Long hair now a bigger threat to the environment than plastic or climate change warn experts
Scientists at the University College London say that long hair has become a far greater threat to the environment than plastics, climate change, deforestation and soil erosion all put together.
A professor at UCL said the department had been studying the devastating effects of lank long-hair on the environment since watching the first two series of Keeping Up With The Kardashians nearly 20 years ago.
“Yes….it really is that serious a problem….we actually watched series two of the Kardashians.
We lost some of our best scientists as a result but there was no other way….somebody had to do it. There are times when research can be a cruel taskmaster…..whether it be witnessing the liberation of Belsen or the Cambodian genocide programme…..such horrors are hard to deal with even for the most experienced of scientists.
But the Kardashians, series two…..I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy…..on reflection maybe that was asking too much.
“The Kardanisation of our population has created widespread problems for the environment” said the scientist leading the study team.
“From turtles thinking the hair is rotting seaweed to birds thinking it is a juicy slug and feeding it to their young …the infestation of long, straight featureless hair is the greatest threat to wildlife in the UK since the Royal family learned how to use a shotgun.
The shampoos, the hair gels, the conditioners, the hot comb, the blow dry, the creams , the sprays…..they coat the hair with an impenetrable toxic veneer which has a lifespan of over 200 million years.
It cannot rot down, it can survive radiation and nuclear fallout, it can survive forest fires and floods. Once it has been washed, shampooed, had conditioner applied, blow dried and then straightened there is no known way of disposing of it.
The hair is even in our gut…ranging in size from a small discreet toupee to one of Cher’s hairpower wigs…it’s now in our everyday food…..not just McDonalds and KFC anymore”.
But for some people the long-hair pandemic has been a life saver.
Essex plumber Bob Jarvis says he’s never been busier and the blocked drain business across the UK is booming.
“It used to be fatbergs clogging up the drainage system: said Bob "….but now it’s long hair….those lumps of congealed fat, huge balls of putrid waste along with animal waste filled with sanitary towels and used condoms are a nightmare to deal with…..give me one of those old fatbergs any day”.
