Britain devastated by loss of… what was it called again? Where?

There was weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth in Britain today over the loss of some islands in the Indian Ocean, the name of which nobody can quite remember.

'The Naxos Islands, wasn’t it? No hang on, that’s the cheap classical CDs.'

'I think it was Paxos. Or is that the stuffing?'

'No, that’s a real island, but it’s in the Aegean. This one’s somewhere near Mauritius, apparently.'

'I think they said Chavos on the radio.'

'Chavos? I thought that was a nickname for Ayia Napa...'

Anyway, whatever the name, all were agreed that the loss of these islands was a mortal blow to Britain, and it would never be a glad confident morning again.

'This is nearly as bad as when we lost Hong Kong. Still, it’s reassuring to know it went to a good home, where its rights and freedoms are being respected.'

The conflict over ownership of the islands was dramatised in the famous Mauritian film 'Bring me the deeds to Diego Garcia'.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Insects say fewer sightings down to sick-note culture and working from home

A wet Spring and Summer have been blamed for the lack of many insects usually seen in British gardens. However, sources from the bugs themselves have blamed the workshy and a culture of working from home.

A furious butterfly, Neville, was pretty scathing about his fellow lepidoptera. 'Some of them just can't be bothered to get out of their cocoon. "Oooh, sorry, it's my agoraphobia", or "My knees play up something wicked in this wet weather." It means the rest of us are flitting from flower to flower, twenty-four seven, just to keep production steady. It's the butterfly effect.'

Susan, not her real name, a honey bee, told us amber nectar supplies were well below average thanks to her colleagues 'skiving'. "They know all the buzz words. If it's not Group B Strep it's Hepatitis B. What I say is take some Beechams and get your lazy thorax out of that hive!"

Ant colonies have not fared much better. We spoke to Ant, his real name, who blamed the pandemic. "We have a group of shirkers who were forced to stay at home, got a liking for working in their pants, and it's an uphill task now to get them to leave."

However, the most severe criticism seem reserved for mayflies. "Pond scum the lot of them." exclaimed a somewhat laboured water boatman. "Rock up for a day and then you never see them again."

Image: Wix AI

Elon Musk to stop hitting himself when his school bully allows it

Multi billionaire and massive baby Elon Musk has denied that his hair style is in fact a result of his head being flushed down the toilet by some bigger boys who ran away. As he was the victim of a bathroom-based crime, Musk has blamed trans people for his plight.

Musk announced he would go and live on Mars if Kamala Harris was elected, which led to a massive upsurge in donations to her campaign.

A statement read 'My diamond slippers are too tight. This is because the nasty Democrats think I should pay something called "tax". Clearly I should not have to pay any "tax". Donald says I don't have to, tax is for schmucks like you. Huge, if true.'

'I liked Twitter so much, I bought the company. But like any woman I date, it’s now an X.'

Image: rebbeccadevitt0 - Pixabay