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Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses



The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases pressure on the worlds much-loved number one prime ministerial bellend. Mr Johnson says he can’t recall anything, can’t spell the word ‘party’ in any case, and strenuously denies even knowing who Djokovic is.


“Ah…um...well…jolly tricky all this. I did remember being introduced to some sporting chappie, but frankly, they all look the same after a couple of bottles of vintage Dom Perignon.’


A Downing Street spokesman denied that any rules had been broken apart from the ones that were: ‘There’s nothing in the rules to say that Mr Djokovic, who wasn’t here, by the way, cannot play tennis with senior cabinet ministers, who also weren’t here. There is also no truth in the spurious rumours that Prince Andrew, who didn't attend, served canapes, or that Melania Trump, who also wasn’t here, was fired out of a canon. Mind you, it was pretty bloody spectacular, even though no one was here and nothing happened.’





First published 12 Jan 2022


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Row as Gove's lift doors aren't welded shut



An enquiry has been launched at Broadcasting House following delays yesterday in a welding team to arrive to weld shut lift doors containing Michael Gove.


A spokesman explained the chain of events; "At around 8am, Mr Gove entered, what I now understand, was a specially prepared lift. Unfortunately, notification of this wasn't passed onto the UK Risk Containment Board and the welding team wasn't scrambled until it was too late and Mr Gove had escaped, er, left the lift."


It's understood that the lift containing Mr Gove was planned to be sold to a group of somewhat irate fishermen.





First published 11 Jan 2022


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Rishi Sunak refuses to say whether he lives in a big house


Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has repeatedly refused to say whether he lives in a big house or not.


The multi millionaire PM told the BBC’s Larry Knutsberg that his living arrangements were a private concern and not really relevant to his ability to deal with the cost of living crisis.


Rumours that Sunak lives in a big house in the country with a nice garden, a patio and a gravel drive have been circulating around Westminster for several weeks now but the PM did nothing to quash those rumours, insisting it was nothing but media tittle-tattle.


Mr.Sunak also refused to tell Knutsberg whether he knew other multi millionaires like him or say whether he had ever been to Butlins on a fortnight’s holiday.


‘Rishi Sunak is the richest Prime Minister the UK has ever had…. we think it is important to know whether he lives in a big house or not,’ said Knutsberg. ‘We appreciate it’s unlikely he lives in a council house or assisted accommodation but unless he comes out publicly and let’s us all know one way or the other the rumours will persist.


'There are over 1.5 million people on the social housing waiting list….the public need to know whether he is one of them or not’.



First published 10 Jan 2023


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