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Thousands need hospital treatment after lockdown injuries


New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors.


2,700 people sought medical assistance after an accident with a jar lid, such as jam or chutney, and 349 were admitted to hospital after tussles with a dressing gown. More than 5,600 people required hospital attention after wandering into the kitchen and forgetting what they went in there for.


Working from home posed fresh hazards, with 2,243 people needing attention after coming into contact with revised company login procedures and 1,232 colliding with chairs after forgetting their password.


While many people found comfort during lockdowns by adopting pets, 7,386 people were admitted to English hospitals after being punched by a dog, while 60 others sought assistance after encounters with angry hamsters.


The number of people needing assistance after getting tired of looking out the window rose from 3 cases in 2019/20 to 18,367,290 in 2020/21


A lady in Wales was admitted to hospital after biting into an especially stale custard cream and 437 conservative brexiteers required emergency procedures after coming into contact with a book.


The NHS expects cases to reduce once bored immunity sets in.





First published 3 Jan 2022


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MoD to be funded by new Firework Tax



In some "out of the box but away from a naked light" thinking, the traditional model of funding the Ministry of Defence is to be dropped, and replaced with a 10% levy on all fireworks sold.


"It's a given that the Great British Public enjoys an impromptu firework display" said a Government Spokes-sparkler, "so we are linking this love of bangs and explosions to directly fund the defence of this great country"


Senior MoD officials were initially dismissive of the proposal as a joke, but an impromptu study carried out on New Year's Eve 2021 showed that the near continuous 4 hour barrage in the Portsmouth area would have generated enough income for a new aircraft carrier, four regiments of tanks and the down-payment on a Death Star.


Additional "firework" celebration days are now being proposed by the MoD, with Good Friday being followed by Whizz-Bang Saturday, Shrove Tuesday paired with Rocket Wednesday, and all remaining Bank Holidays designated no low-flying days to maximise the explosive fun.





First published 2 Jan 2022


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An infinity pool is just an over full pool, right?



I'm just asking, as we seem to be paying double for a pool that is on the verge of flooding. My husband was all like, we have to have this, but I'm now thinking we've been scammed.


Don't get me wrong, I like to swim, but it's just a normal pool but with a bit more water, right?


Do you think it's a plumbing issue? They had a flood and rather than fix it, some bright smart figured a way to make a quick buck.


What's that? A plunge pool? Really? They just haven't got round to fixing the hot tap.




First published 1 Jan 2022


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