Hurricane which devastated 'Orange State' failed to harm bigliest Orange

Officially known as the Sunshine State, Florida also attracts the nickname 'The Orange State'. Although many assume it refers to vast crops of fruit grown there, this is not so. Largely because multitudes of hurricanes created by Democrats barrel across Florida each season, devastating the sweet citrus spheres prior to harvest.

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The real reason it is referred to as the Orange State is due to the growing numbers of papaya-shaded interlopers replanted there from other States. Many natives say that the invasive species will one day completely cover every golf course in Florida.

The main target of the Democrat hurricanes is the King of the vibrantly coloured bulbous globes, who is once more sadly missed this year. On the other small hand, orange futures look bright.

Image: Pixabay/ralfskysegel

Businesses say rise in Employers National Insurance will trigger huge price rises

Cheesed-off business leaders have started a campaign against the increase in employers NI that is likely to be in the budget later this month.

One fat cat told us, ‘If our costs go up, then we will have to put our prices up. A big mac could hit five quid. Tea in a National Trust café could hit six quid. Scones could be a fiver each. It’s not going to be pretty. This will fuel inflation and cause a wage price spiral that could see Russia invading Moldova and the melting of all the arctic ice.

‘Luckily, there is still time for the chancellor to see sense, and to decide to cut benefits for work-shy dossers instead. If she could see her way clear to doing that, then we can happily keep paying for government ministers to have smart new clothes, designer spectacles, gig tickets, and Premier League football boxes. Simples.’

Image: Pixabay/geralt

The happier you are, the lovelier your parps smell

Ground breaking research from the Institute of What You Want to Hear has found that contentment directly influences flatulence aroma.

Lead researcher on the project, Professor Diane van Windowsup confirmed, 'This is not merely a correlation between two unrelated factors, there is a direct cause and effect between happiness and flatus fragrance.

'If I may explain this in more sensible scientific terms, when one botty burps, those caught in the field of tang will appreciate the scent more if it emerges from a place of joy. Conversely, if the source of the gas pass is miserable, then it will pong like a dead cat in a bucket of sick.

'For many years, some have laboured under the misapprehension that diet is the most influential factor on perfume quality from anal broadcast. This is not so. The most important factor is the level of pleasure one is experiencing at that time.

'What this means is, if they who has dealt it also extracts delight from the sound of a rectum ripple, then the more they revel in that aural glee, the greater the positive outcome on the savour scale. It's a circular feedback loop of improvement, and also a chain reaction mechanism which can spread to others like a jolly virus.

'There is one note of caution, though. Things should not be pushed too far, so to speak. If in all the jubilation there should be a follow through event, then that can lead to a negative bouquet scenario. This then increases the danger of a downward spiral of discontent mixed with unfavourable stench, or "perfume gloom".

'But to end on a positive note...

'Oh my dear. That's what we refer to in the trade as a silent but violent. Fetch the Fabreze, Fiona.'

Image: Pixabay/Jill Wellington