Comedy news from NewsBiscuit
Featuring Guests: Sparkly Bob, FlashArry & Paul L.
Host: Wrenfoe. June-July 2024
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Aries
Tha’s making a right @rse of thesen. Think on.
Taurus
If you don’t stop with your la dee dah ways, you’ll end up a gret suthern jessie.
Gemini
There’s nowt that can’t be sorted over a good cup of tea.
Cancer
You’ll get a clout round yer lugs this week. You’ll deserve it. Pillock!
Leo
Watch out for them there steps
Virgo
You will find love this month. Watch out Ada Slatterthwaite. That’s my star sign!
Libra
Stop laiking about the house and buck your ideas, you daft sod.
Scorpio
You are saved from a fate worse than death next week, when that trip to Manchester is cancelled
Sagittarius
You will get an unwelcome visitor next week. The tally man wants paying.
Capricorn
Mind you visit your nan next weekend, she’s getting right mardy
Aquarius
It’s not clear what’s going to happen but you’ll be chuffed to bits, I can tell you.
Pisces
You’ll come across a bit of money this month. Not a lot, but ‘owt’s better than nowt.
Image: Lockjaw
Another storming month for Deskpilot. I'm expecting a major score at the end of the year as Deskpilot seems to be going on from strength to strength. Unfortunately, this means we need to invoke the Wren rule again as Deskpilot won last month so eppursimuove takes the crown this month.
As usual the full set of links follows the leaderboard, as does the cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines.
Front Page, News in Brief and Features
apepper
billclay
Chrisf
Deskpilot
Dominic_mcg
eppursimuove
Granger
hrp27
Ian Searle
Jack the Quipper
jeremynh
Joanne Starkie
Lockjaw
Midfield Diamond
Modelmaker
Oxbridge
PaulD
Robowurzel
Sinnick
Sir Lupus
SteveB
Stewartbarclay
Sully
Sydalg
Throngsman
Titus
Walter Eagle
Will
Wrenfoe
Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Ed Davey's plan for continuing HS2 development
Headlines
apepper
Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10
Crow admits to "feeling pressure" to fly in straight line
Manchester airport threatens to run "usual service"
Sunak corrects biggest gaff claim - "biggest gaff so far"
Tories commission Treasury report confirming Sunak is 6'3"
Tories to bring back Blitz spirit by "random bombing"
bigbadbob
Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread
Contraceptive gel applied to shoulders is effective, but makes arms go floppy
Korean balloon war reaches new heights
National arboretum to be axed
Venice bans opera singing in public and Cornettos
billclay
New Meal Deal Offer: a sandwich, a drink and a selected bacterial infection
Starmer happy with England Team boringly doing the bare minimum and finishing top
Supermarkets say E-Coli Free sandwiches only available with Loyalty Card
ChrisF
Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission
Deskpilot
After Diana's gown sale, Andrew tries to flog his trousers
Card game addict told to snap out of it
Chip van commmemorates D-Day with a frypast
Defence: Keir Starmer commits to unclear deterrent
Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks
Farage bludgeons kittens: Reform polls rise again
Farage drops support for himself, but says people should still vote for him
Gay Welsh voters targeted by Pride Cymru
Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda
Miss Alabama weighs in against online trolls
MPs caught betting on how many MPs will get caught betting
Old folk wondering why Rishi wants to stop the goats
Rishi regrets taking Boris's advice about lying
Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion
Snooker club employee sacked for pocketing balls
Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus
Tory strategists accused of rishful thinking
Trainee bread maker has something to prove
Trial of US journalist Evan Gershkovich to take place behind closed minds
Trump starts building his own prison - just in case
Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website
Dominic_mcg
Bookies no longer taking bets on the date of the Election
Politician tells lie. Exclusive.
Princess Anne in a stable condition
Royal Mail can’t guarantee postal votes will arrive before August
Top Of The Pops reboot to feature dance troupe Trans People
Tories can’t understand why they’re so unpopular
eppursimuove
Did you vote Conservative in 2019? You may be eligible for compensation!
Football paused for lightning - Southgate sees hope of reanimating England team
Hokeyloki
C on Clacton
MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat
ian searle
Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer
Greek coastguard threw Owl and Pussy-Cat overboard from beautiful pea-green boat
Larry the Number 10 Cat to be investigated by the Gambling Commission
Media Tycoon diagnosed with Wedding Cake Addiction
RSC bans crowd surfing
Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'
Spring Lambs are being investigated by the Gambolling Commission
Jack the Quipper
Green Party manifesto set in stone as paper is non-sustainable
jbpage
Oh Dear. How Sad. Never Mind.
jim Skinz
Farage launches "Stop The Floats" campaign
Gandalf the Greeeeeeeeeeeeeey
Man who made fortune from iron toy is world's first magnet magnate
North Korean remake of Around the World in 80 Days 'is a stinker'
Police chief sacked for claiming he fought at Agincourt
Sauron was provoked by Middle-earth, claims Farage
Sunak leaves G7 conference early "because he left the oven on"
Sunak thanks Judith Bullingdon for scoring England’s first and adds “only three wickets to go”
Tories launch “Stop the bets” campaign
You shan't have a dishy, poor old little Rishi...
mcdabble
ChatGPT told to 'shut it'
Conservatives offering free zimmer frames to voters on election day
Man who had large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'
Sunak admits having Attention Deficit Hyper-rich Disorder
UK Told: Global Warming Not For You
Mick Turate
Glastonbury Festival organisers make emergency appeal for mud
Rishi Sunak runs out of feet to shoot himself in
Modelmaker
Farage promises to cut tax from beer and fags
Mouse jugglers pretending to work fired by Rentokil
Rentacrowd announce price hike for final week of election campaign
Sunak promises to cut spending waste on quangos such as the Gambling Commission
Tories promise referendum about England leaving the UK
oshaughnessy
Sunak arrives at Silverstone and asks when the football is kicking off
Paul L
Starmer still at D-Day commemorations as staff forget to pick him up
Sketchly
Cowgate: 'Such instances are rare. Medium-rare at worst' says police chief
Met Police - 'The Tories are like Pokemon. We're slowly collecting them all'
SteveB
Angry couple announce their enragement
Court found guilty by Trump
Don't worry, Rishi, your core support will have forgotten about all this by teatime
French call, organise and hold election in time it takes UK PM to dry off a suit
Miller fed up with the daily grind
Panda rams cow
Politician poking lentil 'has his finger on the pulse'
Surrey Police win Michelin Star for tenderising beef
Tonehenge
Tories to try writing STOP THE BOATS in bigger letters to see if that works
Tory Party Chairman wins game of musical 'safe' seats
'We were too rich to afford poor friends' says Rishi Sunak
Titus
Ed Davey urges police car to drive into him
International crisis as Germany runs out of beer
Organ donor loses heart
Sunak admits he only made speech in pouring rain 'for a bet'
