top of page
Search

List of ‘Well-being’ scams doesn’t include Well-Being



ree

In excess of £9bn is scammed each year by exploiting people’s mental health, but oddly this does not include getting a coffee enema while listening to Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina make the sound of whale song.


Said one conman: ‘I recently targeted a bereaved widow with a phishing scam, but she was instantly suspicious. That was until I offered her a deep tissue massage with a stress dog, then she gave me her bank details and front door key without batting an eyelid’.



Vulnerable adults will get naked in front of a stranger, just on the spurious offer of a face mask made from jojoba and panda poop. They will happily pay a fortune for any promise of meditation, provided it involves a dolphin cardio and yoga with a family of meerkats.


The Government warned: ‘If you are stressed about being scammed, then please ring our hot line, where you can listen to the sax solo from ‘Baker Street’ and order a scented candle shaped like Greta Thunberg’.




First published 19 Oct 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree




Hancock falls foul of UN's new "no bellends" rule



ree

Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock has seen his hopes of joining the UN gravy train dashed after the organisation announced that it had "just this week" implemented a "no bellends" rule that "obviously precluded Matt from taking this post".


The snub is a blow to Mr Hancock, who was hoping to reboot his political career with a little ineffectual posturing and corruption on the international stage, making a change from doing this only at UK level. The post was unpaid, but it's understood that the UK's Dr Covid Death had counted on filling his boots at diplomatic lunches and making some ready cash from contact backhanders along the way.


However, it seems that despite a history of appointing everyone from George W. Bush to Gerri Halliwell, Matt Hancock was a step too far for the UN. In the most decisive bit of action to come out of UN HQ for decades, a "no bellends as envoys" rule was drafted, amended, voted on and formally adopted within 48 hours. This was made possible by the agreement that it would not be applied retrospectively - causing audible sighs of relief in capital cities around the world, and meaning the UK is stuck not only with Rita Ora as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador, but we've still got Matt Hancock too.




First published 18 Oct 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



Software development no longer ‘Britain’s Sexiest Profession’


ree


For years, Britain’s software developers have had to exhaust themselves at weekends satisfying the wildest sexual demands of the crowds of groupies, harlots and sluts who just can’t get enough of their sweet bedroom jargon.


“Just when you thought you’d heard it all, along comes cloud computing and a whole new generation of acronyms” said Penny, a blonde stunner from London. “Nothing gets my juices flowing more than having Backend-As-A-Service mansplained to me, although the actual meaning was a bit disappointing, to be honest”.


However, the bedroom dominance of software developers may have come to an end. Make way, guys, for the Public Sector Procurement Specialists. These sex gods understand the Public Procurement Guidelines and can whip up a pre-qualification questionnaire faster than a nerd’s wilting erection.


“I was in the pub, just trying to catch the eye of a weedy guy explaining stack overflow to the assembled throng, when I caught a snippet of conversation about PPE”, said Jessica, a nymphomaniac from Leeds. “The bloke who was speaking was nothing special to look at, but when he started explaining the exemption criteria for direct award I felt a familiar stirring in my loins”.


The Johnson Government’s unlawful PPE procurements have thrust the hitherto humble procurement specialist into the limelight. Benedict Cumberbatch and Keanu Reeves are believed to be collaborating on a Netflix thriller about two procurement officers who take on evil corporations from their glamorous glass and steel high tech office at Huddersfield Council.


Jack White, lead singer and guitarist for The White Stripes, is one of many who have applied to join the Chartered Institute of Procurement and Supply. “I just can’t get laid", he told reporters. “I wish I’d never wasted my time learning guitar. With a CIPS qualification maybe I’ll stand a chance”.





First published 17 Oct 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



bottom of page