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The news headlines from Ancient Greece


Wooden horse romps home through gates of Troy at 6/4 favourite, beating cardboard horse (7/2) and pantomime horse (11/3).


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Sisyphus quits job after 45 years, gets retirement present of Rolling Stones album.


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Emergency recall of all wax-based wings after Icarus mishap.


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Widespread allegations of drug use at first Olympiad as men's 100m won by man who is half bull.


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Odysseus's Aegean Adventure Cruises shuts down after users post negative reviews citing Sirens, Cyclopes and cannibals.


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Greek Parliament passes Dangerous Gods Act after Zeus goes on yet another thunderbolt rampage.


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Oedipus's wedding night marred by nagging sense of déjà vu.


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Socrates to feature in ad campaign for new hemlock smoothie.



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Fresh from his daring voyage, celebrity adventurer Jason Argonaut launches new Golden Fleece luxury outdoor clothing line.


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Icarus Mechanical Flying Machines Limited addresses its poor safety reputation by changing its name to Boeing


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Greek army censured after many soldiers caught inside horses


Hat-tips to Sirlupus and deskpilot


Newsbiscuit Writer of the Year 2024

Updated: Jan 2, 2025



Time to review the year, and what a year it has been.


First the Hat Tips - it's a short list this year but every HT is an effort from a writer to help improve a fellow writer's sub. FlashArry has been the top Hat Tipper this past year and each and every contribution is welcomed. All 64 H/Ts are acknowledged below.


FlashArry 11

sinnick 8

SteveB 7

simonjjames 6

Sydalg 6

Deskpilot 6

Sir Lupus 3

Titus 3

Modelmaker 3

jobo 2

Lockjaw 2

apepper 1

Beau-Jolly 1

Midfield Diamond 1

Not Titus 1

robowurzel 1

Throngsman 1

Walter Eagle 1


Features - AKA Left Alert for those who remember the old site (where the Left Alert happily sat on the right hand side of the website fir the last few years). Subs that don't quite fit with our normal Front Page or News in Brief format due to length or because they are a little quirky. Lockjaw leads the pack in this field mainly because he stepped up to the plate to run the monthly horoscope - an incredibly popular feature.


Lockjaw 10

Sydalg 3

ChrisF 2

Deskpilot 2

Jack the Quipper 1

Raggers 1

sinnick 1

Sketchly 1

SteveB 1

Throngsman 1

Walter Eagle 1

wardhazy 1

Thatwasbeast 1


Headlines, AKA tickers from the old site when we actually had a ticker bar. Very popular range of one-liners with over 1200 posted this past year. Only the top ten contributors are listed - if anyone who isn't listed in this review wants to know how they scored in any category then PM me and I'll let you know.


Top of the tree is Deskpilot who has had 277 headlines this past year.


Deskpilot 277

mcdabble 109

SteveB 68

jim Skinz 62

Modelmaker 62

Scribbles 56

Titus 48

ian searle 45

MrQ 43

Sketchly 42


News in Brief items are posted twice a day Monday to Friday and at least one a day Saturday and Sunday. Wrenfoe has been especially prolific, as has eppursimuove and stewartbarclay.


wrenfoe 174

eppursimuove 142

stewartbarclay 120

SteveB 108

Deskpilot 106

Throngsman 68

apepper 58

Modelmaker 50

jeremynh 46

Doctor Chutney 32


The coveted Front Page slot - one a day, every day including Christmas day - has been dominated by eppursimuove this year with Deskpilot giving a good run for his money.


eppursimuove 162

Deskpilot 117

SteveB 84

Throngsman 66

stewartbarclay 54

wrenfoe 51

jeremynh 45

chrisf 45

nicka 39

Modelmaker 33


Writer of the Year is determined by the points earned on the leaderboard - 4 points for a Feature, 3 points for a Front Page, 2 points for a News in Brief, 1 point for a headline and the same for a hat tip. The scores below include these point allocations. Deskpilot is clearly and unambiguously Newsbiscuit's Writer of the Year.


Deskpilot 514

eppursimuove 315

SteveB 271

wrenfoe 225

stewartbarclay 193

Modelmaker 148

mcdabble 146

Throngsman 140

apepper 97

jeremynh 95


Finally, Cartoon of the Year is First day at school by Modelmaker




Your star signs for the New Year! What the zodiac has in store for you in 2025…



Aries: Health and wellbeing come to the fore in 2025. You like chips so this year you’ll have a lot of chips. There’s definitely chips in your 2025, Aries.


Taurus: Your latent racism really comes out in June as you make the conscious decision to try to get to grips with the issue of the migrant boats. So when Jupiter pisses on Mars in September, avoid Kent.


Gemini: With Pluto passing the sun as the football season finishes don’t spend any money this year cause it’s a shitter financially. It really is.


Cancer: You don’t get it again so just be grateful for what you’ve got and move on with your life.


Leo: 2025 heralds a period of profound personal transformation. Divorce


Virgo: Explore new hobbies or exercise to broaden perspectives. But that gym you’re joining on Wednesday? Your car gets nicked from its car park. The police don’t even log it as a crime.


Libra: Now is the time to finally crack on with those postponed goals and aspirations. That said the tinnitus doesn’t go away this year, either. Sorry.


Scorpio: This year will see a profound development in self-awareness. That neigbour in your block of flats who talks to himself is you. You finally get the diagnosis and there is some strong medication that alleviates the aural and visual illusions. Unlucky in love.


Sagittarius: Channel assertiveness into projects that showcase your leadership skills. Tell that teenage son to leave and get a job if he hits you again.


Capricorn: Set actionable goals to make real those dreams you’ve always carefully nurtured is something other star signs should do. Not you, Capricorns. Keep buying those lottery tickets cause there’s nothing else out there.


Aquarius Embrace risk, Aquarians. But not in May when you will get done by some lads on Woodford Road. (I’d say watch your back but you’re pissed at the time.)


Pisces: This is a year for Pisceans to shine. You will be seen everywhere when the nuclear bombs fall in March.


Image: Lockjaw


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