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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 30

Ceramic boy with callipers, declared fit for work.




The Department for Work and Pensions have accused the charity box of siphoning off vital funds. The child-shaped statue was left unattended since 1970 outside a tobacconist in Battersea; which many passers-by had simply assumed it was a memorial to Janette Krankie. Looking like a mini-Roger Federer, standing on one leg, the boy has been told to file a disability claim or at least cut the DWP in on the scam.






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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 28

Covid-19 so last year, says virus G4 EA H1N1.




China has identified a new flu strain that will soon have heads turning on the catwalks of Milan and stomachs churning in the bathrooms of Bognor. The new virus is destined to set hearts a flutter and temperatures racing; described as not so much the ‘new black’ as the new ‘Black Death’.


Followers of fashion are advised to throw out their old Coronavirus gowns and buy the new range of must-have PPE.  Developed by G4 EA H1N1, these tasteful ensembles include a figure-hugging hazmat suit, diamond encrusted mask and your very own Versace ventilator. 


Guaranteed to capture your imagination, along with your immune systems, the G4 EA H1N1 is set to sweep through Europe. One fashion editor described the new virus as ‘to die for’.



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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 27

NHS gets a £10 HMV voucher for its 70th birthday.



Instead of £20bn in funding, the NHS will have to make do with more modest gifts like socks, scented candles and an ironically titled 'self-help' guide. Another potential 'present' was three months of NHS free-parking - but that was calculated to be worth more than the £20bn. The Health Department’s bestowal will also have an accompanying card, entitled 'Get Well Soon'.






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