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Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month June 2024



Another storming month for Deskpilot. I'm expecting a major score at the end of the year as Deskpilot seems to be going on from strength to strength. Unfortunately, this means we need to invoke the Wren rule again as Deskpilot won last month so eppursimuove takes the crown this month.


As usual the full set of links follows the leaderboard, as does the cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines.



Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper





billclay





Chrisf




Deskpilot














Dominic_mcg



eppursimuove
















Granger



hrp27


Ian Searle



Jack the Quipper



jeremynh



Joanne Starkie



Lockjaw




Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker






Oxbridge





PaulD




Robowurzel




Sinnick



Sir Lupus






SteveB






Stewartbarclay







Sully



Sydalg




Throngsman



Titus





Walter Eagle



Will



Wrenfoe










Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Ed Davey's plan for continuing HS2 development


Headlines


apepper        

     

Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10

Crow admits to "feeling pressure" to fly in straight line

Manchester airport threatens to run "usual service"

Sunak corrects biggest gaff claim - "biggest gaff so far"

Tories commission Treasury report confirming Sunak is 6'3"

Tories to bring back Blitz spirit by "random bombing"


bigbadbob     

    

Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread

Contraceptive gel applied to shoulders is effective, but makes arms go floppy

Korean balloon war reaches new heights

National arboretum to be axed

Venice bans opera singing in public and Cornettos


billclay 


New Meal Deal Offer: a sandwich, a drink and a selected bacterial infection

Starmer happy with England Team boringly doing the bare minimum and finishing top

Supermarkets say E-Coli Free sandwiches only available with Loyalty Card


ChrisF   


Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission


Deskpilot           


After Diana's gown sale, Andrew tries to flog his trousers

Card game addict told to snap out of it

Chip van commmemorates D-Day with a frypast

Defence: Keir Starmer commits to unclear deterrent

Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks

Farage bludgeons kittens: Reform polls rise again

Farage drops support for himself, but says people should still vote for him

Gay Welsh voters targeted by Pride Cymru

Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda

Miss Alabama weighs in against online trolls

MPs caught betting on how many MPs will get caught betting

Old folk wondering why Rishi wants to stop the goats

Rishi regrets taking Boris's advice about lying

Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion

Snooker club employee sacked for pocketing balls

Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus

Tory strategists accused of rishful thinking

Trainee bread maker has something to prove

Trial of US journalist Evan Gershkovich to take place behind closed minds

Trump starts building his own prison - just in case

Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website  


Dominic_mcg


Bookies no longer taking bets on the date of the Election

Politician tells lie. Exclusive.

Princess Anne in a stable condition

Royal Mail can’t guarantee postal votes will arrive before August

Top Of The Pops reboot to feature dance troupe Trans People

Tories can’t understand why they’re so unpopular


eppursimuove   


Did you vote Conservative in 2019? You may be eligible for compensation!

Football paused for lightning - Southgate sees hope of reanimating England team


Hokeyloki       

   

C on Clacton

MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat


ian searle      

    

Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer

Greek coastguard threw Owl and Pussy-Cat overboard from beautiful pea-green boat

Larry the Number 10 Cat to be investigated by the Gambling Commission

Media Tycoon diagnosed with Wedding Cake Addiction

RSC bans crowd surfing

Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'

Spring Lambs are being investigated by the Gambolling Commission


Jack the Quipper         

   

Green Party manifesto set in stone as paper is non-sustainable


jbpage  


Oh Dear. How Sad. Never Mind.


jim Skinz     

       

Farage launches "Stop The Floats" campaign

Gandalf the Greeeeeeeeeeeeeey

Man who made fortune from iron toy is world's first magnet magnate

North Korean remake of Around the World in 80 Days 'is a stinker'

Police chief sacked for claiming he fought at Agincourt

Sauron was provoked by Middle-earth, claims Farage

Sunak leaves G7 conference early "because he left the oven on"

Sunak thanks Judith Bullingdon for scoring England’s first and adds “only three wickets to go”

Tories launch “Stop the bets” campaign

You shan't have a dishy, poor old little Rishi...


mcdabble   

       

ChatGPT told to 'shut it'

Conservatives offering free zimmer frames to voters on election day

Man who had large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'

Sunak admits having Attention Deficit Hyper-rich Disorder

UK Told: Global Warming Not For You


Mick Turate       


Glastonbury Festival organisers make emergency appeal for mud

Rishi Sunak runs out of feet to shoot himself in


Modelmaker     


Farage promises to cut tax from beer and fags

Mouse jugglers pretending to work fired by Rentokil

Rentacrowd announce price hike for final week of election campaign

Sunak promises to cut spending waste on quangos such as the Gambling Commission

Tories promise referendum about England leaving the UK


oshaughnessy   


Sunak arrives at Silverstone and asks when the football is kicking off


Paul L   


Starmer still at D-Day commemorations as staff forget to pick him up


Sketchly   

          

