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Writer's pictureThrongsman
Jul 31

Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month July 2024



Deskpilot continues his winning streak and as he forfeited the crown last month thanks to the Wren rule he can rightfully step up on the top podium this month. I have a sneaking feeling Deskpilot is going to sweep the awards in the New Year WOTY competition. SteveB has had a good month chasing Deskpilot and I had a bit of a pitch earlier on in the month.


As usual all the links are below for the FPs, NiBs and Features plus this month cartoon of the month and the full list of headlines.




Front Page, News in Brief and Features


apepper





Chrisf




clarehogan




Deskpilot










eppursimuove











Ian Searle



jeremynh








Lockjaw



mcdabble



Midfield Diamond



Modelmaker






Nathanadler






Nice Admin Lady



NickB




Oxbridge



PaulD



Robowurzel


Sarah Tipper



Sinnick



Sir Lupus



SteveB











Stewartbarclay










Sully





Sydalg




Throngsman











Titus





Wrenfoe










Cartoon of the month goes to Dominic_mcg for Venn diagram


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

        

BBC to launch Leniently Come Dancing

Former president is sadly missed


apepper      

       

Secretive zookeeper asked about keeping animals gives cagey answer

Trump leaves hospital, hair still undergoing treatment


Ashbery         

    

CrowdStrike advises GPs to ring at 8 AM to book an appointment


benvoleo     

      

Ed Davey auditions for I’m A Celeb going really well


bigbadbob 

        

Banned Olympic horse dancer was only following Strictly guidelines

England fan eating German sausage fears the wurst

Man suspected of meat theft faces grilling


billclay 


US Supreme Court grants head of Biden Crime Family immunity from prosecution


Deskpilot  

         

Alec Baldwin discharged

Bibby Stockholm to house dissenting Labour MPs

Bristol police call in warm case squad

Carpetright closes due to cash crisis and other underlaying problems

Cheshire supergrass enters Widnes protection programme

Cute medal winners get more TV coverage than mingers

Doorstep campaigning leaves Tories with massive laundry bill

Ed Davey feels that he has missed out on Glastonbury

Fears for COVID after it contracts Joe Biden

Hypochondriac comedian has a funny turn

Kane in Spain goes mainly down the drain

Keir remains Corbyn neutral

Keir Starmer's dad showed him how to build a cabinet

Penny dropped

Pig farmer fed up of grunt work

Reports of spiking incident at jousting competition

St Swithin predicts no England footie win for the next 40 years

Suella Braverman admits that she has experimented with Reform

Tory constituencies to bear the brunt of new house building

Trump claims 2024 election will be stolen from him

Unkempt incontinent let himself go

Unseated Tory MPs to retrain as PE teachers


docholiday        


Post Office report all their computers are running fine


dominic_mcg    


Biden congratulates J D Wetherspoon on Vice President nomination

Dinosaur remains found on Isle of Wight could be up to 5 years old

Man looking forward to Gavin and Stacey special doesn't get out much

Rees Mogg to sell his Laudanum Tinctures to the NHS

They're comin' home! They're comin' home! Wait...what...?

Triathletes who complain about pollution are full of crap, say IOC

Trump: It won't be the first time I've beaten a black woman


eppursimuove   


Raducanu fans say they understand problem of stiff wrists

Rees-Mogg regrets letting the servants vote


Granger


Polymath arrested on suspicion of counting parrots

Skin on Southgate's teeth holding out


ian searle   

       

Muddy magician accused of dirty tricks

To drop one candidate may be regarded as a misfortune; to drop three looks like carelessness

Tory HQ, "We're gonna need a bigger vote!"


Jack the Quipper   

         

Unelected Tory MPs to be dumped in rivers


jeremynh    

       

"No more Mr Nice Guy!" says Trump

Russia wins early gold in Olympics Sabotage event


jim Skinz    

        

Carpetright has rug pulled from under it

Huw've been shamed

Trump shooter “posed an ear and present danger”


Joanne Starkie  


Disney staff on strike over Mickey Mouse wages


Lockjaw 


BDSM dungeon gets 5 stars from Trussed Advisor

King, Queen, and Lords enjoy special cosplay session


mcdabble    

      

Biden Goes Viral

Biden 'I will continue my bid for re-electrician'

Child diagnosed as not ADHD and not Autistic

Duvet Makers Call For Blanket Ban

Early release prisoners refuse to leave due to housing shortage

Escaped horses claim they just wanted to visit Princess Anne in hospital

Modern-day slavery bill to be watered down after lobbying by student loan company

Presidential race now maturity vs age

Rioters in Chinese takeaway accused of won ton destruction

Runner to cross that line when he comes to it

UK set to reject 'slapping therapy' on July 4th

Why were the shoes so important? To cover his cloven hooves


Mick Turate       


Cats protest under-representation at polling stations

Y2K24


miggi   


Tom Throws his Tugendhat Into The Ring


Modelmaker     


Bangkok vicar declines more tea

Culture secretary: Only Fools and Horses repeats should begin with Trigger warnings

Ex-Tory MPs missed talking rubbish so much, they've set up consultancy companies

Huw Edwards makes unexpected return to BBC News

Prisoners left in corridors whilst waiting for cells to become available

Tory leadership race to become Olympic sport


robowurzel   

    

Scottish bog gets world heritage status - but I'd give it 10 minutes


rogerg  


Trump now bulletproof


Rowly   


Farage MP's to be sent to Reform School

FBI determines that the Teleprompter was actually the assasin's target

Signs of anguish at no 10. Teethmarks found on furniture

Sunak attends the last Supper at no 10


Scribbles            


Chancellor's statement about hole in public finances: ‘We’re going to need a bigger plug’

Eewww! Edwards: BBC Nonce at Ten.

