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No. 10's mea culpa to The Palace sparks wave of copycat apologies



Number 10's apology to Buckingham Palace last week has sparked a number of copycat incidents with more buildings now seemingly wanting to make amends for previous transgressions between one another.


A leading expert in building conflict resolution commented: 'It seems there is a lot of repressed sorrow and regret between many buildings and last week's very public apology has set things in train. So far we know of one semidetached bungalow in Carshalton that has taken out an ad in the local paper apologising to the town hall for its jibes on Twitter about the town hall's unkempt toilet facilities.'


And NewsBiscuit understands French and British diplomats are on alert, with rumours rife regarding the possibility of a high-profile controversial apology being issued between Blackpool and Eiffel Towers over longstanding accusations of blatant plagiarism.




First published 19 Jan 2022


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BBC alienates last remaining viewer



Paul Singh (58) had doggedly stuck by the UK broadcaster through thick and thicker, enduring the BBC being accused of bias, corruption and three series of Mrs Brown’s Boys. The last straw for Paul, was when the BBC Panorama ran a five-part documentary entitled ‘Why Paul Singh is a C$nt?’.


Said long-suffering Paul: ‘I’m not saying I don’t like shoddy journalism, vacuous game shows and pontificating celebrities – it’s just that I’ve already got ITV’.




First published 18 Jan 2022


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Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers



The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.


‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.


‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.


A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.


Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.





First published 17 Jan 2023


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