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Kwasi Kwarteng "still hopeful" for employee of the month award


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The chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, is reported to have cleared a space on a side cabinet for an Employee of the Month award.


"He's surprisingly optimistic.", said a treasury spokesman. "I have explained that destroying the pound, humiliating the party and pushing mortgage rates through the roof isn't an ideal start to a career."


Your reporter repeated these reservations to Mr Kwarteng who responded, "Well, I think you'll find there's more to the job that running the economy. I carried a tray of champagne for some mates at a do the other day and they seemed jolly appreciative; that counts for something."


When it was pointed out that the Treasury doesn't actually have an employee of the month award. Mr Kwarteng responded, "Well, it will after my conference speech. And might I add, I've a really tidy desk; the prime-minister asked me to clear it this morning."




First published 5 Oct 2022


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Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal


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The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of Cowes, has been using his position to obtain free donkey rides for his grandchildren for the last 3 summers. Documents also appear to show him treating seaside snacks as tax-deductible expenses, with one receipt for a stick of candy floss and 3 ice cream cones – all with flakes, wafer and strawberry sauce – showing the lavish lifestyle which Mr Entwhistle enjoyed.


“I honestly had no idea what was going on” said Agatha, one of the donkeys that has found herself unwittingly at the heart of the scandal. “I thought I saw those kids quite a lot, I’d remember them anywhere after Kyle was sick on me that time, but I am a simple artiste dedicated to serving my public - I don’t concern myself with the grubby finances of the business.”


However, Mr Entwhistle has denied that he has done anything wrong. “It’s all perfectly legal” he said. “If a donkey owner worried about the renewal of their licence wishes to offer my grandchildren a free ride, for example once every Saturday and every weekday afternoon in the school holidays, who am I to suspect anything untoward? Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife and I are hoping to purchase a beach hut for our retirement, and our estate agents Blair and Blair tell us there’s a lot of paperwork we need to complete.”





First published 4 Oct2021


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Parklife Gutlord gets revenge on fat-shaming Blur


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The walker criticised in Blur’s Parklife song for being a gutlord and told to “get some exercise” says he has finally got his own back on the band.


Benedict Beetlebum has shed six stone since being fat-shamed by the Britpop stars more than a quarter of a century ago.


The 63-year-old says he is in the best shape of his life and is now demanding an apology from the foursome for causing 27 years of embarrassment.


“To be criticised by someone who gets up when he wants except on Wednesdays – and then merely thinks about leaving the house - is ridiculous,” said the former gutlord.


“My friend John – he’s still got brewer’s droop, sadly – wants to try to lose weight too.


“I told him it’s got nothing to do with your Vorsprung durch Technik: just follow simple dietary advice.”


Mr Beetlebum had hoped to hold a vigil in the park in support of obese people, but the home secretary, Priti Patel, refused permission.


A Home Office spokeswoman said: “We don’t want a bunch of fatties parading in public – that’s what the Conservative Party conference is for.”





First published 3 Oct 2021


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