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Full list of sensitively edited books by Roald Legume-Stew



To avoid giving offence, Roald Legume-Stew’s books have been sensitively edited for modern times. Here is a complete list of those cleansed thus far:


James and the Large Botanical Product That Self Identifies as a Peach

Charlie and the Nutritional Ingredient Manufacturing Facility

Fairly Typical Mr/Mrs/Ms/Mx Fox

The EGEP (enormous genial enormous person)

George’s Marvellous Untested Nutritional Supplement

Danny The Citizen of The World

The Wonderful Story of Henry Nutritional Supplement



First published 21 Feb 2023


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Offensive content removed from Roald Dahl, leaving 400 blank pages



After a major rehaul to update the author’s work to match modern sensibilities, his publishers were surprised to find that they had erased his entire catalogue. Confessed one editor: ‘Once we trimmed out all the references to fat, ugly and annoying characters, we were left with ‘they lived happily ever after’ and a doodle of peach.’


Complained an avid fan: ‘Who wants to read ‘Charlie and the Vegan Allotment’, ‘The moderately impressive, non-gender specific fox’ or ‘Danny, just another symbol of the patriarchy’? Some art is meant to be provocative; if I wanted something bland and inoffensive I’d have commissioned a nativity play starring James Corden.’


Dahl’s rewritten texts will feature perfectly lovely people being perfectly lovely to each other – where the only villain is Jordan Peterson. The editor said: ‘The title of ‘The Twits’ was already toned down from ‘The ClusterF$ckers’ – or the ‘Brexiteers’ for short.’



First published 20 Feb 2023


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Following the Fawlty Towers revival, Netflix announces an On The Buses reboot




One of the worst-kept entertainment secrets has now been revealed. Netflix have commissioned a brand new series of the legendary 1970s sitcom. It is also confirmed that Emma Thompson has been appointed as Executive Director / Producer. At a media briefing she gushed:-



“On The Buses, (or OTB as us thesps call it!) was the drama series that inspired me to become an actress, and has formed the backdrop to my life, relationships and work ever since.



I have already approached my dear friend Salmy – Salman Rushdie of course – to write the scripts. He was a bit concerned that he has not written comic material before but I assured him that that never bothered the original writers.



My dear dear friend Stephen Fry has absolutely insisted that he has the part of the driver Stan Butler. He will of course bring the acumen and gravitas to the role that Reg Varney sometimes struggled to deliver. And as soon as the rumours circulated that this classic was in the pipeline, my phone didn’t stop ringing! I answered an early call and a voice screamed down the phone ‘I hate you Butler!’ I recognised it immediately - it was of course my dear dear dear friend Hugh Grant!! He was born to play the part of Blakey!!!”



Miss Thompson continued “we will of course ensure that the plots are brought bang up to date and reflect the 21st century. We now see Olive as a sexy, attractive, politically-savvy, intelligent, independent, compassionate and caring character. We haven’t cast the role yet but watch this space!” At this point reporters noted Miss Thompson simpering coyly.



Miss Thompson concluded “Netflix are already aware that cinema spin-offs of the series were amongst the top-grossing films of the 1970s. They have asked me to sketch out a full-length feature – working title ‘Transgender Strategies and Seating Arrangements On The Buses’”.



First published 19 Feb 2023


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