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Nigeria in talks with UK for return of Rees-Mogg



Following recent successful negotiations with several museums in the UK for the return of looted artefacts, the Nigerian government are now believed to be in the advanced stages of talks to secure the return of Victorian missionary, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


Rees-Mogg, who is estimated to be over two hundred years old, disappeared from his mission station in a jungle clearing close to the capital, Abuja, in 1847.


Initially, it was thought that the Roman Catholic member of the White Fathers evangelical order had been killed by native tribesmen and possibly eaten, but he then re-emerged in the Horniman Museum in South London where he remained on display in a glass cabinet for almost half a century, kept alive on a diet of hard tack biscuits, acorn gruel and holy water


In the 1960s, a deal was struck with the Rees-Mogg family who took him back to the family home in Somerset where he enjoyed a brief career as a performer in a local music hall, singing sea shanties and Victorian love ditties in a high falsetto while riding back and forth across the stage on a penny-farthing bicycle.


He then entered politics and became the Conservative member for East Somerset and more recently the Minister For Brexit Opportunities.


After failing to find any, he asked to be returned to the museum where he remains in the basement, awaiting restoration work on his knees and monocle.


A museum spokesman told newsmen last night: 'We realise that Jacob may have been looted so we are very much open to returning him to Nigeria.


'Let them pay for his kedgeree breakfasts and monthly subscription to Mature Nannies In Suspenders.'


In 1947, the museum successfully fought off an action to return Ann Widdecombe to the United States after they claimed she had been looted from The House of Grotesques on Coney Island by drunken matelots from HMS Bulwark in 1870.




First published 30 Nov 2022


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Alien who asked 'take me to your leader' taken to Martin Lewis





An Alien who landed on Earth in Norfolk, for that is where all aliens choose to visit first, asked a local human if it would be OK to meet with the leader of Britain.


Gerald Noyce, a rural dweller who is used to encountering extra-terrestrials, assisted the alien with her polite request. 'I definitely wasn't going to subject her to those headless chickens in Downing Street. I mean, can you imagine the shame of introducing someone who's travelled millions of light years to that utter shower?


'So my first thought was Fry. No, not Stephen, that lovely Hannah Fry professor lady. She knows what she's doing and she's a squillion times more engaging than any politician Britain has ever had. But in the end, the choice was staring me in the face. I mean, it's got to be Martin Lewis, right? He had this "trusted voices" meeting thing he was invited to attend, and he's done more to actually help people than every Tory Minister in history added together.


'He was really nice to the alien, didn't order any tests on her or anything, listened to what she had to say, and even helped her choose the best insurance for her spacecraft.'




First published 29 Nov 2022


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Posh YouTubers solve cost of living crisis by not shopping at Waitrose



A pair of upper class YouTube stars are being hailed as heroes after devising an ingenious method for money saving during a time of financial instability for many families. Coining it ‘LowWaitrose’, their suggestion is that struggling households can save important pennies by limiting how much they shop at Waitrose supermarkets. In a new video the pair described this trick with their distinctly Etonian accents:


‘It’s a universal feeling to enjoy a good Waitrose shop, but we actually saved money by getting our groceries from places other than Waitrose - a huge life hack I’m not sure many families are aware of. It will still be there for your essential grocery items, like a Duck Parfait or Truffle Oil, but we think limiting your Waitrose exposure could really make a dent in this cost of living crisis. We even came across this niche German supermarket called Lidl and let me tell you the mini-pizzas are sublime.’


The online stars then went on to describe how even though they personally didn’t need to change their shopping habits, they understand how many people are affected by the soaring food prices.


‘While we can more than afford to get a Waitrose Finest Bronze Turkey on a regular basis, we understand how for so many people that dream has become really difficult. You should really be in the loop about a place called Sainsbury’s, even though you might not find us shopping there.’


On social media the YouTubers hinted that in their next video they would be tackling the NHS waiting lists by using Private Healthcare.



image from pixabay



First published 28 Nov 2023


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