Scientific brain break-through

Scientists have revealed the first wiring diagram for the whole brain of a fruit fly. This promises to revolutionise the field of neuroscience and pave the way for unprecedented insight into how the brain produces behaviour,

More importantly it will allow a timely input into the election of the next Tory leader. The leader of this breakthrough – Professor Branestawm – explained:-

“It has of course been scientifically proved that the previous 5 Conservative Party leaders could only muster between all of them less than the brain of a single gnat. However the challenge at the moment is that the combined brainpower of the current 4 candidates is less than that of an amoeba – and a particularly thick – sorry, intellectually challenged - one at that."

There have been some expressions of interest from the fruit fly community in standing as a potential candidate. When it was pointed out that fruit flies only have a life span of 40 – 50 days, a fruit fly spokesfly pointed out the Liz Truss precedent.

Image: Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

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Donald Trump finally shares his medical records

It is usual for US presidential candidates to share their medical records, to show that they are up to the job.

But Donald Trump’s medical records have been controversial, after it turned out that he had written his own medical report.

However, The Donald's office has now agreed to share his medical records, which are as follows:

1. Finest presidential brain in the world, ever, fact.

2. Most beautiful and resilient presidential earlobes, verified by Guinness World Records

3. Bestest and most patriotic golfing muscles in the Northern Hemisphere. And the Southern Hemisphere. Verified by The Donald’s golf coach.

4. Most prolific ever presidential shart (not independently verified)

Image: Joshua Chehov (@joshua_chehov) | Unsplash Photo Community

Israel’s day of atonement extended to full week

Israel announced today that Yom Kippur, the traditional Jewish day of atonement, will this year be extended to a full week.

'Officially, of course, we don't feel we've done anything wrong,' said a government spokesman. 'Israel's just defending itself, all the innocent lives lost are no different from the civilian casualties when the Allies defeated Germany in World War Two, yada yada yada...

'But when it comes to religion, we have to be a bit more honest. We don't feel G*d would fall for that self-deluding bullshit, since after all no human beings have either.'

As well as adding an extra six days of atonement, Israel plans to add some new prayers to reflect the modern sins the country has committed in the last 12 months.

'Repentance for working on the Sabbath, or coveting our neighbour's ass, won't really cut it this year. We need prayers that say "Sorry about bombing that maternity hospital, but it did look a lot like a missile silo, honest."'

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