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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Sep 19

Ivanka replaces Cersei as everyone's favourite Queen Regent.



The G20 summit was surprised to find that Ivanka Trump had assumed the mantle of President of the United States and Protector of the Seven Kingdoms (all except Mexico).  The similarities with Game of Thrones are remarkable; with one Queen replacing a despised man-child, who has all the self-restraint of wart-hog on methamphetamines and the other being Cersei Lannister. Ivanka is said to be an intimate of her father's inner circle but she has always denied such a euphemism.


Meanwhile Donald Trump had absented himself to meet with the Indonesian leader and to 'meat' with Miss Indonesian. This left Ivanka making executive decisions for the US, committing all G20 leaders to buy her Summer-range and an evening of canasta with Jared Kushner.



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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Sep 17

Raymond Briggs apologies for murderous ‘Snowman’ remake.







Critics, on the whole, have reacted negatively to the inexplicable plot, the absence of a flying scene and the sight of dismembered women. The remake sees Michael Fassbender play a bemused boy, who discovers that his Xmas pal has embarked on a grisly killing spree. Wrapping a pink scarf around an ominous-looking snowman, the boy brings the snowman to life; only for this frozen psychopath to start slaying reindeer.


Similarly, the film’s PG rating seems optimistic, given the sight of so much blood and Val Kilmer's withered snowballs. Children of a nervous disposition may a prefer a more family-friendly movie – like Jo Nesbø’s ‘Fungus the Head-hunter’, a loveable character, whose job it is to scare people…before butchering their families.





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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Sep 15

Emergency plan for Boris’ death on hold and 10-mile-long conga line cancelled.




Street parties and signs of national jubilation have all been delayed, not because of lockdown, but because Boris survived. Retorted one aggrieved worker: ‘I’ve had my daughter under lockdown for the past month but now he’s out, she’ll have to stay there indefinitely.’


Now that Boris has resumed his day-to-day duties, death rates to the coronavirus have increased, pretty interns have returned to family planning, but nurse groping has gone down. The UK had struggled, having had its leader in a vegetative state – incapable of work or rational thought; so, when he went to hospital, that had made a welcome change.



 





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