top of page


ree

Following a painstaking investigation by BBC’s Panorama programme, convicted murderer The Rev Green, is to be released from prison after what’s being called a gross miscarriage of justice during the now infamous Cluedo Mansion murder case in 2016.


Green was sent down for a full life term without remission, following Mum’s revelation that it was he who committed the grizzly murder using a length of lead-piping in the mansion’s stately ballroom.


However, that conviction is now being called unsafe after new evidence emerged during the investigation accusing Mum of frequently cheating at all family board games.


Daughter, Tamsin, confirmed Mum had once stashed an extra £500 note from a second Monopoly set, in order to settle a crippling fine that would otherwise have seen her crash out of the game, after she landed on Mayfair which belonged to Toby who had two hotels on it.


Speaking to Panorama Dad said: ‘I’m gutted by this. You think you know someone and that they can be trusted… then they go and do something like this. Sickening! It’s impossible to convict Rev Green now, as we only have Mum’s word for it that the incriminating evidence was actually even in the envelope at that time.’


Nevertheless, Mum was putting on a brave face. They can go ahead and broadcast whatever they have but I’m not worried. I can’t imagine either Police or the CPS being remotely interested in what is clearly nothing more than just a silly trivial pursuit.




First published 6 Nov 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree








ree

Convicted criminals across the country have strongly suggested we should 'completely scrap' the criminal justice system.


Ben, who received a five year sentence just last week, is heading up the campaign: 'Its nothing to do with the fact I've just been convicted - that's complete pure coincidence. I've been thinking for ages we should just get rid of the criminal justice system entirely. I'm definitely right because all my mates agree. Pick-pocket-Paul backs me up, and so does Half-Inch-It-Ian. Whether I committed the crime or not is neither here nor there.'


Ben's mates have said they are 'horrified' at the current system which is 'fundamentally flawed' but couldn't really explain how. They are calling for Ben's immediate release and exoneration, saying that despite the mountain of evidence that he did commit a crime, scrapping the system entirely would override that.


This has prompted a number of other campaigns, with burglars unanimously voting to scrap security cameras, cyber criminals demanding we scrap firewalls and murderers proposing we scrap forensic pathologists.





First published 5 Nov 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree




ree

For decades A Levels have been a rite of passage for ambitious teenagers, struggling over lists of facts, complex equations and the harsh beauty of quantum theory. Now all that is to be swept aside in the most radical re-imagining of education since Oxford University somehow awarded a degree to Boris Johnson.


“The beauty of a slogan is you don’t need to think too hard. They’re explicitly designed to prevent thought“, a spokesman told us. “Who needs to know all the Civil War battles anyway? Knowledge stifles creativity – write that down, Janet – we need to keep the minds of working people clear so they can receive their instructions”.


Government policy is already largely determined by three word slogans. Brexit will eventually allow the tedious piles of books which codify English Law to be replaced with a few posters from Athena, clarifying even the most abstruse legal concepts.


“We got the idea from ‘Ready for Rishi’ “, the spokesman said. “Meaningless, but it’s spread like wildfire – by his detractors as well as his fans. That’s when it hit us – meaning is overrated. Quick, Janet, write that down”.


“A slogan is much easier to digest than, say, all the reactions in organic chemistry. OK, we won’t be able to design our own chemical plants any more – but we don’t need to, there’s China etc for that. Janet, write that down: ‘China Etc’ – it’ll come in handy. No, what we need is a compliant workforce. And I don’t mean all that dreadful EU-style compliance – data protection, health and safety, all that nonsense. No, what British industry is crying out for are helpful people who don’t mind dying occasionally. If the project goes well we might be able to switch off all the immigration, which would definitely make places like Birmingham seem a little less grim”.


The new streamlined A Levels have been likened to laminate flooring – a shiny veneer glued onto MDF. Private schools will retain Latin, which provides a better quality of veneer concealing the same glued-together sawdust. Which possibly explains Boris, now we come to think of it.


“Stop that!” the spokesman admonishes us. “Thought is weakness”.


So there we have it. Unclutter your mind, enjoy hard work and accept that fascism is fun. Write that down, Janet.



image from pixabay


First published 4 Nov 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



bottom of page