top of page
Search
Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Mar 25

Melissa McCarthy denies links to Witch-hunt


While initially pleased to see her name trending on Twitter, the respected Emmy Award winner was appalled by the negative connotations that her surname was generating.  It turns out ‘McCarthyism’ is not as zany or madcap as first thought and, if anything, is a real downer when it comes to lefties with pointy hats and a broom.


Her agent said: ‘Recently my client Googled her name and was shocked to discover its links to political skulduggery and Andrew O'Neill. Melissa would like it known that she has never blacklisted anyone or seen Libby Proctor dancing with the devil.'


Confusion over surname-isms is the primary reason why we see so few rom-coms starring Joe Nazi or Mary Beth Antidisestablishmentarian. In other news, the deceased Senator, Joe McCarthy, distanced himself from the film ‘The Happytime Murders’.


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Mar 24

Leather elbow patches give teachers Covid immunity.



Studies prove that thanks to prolonged exposure to snotty children have built up an immunity to viral infections.  Teachers are able to go to work, seemingly without ill effect, other than their usual dead, soulless eyes.


A spokeswoman for the Prime Minister explained the absence of PPE: ‘Mr. Johnson does not believe in protection – just ask the child support agency.’  Unlike those dying of Covid, teachers cannot get ill – except during school holidays. Even if they do die on the job, technically: ‘It’s their own time they’re wasting’.


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Mar 21

Noam Chomsky - the Anti-Semite's Anti-Semite


Thanks to renowned Nazi-hunter and Man Utd fan, Rachel Riley, the notorious racist Noam Chomsky has finally been outed. Too long has he been terrorizing the world with his support for freedom, human rights and his controversial objection to genocide. Chomsky may have been a force for good with his 100 books, 40 degrees and founding of the field of cognitive science; but only Riley has saved thousands of lives by counting up relatively small numbers without the aid of a calculator.


Remarked a celebrity friend of Rachel: ‘It took a brave person to stand up and call the winner of multiple peace prizes an Anti-Semite. It was particularly brave to do it without the benefits of evidence or a good libel lawyer.’

 

Mr Chomsky famously supports all free speech but is fairly indifferent to ‘Nine out of 10 Cats does Countdown’.  Asked if he was racist, Mr Chomsky said 'no'; but he is a linguistics expert, so it probably had some clever double-meaning. Chomsky’s own Jewish family were unavailable for comment because they were too busy laughing.


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























bottom of page