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Whole of Portsmouth shocked as Tories put a SCUMMER in Downing Street


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After another shocking week in politics that has seen Rishi Sunak, Southampton’s 2nd favourite son (after Craig David) appointed Prime Minister their South Coast neighbour and longstanding football rival Portsmouth has said enough is enough. For years the people of Portsmouth (or Pompey) have referred to their Western rivals as ‘Scummers’, while in Southampton they referred to those in the Naval city as ‘Skates’.


A local Pompey councillor has called for an immediate referendum so the island of Portsea can become an independent republic after ‘Yet another Tory PM we didn’t vote for !’. He might claim to be from India or Yorkshire or that he was educated in Winchester or Oxford but he was born in Sarf’ampton & that makes him a SCUMMER in our eyes !


On the outskirts of the city, Hilsea residents have set roadblocks on the M275 and Eastern Road with military support from Portsmouth’s famous Royal Navy field gun crew. Thousands of refugees from nearby Paulsgrove and Farlington have camped out on the M27 motorway hoping to cross the narrow strip of water on makeshift rubber boats or risking Aqua Taxis to enter the heavily fortified Royal dockyard city. The Red Cross are predicting a humanitarian crisis as there aren’t enough Iceland pizzas or cans of Stella to sustain the local population.


Newsbiscuit sources believe that Portsmouth North MP Penny Mordaunt has been imprisoned in the Tower of London to prevent any attempted coup. Valiant Portsmouth residents are appealing for donations of Lidl & Aldi fireworks in preparation for a bombardment of Southampton using the historic dockyard’s HMS Victory’s cannons.


Local resident Lippy Mush who’d just had a fight outside the Fawcett Inn said ‘We’re not being racist, we don’t care what colour or religion the Prime Minister is just as long as he don’t come from f***ing Sarf’ampton’.





First published 29 Oct 2022


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Miserly London merchant welcomes Christmas shortages if they foretell of a shorter Christmas


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is reported that Mr Ebenezer Scrooge, merchant of this Parish, has let it be known that Christmas this year will be much reduced in both its size, and, more importantly, in its expense, and that can only be for the betterment of mankind.


In support of this assertion, he cites the many shortcomings that will befall this festive season, many already reported by this august publication. The likes of poultry and game, pork in its many guises, and amusements for the children.


Mr Scrooge declares, “If small girls desire a little pony, then let them be sent to the mines where they may become acquainted with many such animals. And boys that crave the most recent game of warfare, let them take the Queen’s shilling and have their fill of mortal combat. And what are we to make of hanging a stocking upon the mantel in the hope of receiving gifts from some imagined jolly benefactor? The very idea. Far better, and more profitable for the household, that they be handed a brush and sweep the chimney clean.”


This most parsimonious Gentleman also decries the need for large roasted fowl upon the Christmas table. “In the absence of such extravagance I suggest a simple bowl of gruel. These years past I have found such to be amply sustaining and always readily available. “


Touching upon the subject of the ‘Christmas spirit’, Mr Scrooge became far more animated in his voice and gesture. “Humbug! I have experienced at first hand this Spirit and much good it did me. A thoroughly unpleasant experience where for a moment I was encouraged to enter fully into this seasonal folly and lavish largesse upon all and sundry. Thankfully I was able to regain my senses and put the whole distasteful business behind me, but not before I had spent far more than any man in his right mind should feel obliged to.”





First published 28 Oct 2021


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Tesco to launch three for the price of two refuse collections


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As councils throughout the land struggle to cope with their duty to provide refuse collection services now that the majority of their truck drivers are now working for retailers, Tesco has been keen to address the impending disaster by adding refuse collection to the range of services it offers its customers.


To launch this service, the supermarket is giving a time-limited offer of refuse collection three times for the price of twice. Details of how this will work out in practice remain vague at this time, but a Tesco spokesperson was keen to point out that Clubcard points would be earned on every occasion that Tesco took away the contents of its customers' waste bins, which most likely contain unnecessary packaging and uneaten ready meals.


The spokesperson went on to say: It's a well known fact that Colman's made more money out of the mustard left on the side of the plate than was made from the mustard consumed, so we're very keen to learn what we're doing right for the sake of our shareholders.


'Collecting our customers' waste will allow us to analyse in a way that wasn't previously possible. We can establish in more detail what it was we were flogging that our customers didn't actually want, meaning we can focus our marketing to sell them more of it.

One customer, Deirdre from Wandsworth, thought it was the best thing she'd heard of in years. 'I'm really looking forward to having my bin emptied three times on the day the dustcart comes round, even if it costs twice as much. The bloody council wouldn't have dreamed of offering a service like this.'





First published 27 Oct 2021


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