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Episode 38: Cute Hedgehogs, Piss-Sodden Homes & Thief-Friendly Fobs
Comedy news from NewsBiscuit
Featuring Guests: Ian Seale & FlashArry
Host: Wrenfoe. May-June 2024
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The worst 'look at me and what I did' book of the year awards have been held in the burnt out shell which was once your nearest hospital. Here are the unreadable straight-to-pulp car crashes government ministers shat out instead of attempting to run a country.
Liz Truss - The Tip of The Iceberg Lettuces
Chris Whatsmename - Fifty Shades of Grayling
Rishi Sunak - The Big Short Trousers (featuring Rishi Longstockings)
David Cameron - First Past the Hogroast
Boris Johnson - Identitty
Michael Gove - Lord Nose (A Snort Story)
Jeremy H Unt - The English Patients Still Waiting (reprinted by the Foodbank of England)
Suella Braverman - A Wish Called Rwanda
Priti Patel - Catch 22 (Asylum Seekers)
Theresa May - Wheatfield of Dreams
Grant Shapps - Me, Myself and Corinne Stockheath (ghost written by Sebastian Fox, forward by Michael Green)
Jacob Rees-Mogg - Stranger Offshores (Eton, Pray, Gov)
Nadine Dorries - Murder in the Deviant Express
Nadim Zahawi - Yougov in the Time of Cholera (HMRC £3 million tax evasion prosecution still pending)
Kwasi Kwarteng - The Day of the Jack All
Penny Mordaunt - The Thatcher in the Eye
Dominic Raab - The Romanians of the Daaaaaay
Thérèse Coffey - War and Piss
Matt Hancock - The Wrong Kiss Goodnight
Image: analogicus - Pixabay
Medical science has taken a huge leap forward this past few weeks, after a man – Lester Snips – became the first human in history to be the successful recipient of a fully functioning kidney, donated by a pig.
Chief of medical transplants, Dr James Thwipp explains, ‘We’re absolutely over the moon at how successful the operation has been. Medical science has been aware for some time, of the similarities between humans and pigs. The medical team had actually been debating this for a few months now but felt it important not to act too rasherly. There were various things to deal with that prevented us jumping in, whole hog.
‘One issue, for example, was how to break it to Mr Snips that the only kidney available to him was that of a pig. We decided it best to keep it our little secret. 'Eventually if was time to stop chewing the fat and just get crackling.
'We’ve been asked if we plan to perform any more pig-to-human transplants and the answer is that we may, but we need to take a break for now. We certainly don’t plan to do multiple operations on the trotter.’
A few days after returning home, Mr Snips invited us to meet with him ‘Generally people have been lovely all throughout – very supportive. While I was waiting for a kidney to become available, I even got a letter from Elon Musk. He said he’d make me a robot kidney that would let me play chess on the computer. I turned him down. I don’t know how to play chess.
'I have noticed a few odd things though. I don’t know why, but I’ve started to feel very guilty when I have a bacon sandwich. It’s a real shame because I love a bacon sandwich. I’ve also developed an over-whelming desire to roll around in muddy puddles. I’m having to buy a load of new clothes so I’ve enough to wear while other stuff’s in the wash.
'I see the local kids keep mocking me. Thing is, an organ transplant - snout to be laughed at. I’m glad I’m here. If it wasn’t for Bernie – he’s the chap who gave me my new lease on life – I’d still be stuck in bed, wrapped in my blankets, drugged up to my eyeballs
'I’ve been speaking to the hospital about meeting Bernie to thank him personally. But apparently he’s very busy at the moment. He runs a catering business I think. I asked Dr Thwipp what Bernard does and the Dr told me he’s in pies.'
