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Writer's pictureThrongsman
Oct 30

Tommy Robinson plans on early release

Fine upstanding member of the community Tommy Robinson, imprisoned just for repeating a libelous allegation that had been ruled against previously, believes he will be released early under Labour's imaginative approach to imprisonment.  'Quite frankly, we're amazed he wasn't released as he reached the jail front entrance for time served in five-star hotels in Cyprus,' said a spokesman for Mr Robinson.


Tommy had fully expected to defend himself to the hilt and his supporters had donated millions of their hard-earned benefits to give him the chance to do so with expensive lawyers, fast cars, champagne bottles as befits a working-class man but instead decided to bank the donations and 'do some time' while it earns a nice bit of tax-free interest.  'If Keir can see his way to providing a nice 18-month reduction in his sentence it would be appreciate,' said the spokesman before kicking holy sh!t out of a group of reporters.




eppursimuove
Oct 29

“No win, no fee” lawyers for slavery reparations

Delegates at the recent meeting of the Commonwealth Heads of Government were surprised to find their welcome packs contained advertising for a legal firm offering to help them get reparations for slavery on a “no win, no fee” basis. “Was your country affected by the slave trade?” says the leaflet from Chancer & Shyster. “You may be entitled to compensation!"


"My nation was an economic basket case,” the leaflet quotes one former client, who preferred to remain anonymous, “mostly due to massive corruption which I did nothing about making it impossible for people to earn an honest living.


“I never imagined that something that happened centuries ago would be the answer. But Chancer & Shyster got me such a huge payout, it should hide our economy’s fundamental problems for at least a decade or two. And after that, they say I can probably get more compensation for… I don’t know, climate change or something. It really is the gift that keeps on giving!”


“I didn’t think we’d be eligible for compensation,” says another satisfied customer, “since my country is where many of the slaves were taken from. Those of us who live here now may well be descendants of people who sold their fellow Africans into slavery. But it turns out that doesn’t make any difference - we can still call ourselves victims and get the cash. Thank you Chancer & Shyster!”


A footnote at the bottom of the leaflet says that regretfully, even though Arabs enslaved more Africans than Europeans did, they are unable to help with claims against Arab nations, as people they send there to present these claims tend to return with vital body parts missing.




Writer's picturemcdabble
Oct 29

Labour puts taxes up to avoid tax rises

The Budget will embrace the "harsh light of fiscal reality" but "better days are ahead", Sir Keir Starmer has said in a speech ahead of Wednesday's announcement.


Speaking in Birmingham, the prime minister said his government would take "tough decisions", opting to impose austerity on the public in order "to prevent austerity and rebuild public services". He also announced £240m aimed at getting people back to work. This is expected to work by paying employers more to get people into work, before taking more tax off the employer for the work.


In its general election manifesto, Labour promised not to increase taxes on working people - as opposed to increase taxes from working people. However, the pledge has recently come under renewed scrutiny with the party's first Budget in 15 years expected to contain measures which could see taxes go up in order to keep to the pledge that taxes will not rise.




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