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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 6

UK meets its target to import more dead immigrants.




The PM insisted that Britain’s delivery of slaves and sex workers will be as reliable as ever. He explained that post-Brexit the UK would continue to be a world leader in lorries of dead refugees and will be in a position to strike its own trade deals with traffickers and friends of Prince Andrew. ‘We will free ourselves of burdensome EU red tape and ensure a free-flow of Syrians to our sweat shops. People are concerned about lorry congestion around Dover, but if your cargo is all dead, what's the delay of a few hours?’


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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 4

Zoos reopen – 2 metre distancing from lions, just enough to give you a head start.




Boris Johnson has announced that safari parks will open on June 15th and insisted that a two-metre exclusion zone should provide the hungry lions with a bit of fun. Covid restrictions still mean you cannot take a giraffe to the cinema – primarily, as their head gets in the way.


One Zookeeper remarked: ‘I already wear a face mask when I’m around the chinchillas, as they hate bad teeth. I wash my hands twice after fondling a lemur, because they’re dirty little bastards. A strict two metre distance from the penguins, is safe but, hold on…lions, tigers and bears – oh my!’




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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 1

Boris promises £1.8bn to NHS to cover his paternity tests.





In a one-off payment to the NHS, the new Prime Minister has promised to fully fund maternity wards inundated with mewling blond-haired homunculi. He said that hospitals should also be prepared for steep rise in ex-wives seeking anti-depressants and a cure for Brexit.


Worst still will be the cost of nappies, as Boris is famous for taking a huge dump and not clearing up his mess. Said one Nurse: 'I was told to spank a chubby baby on his arse but I told him, have some self-respect Prime Minister.’




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