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Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers



The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.


‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.


‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.


A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.


Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.





First published 17 Jan 2023


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New Covid variant branching out into plumbing and accountancy



In one of Nature's most frightening feats of adaptive mutation, the Coronavirus is now assuming forms never seen before. "We fear it could have insinuated itself into telemarketing or even be selling you double glazing", says epidemiologist Dr Mark Boyle. "We urge the public to be constantly vigilant".


Paranoia has gripped the nation. There are rumours that the virus could now be reading the news on Sky or posing as a junior minister. Police have called for calm after after a semi-literate mob of vigilantes attacked an Oxford classics don after they overheard him saying "I like Ovid".


Meanwhile, Piers Morgan remains holed up in a basement underneath the studios, as his bosses try to convince the howling mob outside that it was "just a metaphor" when he was described as "a virus in human form".




First published 16 Jan 2023


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Manufacturer wins landmark copyright case


In a landmark European Court decision, sporting giant Adidas has not only won protective status for their three stripe logo, but has also established copy right protection of the letters in the company name.


As a result of this ruling, strict new letter usage laws will be enforced from the end of this sentence.


No one wntng to ue thee letter n document n pper wll nee to negotte "rght to ue" greement with th compny. Extng book n publcton wll become ubject to lcence pyment.


There re concern tht Mzon, Krft n Mcrooft wll lunch mlr collectve cton, mkng the Wetern Lphbet unusble except n text mege.


Protet t th rulng re hmpere by no one beng ble to re ther forml wrtten objecton.





First published 15 Jan 2023


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