Cowgate: 'Such instances are rare. Medium-rare at worst' says police chief

Met Police - 'The Tories are like Pokemon. We're slowly collecting them all'


SteveB 


Angry couple announce their enragement

Court found guilty by Trump

Don't worry, Rishi, your core support will have forgotten about all this by teatime

French call, organise and hold election in time it takes UK PM to dry off a suit

Miller fed up with the daily grind

Panda rams cow

Politician poking lentil 'has his finger on the pulse'

Surrey Police win Michelin Star for tenderising beef

Tonehenge

Tories to try writing STOP THE BOATS in bigger letters to see if that works

Tory Party Chairman wins game of musical 'safe' seats

'We were too rich to afford poor friends' says Rishi Sunak


Titus   

  

Ed Davey urges police car to drive into him

International crisis as Germany runs out of beer

Organ donor loses heart

Sunak admits he only made speech in pouring rain 'for a bet'

Your horoscopes for June 2024, by Hermes Trismegistus


Aries

Your sign has recently been taken over by Virgin Media : as such, you can initially expect extremely positive readings at competitive prices. But beware ! The service cost will slowly creep up, the quality of prescience will drop and you will end up being treated like sh*t, the same as the rest of us.


Taurus

What with your dream catchers and crystals, you must think you are a medium. I have to tell you that you are still an Xtra Large.


Gemini

Ask the burning question you've always wanted to ask. No matter where you are, now is the time. Unless you are in primary school as no time is the right time.


Cancer 

The mighty firmament doesn't have time for your pettifogging life this month.


Leo 

The phrase "pull yourself together" will have greater poignancy for you after a little mishap next week. Best to carry a large tube of superglue with you at all times.


Virgo

The old adage has it that if the world gives you lemons, make lemonade. However, what you might do with a ton of well-rotted pig sh*t is a bit of a mystery : some sort of "mineral mud" skin treatment ? If so, please ensure you are wa-a-ay downwind of me.


Libra

All of the other star signs are jealous of you.


Scorpio

Scorpions will defect en masse to Oscar Cainer in the Daily Maily because I don't flatter them with nicer predictions. Go on, see if I care.


Sagittarius

Thank you for your request. Our team is working really, really hard on your forecast, without sleep day or night, so hard in fact that our balls are on fire. Literally. Sorry, what was the question again?


Capricorn

While cleaning the interior of your pride and joy yellow Ford Capri from 1974, you discover a disgusting example of foot skin dropoff. Do not be tempted to lick it.



Aquarius

Your rushing about will create a tear in the spacetime continuum, resulting in you actually meeting yourself coming back.


Pisces

Nope. You can tell yourself what you like. Stop it. It's gross.


Contributions from:


FlashArry : Aries, Virgo,

simonjjames : Gemini, Pisces

SteveB : Capricorn, Libra

sydalg : Scorpio

Sinnick : Sagittarius

Image by gabschgarella from Pixabay

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month May 2024



Another great month for Deskpilot, and this time he doesn't have to share first place. In fact, he is far and away in the lead by a country mile. SteveB has had a cracking month, too, scoring in all of the categories.


Eppursimuove has had a fantastic month as well with five front pages and six NiBs.


As usual, the full list of links to these subs are below the leaders board, as is the link to the cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines for this month





Front Page, News in Brief and Features


Adrian Bamforth



apepper






bigbadbob



billclay





Chipchase





Chrisf




Deskpilot













eppursimuove













Granger




hrp27



Ian Searle




Jack the Quipper



jeremynh




Lockjaw



McDabble



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker



Robowurzel



Sir Lupus



Sketchly



SteveB














Stewartbarclay











Sully



Sydalg



Throngsman







Walter Eagle




Wrenfoe











Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Meanwhile, in Ancient Greece ...


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth  

          

Homophobic Iranian President went down on big chopper


apepper   

          

Delicate negotiations might persuade USA to move "S" from "Legos" to end of "Math"


apepper     

        

ICC warrant for Netanyahu makes Ashes selection "unlikely"


Man who bred six seater horse admits he's got a lot riding on it


NHS order too many prosthetic limbs; hospitals up in arms


Sunak ignores teams of fat ladies singing outside Downing Street


Supermarket shelf stacker moved from laundry products is out of his comfort zone


Beau-Jolly     

    

Eurovision: "Not over until the bearded lady sings"


bigbadbob    

     

Boris forgot ID but at least this time wore trousers


billclay 


SNP to elect new up and coming leader: Elizabeth McTruss


Deskpilot     

      

All Universities required to become Diversities


Braverman criticises Sunak: inside the tent, pissing in


Comedian risks jail time for violating gag order


Diane Abbott to join Tories


Doctors concerned as Trump decides not to speak in court


Free Julian Assange! (buyer collects)


