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Writer's pictureNewsbiscuit Editorial Team
Mar 31

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month Competition March 2024




Those who experience Newsbiscuit by dipping into the odd post on Twitter or Facebook, or by wandering onto the home page may not be aware we run a monthly competition to discover the writer of the month. As part of the competition round-up we post all the articles posted in the previous month along with all the headlines and also the winning cartoon of the month on a blog.


Enjoy a walk through the March 2024 monthly round-up - all the articles are hyperlinked. If you have a favourite Newsbiscuit author you can find all of their work co-located together. If you think you can do as well, or even better than the writers listed this month then consider joining - it's free and we're a supportive bunch.


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Deskpilot has topped the leaderboard (again) with a brilliant set of headlines plus a not too shabby run of FPs and NiBs.  SteveB has kept the pressure on and eppursimuouve brings up a creditable third place.


As usual the hyperlinked subs are at the top of the list, in author alphabetical order, followed by the March cartoon of the month, followed by the headlines listed in author alphabetical order.



apepper



Chipchase



david2468



Deskpilot



eppursimuove



Ian Searle



Jack the Quipper



jbpage



Jeremynh



Jim Skinz



McDabble



Modelmaker



sketchedbyboz



SteveB



SteveB & Ashbery



stewartbarclay



Suburban Dad



Sully



Throngsman



Walter Eagle



Wrenfoe



Cartoon of the month is Budget secrets explained by Modelmaker


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth     

        

Hamas wins Rochdale by election

Andrew to be photoshopped out of Royal Family

Proposed Rochdale Primark to stock suicide vests


apepper      

        

Paperless NHS controversy as they start with the toilets


Ashbery 

             

BBC considers ground force offensive against Pyongyang

Gaza receives first U.S. airdrop of Mexican aid workers


bigbadbob         


Critics slam “Girl with a Pearl Earring” as dull sequel to “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”

Doctors to follow Holby City, only Casualty to remain, as art imitates Tory NHS funding

Katie Price double bust

Tory PM manages to make Downing St announcement without resigning


Deskpilot      

     

A&E admissions fall 'unconnected to McDonald's IT outage'

After San Diego triumph, Katie Boulter expected to win Wimbledon

Boeing chief exec defenestrated

Diane Abbott: Tory donor was rude about me 30 times, no, 3000 times, no, 3 million times

Fight or flight? Ryanair customers can have both!

Gynaecologist targeted by smear campaign

Investigation begins as 12.15% of Russians fail to vote for Putin

Kate doctored royal photo to edit out Primark trainers

Prankster admits clockwork car plan is a wind-up

Qatar offers to host Winter Olympics

Scientists breed featherless duck with no downsides

Scottish summer time delayed until June

Spectacle thief robs victims blind

Staggering increase in people who walk erratically

Striking print union members revert to type

Teen's decision to quit Facebook causes mixed emoticons

Thames water bills must rise or dividends will dry up

Ukraine to change flag colours after losing legal battle with Lidl

Wine maker says grape juice is a must

Worktop company starts counter fraud investigation


dominic_mcg   


11 year old BMW driver was pulled over when police noticed him using indicators

Oncology Department tells patients “we’ll treat you like royalty”

St George’s cross? He’s f*cking furious


Granger


New sign on Cabinet Room Door, No Tools Left Here Overnight.


Hokeyloki         

  

Correction: Lee Anderson is now a Reform MP, not a reformed MP

Crap cricket team gets all its ducks in a row

Palace admits Paddington tea photo may have been faked

Putin cracks down on Western music by launching State-approved app, Despotify

Spoonerism quipsters all ready for Psalm pun day


ian searle    

       

Jeremy Hunt follows Super Tuesday with Mediocre Wednesday


Jack the Quipper            


School offers photo with "just the pretty young teachers" for Dads


Jim Skinz   

         

Houseowner accused of flat-shaming poorer neighbour

Irritating sun-cream seller says he was just rubbing it in

Surveillance of dog kennels is dubbed a Snoopy's charter

Thief who stole ton of laxatives last year is still on the run

UN Security Council calls for immediate ceasefire in Tory Party


Joe        


‘Cyber Flasher’ had floppy disk

9 out of 10 dentists recommend going private

Baby born on flight incurs several Ryanair charges

Cops comb Combs’ home

Eid fast approaching

Local nonce strongly denies being a Tory

Low inflation affecting Bouncy Castle Hire

NHS puts the stoppers on the knocker blockers

Tik Tok winding down


Lockjaw       

       

Israeli Eurovision entry is reprise of Boom-banga-bang

Onanist stays in bed all day on Palm Sunday

Steve Harley of Cockney Rebel gets booking from God: 'Come Up and See Me (Make Me Smile)


mcdabble     

     

