top of page
Search
Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Dec 3

Children to use flag semaphore instead of phones.



In a crackdown on mobile phone usage, students will have to use traditional forms of communication – such as a fax or a typewriter tied to their wrist.  Phones are an unwelcome distraction, in marked contrast to having a carrier pigeon stuffed in your blazer. 


A spokeswoman confirmed: ‘We don’t want students reading or writing on their phones, to divert from reading or writing. Mobiles create low level disruption; whereas as someone leaping up and down with hand-held flags and paddles is stimulating.  Semaphore allows colourful social communication – plus the child gets a good workout.’


Agreed one teacher: ‘Rather than let students text each other, I just encourage them to shout out ‘oi’ whenever they want. It’s more discreet. Students need the confidence to put down their phones and fashion a stylus out of their own excrement. It’s about developing writing skills – like graffiti. And, at this school, having read the toilet cubicle wall – I can confirm that ‘Dave iz a bender’.’




If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Writer's pictureChrisF
Dec 2

Magic crystals ask to see hard evidence of Ronaldo's 'talisman' credentials



Rings, stones and charms with magical powers have asked for some documentary evidence to support football commentators' constant claims that particular players are the undoubted talismans of their teams.


The news comes after a proliferation of so-called talismans at the 2022 World Cup, with concerns that any fertility-enhancing or personal protective powers of the mysterious objects are being watered down by their constant association with earthly characters such as Ronaldo or Gareth Bale.


'Ronaldo is a decent player and all, and his stepover is certainly something that can generate momentary awe and admiration', said Mike McBride, a 300-year-old amulet sniffily. 'But can he fend off evil, and repel snakes and scorpions by merely existing? I think not'.


'Lionel Messi and Kevin de Bruyne may be able to bring a dull game to life with a moment of deft skill and raise the performance levels of those around them on the pitch through an almost osmosis-like process', continued McBride.


'But as far as we're aware none of them any accredited courses to progress through our professional standards framework and reach approved talisman status. They're cowboys, pure and simple'.


In other news, footballers said to be 'putting in a shift' at the World Cup will be expected to submit detailed timesheets to back up any claims that have been made about their prodigious effort and application on the pitch.



First published 2 Dec 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Dec 1

UK volunteers to be placebo control group.



The Government’s medical advisor has poured scorn and infected mucus, over the data produced by foreign scientists.  Insisting that the UK adopts a herd immunity, to go with their lemming-like voting patterns. 


‘The rest of the world has been drinking the Kool-Aid, while we’ve been licking the doorknob of life. Stiff upper lips are 100% resistant to viral infection, as they effectively block the airwaves and recede the chin. You may ask, do we know something that others don’t, but I can assure you we know nothing. We laugh in the face of a pandemic, while sneezing in the face of conformity.’




If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























bottom of page