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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 13

NHS becomes part of Walmart.





Parliament voted overwhelmingly to reject Clause 17 to protect the NHS from overseas buyers, opening the way for health care to be delivered somewhere between aisles 16 and 17. The Government insisted that the NHS will continue to be free at the point of access, at least until you reach the checkout till. 


Customers, or patients as they were once known, will still get full treatment or the choice of a delicious range of frozen pizzas. Your local A&E will conveniently be relocated to your nearest ASDA branch, in a small kiosk next to Timpson.


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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 11

 ‘Are you sure the virus won’t spread in schools?’ asks Nit.




Plans to re-open the UK’s schools have been dismissed as unrealistic, as social distancing would require your average classroom to be the size of a football pitch. Naturally, students are renowned for spreading infections; just look at head lice or gossip about who is pregnant.


The idea that teenagers will not share diseases is fanciful, given that they spend all their time trying to share bodily fluids and Tik Tok moves.  The only way to stop the spread of a virus in a school, is to wrap it up in a homework assignment.


While the Government has identified children as low risk group, they seem to have forgotten the staff within the schools or the creepy old guys hanging around the school gates. Children are also likely to take infections home – almost as deadly as their dirty PE kits.


The main reason to open schools is to get parents back to work: ‘I’m tired of being a glorified baby-sitter. They’re just lazing around, not helping with the housework, looking at porn online and eating all the cereal – they need to go out!’ said one concerned child.




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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 9

Shadowy fence-panelling cartel behind all storms.





Evidence has emerged that the havoc wrecked upon the UK’s gardens, by severe gales, may have been premeditated. From their lair, on the dark side of the moon, evil fencing masterminds have aimed a weather ray-gun at the Earth. This secret device can create a gust of wind, so powerful, that it can level an area 5ft by 5ft – destroying hanging baskets, dislodging any wrought-iron heron and leaving your begonias in a state of carnage.


The bloody reputation of The Cartel has led to many a gardener waking up in bed next to a decapitated garden gnome. Your average storm can lead to months of regular work, for any two-man panelling team; with a monopoly on dip-treated, overlap panels of illegally trafficked Colombian lattice. Unsurprisingly the Cartel has won the tender for Trump’s border wall – having opted for a four-foot-high tongue and groove, with trellis for a rose bush.  




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