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Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader



The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger, Geoffrey Boycott, as a replacement for outgoing Prime Minister, Imran Khan. Mr Khan's supporters are furious that he has been dropped and have taken to the streets, demanding action replays and use of the DRS.


Boycott has agreed to pad up and walk out to the crease and has promised to put Pakistan back on the world map.


"Khan was OK as a one day Prime Minister, or even a 20-20 leader but, on the big occasions, he needed to use his skills better and put in much more effort. He needed more games and not just on Sunday afternoons", he told our reporter.


He continued, "Khan has had a terrible innings. My grandmother could have done a better job than that."


Boycott is said to have already put together a Trophy Cabinet, his first eleven, which includes Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, and Dickie Bird as Chancellor of the Exchequer.


Boycott's grandmother was unavailable for comment.




First published 13 April 2022



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Queen's covid response indicates the virus can jump species again



Her Majesty the Queen has said that her recent brush with covid left her tired, irritable and short on humour. 'It was like Philip had returned,' she said. Covid researchers have shown alarm at the Queen exhibiting symptoms as previously the virus transmission chain only included bats, humans, cats and dogs. 'If lizards can catch it, then we'll probably never stop it,' said one researcher today.


'We were initially concerned when Prime Minister Boris Johnson contracted the disease in the early days of the pandemic, we didn't think it could be passed to beings that were almost but not quite human forms, but then we thought "OK, it's only Boris, might do the country some good",' admitted a covid researcher today. 'So we weren't concerned at all in the end,' he added.


It is currently unknown if Jacob Rees-Mogg is capable of getting the disease. Now that blood temperature doesn't appear to be a barrier there is only the small issues of not requiring oxygen to function and the inability to cast a reflection to consider. 'To date, every person that we know to have caught covid has been known to cast a shadow, so perhaps he's going to be ok, unfortunately,' said a researcher.




First published 12 April 2022



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Hot Cross Buns Surprised to Find Themselves Being Cheese and Onion Flavour



A pack of four hot cross buns on a supermarket shelf were surprised to find themselves being cheese and onion flavour this week. They made this discovery when a shopper picked them up and read out their description to her companion then made a face of mild disgust and put them straight back. The companion shook his head and said ‘What will they think of next? It’s a gimmick aimed at people with no proper respect for the great bun traditions of their youth.’


One of the four buns said they thought they’d smelt something oniony within their cellophane home but decided they must have mis-smelt. Another of the buns said disgust is one of the seven basic emotions visible on a human’s face and all buns leave the oven hoping to cause a face of enjoyment. The third bun to speak said you can’t trust humans because they call an onion which is clearly purple a red onion. The final bun to express an opinion was more optimistic and reminded fellow buns that cheese and Christmas cake pair well together so maybe they would catch on. The buns then watched as their bakery mates the extra fruity buns and the apple and cinnamon buns were chosen while they remained firmly shelf-bound. They had a brief cheerful moment when one of them remembered the Vic Reeves joke about onions.




First published 11 April 2022



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