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When driverless vehicles become a genuine possibility the expectation is that they will communicate with each other, so if for example a BMW in the outside lane of a motorway imagines that a Range Rover will allow it to cut across its path at the last second it can reach the slip road, the conversation between the vehicles of “Don’t even try it, Sonny”, will have occurred miles before the slip road.


It’s hoped this will lead to fewer accidents, but dating apps have cottoned on that driverless vehicle technology can assist with the pursuit of romance.


“When you think about it” said Deirdre Milf, a dating consultant, “lonely people travel up and down the country, unaware that their ideal partner might be in the car next to them. It seems logical to find a way we can use our date matching data to best advantage. There’s precious little chance of a lonely heart in Swansea taking up our match of an ideal partner in Sunderland, but little would the two know how close they were to each other when they neared the dogging sites in Dudley. Our proposed app will give the couple the opportunity to accept or decline the liaison of a lifetime in real time.”


Deirdre went on to explain that as part of their proposed service, in addition to the two vehicles being directed by the app to the same dogging area, it would be possible to set liason preferences such as:


  • Sites with wash facilities and condom machines

  • Dogging sites selling alcohol and fags to recover with

  • Reserved parking places (premium charge)

  • Floristry machines

  • Jewellery machines


Deirdre added she was very excited about the email from Head Office she saw arrive as we were talking, entitled “2 in 1 special offer” and if it means what she hopes it does, she’d definitely be up for it.


image from pixabay



First published 31 Jan 2022


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Explaining the new ruling, a health spokesperson said: 'I know we said you needed them and technically syphilis is still a thing, but we need to protect your freedom to experience unwanted pregnancy. Besides, men look like an idiot with one on. How is your penis expected to breathe?. And the PM has been leading on this for years'.




First published 30 Jan 2022


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There have been calls from the Conservative back benches for an enquiry into why it the Met so long to initiate an investigation into the long delay in anyone calling for a report into the reasons why Her Majesty's Opposition have been so slow in demanding a Civil-Service-led enquiry into the hesitation by the police to investigate the long hold-up in the publication of the result of a study by any official of the reasons why any investigation of the appropriateness of appointing Sue Gray as the civil servant to carry out her eponymous report was a legitimate course of action by the prime minister.


There has been no confirmation of reports that attendees of a series of strictly-business-only Downing St. meeting to discuss the progress of investigations into these delays played dance music, wore paper hats and were served alcoholic drinks, things-on-cocktail-sticks, sausage rolls, biscuits and even - wait for it - celebratory cake.




First published 29 Jan 2022


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