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Cost of living crisis solved with one quick trip to Las Vegas



Under a new scheme, the Chancellor will invest the nation’s wealth on the Nevada craps tables. UK bill payers will be guaranteed a regular income from slot machines, provided the Chancellor remembers to wear his lucky pants.


The Treasury confirmed: ‘We’ve been criminally underfunding the NHS for decades, so what could be more appropriate than a game of Baccarat supervised by the Mafia. Those struggling to pay the rent will experience the adrenaline of holding twelve in Blackjack and the chance to see David Copperfield fly.


'Pensioners won’t have to worry about the winter fuel allowance, as they’ll be too busy trying to master Caribbean stud poker while suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s.’



First published 19 May 2022



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Brave footballer comes out as intelligent



A 21-year-old soccer player has revealed that he is highly academic, becoming the only openly brainy male professional footballer in Britain. Millwall forward Daniel Jakes said that he has received ‘top backing from the lads … err … I mean universal support from my peers’ after telling them about his intellect.


Jakes is the first professional player in British men's football to come out publicly as clever since Graeme Le Saux who was once thought to be quite bright on account of admitting to reading the sports pages of the Guardian. In an interview, Jakes said he felt ready to ‘express myself eloquently’ after ‘such a long time of pretending to be thick’.


The striker said he originally felt the need to hide his academic ability in order to become a professional footballer. ‘I knew from a very early age that I was different to the other lads,’ he explained. ‘But I worked hard on constraining my vocabulary to words of one or two syllables so as not to stand out.’


After signing professional forms and subsequently breaking through into the first team, Jakes thought that he would wait until he was retired to come out. ‘But the stress of pretending not to be interested in quantum cosmology became over-bearing and I therefore decided to admit to the world that I am not as dim as I make out.’


The world of professional football has become a more inclusive and welcoming space over recent years, especially with regard to such aspects as race and nationality. And yet there remains a subculture that persists which means male footballers are expected to be stupid, especially in ‘Over the moon, the boys done good’ post-match interviews.


Perhaps that will change as a result of Daniel Jakes’ admission that he is academically gifted, and he has been encouraged by all the messages of support from players, staff and supporters from all around the world. ‘I am overwhelmed at the expressions of acceptance of me as an openly intelligent footballer,’ said Daniel. ‘Even Millwall supporters, not exactly known for their tolerance, have said that I have their undying love, but not in a gay way.’


The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has also expressed his admiration for Jakes’ courage after sensing an opportunity to pretend to have the slightest interest in football.



First published 18 May 2022


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Ugly Missing Children to feature on Soya Milk Cartons



Each year, there are reports of 100,000 missing children. This staggering figure may come as a shock to many of us who can only recall a few names and faces. However, this is no coincidence. Media organizations tend to be selective in which cases they feature, often giving more attention to photogenic victims in order to capture public interest.


This leaves camera-challenged youngsters at a stark disadvantage. A spokesperson from the Centre for Missing and Exploited Children commented on this imbalance, stating: “We have to be discerning when it comes to choosing which pictures we get out there. Journalists are looking for chiclet smiles, dimples, a face that tugs at the heartstrings. No-one wants to be looking at an ugly child over breakfast.”


Enter Soymil, a plant-based beverage manufacturer with a revolutionary idea to balance the disparity of media exposure for missing children. “If our customers can stomach soya milk then they can stomach the fugly kids,” the company’s brand manager tells us. “It’s unlikely that these uggos have been kidnapped by paedophiles—unless they have really off-beat predilections—but they might still be in trouble.”


Concerned parents Abigail and Oliver Taylor were the first to be selected for the campaign. “Knowing that there are people out there still looking for our Timmy warms my heart,” Mrs. Taylor says, her eyes welling with tears of gratitude. “Our local newspaper didn’t want to run the story on account of Timmy’s homeliness. It was so frustrating; he’s such a distinctive-looking boy, if you saw his face, you wouldn’t forget it.”


“We were sure Timmy was being held ransom at first,” Mr. Taylor interjects, his arm wrapped tightly around his wife’s shoulder. “I wondered if the kidnapper thought we were rich or something. When days passed and we heard nothing, my mind started to wander to dark places. I wondered if organ harvesters had taken him—the doctors said that they’d never seen a spleen like his before—or that he’d been snatched by an opportunistic sideshow ringleader. His hunch has always drawn a lot of unwanted attention. I’m kept awake at night with thoughts of him being pelted with rotten fruit by jeering townspeople.”


image from pixabay


First published 17 May 2023



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