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Men poised for greatness, just as soon as the Xmas aftershave arrives



It’s that time of the year again, when Britain’s men recapture their untamed spirit through the application of aromatic placebos.


Barry (31) has a birthday in January, so he has a long time to wait between aftershave top-ups. “I can feel my powers waning at this end of the year”, he told us. “Wearing the right aftershave I can be my own man - enigmatic yet strong, a gentle savage in a primeval wilderness. When it wears off I’m just Barry, assistant accountant in a stationery business”.


Barry’s girlfriend Alison (28) is giving him Dior’s ‘Sauvage’ this Christmas. “I’d like him to be a bit more Johnny Depp”, she explained. “Not so much the Amber Heard thing, more . . . running with wolves, you know, an act of creation inspired by wide-open spaces. That’s the Barry I’d prefer. I did consider that one with all the sailors but they looked a bit gay, plus he gets seasick”.


Britain experiences an upwelling of masculine greatness shortly after Christmas each year. Scientists declare themselves baffled by the phenomenon. “I’m baffled”, said Professor Green from Imperial College. “It’s a total f**king mystery. I was sceptical at first – I ran the stuff through a mass spectrometer and there’s nothing really significant there – but then I saw Johnny Depp with his shirt open and a bloke and a woman floating up towards the moon and now I’m not so sure”.




First published 13 Dec 2022


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NHS to use laughter as the next best medicine



Laugh yourself healthy.


An absence of funding, preparation, foresight, and Oxford commas has led to a severe shortage of medicine stocks within the NHS. The Health Secretary and grannyslayer Steve Barclay has urged healthcare professionals to bring in Christmas cracker jokes early and use them as cures for everything from herpes to severed spines.


'We don't know how many have died not laughing,' said Dr Sherman Heritage from the Surrey Healthcare and Impalas Trust, 'but we played a Christmas special of Mrs Brown's Boys in the ICU and that opened up 14 much needed beds immediately.'


A government deal with the TV channel Comedy Central has been described as NHS privatisation by stealth. This is, however, not the case at all as the government is far too incompetent and leaky to conduct anything stealthily.


[Hat tip to modelmaker]




First published 12 Dec 2022


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World sees plucky underdogs demolish "unbeatable" opponents



All across the world, fans of Meghan and Harry watched in amazement as the plucky underdogs peppered their all-powerful opponents with shot upon shot, finally putting paid to their hopes of survival.


“They were fouling us from start to finish,” said the Duke of Sussex, brandishing a stream of yellow and red cards at the couple’s bruised opponents as they limped away.


“But we stuck to our truth, put in a lot of damaging shots, and came away with a result.”


“The Royal Family can learn a good lesson from this,” said the Duchess.


“They arrogantly thought they were the Brazil of world monarchies - the crème de la crème, and completely invincible. But now look at them – humiliated by the underdogs and progressing no further.


Harry and Meghan now go on to their next round of documentaries in which they'll be taking on the Pope - a tough opponent who many pundits consider to be infallible.




First published 11 Dec 2022


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