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Fears grow for covid after it is infected by Laurence Fox



Fears are growing for the wellbeing of the Covid-19 virus after it confirmed it has been infected by attention-seeking former actor Laurence Fox.


Covid has not been vaccinated against irritatingly smug self-promoters and is currently attempting to treat itself with unproven remedies, leading to real concerns about its future welfare.


"The best way to avoid being infected by a massively annoying bellend desperate for attention is to steer clear of things like social media and Question Time. Unfortunately, as covid spread through more and more of the population, the chances of it being exposed to Mr Fox increased." said Stephen Thompson, Professor of Virology at Oxford University.


"At this stage it is too early to say how the virus will cope with being infected by Laurence. We are hopeful though that it has developed a level of natural immunity from other morons it has already encountered, such as flat earthers and other anti-vaxxers."


One major fear is that covid's exposure to the former Lewis star could cause it to mutate to another new variant. One that will spout ridiculous bullshit on any platform in an increasingly pathetic attempt to remain relevant.




First published 2 Feb 2022


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WHO wards off Ukraine invasion with brilliant Covid-based peace plan



All Russian military personnel planning to cross into Ukraine must show proof of a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before entry,” said a WHO spokesman, officiously, on the steps of the organisation’s Geneva headquarters.


“Failure to do so will result in denial of entry, and heavy fines.


“In addition to this, all weapons of war must be thoroughly disinfected with approved brands of alcohol wipes. Friends and relations of Matt Hancock will be on hand at the borders to sell you these at a very reasonable price.


“We are hoping that most members of Russia’s 100,000-strong invasion force will listen to our tedious and dreary regulations, say: ‘Sod it, I didn’t want to go to Ukraine anyway - it’s a stupid place,’ and promptly desert.


“Russian troops must respect social distancing rules and remain at least two metres apart from enemy combatants," continued the official.


"That means no slaughtering using bayonets - which rather takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it, Ivan? Are you sure you want to invade?


“Military personnel will also be forbidden from gathering in groups of more than six for the purposes of ransacking villages, committing gang rapes or getting drunk on the local vodka.


“Unless you’re a high-ranking politician, of course. Then, you can gather with your all cronies in the back garden of a government mansion and throw as many wild parties as you like. Just have a quiet word with the local police chief afterwards. She’ll hush it up for you.”




First published 1 Feb 2022


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Dating apps may become linked to driverless cars



When driverless vehicles become a genuine possibility the expectation is that they will communicate with each other, so if for example a BMW in the outside lane of a motorway imagines that a Range Rover will allow it to cut across its path at the last second it can reach the slip road, the conversation between the vehicles of “Don’t even try it, Sonny”, will have occurred miles before the slip road.


It’s hoped this will lead to fewer accidents, but dating apps have cottoned on that driverless vehicle technology can assist with the pursuit of romance.


“When you think about it” said Deirdre Milf, a dating consultant, “lonely people travel up and down the country, unaware that their ideal partner might be in the car next to them. It seems logical to find a way we can use our date matching data to best advantage. There’s precious little chance of a lonely heart in Swansea taking up our match of an ideal partner in Sunderland, but little would the two know how close they were to each other when they neared the dogging sites in Dudley. Our proposed app will give the couple the opportunity to accept or decline the liaison of a lifetime in real time.”


Deirdre went on to explain that as part of their proposed service, in addition to the two vehicles being directed by the app to the same dogging area, it would be possible to set liason preferences such as:


  • Sites with wash facilities and condom machines

  • Dogging sites selling alcohol and fags to recover with

  • Reserved parking places (premium charge)

  • Floristry machines

  • Jewellery machines


Deirdre added she was very excited about the email from Head Office she saw arrive as we were talking, entitled “2 in 1 special offer” and if it means what she hopes it does, she’d definitely be up for it.


image from pixabay



First published 31 Jan 2022


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