Man wins damages from shopping centre

Colin Fuddy, 54, from Tring, has won £90k damages from the Shady Trees Designer Outlet, an out-of-town retail shopping experience.  The case is a landmark in British legal history, and looks likely to change the face of shopping centres across the country.

The judge awarded damages after Colin proved that the Outlet had a damaging effect on men. Colin cited evidence from academic research showing that a man’s life is shortened by 7 minutes and 4 seconds for every hour spent in a shopping centre. 

Why is this 'retail experience' boring?   It is because the vast majority of the shops in the Outlet sell women's dresses, frocks, shoes, sandals, high heels, perfume, jewellery, dresses, diet pills, health food and dresses, and frocks. The only men's clothing is targeted at the under-25s and those who aspire to be under 25 again. Replica football shirts in sizes 2XL and above are never in stock.

The newsagent at Shady Trees closed years ago, so that bored men can no longer buy madly overpriced felt tip pens, or read magazines without having to buy them.  The gadget shops have closed and moved online.  The food outlets only serve girlie coffees and cakes, and tea is only available in tiny cups.  A man size helping of tea therefore requires the purchase of four tiny drinks at a total cost of £15.80. And the only place you can drink your take-away tea is next to the haven of calm and relaxation that is the toddlers ball pit.

Even the toilets are stressful. The male toilets only have two urinals, so you often have to stand right next to someone else and do relaxation exercises before you can let go.

So there is nothing for men to do while their wives and daughters shop. Women can effortlessly spend all day in the mall, living their best lives and having a great time.  For the accompanying men, there is no telling how long the shopping trip will last, and there is always the risk of an all-nighter, after a shopping centre lock-in.   Any men foolish enough to get involved in a trip to Shady Trees can, at best, look forward to paying for an expensive lunch, in a chain restaurant like Frankie and Jerry's, or the No.1 Authentic Bondi Beach Pizza Company.

Colin says that shopping centres must, in future, have regard to men's mental health and well-being and must make reasonable adjustments for men, in order to avoid further legal claims.  

Colin plans to spend his damages on his N-gauge model railway, and football memorabilia.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Starmer's suits, frocks and glasses are security risks

A spokesperson for number 10 has confirmed that the Prime Minister needs to accept bespoke suits, frocks for Mrs Starmer and mega-expensive glasses to reduce the security risks.

'If the Prime Minister was to use Specsavers then we would have to clear out the whole store and fill it with security personnel at huge costs to the taxpayer,' he said, explaining the rationale was the same as using a gifted box at Arsenal instead of clearing the whole of the home stands and filling them with security.

'And buying suits from M&S would be impossible, what with the Reform demographic shopping there.  We'd have to clear the store, Primark next door and half the security detail insist they'd have to stake out the Ann Summers' shop across the road just in case,' he added.

He denied Mrs Starmers' frocks were purely security concern related.  'The Chancellor has saved so much taking the Winter Fuel Allowance off pensioners she felt the PM was due a bonus.  Unfortunately, her idea of buying him football tickets, new suits or designer glasses were no-go, so she bought his missus a few fancy frocks instead,' he said.

Picture credit: Wix AI

European Commission to introduce trappings of democracy

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen told journalists today that she is disappointed with the lack of public interest in the announcement of the new Commission.

'Even the Guardian seemed to be faking its enthusiasm, and most other papers barely covered it at all. Whereas, you all get so excited when you elect your national politicians, even though they hardly have any power left. So we wondered if we could somehow make Commission appointments more like national elections.'

A journalist asked whether this meant Commissioners would be elected by the people in future, causing von der Leyen to splutter into her espresso. 'Gott in Himmel - you must warn me when you’re going to say something so funny! No, I meant the trappings of democracy, not democracy itself.

'For example, we thought we might have party political broadcasts, so the public could get to know the candidates. But we did a trial run, and no one could think of anything to say except ‘Well, he’s come to the end of his useful political life, but he’s a sweet old boy, and we owe him a favour - isn’t there some job in Brussels that wouldn’t require being awake in the afternoons?’

'So then we thought, rather than announcing all the new Commissioners at once during the day, we could announce them one by one during the night, with talking heads on every channel desperately trying to fill the time in between with empty speculation. This you would stay up to watch, ja?'

The system was trialled, and although many people said they planned to stay up and watch, most gave up and turned in about 11.30.

'So I never did find out who the new Commissioner for Cohesion is,' said one enthusiastic European citizen. 'Oh, an Estonian I’ve never heard of, how about that. Bliss it is in this dawn to be alive.'

Picture credit: Wix AI. (Mr Farage's submission was unsuitable)