I'm trying to give up being a pirate, but the patches aren't working


Impoverished sado-masochist is strapped for cash


International Court of Justice orders tide not to come in


Keir Starmer plans quadruple pension lock


Keir's taking the election so seriously that he's washed his hair


Labour party surprised to find no billboards available anywhere in Britain


Labour plans restrictions on cartoons? Keir Starmer won't be drawn


Meringue making champion beaten by a whisker


Naked cribbage player scores one for his nob


Nigel Farage offers to lead SNP


Pals with receding hairlines say they go back a long way


Parasite found in Devon water is 'not Prince Harry'


Prince William accidentally calls the FA Cup 'Dad'


Raspberry ice cream causes ripple of excitement


Rishi goes a whole week without talk of a leadership contest


Stormy Denials


Sunak turns down invitation to appear on I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue


Tories forecast to lose Eurovision


Tories suffering from electoral dysfunction


Trump begs stupid people to send him money


Trump not let off


Water companies to dispose of sewage in white balloons


Welsh First Minister sacks assembly member over leeks


dominic_mcg    


David Cop-a-feel


Ed Davey shows Sunak how to get drenched in style


Straight man caught enjoying Eurovision


granger 


Humza Yousaf - Glaswegian for hum that yourself.


Hokeyloki          


Last week's racing at Devon - Jumps at Newton Abbot, Trots at Brixham


Sacked tattooist drew on friends for support


ian searle      

    

Cocaine worth £40 million found in car park still not enough to pay for two hours parking


Customers advise South West Water to boil their heads


Diane Abbott told to defect


Eurovision remains neutral as Switzerland wins song contest


Hovercraft engineer accused of up-skirting


Last ever episode of the long running sitcom 'The Tory Party' confirmed for this year


Tories ask, "Can we have our MP's back, please?"


Tory Party votes to allow woke members


Vennells told she is in 'la-la land', but records show it was Emma Stone


Jack the Quipper      

      

2024 General Election renamed 'Pin The Tail On The Donkey'


Floor of Commons renamed 'Rubicon'


Greens upset Scots - and not for the first time...


Hamas confirm they will hand over the remaining hostages when they find enough coffins


NHS offers hospital beds via Booking.com


NI government to fit revolving door to Stormont


Starmer's focus shifts from small boats to asylum seeking Tory MPs


Under 9s sex education lessons moved to bike sheds


jbpage  


Attila the Hun joins Labour - but Karl Marx banned for life


Post Office paid Paula Vennells 5 million pounds to know nothing about anything


Tories to re-introduce British Empire


jim Skinz    

        

Boats on all English rivers now required to have a poop deck


Boeing banned from appearing in The Great British Take Off


Pickpocket Of The Year winner walks off with top prize


Tories unveil Stop The Turncoats campaign


Joanne Starkie


Things Can Only Get Wetter for Sunak


mcdabble     

     

In politics, expect the unexpecrickey!


Netanyeehaa!


NHS to hire orangutans as part of new cost saving plan


NHS trusts to be run solely by ChatGPT


Thames Water in talks to buy North Korean balloon waste disposal technology


Modelmaker     


14th birthday party held for town's pothole


Army will teach teenagers how to fight with knives properly


Eamonn Holmes will be Ruthless after divorce say tabloids


Monty Panesar puts new spin on his reason for leaving George Galloway's party


Sunak having emergency surgery for gasted flabber


Tree Fellers charged over Sycamore Gap scandal, but only two appeared in court


Not Titus           


Tories lead UK to Eurovision Zero!


robowurzel2     


Suella Braverman insists she is not Spartacus


rogerg  


RHS President, Keith Weed, denies he is a plant


sinnick 


Scientists identify Dyslexia gene in NDA


Sketchly        

     

Introducing: The Swiss Army Spoon


Woman claims she is being Gaslighted. Man corrects her - ‘Gaslit’


SteveB 


Aviation regulator grounds all flying carpets


'Circular saw terrible at cutting circles' says bad workman


Former Lib Dem Liz Truss crosses floor to Labour 'to complete the triple'


Gove quits, but this is not a reference to cocaine


Journalist in toilet warns that her report contains flush photography


Pope Catholic, bear sh!ts in woods, Trump guilty


Rayner cleared but now being investigated for wasting police time


Strange colourful lights in the sky just seepage from ABBA hologram concert


stewartbarclay  


Charles: 'Can you make it look like I'm bathing in the blood of my enemies?'


Diddy? Yes. He did


Titus     


Baker street sewer blocked - no sh!t, Sherlock


Compensation to be paid via Post Office to avoid errors & delays


Paula Vennells adopts the Manuel defence - 'I know n-o-thing!'


Tearful Paula Vennells seeks post as CEO of water works company


Walter Eagle     


'Mange' - Starmer seeks the canine vote


Next Chelsea manager to be on zero hours contract


will       


Rishi Sunak - The Wet Man of Europe




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