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It has been announced that by using the same hologram technology, where Elvis was able to appear ‘live’ on stage despite him being dead for over forty years, The Winston Churchill Roadshow will be rolling into a town near you from next week.


Confined to light duties, as that's about all aides dare trust him with, Boris Johnson Johnson has been put in charge of the project. ‘I’m just working on this with the brainboxes. We'll soon have the technology in place to enable us to have Sir Winston live in concert, reciting some of his iconic wartime speeches, backed by the Glen Miller Orchestra,' Mr Johnson enthused.


‘The show will be hosted by music hall icons, Flanagan and Allen, and will visit parks and piazzas around the country to give us all a good dose of old fashioned British vim, vigour and spunk,’ added Dominic Raab, looking lovingly into the PM's eyes.


On hearing the news, one Young Conservative who for some inexplicable reason still dreams about Britain's past glories of World War victories and Empires, was beside himself with delight. Fiddling with his flies in an attempt to disguise an unsightly stain, the chinless former Harrow Head Boy said: ‘This is the best possible pick-me-up our great nation could have been given and just what we need to banish our blues.


‘I knew Boris wouldn’t let us down. When he sees a job that needs doing he doesn’t drag his heels by announcing half measures. He just rolls up his shirt-sleeves and gets on with the task. He got Brexit done and he will now get Covid done, or kill us all in trying.’





First published 4 Jan 2022


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New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors.


2,700 people sought medical assistance after an accident with a jar lid, such as jam or chutney, and 349 were admitted to hospital after tussles with a dressing gown. More than 5,600 people required hospital attention after wandering into the kitchen and forgetting what they went in there for.


Working from home posed fresh hazards, with 2,243 people needing attention after coming into contact with revised company login procedures and 1,232 colliding with chairs after forgetting their password.


While many people found comfort during lockdowns by adopting pets, 7,386 people were admitted to English hospitals after being punched by a dog, while 60 others sought assistance after encounters with angry hamsters.


The number of people needing assistance after getting tired of looking out the window rose from 3 cases in 2019/20 to 18,367,290 in 2020/21


A lady in Wales was admitted to hospital after biting into an especially stale custard cream and 437 conservative brexiteers required emergency procedures after coming into contact with a book.


The NHS expects cases to reduce once bored immunity sets in.





First published 3 Jan 2022


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In some "out of the box but away from a naked light" thinking, the traditional model of funding the Ministry of Defence is to be dropped, and replaced with a 10% levy on all fireworks sold.


"It's a given that the Great British Public enjoys an impromptu firework display" said a Government Spokes-sparkler, "so we are linking this love of bangs and explosions to directly fund the defence of this great country"


Senior MoD officials were initially dismissive of the proposal as a joke, but an impromptu study carried out on New Year's Eve 2021 showed that the near continuous 4 hour barrage in the Portsmouth area would have generated enough income for a new aircraft carrier, four regiments of tanks and the down-payment on a Death Star.


Additional "firework" celebration days are now being proposed by the MoD, with Good Friday being followed by Whizz-Bang Saturday, Shrove Tuesday paired with Rocket Wednesday, and all remaining Bank Holidays designated no low-flying days to maximise the explosive fun.





First published 2 Jan 2022


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