Ambitious young Tories vie to be next leader but one

Amidst the hoopla of the Tory leadership competition, details emerged today of a secret competition going on in the background to be the next leader but one.

'Seriously, who'd want to become leader now?' said a floppy-haired young man from a public school background, who for the first time in his life wished to remain anonymous. 'Whichever poor sod wins will get rinsed at the next election and resign in disgrace. That's when the real competition starts.'

'Exactly,' said a young woman from an ethnic minority, but still the same public school background. 'Though I must admit, when I see Starmer cutting winter fuel payments to pensioners, accepting freebies from billionaires and confusing hostages with sausages, I do wonder if we might have a chance.

'Then I remember Rishi leaving D-Day early, and pretty much everything Liz Truss ever said or did, and I tell myself to stop being so stupid. No, I'll let someone else take the fall in 2029, then campaign to replace them.

'At this point, I think I'd rather be the next leader of Hezbollah than the Tories,' she quipped, prompting a furious reaction from Hezbollah denying that the two organisations were in any way alike.

Image: WixAI

Man City Settle Premier League Case for £100

In a shocking yet entirely expected development, Manchester City football club have settled all 115 of its alleged breaches of Premier League financial regulations for a £100 payment to the league and a promise to establish a community service initiative. At a hastily arranged press conference, a balaclava-clad spokesperson for the Premier League mumbled incoherently for approximately twelve seconds before fleeing.

A Man City representative then took the podium to express quiet satisfaction at the outcome of the case. ‘City Football Club are relieved that the recent unpleasantness is now concluded and that all fans can unite around Abu Dh... er … City in the side’s pursuit of further glory.’ City’s X feed was less circumspect, with a statement posted there repeating the phrase 'WE WON!!' 115 times.

The community service initiative will, according to a Club statement, involve the establishment of a program to help little old ladies cross busy streets in Premier League cities. City have promised to use the initiative to help ‘at least five’ elderly women. Ladies wishing assistance will need to complete a detailed online application form and submit a £200 non-refundable registration fee.

Reaction to the initiative among Premier League fans was mixed. When asked whether she planned to take advantage of it, Emma, 85, responded with a lengthy and colourful string of unprintable invective. Agnes, 79, took a more nuanced view. ‘I don’t need help crossing the street,’ she said, ‘but if someone wants to shove a United fan into traffic, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep.’

Image: WixAI

Customers disappointed by ‘The Labour Government’ experience

Following on from a disastrous Willy Wonka experience in the UK, and an equally unsatisfying Bridgerton event in the US, it would appear the public have now been let down by another themed attraction, ‘The Labour Party in Government’.

One disappointed visitor, Toby Williams, explained, “I voted for this when it was first proposed. A lot of promises were made regarding this experience but it looks as if we’ve been badly let down. The people behind behind this fiasco must be raking it in.”

Pensioner, Joyce Evans, told us. “I was interested to see the Environment display, but all I saw was some dodgy looking guy holding a solar panel and hyping up a heat pump. To be honest the whole thing left me cold.”

The organisers have said they make no apologies for anyone disappointed at what they are providing as they were forced into changes after inheriting costs from the previous ‘Tories In Wonderland’ event.

However, that’s unlikely to appease disgruntled customers. As a VIP patron, Lord Waheed Alli, put it, “I paid a lot of money to one day see this, a lot of money, and now I have, it’s a complete sh!t show!!”

image from pixabay