top of page
Search
Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 7

The only cure for coronavirus is a blue passport.




Brexiteers and medical officials agree that the colour of your passport will be the deciding factor in whether you contract the virus and end up speaking French. NHS hospitals have been advised to stockpile blue passports, which can also double as spare beds. Moving from a defeatist shade of red to a resplendent royal blue, is more effective than a facemask, antibiotics or wrapping the Chinese Embassy in clingfilm.


Thanks to Brexit, UK citizens will be immune to all diseases and any economic growth for the next twenty years. They will also be able to fend off athlete’s foot, premature balding and trapped wind. A Foreign Office spokeswoman advised: ‘Hold your blue passport to your mouth and inhale the sweet perfume of empire and naval dominance. Any airborne infections will automatically be filtered, alongside any thought of diversity or history after 1940.’



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 5

You no longer need to pretend you’ve seen ‘Love Island’.



Having reached its season finale, fraudulent fans of the ITV reality show can stop feigning interest. The show is filmed in Majorca, but frankly who cares? Apparently, it is on its fifth series, but whatever? It is ITV’s most, blah, blah, blah. The presenter is Caroline Flack, Caroline who? And winning couple (there’s two of them?!?) receive £50,000 in prize money, so…meh.


Said one bogus viewer: ‘It’s about an island - yes? A particular lovely island. All, sort of, surrounded by water and sandy bits. Very, very lovely. With some puffins?’ Another faker claimed: ‘It’s about a girl and a boy trapped on an island. And they’re been chased by a T-Rex and then there’s this bit in a kitchen with a raptor. Hold on…no…nope…that’s Jurassic Park.’


Explained one weary non-viewer: ‘It’s an island.  One stupid island, filled with stupid people. Now I know how mainland Europe feels about Britain.’




If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 2

New reality shows include ‘Wheel of Misfortune’ and ‘Meal or No Meal’.



Continuing their long running franchise of ‘grim reality’, the Government is helping tens of thousands of people to live their dream, of appearing on TV with a MP’s hand up their skirt. Contestants can pay for rent through a series of awkward sexual encounters, accompanied by the jovial banter of Ant & Dec. Saturday night schedules are set to be dominated by ‘Brothels got Talent’, ‘I’m a Sex Slave – Get me out of here!’ and ‘Strictly Cum Dancing’.


Explained one producer: ‘We’re really excited by ‘Food-Bank Cage-Fight’. The winners get to join a waiting list, for a waiting list, for a waiting list, for Universal Credit.’




If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























bottom of page