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Bare chested Boris Johnson requests trial by combat at Covid enquiry

In a surprising legal manoeuvre, a bare chested, war-painted Boris Johnson has announced that he will request a trial by combat at his upcoming appearance at the ongoing Covid enquiry.


"Hear this", he bellowed, slapping his chest, "the past is the past, if you wish to pass judgement on me, you must best me in wrestling or a physical encounter of the enquiries choice. I can shoot, I can fence, I can grapple, I can shin kick with the best of them!"


Mr Johnson's tactics were clearly an aggressive tactic to put the board on the back foot. His posturing was accompanied by the unedifying sight of his naked upper torso daubed in Union flag colour war paints and a crudely placed pith helmet on his head.


"I will take on all-comers, only those who best me, can question my actions!" At this point, he ripped off his tearaway trousers revealing a thong with a picture of Nadine Dorries on the pouch. The crowd gasped and began to frenziedly back away from the terrifying sight.


The commission responded that Mr Johnson's request will be assessed but whatever happens he will be required to wear safety trousers at all times for fear of mass impregnation.


image from pixabay



First published 3 Dec 2023


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Rees-Mogg accused of being double agent for Protestants

Animatronic wankstain Jacob Rees-Mogg has been accused of bringing Catholicism into disrepute by the Association of Nonce Priests.


Father Dominic is a Catholic priest. Well he would be, with a name like that. ‘We’ve suspected Rees-Mogg of being an undercover Protestant for some time’, he told NewsBiscuit. ‘The man is obviously trying to discredit Catholicism. I mean, some of us are kiddie-fiddlers and even we think he steps over the line, that’s how bad it is.


‘This week he told viewers on his TV programme to say the rosary in Latin if they want rewards in this life and the next. That’s the kind of mumbo-jumbo horseshit you’d expect from a Hollywood screenwriter who’s never seen a Catholic. He’ll be walking round with a sharpened wooden stake and some garlic next’.


NewsBiscuit asked Mr Rees-Mogg for a comment but he just gave us a patronising smile and made the Sign of the Cross before vanishing in a puff of sulphurous smoke. So, mixed messages really.


image from pixabay



First published 2 Dec 2023


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Second Coming set for Christmas as UK populated by infidels



A recent Census report shows a dramatic drop in Christians and a sharp rise soulless ne'er-do-wells. Most of the UK identifies as fornicating heathens, with a penchant for watching the footy on a Sunday. A Fallen One remarked: ‘It’s alright being an infidel. I get to stay up late, wear odd socks and have extra sugar with my tea’.


‘I thought it was about time he did the rounds again as it’s been about 1,992 years,’ said the Archbishop of Canterbury. ‘With the advent of social media people want new, jazzy content and that’s quite challenging when your only material is from 1200 BC.


‘In discussion with God, we thought Christmas would be the perfect timing for the second coming as a nice call back to the Bethlehem days. Unfortunately, he’s missed the Christmas lights switch-ons in most towns, which would’ve been a great PR op, but we’re confident we can drum-up excitement when he arrives - get a few miracles going over an ‘insta-live’.’


Billy Reed, a student from Reading who answered ‘atheist’ on the Census 2021, said: ‘Who’s Jesus? Is he friends with Kanye West?’


His girlfriend, who identified as ‘spiritual’ in the questionnaire, said: ‘So Father Xmas is real! Does this mean he’s actually going to come down our chimney? I need to get that on TikTok.’


Missionaries are to be sent to the UK, to bring the unbelievers back into the faith, using the power of free Easter eggs. The Archbishop of Canterbury has threatened to burn Jedis at the stake. While the Pope has ordered a crusade against anyone who likes Heavy Metal.


God commented: ‘To be fair, I stopped believing in the UK years ago’.


Author: clare,

H/T: Wrenfoe



First published 1 Dec 2022


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