top of page
Search

Queen's covid response indicates the virus can jump species again



Her Majesty the Queen has said that her recent brush with covid left her tired, irritable and short on humour. 'It was like Philip had returned,' she said. Covid researchers have shown alarm at the Queen exhibiting symptoms as previously the virus transmission chain only included bats, humans, cats and dogs. 'If lizards can catch it, then we'll probably never stop it,' said one researcher today.


'We were initially concerned when Prime Minister Boris Johnson contracted the disease in the early days of the pandemic, we didn't think it could be passed to beings that were almost but not quite human forms, but then we thought "OK, it's only Boris, might do the country some good",' admitted a covid researcher today. 'So we weren't concerned at all in the end,' he added.


It is currently unknown if Jacob Rees-Mogg is capable of getting the disease. Now that blood temperature doesn't appear to be a barrier there is only the small issues of not requiring oxygen to function and the inability to cast a reflection to consider. 'To date, every person that we know to have caught covid has been known to cast a shadow, so perhaps he's going to be ok, unfortunately,' said a researcher.




First published 12 April 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














Hot Cross Buns Surprised to Find Themselves Being Cheese and Onion Flavour



A pack of four hot cross buns on a supermarket shelf were surprised to find themselves being cheese and onion flavour this week. They made this discovery when a shopper picked them up and read out their description to her companion then made a face of mild disgust and put them straight back. The companion shook his head and said ‘What will they think of next? It’s a gimmick aimed at people with no proper respect for the great bun traditions of their youth.’


One of the four buns said they thought they’d smelt something oniony within their cellophane home but decided they must have mis-smelt. Another of the buns said disgust is one of the seven basic emotions visible on a human’s face and all buns leave the oven hoping to cause a face of enjoyment. The third bun to speak said you can’t trust humans because they call an onion which is clearly purple a red onion. The final bun to express an opinion was more optimistic and reminded fellow buns that cheese and Christmas cake pair well together so maybe they would catch on. The buns then watched as their bakery mates the extra fruity buns and the apple and cinnamon buns were chosen while they remained firmly shelf-bound. They had a brief cheerful moment when one of them remembered the Vic Reeves joke about onions.




First published 11 April 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














Riots up north as cost of filling up the Bentley rises to over £5000



Northern England was the scene of unprecedented carnage last night. Gangs of rampaging protestors wearing clogs and hurling Molotov butties set fire to several kebab shops and Reg Braithwaites' chippie.


'Ay up, Duckie,' said one Bentley owner who wished to remain anonymous. 'You can't blame folk, can you? The last time I filled up my GT V8 Convertible to pick up the Ebahgumshire Gazette and Echo from Elsie's corner shop cost me less than £3500.'


'Now it's over five grand. This cost of living crisis has got reet out of hand. You might as well buy you're own bloody bus. You can't expect law-abiding Northerners to sit there and say nowt when they can barely afford to fill up their Bentleys and enjoy a luxurious blend of exquisite style and hand-built craftsmanship.'



First published 10 April 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














bottom of page