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Government to re-train prisoners as politicians to raise standards in public office.


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Justice Secretary Dominic Raab has today announced a new initiative to re-train prisoners as politicians to address a shortfall in standards, integrity and all-round competence in Parliament.


Hot on the heels of the government's scheme to simultaneously 'save Christmas' and win plaudits for BREXIT by training getaway drivers as hauliers and thieves as shelf-stackers, the new initiative is intended to improve the standing of the Cabinet and woo voters back to the Tories.


Raab said, 'It has become apparent that we could be sourcing professionally-qualified thieves and liars, instead of relying on amateurs. Also we could have perhaps got away with the Track and Trace daylight robbery if we had more experienced individuals covering the fiduciary misconduct aspects.' A senior civil servant admitted, 'We conducted an internal review and realised that standards in public office might actually be improved by replacing or augmenting some key individuals with convicted criminals. We are currently screening inmates at Broadmoor for potential roles as Home Secretary and Health Secretary. Meanwhile, Zippo's Circus has offered us a candidate for Prime Minister.'


Author: Squudge





First published 26 Oct 2021


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‘Neuralyzers not strong enough to erase memory of Truss being PM’ Men in Black confirm


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With Rishi Sunak poised to become the new prime minister, which is what would have happened 6 weeks ago anyway if the fate of the country hadn’t been left in the hands of a deluded minority of rabid gammons, the 1922 Committee have reached out to Men in Black agents to ask for their help in making the electorate forget that the whole Liz Truss debacle ever happened, an anonymous source confirmed. Their plan to deploy a memory erasing ray on the nation was thwarted however, when a representative from Men in Black informed the Committee that unfortunately, there is not a neuralyzer in existence powerful enough to block out the catalogue of catastrophic cock ups that have occurred over past month and a half, nor will one ever be invented in future.


The Downing Street source went on to explain, “The Committee were told that whilst neuralyzers work fine for wiping out memories about trivial things such as alien invasions, they simply aren’t designed to cope with the magnitude of Liz Truss sending a meteorite crashing into the UK economy. Something to do with the cosmic ripples being too strong apparently.”


The 1922 Committee are now said to be exploring other options, including beating themselves over the head repeatedly with their briefcases until they lose consciousness, and harnessing the power of collective denial. One member was reportedly seen wandering aimlessly around the House of Commons in a semi-concussed state and was overheard saying to confused bystanders, “Damn good job Rishi is doing, so glad the Tory members voted for him to replace Boris instead of that stupid woman –what was she called….Lisa something…?”, before running into the nearest gents and stuffing his head down the toilet.





First published 25 Oct 2022


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Study finds half of UK adults believe crumbs that fall into toaster ‘just disappear'


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A new study has shown that 53% of UK adults believe the crumbs which fall into their toaster simply disappear without a trace.


'It’s like cremation, isn’t it?' suggests participant Lee Halsall, 'Or when something falls through the barbecue grill. Gone forever.'


Lead researcher Stella Holmes explains: 'This study provides further evidence that we are not teaching our children the practical skills they need to be effective in life. We badly need educational reforms to introduce courses like financial literacy, critical thinking and object permanence.'


It remains to be seen what purpose, if any, those in the ‘disappear’ camp believe a toaster’s crumb tray serves. Unfortunately Mr. Halsall could not be reached for further comment as his toaster had inexplicably caught fire.


Author: Stu Horgan


image pixabay/PublicDomainPuictures



First published 24 Oct 2021


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