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Writer's pictureMidfield Diamond
Oct 31

Surreal Madras boycotted Ballon D’Or over Tesco Dave snub

Somerset Sunday League team Surreal Madras FC have admitted that they didn’t attend the Ballon D’Or celebrations in Paris because they felt that their captain and midfield enforcer Tesco Dave was overlooked for the main award.


Supermarket worker Dave Stone was beaten to the award by Manchester City’s Rodri, demonstrating a ‘lack of respect for this country’s best Sunday morning footballer’ according to Surreal Madras FC representatives. ‘Tesco was brilliant for us all season, and only got sent off once which was for sarcasm after asking a bespectacled ref if there was any point in him wearing glasses’.


Surreal Madras boss Steve ‘Nutter’ Chester was similarly unsuccessful in the manager category, although he did get more votes than Erik ten Hag.




BillClay
Oct 31

Jeremy Hunt really concerned where that £22 billion went

“It was all there where I left it. I even wrote a little note that said, “Here is a lot of money”. It really is terribly worrying that this inexperienced chancellor, whoever his name is, has lost it all. When I left, fully expecting to return after a massive Tory election win, I thought I would carry on with all my good work. There was a total absence of economic black holes at that point, my plan was to lower taxes and give gift vouchers to everyone. Weird.”


He then tutted and shook his head. “I mean to lose all that money in such a short period of time is terrible, I think they may have pulled a full Truss so to speak”, an aide then whispered something in his ear, and he then muttered, “She was on our side?”




Writer's pictureDoctor Chutney
Oct 30

Election for Village Idiot too close to call sensibly

As the race to become the next Village Idiot of Upper Stoke Amberley enters its final week seasoned Idiot watchers are saying this could be the closest contest yet, with both candidates delivering a series of brilliantly asinine speeches and presenting their supporters with muppetry of the highest order.


At the beginning of this two ass race it seemed foolhardy to bet against Don Toupee, a simpleton whose manifesto promise was to drive out non-native, invasive plant life from the village. The confidence in his success was due in part to his then opponent, the current Idiot, J B Dribbling, having his idiocy seriously questioned over time. The tipping point was a debate where he made a serious of rambling statements, some of which bordered on the sensible, and that disqualified him from the contest.


His replacement was the Deputy Idiot, Kamalana Ding-Dong, a lady chucklehead intent on proving women can reach levels of foolery to rival any man. Her claims of growing edible words at the bottom of her garden gave her an instant poll boost, and the bookmakers slashed her odds. Her inane public prattling since seems to have backed up that confidence in her chances.


Whichever loon the good people of Upper Stoke Amberley vote into the Odd Shaped Office, the contest gives the residents a good chuckle or three. As one villager put it, “Been a good one this time round. Two absolute numpties. Haven’t laughed so much in ages. It’s a shame our political elections aren’t like this.”




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