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Biden sends military aid to Gettysburg


The US president signed-off on military aid to Union soldiers in 1865, newly discovered documents have shown. He also sent cannon to Lord Nelson to help tip the balance of power at the Battle of Trafalgar. Embarrassed Whitehouse staff admitted finding the batch of classified documents in the president's fridge, alongside his car keys and slippers. His dentures are still missing.



First published 13 Jan 2023


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Djokovic attended Downing Street lockdown party claim witnesses



The worlds much-loved number one tennis bellend is said to be amongst 370 people who attended the event in May 2020. The claim increases pressure on the worlds much-loved number one prime ministerial bellend. Mr Johnson says he can’t recall anything, can’t spell the word ‘party’ in any case, and strenuously denies even knowing who Djokovic is.


“Ah…um...well…jolly tricky all this. I did remember being introduced to some sporting chappie, but frankly, they all look the same after a couple of bottles of vintage Dom Perignon.’


A Downing Street spokesman denied that any rules had been broken apart from the ones that were: ‘There’s nothing in the rules to say that Mr Djokovic, who wasn’t here, by the way, cannot play tennis with senior cabinet ministers, who also weren’t here. There is also no truth in the spurious rumours that Prince Andrew, who didn't attend, served canapes, or that Melania Trump, who also wasn’t here, was fired out of a canon. Mind you, it was pretty bloody spectacular, even though no one was here and nothing happened.’





First published 12 Jan 2022


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Row as Gove's lift doors aren't welded shut



An enquiry has been launched at Broadcasting House following delays yesterday in a welding team to arrive to weld shut lift doors containing Michael Gove.


A spokesman explained the chain of events; "At around 8am, Mr Gove entered, what I now understand, was a specially prepared lift. Unfortunately, notification of this wasn't passed onto the UK Risk Containment Board and the welding team wasn't scrambled until it was too late and Mr Gove had escaped, er, left the lift."


It's understood that the lift containing Mr Gove was planned to be sold to a group of somewhat irate fishermen.





First published 11 Jan 2022


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