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Criminals propose 'just scrapping' criminal justice system


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Convicted criminals across the country have strongly suggested we should 'completely scrap' the criminal justice system.


Ben, who received a five year sentence just last week, is heading up the campaign: 'Its nothing to do with the fact I've just been convicted - that's complete pure coincidence. I've been thinking for ages we should just get rid of the criminal justice system entirely. I'm definitely right because all my mates agree. Pick-pocket-Paul backs me up, and so does Half-Inch-It-Ian. Whether I committed the crime or not is neither here nor there.'


Ben's mates have said they are 'horrified' at the current system which is 'fundamentally flawed' but couldn't really explain how. They are calling for Ben's immediate release and exoneration, saying that despite the mountain of evidence that he did commit a crime, scrapping the system entirely would override that.


This has prompted a number of other campaigns, with burglars unanimously voting to scrap security cameras, cyber criminals demanding we scrap firewalls and murderers proposing we scrap forensic pathologists.





First published 5 Nov 2021


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‘A’ levels to be replaced by three-word slogans


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For decades A Levels have been a rite of passage for ambitious teenagers, struggling over lists of facts, complex equations and the harsh beauty of quantum theory. Now all that is to be swept aside in the most radical re-imagining of education since Oxford University somehow awarded a degree to Boris Johnson.


“The beauty of a slogan is you don’t need to think too hard. They’re explicitly designed to prevent thought“, a spokesman told us. “Who needs to know all the Civil War battles anyway? Knowledge stifles creativity – write that down, Janet – we need to keep the minds of working people clear so they can receive their instructions”.


Government policy is already largely determined by three word slogans. Brexit will eventually allow the tedious piles of books which codify English Law to be replaced with a few posters from Athena, clarifying even the most abstruse legal concepts.


“We got the idea from ‘Ready for Rishi’ “, the spokesman said. “Meaningless, but it’s spread like wildfire – by his detractors as well as his fans. That’s when it hit us – meaning is overrated. Quick, Janet, write that down”.


“A slogan is much easier to digest than, say, all the reactions in organic chemistry. OK, we won’t be able to design our own chemical plants any more – but we don’t need to, there’s China etc for that. Janet, write that down: ‘China Etc’ – it’ll come in handy. No, what we need is a compliant workforce. And I don’t mean all that dreadful EU-style compliance – data protection, health and safety, all that nonsense. No, what British industry is crying out for are helpful people who don’t mind dying occasionally. If the project goes well we might be able to switch off all the immigration, which would definitely make places like Birmingham seem a little less grim”.


The new streamlined A Levels have been likened to laminate flooring – a shiny veneer glued onto MDF. Private schools will retain Latin, which provides a better quality of veneer concealing the same glued-together sawdust. Which possibly explains Boris, now we come to think of it.


“Stop that!” the spokesman admonishes us. “Thought is weakness”.


So there we have it. Unclutter your mind, enjoy hard work and accept that fascism is fun. Write that down, Janet.



image from pixabay


First published 4 Nov 2022


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COP26: A Delegate's Guide


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Morning Queues


What should have been a simple process of rocking up to the venue entrance, showing your credentials, and undergoing a brief security search before gaining admittance, has been made much trickier by United Nations officials deciding that when in Britain delegates should participate in that most British of activities, queueing. Attendees will therefore be stuck for hours, continually assessing the relative speed of the adjacent lanes.


Speeches


Lots of these. Lots and lots and lots of these. Mostly ‘very important people’ who have flown thousands of miles in fuel guzzling aircraft to say the same thing. To put it in an eco-friendly, sustainably grown nutshell, “Cut CO2 emissions, reduce carbon footprint, stop deforestation, reduce fossil fuels. Blah, blah blah. “Recordings of these speeches will be on sale anyway as they are just as effective as whale song for relaxation, cures for insomnia, or for Mums-to-be in birthing pools.


The Green Zone


A highly fortified area of central Baghdad, not usually renowned for hosting events, workshops, cultural performances, music and film, all focussing on climate action. Clearly designed to make the Iraqi delegates feel at home with the addition of a nightly fireworks display.


Informal Gatherings


A chance for attendees to make the right noises to other attendees, exchange pleasantries over an artisan croissant and fair-trade organic coffee, and basically expound upon their climate crisis credentials. Definitely one of the key motivations for being there, achieving that overall feeling of smug self-satisfaction.


The Delusional Lounge


A safe space for senior delegates and politicians to group together without social distancing and to become entirely inebriated while convincing themselves they have saved the planet by collectively flying three million air miles and running the hotel heating on full for the entirety of their stay, simply by pledging to do too little, too late and not really meaning it anyway The lounge is expected to be full every night.





First published 3 Nov 2021


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