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Council admits building cycle lanes purely for profit



West Limpley District Council has admitted to creating 23 miles of cycle lanes in order to save money. The council has previously been praised for its commitment to active travel (walking and cycling), but it now seems that the real motive was purely financial.


A council spokesman said that the road maintenance budget had been under great pressure. The transport department had suggested that cycle lanes would be cheaper to maintain as bicycles cause less wear and tear than cars and trucks. Changing existing roads into cycle lanes was forecast to yield some small savings on resurfacing and repairs, spread over many years.


The council then realised that it could install enforcement cameras, and fine drivers who strayed into the cycle lanes. Having issued fines totalling over £60,000 on the first day for one single cycle lane camera, the council knew it was onto a winner. In the next three months, it created 23 miles of cycle lanes and installed 300 enforcement cameras. It now has an enormous income from fines, which it is using to increase Councillors’ expense allowances. And to spend on social care. Probably.


Cycling groups are unimpressed. They say that the cycle lanes are in the wrong places, don’t join up and don’t help people out of cars and onto bikes. The council’s response is that (a) they don’t care, because the money is rolling in, and (b) that it’s difficult to take anyone seriously when they are wearing that much lycra.






First published 23 Nov 2023


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Average wait in Post Office queue worse than M25 rush hour


New research published today reveals the average wait in the queue of your local post office is more stressful than trying to navigate your way around the M25 in Friday afternoon rush hour.


Retail Analyst, Penny Woolmer, explains. ''You may join a queue to buy a first class stamp, with only two people in front of you, but our data shows 94% of the time the person at the window is sending 11 parcels to eBay customers.


'Just as they're about to leave you hear, "Oh, I had better get a book of stamps too while I'm at it," something that for some inexplicable reason adds at least another ten minutes to your wait.


'When they finally leave the window your stress levels have reached boiling point because the person now being served has forgotten the pin number for their card.


'Twenty minutes follows when they search every purse and pocket for a piece of paper they've written the number on and when they finally do find it the bloody till has frozen and it all needs rebooting again.'


Gavin Rochester a pensioner from Winchester said, 'People in the queue need to chill out. I remember once in my post office it took me three hours to buy 150 stamps for my Christmas cards. The woman gave me 1st class but I wanted 2nd. That caused a right old kerfuffle.


'People weren't too best pleased but it didn't bother me cos I got all the time in the world' It's normally nice and warm in there and with the price of heating these days it's win-win.'



First published 22 Nov 2022


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Microsoft launch Woid for wiseguys



Tech giant Microsoft has released a version of Word, it’s best-selling word processing software for goodfellas looking to do fancy writing. Representatives of organisations with Sicilian heritage in the New York area met with Microsoft executives to ask a special favour, and make a nice software package that writes in wiseguy, just for them. Programmer Darius Melville explained: “At first we suggested they just use Google Translate software. Then they suggested they might translate caps from a 9mm into our asses. We got to work straightaway. “So now ‘Woid’ is ready for launch. It’s a fully-featured version of Word where any form of input is output in wiseguy. The software employs an intuitive detector to determine which key in a group was meant to be pressed if the user has unusually large fingers sporting heavy gold rings, or typing with a piece in his hand. “Text is converted in real-time to wiseguy using one of two modes of intonation: ‘With respect’ or ‘Dead to me’. Sentences are grammar corrected to include double negatives, and the space key function is replaced by six different ‘Silence’ keys: ‘Intense’, Knowing’, ‘Shrug’, ‘Shtum’, ‘Omertà’ and ‘Sleeps with fishes’. Praise for initial beta-testing was universal: “It’s freakin’ A” said Tommy Two Teeth. “Any stoopid, cockamamie, ugly, twisted, winky-faced, mother-f**kin’ semi-colon that shows up out of context at my cursor can now go kiss my sweet ass!”, expressed Angle-Grinder Paulie. Melville concluded: “And of course it’s free, as a special favour. But strangely, there were four frozen beef carcasses and a case of whisky found on Microsoft’s doorstep this morning, and Apple’s share price seems to be plummeting.”




First published 21 Nov 2023


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