Tory leadership candidates v Vegetables

Liz Truss famously lost out to a lettuce when measuring her tenure as PM and the Conservatives want to ensure any of the current leadership contenders will fare better when compared to a range of garden produce. Indeed, they don’t want to rule out the possibility of electing say a turnip if it can outperform any or all of the candidates.

There is also the question of whether they fare better in or out of a fridge. Boris Johnson tested this out, somewhat inconclusively, during the 2019 election campaign. Chilled or not probably remains a question for another debate.

For their part the Tory hopefuls have to prove they know their onions, even if they can’t outlast them and it all ends in tears.

Image: jackmac34 - Pixabay

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Carbon Capture involves holding in farts

The Government's flagship performative initiative to save the environment, entails a series of hiccup cures. A spokeswoman for Keir Starmer said: 'If every person in the UK holds their breath indefinitely, we can solve the carbon crisis and trim the electoral register at the same time.'

One scientist complained: 'Rather than cut back on fossil fuels or grow some actual...oh, what do we call them? Trees. Yes, that's it! Motherf$cking trees!!! The UK has opted to pump all farts into underground caverns, like a Goblin with IBS.'

The spokeswoman defended the

£24bn being invested in pretend science. 'Just stop sneezing, okay?' Will that help? 'Nope. But neither does fake carbon capture.'

Image: Photo by Daniel Dan on Unsplash

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Scientific brain break-through

Scientists have revealed the first wiring diagram for the whole brain of a fruit fly. This promises to revolutionise the field of neuroscience and pave the way for unprecedented insight into how the brain produces behaviour,

More importantly it will allow a timely input into the election of the next Tory leader. The leader of this breakthrough – Professor Branestawm – explained:-

“It has of course been scientifically proved that the previous 5 Conservative Party leaders could only muster between all of them less than the brain of a single gnat. However the challenge at the moment is that the combined brainpower of the current 4 candidates is less than that of an amoeba – and a particularly thick – sorry, intellectually challenged - one at that."

There have been some expressions of interest from the fruit fly community in standing as a potential candidate. When it was pointed out that fruit flies only have a life span of 40 – 50 days, a fruit fly spokesfly pointed out the Liz Truss precedent.

Image: Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

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