble, a north London Bubble, and smaller Bubbles within them for Portland, Martha’s Vineyard, Hampstead… it’s really up to the users how much ideological conformity they want to enforce.

'But with any luck, it should be possible to go through life with no idea there’s anyone who disagrees with you, at least until the election results come in.'

Pressed on whether this wasn’t essentially the same as Fox News, speaking only to one narrow segment of the population and not caring that everyone else thinks you’re crazy, Schmaltz said that was just the sort of remark that would get you kicked out of the Silicon Valley Bubble. 

Photo by Marc Sendra Martorell on Unsplash

Syria enters era of peace and stability...just like Iraq

As the Assad regime falls, Syria is on the cusp of an age of tranquility, if by tranquility you mean years of terrorist conflict and indiscriminate mayhem. Said one Syrian: 'It's just nice to get rid of one psychotic dictator, so we can start on the next.'

Rebel forces quickly went about liberating prisons and freeing torture victims, to make room for all the prisoners they would have to torture. They refused to say if they would open slave markets like 'liberated' Libya, but pointed out that without slaves how would the next iPhone get built?

Victorious Hayat Tahrir al-Sham (HTS) promised an end to violence* *Terms and conditions apply. While the UK was asked why it now supported a terrorist group of religious fanatics, a confused Minister replied: 'We have always supported the US.'

Photo by Peter Pryharski on Unsplash