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COP26: A Delegate's Guide


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Morning Queues


What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.


Speeches


Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.


The Green Zone


A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.


Informal Gatherings


A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.


The Delusional Lounge


A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.





First published 3 Nov 2021


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The NewsBiscuit guide to Rugby


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Saturday sees the start of the 2021 Autumn Internationals, where the three ‘home nations’ – and Wales – will rugby against bigger and better rugbiers from the southern hemisphere to prove that we’re still not as good as them.


However, despite ‘fans’ confidently demanding that they do, no-one actually understands what is happening.


So, our in-house rugby expert, Hugo ‘Binky-Balls’ Hertfordshire-Pyle has produced a handy guide to help you pretend to understand the rules too.


The Game


Rugby was invented at the school which gave the sport its name – Harrow. The object of the game is for each team to rugby their way up the pitch to their opponents’ line and fall over while holding the ball. This is called a ‘try’. But it’s not as easy as it sounds! The opposing rugbiers will attempt to stop this happening by physically assaulting the person with the ball and knocking him/her to the ground.


If someone does score a try, they are then allowed to attempt kicking the ball towards the big H at the end of the pitch before a helicopter lands on it.


Players must run backwards but ensure they pass the ball forwards - if they fail to do this, they are subjected to a ritual debagging.


The Scrum


Rugby is famously a gentleman’s sport, where respect is of utmost importance. As such at various intervals in the game, play will stop to allow the eight fattest players on each team have a manly or womanly group hug. Lots of Vaseline is used.


Positions


Quite possibly you’ll have heard television commentators mention the strange names for rugby playing positions, such as prop, hooker, bingo, whinger, Barney McGrew, rabber-dabber, scrum-half, and gezuntheit. Below are explanations for the most important of these.


Prop. A fat simpleton, so-called because those playing in the position were said to 'have the brains and speed of a theatre prop.’


Hooker. A fat and deeply unpopular player who is only allowed on the team if he/she gives sexual favours to the coach.


Fly-half. A pretty boy/glamour girl who thinks they’re God. Will often be heard shouting ‘not the face’ in the vicinity of a tackle.


Whinger. A slight person who runs away from the big boys and girls. So called because he/she stands on the side of the pitch always moaning “It’s not fair; throw the ball to me!”


The Silent Raver. This is person not dressed in any of the teams’ colours and doesn’t touch the ball. They will stand beside the scrum and other fights, usually dressed in fluorescent rave garb, making rave hand signals, and blowing a whistle.


With this handy guide, you will now be able to convince others that you know what rugby is all about. Just remember to wear the uniform: your favourite team’s shirt with a pair of red trousers, sand coloured Caterpillar boots, a donkey jacket, a pint of warm beer, and an obnoxious demeanour.





First published 2 Nov 2021


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Woman in her 20s 'doesn't like Drag Race'


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A single woman in her 20s has shocked family, friends and work colleagues alike by admitting she doesn't like Ru Paul's Drag Race.


Simone Phillips, 28, an accountant from Ledbury, posted on Facebook "Ru Paul's Drag Race? What's the point? What a joke! It's just men in frocks. LOL".


Within seconds of her posting this, she was inundated with U OK huns, deluged with You been kidnapped and quite a few WTF sistas.


She had already continued with: "Misters who wanna be sisters! WTAF!!! LOL" when the responses started to get darker and even threatening. She has now been trolled by, and received threats of violence from former friends, strangers, and Russian bots, who are also trying to convince her to join the Labour Party, watch Bake Off and sign up to Gousto.


A spokesperson for the syndication company told us: " That Simone, she ain't all that. She's not special. She's just jeal-ous. Yeah. Jealous!"






First published 1 Nov 2021


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