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May 24

Spice Girls’ concert hit by sound problems – fans could hear them.



Fans at the Cardiff's Principality Stadium have complained that the pop divas were clearly audible throughout their performance.  Said one fan: ‘I didn’t pay £100 to hear a cacophony of noise, I came to see what financial desperation coupled with Botox looked like.’


Many teenagers were carried away to have their ears syringed and their memories erased. Said one traumatized eyewitness: ‘Initially I heard a shrill, high pitched noise – not dissimilar to a masonry drill – but as the noise continued, it dawned on me that the band were trying to harmonize. There was something garbled about ‘zigazig ah’ and then to my horror I realised that those were actual lyrics.’



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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
May 21

The 70s is sick and tired of your bitching.




In fact, the 70s is so confident that they can eclipse 2019, they are happy to put the Wombles in a cage fight with Peppa Pig. Remarked one mulleted, bell-bottom wearing, Led Zeppelin groupie: ‘Oh yes, woe is us, with our worker’s rights, home ownership and jobs that pay a living wage. We may only have three TV channels, but they’re all good ones. You can have your HS2 – we’ve got roller skates!’


So, when journalists talk about politicians dragging us back to the 70’s, ask yourself - do you prefer Bowie to Lil Pump, would you rather watch Morcombe & Wise or Corden & Horne? Said the late Oliver Postgate: ‘When Bagpuss told you to go to sleep, you went to sleep, you didn’t spend all night sexting your school friends on Twitface.’


Explained David Cassidy's Mum: ‘Not only did we have the only good Star Wars movie. We may have been obsessed with Space Hoppers but at least we didn’t elect one as our Prime Minister.’ In the words of the Bay City Rollers: ‘Bye Bye Baby & Shove It Up Yer Jacksie.’




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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
May 19

Covid hiding in your 5G antenna, with Lord Lucan.





Revealed one steadfast conspiracist: ‘It’s all a hoax. Remember the Millennium Bug? Nobody caught that through unprotected sex. HIV was nothing but an elaborate scam in the 80s, designed to sell prophylactics and ruin Rock Hudson’s career. So, I refuse to wear any form of protective clothing. Now, where did I leave my tin foil at?’




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