top of page
Search

Pie left in vehicle overnight



Despite a window sticker declaring otherwise, a driver’s lovely steak and ale pie was left in his vehicle overnight and has now been stolen.


A strange sense of foreboding overwhelmed joiner Daz as he approached his van first thing in the morning. Something was wrong. The pie.


Daz confessed: “I knew it immediately, against my better instincts I’d left a pie in the vehicle overnight instead of taking it indoors. And now it’s gone.


“As a rule I never leave pastry-based food items in the van. They’re a magnet for hungry chancers, I have a ‘No pies left in this vehicle overnight’ passive-aggressive notice in the window informing opportunists to jog on. I thought I’d get away with it by hiding the steak and ale treat under a stack of valuable power tools, what a fool!


At the scene Detective Frank Higson, commented: “I’ve been working patisserie on this patch for thirty years. It’s a situation I encounter all too frequently. A workman stops at the bakery on the way home, gets an extra pie and leaves it in the van for a pre-breakfast breakfast. Come the morning, it’s gone. The gangs responsible are organised and use a sophisticated setup of sniffer drunks after closing time. Those pissheads can pinpoint a pie in pig shit in the middle of a pyramid.


“Joiner Daz’s pie will be a thousand miles away by now, deconstructed and sold for parts. The case and crust will be split to form the bases of dozens of hor d’oeuvre and amuse bouche hits, scored in the shadowy, cobbled backstreets of middle-class, Tuscan villages.


“The meat? That will be dried and ground into a fine powder, and snorted by hedonistic businessmen as an aphrodisiac in the plush penthouse suites of opulent far east hotels.


“And the rich dark jus? My guess; right now it’s being seductively licked off the heaving bosom of a high-class hooker on the lip of a crystal blue infinity pool on an oligarch’s billion dollar luxury yacht… or, the thief scoffed it on the spot.”


Joiner Daz, deflatedly added: “Well, at least there’s still a couple of mini scotch eggs in the exhaust pipe… what? Oh, great!”




First published 25 Nov 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
















Celeb returns to twitter to see if their flounce worked


On Friday, the star told their 12 million followers: 'That's it, I'm off, I can't stand what Twitter has become.' At 2pm, the same day, they tweeted: 'And another thing, I think those that Tweet are dreadful people.' And again at 7pm: '$8 is outrageous'.


After a weekend of careful reflection, they sent the following: 'Why didn't you all follow me to my new platform? Hello? Is anyone there? Hey, look at this, it's a picture of me with a salad and James Corden.


'PLEASE LIKE.'



First published 24 Nov 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Council admits building cycle lanes purely for profit



West Limpley District Council has admitted to creating 23 miles of cycle lanes in order to save money. The council has previously been praised for its commitment to active travel (walking and cycling), but it now seems that the real motive was purely financial.


A council spokesman said that the road maintenance budget had been under great pressure. The transport department had suggested that cycle lanes would be cheaper to maintain as bicycles cause less wear and tear than cars and trucks. Changing existing roads into cycle lanes was forecast to yield some small savings on resurfacing and repairs, spread over many years.


The council then realised that it could install enforcement cameras, and fine drivers who strayed into the cycle lanes. Having issued fines totalling over £60,000 on the first day for one single cycle lane camera, the council knew it was onto a winner. In the next three months, it created 23 miles of cycle lanes and installed 300 enforcement cameras. It now has an enormous income from fines, which it is using to increase Councillors’ expense allowances. And to spend on social care. Probably.


Cycling groups are unimpressed. They say that the cycle lanes are in the wrong places, don’t join up and don’t help people out of cars and onto bikes. The council’s response is that (a) they don’t care, because the money is rolling in, and (b) that it’s difficult to take anyone seriously when they are wearing that much lycra.






First published 23 Nov 2023


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
















bottom of page