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Year in review: The news stories you wasted your life reading in 2022



'I have come amongst you, oh my readers,' said the Ghost of News Past, emerging from the headquarters of News International onto Wapping High Street and rattling its notebook and long-lens camera at onlookers in a most fearsome way, 'to fill you with shame and remorse for wasting your lives on all the inconsequential tripe we slopped out in 2022.'


'Looking back on it, why did you ever give a damn about the Wagatha trial? How empty are your days that you paid even the slightest attention to two footballers’ wives squabbling over the sum total of sod-all, and treating Britain's High Court like it was the public bar of a Merseyside pub?


'And why in the name of arse,' continued the spectre, 'did you ever think it mattered that Paul Someone and Holly Off-the-Telly jumped the queue to see the Queen’s coffin?


'Other things that you wasted your time and mental faculties on in 2022 include: Matt Hancock being a self-promoting twit in the jungle; the sordid, mangled saga of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard; Kate Bush and a song she sang 40 years ago; and watching Harry and Meghan reheating stale quarrels and hollow allegations for six hours solid on Netflix.


'That's six hours you will never get back,' added the phantom. 'You know that, don't you?'


'And you still haven’t learnt your lesson,' bellowed the Ghost of News Present, appearing alongside his fellow wraith, 'because you all continue to slavishly consume whatever toxic slime we serve up, day after day, about the idiot contestants on Love Island and I’m a Celebrity, along with creepy, paparazzi shots of a bikini-clad Gwynneth Paltrow on a winter holiday in Barbados.'


'I give you mortals fair warning,' wailed the Ghost of News Future, barging its way through the two other apparitions. 'To avoid turning your minds irreversibly to mush, you must ignore the stream of spurious non-stories we're planning to pump into the world in the days and weeks ahead - to be specific, anything about Cristiano Ronaldo, Megan Thee Stallion, cryptocurrencies or the Oxford English Dictionary making ‘goblin-mode’ its word of the year.'



First published 31 Dec 2022


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Toddler savaged by government watchdog



There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a government watchdog that had been left free to roam in a London Park.


The toddler, who hasn't been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored almost to the point of death by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.


The mite was also badly mauled in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so pissed on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn't know if they wanted a shit or haircut.


The child's mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night. "It's every parent's worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.


'We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there's just no way now. She's so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4 and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.'




First published 30 Dec 2021


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Government running out of melodramatic analogies for future variants



Panic has set in at the highest levels of Government after it has become apparent they may have peaked too early with their overblown analogies for the spread of the Omicron covid variant.


After describing this newest outbreak as both a tidal wave and tsunami, essentially the same thing, they haven’t left themselves an awful lot of room when going completely over the top describing the remaining variants.


As Tom Gilbert, Minister for Overreaction, told us, “Omega should be the ultimate variant with descriptions to match. The Day After Tomorrow type event. Now, we’ve virtually done that with several variants still to go.”


With the Media relying on Whitehall for panic inducing headlines, it remains to be seen whether the Government can maintain hyperbole escalation for the next variant. Whatever their efforts though, the public knows it will just be Pi in the sky.



First published 29 Dec 2021


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