Streeting: Unemployed to be given Brazilian Butt Lift

Following on from the weight loss jab, the unemployed will also be given their own personal butt-cushion to aid with office work.

A Health Spokesman declared: ‘The greatest barrier to people rejoined the workplace, is the lack of appropriate furniture. A good butt augmentation will mean comfortable seating, a really big gluteal Implant means we can do away with the chair altogether. We want the unemployed to get off their ar$e, so they can get back on their ar$Ee. Ideally the perfect employee will be skinny, with an enormous butt and lip fillers – so they can kiss ar$e.

‘And If you are serious about your job, we suggest you also consider breast augmentation – regardless of if you are male or female -because, without a desk, you will need somewhere to rest your keyboard.’

Dodgy moment during Clarkson heart operation as the surgeon’s hand slipped and Jeremy’s nose lit up.

Jeremy Clarkson was rushed to hospital this week. The journey took longer than usual as the three paramedics insisted on building the ambulance in his kitchen, then travelling via a rope bridge over a swollen river in India.

The procedure took three hours; 30 minutes to fit the stent, and 2 ½ to  actually locate a heart.

The hospital authorities say he is doing well and sitting up in bed, enjoying the hospital food, after punching the nurse that brought it to him.

Musk bribing voters, complains Lobbyist

The billionaire owner of the social media site previously known as Prince, has decided to offer swing state voters $1m to overlook Trump's combover. Lobbyists are furious that he has undermined democracy, as that was their job: 'He's doing it all wrong, you're supposed to bribe the politicians. If we start bribing the voters, they might actually benefit for once.' When asked, most voters took a jaundiced view of the election: 'It's all a scam, but at least this way we get a cut.'

The $1m lottery means there is a remote chance of voters getting rich, as opposed to when Trump gets elected, where there is zero chance. Under American election law it is illegal to pay for votes, although ironically American voters have been paying for theirs for the last 200 years.

By contrast, Harris has refused to bribe voters with anything they might want. Her spokeswoman insisted: 'There's no need for lobbyists to pay voters - when politicians are so cheap.'

Photo by Rosie Kerr on Unsplash