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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
May 31

Glastonbury sells out after the news there will be face-painting.



Booking lines have been inundated, with festival goers hoping to experience the once in a lifetime experience of having a sparkly butterfly drawn on their face by someone with a GCSE in art and a business degree from LSE. Fans have not been put off by the cost of tickets (£248+VAT), as they are attracted by the unique opportunity to see a guy with dreads walking on stilts, and jugglers of every ethnicity. 


Not only is Glastonbury the world’s largest green-field festival, it also boasts the longest game of Pass the Parcel. About 200,000 people are due to attend the festival at Worthy Farm, making the queues for the Punch and Judy tent particularly long. Festival goers can expect to have unprotected sex with a range of mime artists and win a party bag filled with poppers, just not the kiddy-friendly kind.


Organizers admitted it did resemble a toddler’s birthday party, but the only jelly being eaten would be by Sir Paul McCartney – due to problems with his dentures. Tickets sold out in just over half an hour, as soon as the rumour broke that there might be a bouncy castle. Said one attendee, ‘Normally it’s just boring old bands, but this year there’s going to be balloon animals!’


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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
May 28

Stan Lee to be brought back for Stan Lee II.




Regardless of dying, at the ripe old age of 95, movie executives already have plans afoot to resurrect Stan Lee, for as many times as is profitable. Grieving relatives have committed the decaying remains of Mr. Lee to a six-figure movie deal – where he will have the opportunity to fight The Hulk and the smell of mothballs.


Explained one director: ‘Stan is one of our most successful franchises. And as such, we plan to dig up his festering corpse, put him spandex and thwack the hell out of him.   Research suggests that the 18-25 male demographic want to see an atrophying corpse, provided we can put some breasts on him. His superhero name will reflect his nearly departed state; either The Caped Decomposer, The Masked Putrefaction or John Humphrys.’






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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
May 26

Top UCAS points required to get Oxford Vaccine.





The British public have been disappointed to discover that their A level results may not be good enough to qualify for a Covid vaccine. Pushy middle-class parents are said to favour the Oxford vaccine over the Luton Polytechnic vaccine. The Luton version has 100% success rate but has zero chance of leading to a job in the city.


Said one student: ‘I got three A’s, which meant I could qualify for medical school, but I failed to get through the Oxford University entrance exam. So, I’m good enough to invent a vaccine for Coronavirus but not good enough to get it.’ Countered an Eton graduate: ‘I only got GCSE Metalwork, but papa is on the board of trustees. So, not only did I get a place at Oxford, a champagne bottle full of vaccine but, in four years’ time, I get to be Chancellor of the Exchequer.’


One interesting development is that Oxford are guaranteed to win this year’s boat race, as the Cambridge team will all be on ventilators. Meanwhile Oxford Brookes denied trying to peddle a knock-off version of the vaccine, said their head of admissions: ‘We are not part of Oxford University, but we are technically in Oxford. Therefore, this test-tube filled with urine may not be a vaccine but it is technically vaccine coloured.’




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