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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Dec 16

Nobody but nobody missing Nativity Plays this year.




While outwardly consoling their distraught wannabee ‘Mary’, all parents are secretly delighted not to have to sit through two hours of mind-numbingly bad drama. Most were said to be happy to avoid the pretence that the performance was anything other than dreadful, only to maintain their child’s fragile artistic ego and hopes of one day going to RADA.


There would be no fixed grins and inner boredom, while listening to rhyming narration.  Nobody would have to fashion a sheep costume out of a blanket and an industrial packet of cotton wool. There would be no half-arsed carol concerts and Panto can get in the bin.


Even teachers are secretly relieved not to be involved, said one: ‘Normally we’d have had the Gospels according to Matthew, Luke and Stanislavski. But Covid restrictions meant that Joseph could not be present at the birth. The Angel Gabriel was self-isolating. The stables were shut along with the rest of the hospitality sector. And a bubble of six could only include the Wisemen or the Shepherds, but not both.’


Jesus was asked to comment: ‘To be honest, I’ve never been a fan of theatre.  Can I just have a birthday cake instead?’






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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Dec 15

Retired Doctors to be frontline vs Coronavirus, because they’ll die first.


 


The Health Department has hit upon the novel idea of putting those with weakest immune systems at greatest exposure to Covid-19; thus, cutting in half doctor’s pensions. The scheme will see retired doctors return to work, for the sole purpose of being sneezed on.


A COBRA spokeswoman explained: ‘We plan to defeat the virus by simply tiring it out. If we keep throwing old people at it, it will eventually get bored and wander off.  We are calling it the ‘Gammon Wall’. And if it works, we’ll all get to inherit early.’





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Writer's picturestewartbarclay
Dec 14

Banking reforms mean cocaine and strippers are back



A City Trader snorted a line of cocaine from a stripper's cleavage before noting that having a former hedge fund manager as PM meant financial deregulation was inevitable.


'Rishi is removing protections designed to prevent a repeat of the 2008 financial crisis so that we can learn nothing and do it again. Yay! The City of London is like The Purge now and we know the government will bail us out with zero consequences. Well, zero consequences for us. By the time we've siphoned off our cut to the Cayman Islands - tax free obvs - there will be nothing for public services for you plebs. I've always thought there were too many public libraries and social care was too well funded anyway. Plus Rishi can make sure whatever scraps we leave only go to the most affluent areas. He said so himself, in public, on camera. Ha ha. Legend.'




First published 14 Dec 2022


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