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Writer's pictureWrenfoe
2 days ago

Santa under fire for using drones

The skies over New Jersey have been filled with weaponized little helpers. Rather than a traditional sleigh, Santa has out-sourced his job to a branch of the Pentagon, with the codename - Slay Shells Sting, Are You Listening.


The drones are programmed to drop parcels down the chimney if you have been good, and Semtex if you have been naughty. Test runs have already been done in Gaza, but according to the CIA everyone was on the naughty list.


Americans were alarmed to see the drones, but not so alarmed as Rudolf, who only then found out he had been sacked - Xmas sacked. Said one General: 'Its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together for two, but it's also a perfectly clear sky for a surgical strike on your nearest and dearest. Come dasher, come dancer, come FIM-92 Stinger.'




Writer's pictureJeremynh
3 days ago

UK debt grows like Topsy in madcap Labour pantomime

Pantomime season kicks off this week with Labour's production of Jack and the Beancounter at Westminster Children's Puppet Theatre.


Village idiot Jack (played by head puppet Keir Starmer in a wooden performance) swaps a cow for a beancounter (played by Rachel Reeves, who says she counted lots of beans at HBOS, but didn't really).


To gasps of admiration from her fellow village idiots in the cabinet, Rachel builds a pile of debt for the UK which soars high into the sky, almost going into space. She also creates a magic tax which is meant to cause working people no harm but which forces businesses to lay off staff and drives the UK economy into recession.


"I will save Britain, children!" says her bitter rival, Deputy Fairy Godmother Angela Rayner, clicking the heels of her magic Lord Alli stilettos.


"Oh no you won't!" scream the children in response, "because you wouldn't have the first idea of where to start."


Look out for David Lammy and Wes Streeting as the two ugly sisters, and a cameo performance from Baron Hard-Up, who says to millionaires in the audience: "You wouldn't want to grow MY debt pile, would you? I've got a shedload of alimony to pay, dash it, and no one's been buying my memoirs because they're so rubbish."


The Labour government pantomime will run until well after Christmas, getting less funny with every passing day.




Writer's pictureThrongsman
3 days ago

US to become world leader in Black Death

President Elect Donald Trump's nominee for Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr is planning to make America Sick Again, but in a good way.  'Everyone knows that sick means great,' a spokesman for the nominee said today.  To that end the Health Secretary wants to eradicate polio by scrapping the vaccine.  'How is polio supposed to go away if we insist on injecting it into every person in the country?' asked an expert trained in You Tube and Twitter (AKA X, AKA the money pit).


Plague, Black Death and HIV are also expected to be reintroduced, mainly because they statistically affect the poor and the unwashed, otherwise known as now unneeded Trump voters.  'The odd incurable disease is good for the Affordable Care Act budget, mainly because it doesn't cover archaic illnesses,' said the spokesman.




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