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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 20

Closing Sky News is less of a threat, it’s more of a relief.






The threat to close its news division, if it impedes Fox’s takeover, has been greeted with a modicum of indifference and widespread hope. For many, the absence of Sky News is like the end of white noise - with the emphasis on the word ‘white’.


Arguably, Sky News has always been a bit of a misnomer, a pioneer, blurring the boundary between journalism and a magic eight-ball. Ending Sky News will leave a hole in everyone’s life and there is no greater ‘a hole’ than Adam Boulton. Said one concerned fan: ‘Where will the public get an equivalent news feed?’ It’s not as if everyone has access to a racist Aunt, who thinks Jeremy Corbyn killed Madeleine McCann.’


While as threats go, Sky’s ranks alongside the Wicked Witch’s infamous: ‘I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too! But keep the shoes. They match your dress perfectly. Does anyone have a glass of water? I’m parched’.




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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 17

Even the Child Catcher thinks schools are unsafe.




The UK's decision to reopen schools during Covid is in marked contrast to Vulgaria, which remains in lockdown, ever since Truly Scrumptious contracted Coronavirus and type-2 diabetes. Complained the Child Catcher: ‘How can I socially distance from the children if they are all crammed into the same wagon. When I kidnap, I kidnap in bubbles of two, not thirty!’ 


'Normally I'd be in favour of vulnerable children wandering the streets but quite frankly it’s far too dangerous. And licking lollypops is just going to spread the infection. My job is to catch children, not viruses.’

He admitted that wearing a mask had seriously restricted his ability to sniff out kiddie-winks. Also, he had been forced to adapt his catchphrase to: ‘Here we are children, come and get your hand sanitizer'. 



 





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Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Aug 15

Wikitribune – the new ‘NewsBiscuit’.






Wikipedia's co-founder, Jimmy Wales, has set out his intention to break the monopoly held by ‘Newsbiscuit’ on dubious facts, inept spelling and spurious tax returns. Mr. Wales hopes that Wikitribune will become the online news-provider of choice for plagiarizing students and cheating pub quiz teams.


Unlike Newsbiscuit, Wikitribune will be ad-free; leaving many readers concerned as to where to find reliable penis enlargement firms?  They will not be using the tried and  tested ‘John O'Farrell model’, whereby you do not pay your reporters – in the hope that journalistic integrity is maintained through malnutrition, sleeping rough and selling blood.


Even if you try to counteract bad journalism, you will inevitably descend into gossip about celebrity sex tapes and Isle of Wight trivia. Mused one Newsbiscuit staff writer: ‘Give an infinite number monkeys, an infinite number of typewriters and you’re probably going to upset the delicate eco-system that those monkeys inhabit’.  


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