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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jun 30

 Migrant NHS staff clapped – clapped in irons.




A spokeswoman for the PM said: ‘Obviously Boris wants to express his support and what better way to do that, than awarding them with a commemorative badge saying, ‘Go Home’. This will be followed by the ceremonial firing of nurses out of a big catapult, over the Channel, back to where they came from.


‘It’s not that we are ungrateful, we’re just uncaring. To be honest, I’m just clapping to keep my hands from getting bored’.


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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jun 27

MySpace tragically fails to lose 12 years of U2 albums.


The once popular platform launched the career of the Arctic Monkeys – for which it has never properly apologised. Having lost a huge amount of online data, MySpace has admitted that they have completely failed to wipe out the musical abominations like of Alvin & the Chipmunks and James Blunt. Said one Executive: ‘The server migration was a perfect opportunity to erase decades of embarrassing photographs and Damien Green’s search history. Instead, we still seem to be stuck with U2 - the herpes of the music world – which is arguably as grating as Andrew Lloyd Webber played on a vuvuzela.’




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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jun 25

Maybe if you were more interesting, people wouldn't interrupt.


Social scientists have revealed that 80% of all conversational interruptions are not due to some elaborate power-play, but are caused by the speaker being mind-numbingly tedious. Repetition, lack of coherent sentence structure and halitosis are listed as the main reasons that people interrupt; although the top one remains, an irrational fear that the conversation will never end.


In one particular case-study, friends of Morwenna Rowling (36), attested to stopping her from talking no less than 40 times a minute – often using imaginary appointments, fictious childcare or actual wildfires as an excuse to leave.  The only other person to have recorded more interruptions is Emily Maitlis, every time she talks to a Labour MP.


Explained one scientist: ‘Rather than end up in a Kafkaesque chat, concerning your health and the state of the weather, why not freshen up your repartee with a joke or have an actual point to the conversation? Too often people forget that an inner monologue should be inner for a reason. If you like white noise that much, write a blog or listen to Piers Morgan.’


A confused Morwenna said: ‘I thought people were ignoring me because of a pervasive patriarchal culture of misogynistic hegemony, maintained by a rigid class structure of institutional prejudice and hierarchical bigotry. But it turns out, I’m a bit of a bore.’




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