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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jun 23

Facemasks? Either its Coronavirus or everyone wants to look like a dental hygienist.



With two confirmed cases, it is only a matter of time until everyone is dressed in a Hazmat suit and coated hand sanitizer. For those who cannot afford the full regalia, they will need to make do with a flimsy dust mask and a worried expression.


The key benefits of a sanitary mask is that it can also filter pollen and cover-up any unsightly teeth. It also promises to save on lipstick, shaving costs and allows you to look like Dick Turpin. One profiteering PPE seller commented: ‘And this mask allows me to cover my big, shit eating grin.’



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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jun 18

Hamilton audience discovers ‘hip hop’ for the first time.




Fans of musical theatre have completely lost their ‘sh$t’ after being exposed to sounds from the 20th century and the notion of ethnic diversity. Many audience members are reported to have been astonished by the concept of rhythm or that a musical does not have to involve cats; said one: ‘It’s was like Dr Seuss but with drums!’ 


Cleaning up at the Olivier Awards it won awards for the ‘Best Musical thankfully not involving Andrew Lloyd Webber’, ‘Best revival of a sound from the 1980s’ and ‘Best civics lecture on an obscure piece of American History you really didn’t care about’.


Explained one of the backstage team: ‘Musical theatre audiences wanted something edgy, something contemporary – so naturally we went for the 18th century. Anything later, would have been seen as too much, too avant garde; a bit like John Barnes on ‘World in Motion’.




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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jun 16

Government to clap for hospital car parking charges.




The Prime Minister has said we need to show our appreciation for the unsung heroes of lockdown, those who are profiteering from the suffering of others. Clap for the embezzlers, the gun runners and the loan sharks, all those who saw a global pandemic and then saw an opportunity to turn a fast buck. Alongside tax breaks, these racketeers will be given knighthoods and access to the virus vaccine – and not the fake one that will be given to the public.


The phrase ‘key worker’ is to be replaced with ‘crook’ and instead of an enamelled badge, they will be given actual…what do call it?...you know, that papery stuff…the things you use to buy things with…MONEY!...yes, that’s it, money. Those who had clapped for the NHS will not see their meaningless gesture go to waste, the kinetic energy from all that clapping has been siphoned off by private energy firms, delivering dividends to their shareholders. In turn, while you were out clapping, the Government nipped round the back of your house and stole your lawnmower.


Said a No.10 spokeswoman: ‘We applaud all those who have taken not given, those who have raised our rent, cut our wages and spiked our drinks. We want to give something back, to those who have already creamed off 10%.  Those who have seen an evil virus destroying lives and thought – ‘I can top that’.’

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