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Wordle to replace CBeebies, CBBC



Secretary of State for Eating Ostrich Anus, Nadine Dorries, is fully defunding the pinko, commie, Britain-hating BBC, to ingratiate herself with the Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch. Co-conspirator in hate Julia Hartley-Brewer added the BBC shouldn't produce content that she herself doesn’t directly consume – she finds CBeebies too advanced. Dorries is therefore replacing all CBeebies and CBBC programmes with Wordle, the free, once-a-day, 5-letter game. Once the game is completed the channels will play the national anthem on a loop. In solidarity, Dorries’ next novel will contain no words longer than 5 letters.


Parent Karolina Krychowiak noted ‘If you come for CBeebies, we will kill you and make it look like an accident. Mr Tumble is always watching. Words that describe the Tories mostly have 4 letters, but I suppose the plurals have 5.’



First published 20 Jan 2022


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No. 10's mea culpa to The Palace sparks wave of copycat apologies



Number 10's apology to Buckingham Palace last week has sparked a number of copycat incidents with more buildings now seemingly wanting to make amends for previous transgressions between one another.


A leading expert in building conflict resolution commented: 'It seems there is a lot of repressed sorrow and regret between many buildings and last week's very public apology has set things in train. So far we know of one semidetached bungalow in Carshalton that has taken out an ad in the local paper apologising to the town hall for its jibes on Twitter about the town hall's unkempt toilet facilities.'


And NewsBiscuit understands French and British diplomats are on alert, with rumours rife regarding the possibility of a high-profile controversial apology being issued between Blackpool and Eiffel Towers over longstanding accusations of blatant plagiarism.




First published 19 Jan 2022


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BBC alienates last remaining viewer



Paul Singh (58) had doggedly stuck by the UK broadcaster through thick and thicker, enduring the BBC being accused of bias, corruption and three series of Mrs Brown’s Boys. The last straw for Paul, was when the BBC Panorama ran a five-part documentary entitled ‘Why Paul Singh is a C$nt?’.


Said long-suffering Paul: ‘I’m not saying I don’t like shoddy journalism, vacuous game shows and pontificating celebrities – it’s just that I’ve already got ITV’.




First published 18 Jan 2022


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