top of page
Search
Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 14

Mask wearer horrified by her own breath.




Zoe Bridgewater, 32, has been shocked to discover that a diet of garlic, stilton and chewing tobacco is not conducive to floral breath. Gagging on her own gag, Zoe has found that mask wearing is the equivalent of inhaling your own farts.


While her mask has protected her from the spread of Covid, it has also protected others from her halitosis. Zoe now has the unhappy task of living with her own stink or wearing scuba gear to work.


Surprisingly her daily twenty-eight cups of coffee have not muted the whiff or turned her teeth white. A significant casualty of coronavirus has been her self-esteem , with friends describing her breath as a cross between fermented tofu, Surströmming and smell of an old gym sock. Zoe remarked: 'Ironically everyone social distanced before I wore a mask'.



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 11

Elon Musk to rescue May from Brexit hole




Having been trapped for many weeks between a rock and a hard Brexit, hope was starting to fade for Theresa May.  However entrepreneur, Elon Musk, has said he can pull her out of the dark, piss-smelling cave that is Jacob Rees-Mogg's mind.


Mrs May has been stuck in a hole of her own making for over a year, alongside David Davis, a DUP IOU and a small Thai boy.  Nobody knows why the small boy was there, but it might explain why David Davis has been so distracted of late.


Mr. Musk is confident he has the technology to navigate the u-bend that Mrs May's White Paper has been flushed down.  The submersible will first be sent 10 feet into Boris Johnson's rectum - nobody is actually trapped there, but everyone agrees that it would be a funny thing to do.





If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 9

JK cancels ‘Harriet Potter & the Closet of Secrets’.




Going the full Dolores Umbridge, Rowling has embraced her inner Terf and came out online in support for anti-trans views. Pausing between writing as a man, the billionaire author made it clear that gender is binary – unless you have a detective novel to finish.


While trans-sexuality is a protected characteristic under the 2010 Equalities Act, Rowling seemed to favour imprisonment in Azkaban. She had been previously criticized for liking tweets referring to trans-women as ‘men in dresses’ – or wizards as she likes to call them.


Her editors have been instructed to remove any non-binary references within her work – so no more ‘Half Blood Princes’. Other future titles are on hold – ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Gender Dysphoria’ and ‘All Beasts Are Fantastic, But Some Are More Fantastic Than Others’.


Sadly, we now know why JK thought the Child was Cursed.  A LGBT+ activist said: ‘You need to accept people, Hogwarts and all’.




If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?























bottom of page