Box of Frogs hiding in Kemi Badenoch suit

The Tory Party leadership campaign was thrown into turmoil, as it was revealed one of the candidates was really a collection of hopping-mad amphibians. Happily spouting bizarre policies like reducing maternity pay or new mothers spawning in ponds, the frogs remained undetected, hiding among an equally insane collection of candidates.

The life-sized Kemi suit leapt about the stage, demanding civil servants be imprisoned and the finest flies to eat. She insisted she would make a great leader, when not hibernating, and would more plausible than Liz Truss - which is objectively true.

Asked if he thought he was less insane, Robert Jenrick replied 'Ribbit!'

Image: Wix AI

Unprovoked attack definitely provoked

When dropping bombs on another nation, it is hard to claim surprise when they reciprocate - as it is the military equivalent of hitting a hornets' nest with your peni$. Not so much a circle of violence, more like a clown punching himself in the face.

As the Middle East descends into open war, again...for the fourth time this week, one General complained: 'Their unprovoked attack follows our attack, in relation to their previous unprovoked attack, which followed on from us calling their Mum a $lag.

'There we were, minding our own business - committing war crimes - and BAM we get attacked! Why is everyone so sensitive? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go $hag your Mum. What? What did I say?!?'

Image: cagrikarip - Pixabay

Starmer denies boots are full

Despite criticism that he should stop taking bribes, Sir Keir has doubled down on his sense of entitlement, by demanding a tithe on designer socks and his pick of the fairest maidens from every village. Referred to as the Bottomless Pit, Starmer has the endless appetite of Scooby Doo, with the avarice of Scrooge McDuck. He puts the hobby into lobbying.

One donor complained: 'He believes any expenses claim is an invitation to an all you can eat buffet. I'm paying so much out in bungs, it would be cheaper just to pay a wealth tax.'

The rapacious PM, said everything he did was within the rules - the very same rules, he helped write. He insisted a bribe was not a bribe if you declared it, in the same way an affair is not an affair, if you live stream it. An aide explained: 'When he said he was hungry for change, he meant loose change.'

Image: Wix AI