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BillClay
Oct 9

adidas launch new range of high-end School Sports Day equipment



adidas has a new niche range, catering for the excessively competitive parent market, and aim to rake in all that disposable income from the overzealous rich. Their depressed children, who they are trying to relive their lives through, can now bring the following items to their once-a-year School Sports Day.


The Spoon


Designed by NASA engineers, this wind tunnel tested spoon has aerodynamic improvements meaning it has 12% less drag than a normal wooden spoon. Made from carbon fibre and having further weight reductions using air holes, it weighs notably less than the substantial 9g of a standard kitchen stirring device. The deep, textured, concave “egg” containment area pushes to the limit what exactly the rules allow.


The Sack


Made from top of the range breathable materials, this lightweight running sack is a fusion of innovation and it’s hessian heritage. Designed for maximum comfort and speed, this grain bag blurs the line between high fashion and performance. The front face has an excessively large logo clearly stating what you think your money needs to be spent on. The reinforced rubber edging provides additional grip, and engineered mesh segments offer further talking points to the parents next to you.


The Bean Bag


A lot of inexperienced amateurs believe this is just beans sewn up into a bag. How wrong they are. Using silica spheres contained in a Kevlar flexible outer casing, this item is peak sports. Peak. Whether being placed in a hoop or dropped just before a finish line, this is what capitalist greed brings to this special day.


adidas said it didn't expect to introduce additional items for the dad race. 'We can't compete with the string vest, over-tight shorts and broken pumps look,' a spokesman said today.



eppursimuove
Oct 9

Liverpool player pulls hamstring by kicking ball



Liverpool FC were today faced with injury problems to their new star South American signing when he pulled a hamstring by trying to kick the football.


‘I found myself in the opposition box, with the ball,’ Guacamole Nacho told reporters after the match. ‘I was about to throw myself to the ground, like we practiced in training, but I noticed the goalie was out of position and I thought “What the hell? Why not just score a goal?”


‘I know it’s unusual here, but to be honest, at my old club we did this all the time.’


Unfortunately, whilst the club’s players are highly skilled at hitting the ground and rolling to avoid injuries, all the time feigning terrible injuries which miraculously get better the moment they’re awarded a penalty, it turns out that kicking a football requires an entirely different set of muscles.


‘We’d have to completely rethink our whole training programme, warmups and stretches if this ever caught on,’ said the team’s physio. ‘Luckily the other players all saw what happened to Guac, so I can’t imagine they’ll ever try it themselves.


’This is why we don’t recruit players from the local population. Give them a chance spend months off work with an injury but still get paid, we’d never have 11 men fit enough to play on a Saturday.’



Writer's pictureDoctor Chutney
Oct 8

Envoy For Nations And Regions - Sue Gray’s new job explained



Sue Gray has quit her role as the Prime Minister’s Chief Of Staff and has walked straight into another job, that of Prime Minister’s Envoy For Nations And Regions. Ms Gray explained that when this Government swept to power they promised change. “I’m changing job already, so promise kept, for a change.”


She went on to explain more about her new position. “I am an envoy. A Government representative sent from upon high to venture out amongst the nations. The Six Nations, the United Nations, and, above all, the very vital doNations.”


About the regions, however, she was less clear. “I will certainly visit the abdominal regions. For a lot of colleagues I have always been an immense pain in the side.”





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