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Newsbiscuit generously opens borders to flood of Twitterian migrants


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With the worsening situation in Twitteria catching the public eye, reports indicate tens of hundreds of thousands of millions of inhabitants of Twitteria are heading for the borders. They are seeking safe passage and a warm welcome - or a safe welcome and a warm passage - on other social sites where their acknowledged literary skills may help raise the standards of satire, debate and humour. One of the sites that has welcomed the potential influx is People's Republic of Newsbiscuitonia.


"I'll be honest," said a long time Biscuiteer, "we've never managed to reach the levels of cat photos. How do they do that in Twitteria? I'd love it if some of their top wits could work alongside us and impart their skills and knowledge."


One Twitterian, looking across the border at Newsbiscuitonia, wasn't so sure. "Don't they have emojis? Ewww, how primitive. Or maybe they just don't know how to use them? And as for arguments and rage, there only seems to be one subject they argue about - solar flannels or something? They do seem a really sleepy idle lot. I mean, it's like, a thread in Newsbiscuit lasts maybe, 6 messages, and then dies, right? Where's all the thousands of reposts and insults and likes and shares? And Y do they spel stuf out in ful 2 xplain things? I think a few good Twitterians could take this place in minutes. We'd swamp it."


Negotiations between the Twitterian ambassador and the Newsbiscuitonian Home Secretary (NHS) have progressed to a stage where the NHS explained, "We need these migrant workers to keep our staffing levels up. Many of our existing members are increasingly elderly, frail and demented.


'"An influx of healthy, vibrant, young blood is what we all need. Especially at this time of year. There will be extra demand on A&E (Amusement & Euphemism) units in the run-up to Christmas. We don't want to keep re-cycling the same old crackers jokes. We're sure these wonderful, elegant, subtle creatures from Twitteria could be just the yeast our doughy old mix needs. Or kneads. That's a joke! Ha-Ha! You see, it's working already!"




First published 20 Nov 2022


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Boris Johnson off to see the Wizard of Oz, with Jacob Rees-Mogg and Dominic Raab


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The Prime Minister today announced that he shall be setting off to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, accompanied by Jacob "Tin Man" Rees-Mogg, and Dominic "Scarecrow" Raab, in order to secure help in the Tory Party finding it's way home. This was caused by a terrible storm of back-handers which physically lifted the Tory Party into the air and dropped it in what turned out to be familiar territory. On encountering the Wicked Witch of the Centre-Left, Kier Starmer, in the House of Con-Mens, Boris raised his fists shouting put 'em up, put 'em up, then ran off when Starmer actually did.


Rees-Mogg, famous for his caring attitude to victims of flammable cladding, and Raab, whose grasp of important import-export routes in the UK is the stuff of legend, will accompany Johnson in his quest. They hoped to be cheered on their way by The Back-Benchkins, but will not be joined by Nicola "Dorothy" Sturgeon, renowned for singing "somewhere over in Glasgow". Many of the Back-Benchkins are Friends of Dorothy, but are rather too coy to come out and say so.


They hope to make "much progress, very soon" but have been warned of the difficulties with border checks when trying to enter the home of the Wizard, The Emerald Isle.






First published 19 Nov 2021


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'My old man didn't fight in WW2 just so I'd be forced into having Covid jabs,' says total moron.


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Barry S*ite, a moronic costermonger from Billericay, is still refusing to take government advice to get vaccinated and help combat Covid. The fifty-three year-old argues it’s a breach of his civil liberties and his inherent right to do "whatever he likes and f*ck the rest of them".


'My Dad and his Dad didn’t fight in two World Wars to win our freedom only for subsequent governments to tell me I have to allow myself to be jabbed with some stuff, that not only protects me but also those around me too. What's all that about? Daft or what!


'And anyway, this Covid is a load of old pony. It doesn’t really exist. I know that cos I have a mate who’s a doctor in London and he says it’s all just made-up to sell newspapers and that. Oh, and by the way, according to an anti-vax group I belong to on Facebook, just one tiny dose has more proteins than a dozen eggs and introduces three different types of nanoprobe GPS tracking devices into your bloodstream.


'If some bloody oldies fall off the twig then tough luck because that’s life, isn’t it? They’ve all had a good innings. Yeah? It means that I can get around the supermarket a lot easier without them clogging up the aisles with their wheelies, loitering beside the cheeses gossiping to one another about Bert having a bag fitted or Gladys dying last week.


'I voted for Boris to get Brexit done and he did, but why is he now treating us like we’re still under the European jackboot? Well I for one shan't capitulate to state pressure. I've never had a day's illness in my life. Fit as a bleedin' fiddle I am, mate.'






First published 18 Nov 2021


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