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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
May 16

ITV admit Chlamydia Island spin-off not so popular.




Contestants on ITV’s flagship reality-show, have struggled to adjust to life without cameras but with an embarrassing itch in their nether regions. One particular hot-tub session has resulted in a warm cocktail of bacteria, two unplanned pregnancies and a new form of aquatic sloth.  


They expect ‘Love Island’ to soon become ‘Baby Island’, followed by ‘Shotgun Marriage Island’, concluding with the inevitable ‘Bitterness and Regret Island’. Said one reality star: ‘After one DNA test, followed by three months of NCT classes with the reluctant father, that was a little bit too much reality for me.’


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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
May 12

Covid Marshals will become vigilante superheroes.




The only super-power they will have, is the ability to squirt hand-sanitizer from a tube concealed in their shirt sleeve and shout ‘Avengers Assemble’ – as long as they are in groups of six or less.


Rumours that bats started the virus in the first place have led to local councils squandering cash on a large bat signal. They had toyed with the idea of a distress beacon depicting a Chinese bio-chemical weapons lab, but in the end every felt more comfortable blaming the bats.


Marshals will be mild-mannered citizens by day but by night they will become masked avengers, bravely asking you not to sit too close together in the park. Every Marshall will be permitted one arch-nemesis, but only if they are from the same household. Explained one potential vigilante: ‘I did have a side-kick but he’s self-isolating now. It turns out spandex leggings are no substitute for a good mask.’





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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
May 10

Double whammy for the music world - Nicki Minaj retires & Mugabe dies


People around the world are in mourning, as one of the world’s most iconic authoritarian figures is gone. Also, Robert Mugabe is dead. Mugabe was a giant in the music industry, producing such classics: ‘Maggie’s Farm…is now a collective’. ‘Don’t believe the hype-inflation’ and the cover version of Malvina Reynolds timeless ‘Little boxes – stuffed with ballot papers’.


Ironically the lives of Minaj and Mugabe mirrored each other, with Mugabe breaking the yoke of oppressive colonial rule and Nicki dissing Lil Kim.  Said one music journalist: ‘Ge lived under an aging, white-minority regime, a regime that exploited others, was ruthless and took all the wealth for itself. A bit like being one of Madonna’s backing dancers.’



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