Train spotters picked a bad week for their Paris trip.


sinnick 


Olympics opening ceremony was in Seine


Sir Lupus          

 

UK prepares to be disappointed by Labour government for a change


Sketchly             


Biden fell before he was pushed

Biden to spend his last day asking everyone to sign his shirt

Bishop forced to resign due to Cloisterphobia

Panic in the Whitehouse as Biden won’t “Wake up” after IT outage

Trump kisses dead man’s helmet


SteveB 

Chris Grayling's first week at CrowdStrike going supremely well

Complaints soar in Isle of Man against ITV drama 'Douglas is Cancelled'

lepidopterists aflutter on hearing of a 200 metre butterfly in France

Reform vetting missed woman

Uruguayan football team wins gold in the diving


stewartbarclay  


Rishi: 'I'm so normal... that's a normal thing to say, right?'


Titus     


Snack-thieving seagulls rate seaside resorts on ChipAdvisor

Starmergddon for Tories

Swiss defence full of holes

World's oldest cave painting discovered - fortunately, the artist had dated it - 51,200 BC


will       


Katie Price wanted for first time in ages

Writer's pictureNewsBiscuit
Jul 27

Carpet Raves, Hotdog Vegans & Willy Fish: NewsBiscuit Podcast 40

Episode 40: Carpet Raves, Hotdog Vegans & Willy Fish

Comedy news from NewsBiscuit

Featuring Guests: FlashArry, Mrs Wrenfoe & Paul L.




Host: Wrenfoe. July-August 2024

We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer,

Listen Notes, Podcast Addict & Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer

Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor

Writer's pictureThrongsman
Jul 13

Mrs Merkle Investigates spawns UK copycat dramas

The success of 'Mrs Merkle Investigates', which follows the intrepid ex Chancellor of Germany solving complex crimes has spawned a number of similar dramas about to hit UK screens.


First off is 'Rishi Sunak Investigates', where the plucky but dethroned Prime Minister shuns California for a run-down office over a kebab shop in the Old Kent Road.  In the pilot episode Rishi investigates where all the money has gone and traces a major loss of sovereign funds to around 2008 and determines that the Labour government did it.  Further investigation reveals a shady group of investment bankers betting against the pound amid a global financial crisis, which Rishi would prefer isn't mentioned.  Rishi has declined to make any further episodes.


In 'Liz Truss Investigates', the former Prime Minister is battling against time as an iceberg lettuce is held to ransom while she investigates where all the money went.  In the course of a thankfully very short episode Truss is brought face-to-face with the mysterious Kwasi Kwarteng and declares the 'blob, mainly the Labour government' were the cause of the loss.  The production company has declined to extend the series beyond the pilot but have offered the lettuce its own series.


'Boris Johnson Investigates' makes Columbo look like a well-dressed man about town as BoJo solves mysteries such as where all the money went while playing wiff-waff and hanging from seized zip-lines wearing union flag underwear.  BoJo discovers the money has been syphoned off to a mysterious cartel only known as 'The Chums' and concludes it is the fault of both the last and the current Labour governments.  The production company is considering commissioning this series as there is zero costs in wardrobe or hairdressing involved.


In 'Theresa May Investigates' the former Prime Minister dons her leather red trousers for one more investigation, this time to find out how the Grenfell tragedy could attract so much attention.  She concludes there was a major lack of investment in social housing with large amounts of money being diverted to Tory Party donors instead.  She concludes that it was all Labour's fault while the letters making up the sign of her detective agency fall off during the summary where she has all the Labour shadow ministers sat around while she lays the blame squarely at their feet while dancing to a seventies disco classic.  Unlikely to be commissioned.


'David Cameron Investigates' starts off promisingly with a long shot of Cameron extracting his penis from a stuffed pig's head. Cameron insists he's no Tom Cruise who famously does all his own stunts but admits to doing the pig's head stunt because 'he enjoys it'.  Cameron is investigating where all the money has gone and why the country has entered into a long period of self-harm starting with voting to leave the EU.  He concludes that Labour is the cause for Brexit by failing to win the previous election.  The producers have promised to can the series, but will ensure the opening shots are broadcast on TV every night for the rest of eternity, or until the UK rejoins the EU.


Nigel Farage Investigates is based in an empty, unused office in Clacton, written for a cast of five where Nigel investigates ghost candidates and an abuse of short money.  Nobody asks where the money has gone because that isn't a mystery.  The programme is scheduled for never, ever being shown.  Or filmed.




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