Bank Man not Freed

Chef borrows recipe then returns the flavour

Frank Hester donates massive scandal to Conservative Party

Gaza famine only counts at night, says Israel

'Giving Up' listed as most popular UK pastime

Government Law Makers Step In to Clarify Offside Rule

Home Insulation Targets laid out in Government's New Draft Plan

Pope Revives Great Catholic Tradition of Pandering to Fascism

Starmer Bans Humous from Labour Party

Stirring up hatred is to be made a crime only if its done anticlockwise

Tory plan to tax hope, unlikely to raise significant revenue, say economists


micca  


Conservative Party classified as extremist under new definitions


Mick Turate       


Boat Race crews say they just went through the motions this year


Modelmaker     


Drivers astonished by how much faster their M25 journeys have been today

Kate urged to join #Me Too movement after reports of being touched up

Waiting list for prison places now almost as long as NHS waiting list


rogerg  


Hull undertakers expecting police to have a stiff talk with them


ron cawleyoni  


Army to allow beards, Hipsters fear conscription

George gets the cream

Grant Shapps himself


Sir Lupus      

      

Tories not prejudiced about colour of money


Sketchly       

       

Sexual orientation acronym longer than alphabet


SteveB 


Biggest Tory Party donor, Frank Hester, buys immunity from racism

Lib Dems and Greens 'not crazy enough' for Rochdale

McDonald's not lovin IT

New Oscar category includes Sweatiest Performance

Northern Irish shocked at news they have a political system

Rishi Sunak declares war on his war on motorists

TikTok replaced by baboons flinging sh!t at a pig's breakfast

UK housing policy detached. From reality

UK receives first emergency aid air drop from Gaza

Vladimir Putin offers one of his body doubles to Kate


stewartbarclay


Gove namechecks both Judean People's Front and People's Front of Judea

Hazard lights mean I can park 'wherever the f*ck I like' reveals school-run parent

Oppenheimer blows away Oscars

Russian Presidential Election: Putin practising his surprised face


Sully     


Wheat farmers bracing themselves for Theresa May retirement


Titus     


Baltimore bridge suffers hardship

Bloody giant redwood trees, coming over here and absorbing our carbon dioxide

ISIS claim responsibility for Special Terrorist Operation in Moscow

Photoshop applies for royal warrant

Port of London fears closure if Oxford (or Cambridge) hits Hammersmith Bridge

Wales & Italy, as ever, are way ahead in Six Nations Choral Contest


Will       


Sunak: Entitled Lunatics Seizing Control of UK



Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Mar 31

Classes of 15 possible, if pupils stand on each other’s shoulders.




The government unveiled plans to reopen England’s primary schools by teaching classes with one huge child or fifteen very small ones.  Other ideas being considered to maintain the ratio of 1 classroom to 15 students include using hide and seek as a lesson plan, registering pupils as pot plants or counting toilet-cubicles as classrooms.


Teaching Unions have expressed alarm staff and students will return with only a school lunchbox strapped to your head as protection from Covid-19.  They dismissed the idea of standing students on each other’s shoulders, cunningly disguised under a teacher’s robe, as a plot device taken from the Beano.


Meanwhile, private schools are going to struggle to maintain the 15 to 1 ratio, as it will mean increasing their class sizes by 10.  By contrast your average primary school has a ratio of 1 teacher to every 15 staff vacancies. 


Explained an Education spokeswoman: ‘If you have an average of 30 children per class, divide that by the 2 classroom assistants that you can’t afford and multiply it by zero f$cks we give about school funding, then you get the reason I sent my kids to Eton.’


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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Mar 28

Easter ruined by spoiler


The Archbishop of Canterbury has come in for criticism by parenting groups for repeatedly giving away the ending to the series finale of ‘Jesus - Master of Illusion’.  Disappointed followers of the story - or ‘Christians’ as they are described on fan fiction sites - have dismissed speculation that the final chapter reveals that either the butler did it or that it was all a dream.


Fans of the Bible franchise have complained that the conclusion to the season has been leaked online. Worshippers had been left on a cliff-hanger or cross-hanger, with Our Lord stuck in a right pickle after a series of mishaps involving a Pontius Pilate, an Easter bonnet and a carpentry blunder.


Despite requests from the author, sections of The Bible have been leaked on social media - with hints that a major character will be killed off or devoured by a dragon.  Explained one confused witness after an Easter service: ‘First there was John Carpenter who was cross about something and later was crucified for making ‘Ghosts of Mars’.


‘His meal was called the Last Supper because he disappointingly gave out no chocolate eggs nor left a tip. He was then betrayed by Long John Silver for 30 ‘pieces of eight’ and knifed by the Easter bunny in the garden of Gethsemane. Then, Peter's showed the Roman's his cock three times but was only given a formal warning.


‘After he died, he spent the night with a seal in a tomb.  Which meant that he could respawn on the Boss level and go to the seaside for a fish’n'chip supper. Then he went up to heaven – just like David Bowie - but with less lighting and awards. Although, how any of this relates to the Christmas prequel – ‘Love Actually’ - God only knows?’


Further confusion has been caused by the claim that Jesus did not die for our sins but, instead, was modelling for a currant bun. Some fans were left disappointed by the rather lame ‘deus ex machina’ – resurrection plot line: ‘I wanted to know how the whole bunny, chocolate, crucifixion thing all tied together. It all seemed so incongruous, but I was anticipating some incredible narrative crescendo. Instead, I’ve got what? A melted Kinder Egg and splinters.’


The show’s creator, ‘The Creator’, has promised surprises aplenty: ‘We’ve still got a few twists left; can Judas ruin the egg hunt and where does Santa Claus fit in? Of course, there’s still the big reveal – Darth Vader is Jesus’ dad.’   



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